I’m sick of hearing that these breakfast cereals are a part of a complete and nutritious breakfast.
Know what I’d like to see?
I’d like to see a breakfast cereal that admits that it can never be a part of a complete and nutritious breakfast because it has trust issues. You know, because it was molested by a relative when it was 8 years old, then it was passed from foster family to foster family, growing bitter and jaded.
Or a breakfast cereal that says you’ll just sit on the couch and eat it right from the box while playing Halo 3.
I’d like to create a breakfast cereal called: “I’m Too Lazy To Make Waffles For Us, How Pathetic Is That?”
The surprise in the box would be a small mirror you can look at and tell yourself “I’m a bad parent” or “I’m a kid who doesn’t deserve good things.”
Don’t mind me. I’ll just be in the breakfast bar aisle, hugging myself and sipping maple syrup from this flask.
Or one that says, “I’m actually worthless! I’ve had my whole grain, vitimins, minerals, enzymes and everything else removed and replaced with sugar and celulose! But my box is pretty. BUY ME! I’m Ninja Cocoa Poofy Puffs.”
Psych-O’s!
Yay! It’s Lair!
Cereal is food of the GODS! how else are you going to get chocolate flavored sugar bombs if it’s not an industrialized product?
According to historic accounts Mr. Kellogg or Dr. Kellogg was looking for an improved breakfast meal to serve to hospital patients. He left a pot of boiled wheat standing, which softened. He then rolled it out and let it dry. Voile, the (corn/wheat) flake was born (according to about.cominventors, anyway).
I’ll just bet Kellogg and CW Post are spinning in their graves. However Marjorie Merriwether Post, like the good capitalist she was, laughed all the way to the bank. There’s nothing like the spirit of entrepreneurism.
For a reasonable fee I’ll cook breakfast for you, that way you don’t have to feel like a bad parent/worthless child.
Er, of course that reasonable fee includes air fare (My airport demands a 5 day detour to Hawaii for all business trips), cost of supplies, hotel accommodations (5 star only), housekeeping expenses, and additional fees.
How hartless can u b? 98% of po chillren don’t get no brkfast when skul is out. Y? Cuz the gubmint don’t give no brkfast to po plple. They givz it to da skul. And they AIN’T NO SKUL! How kin U xpect the po crak ho to gits up afta a long nite of walkin da street? WHY DON’T DA GUBMINT KARE?
When Hillary is elected POTUS, we will all be eating healthy prior to our 15 hour days in the rice paddyies listening to speeches by the “great leader” before we get another bowl of rice for dinner and then off to bed in the “Village” before it starts again…
How about a JOHN EDWARDS breakfast cereal?
I’m thinking something PINK, FRUIT-FLAVORED, with lots and LOTS of soft, chewy marshmallows with SPARKLES.
AND it would come with a FREE bottle of nail polish in every box.
They could call it “JOHNNY POOFS.”
Lair is Back! I thought that Frank had finally taken care of you.
The real fun part of Dr Kellogg’s story is what he hoped to accomplish with his cereal, namely help people accomplish the creation of perfect poop. He was known to carry around his own “creations” in napkins to show people what theirs should look like.
Maybe he was part monkey and was working on the aerodynamics.
Back when I was a kid, they were honest. “With toast, juice and milk this cereal makes a complete breakfast!”
Even at age 5 my response was, “Well duh. Toast, juice and milk by itself is most of a complete breakfast.”
Now? They pretend they’re not adding just enough flour for the sugar to hold together.
…But cereal makes your weiner soft!
“In the 1800s sexual abstinence, simple foods, and fitness were lauded as crucial to health. The Reverend Sylvester Graham, who promoted the use of whole-grain flours and whose name is still attached to graham crackers, wrote that ejaculation reduced precious ‘vital fluids’. He beseeched men to abstain from masturbation and even marital intercourse to avoid moral and physical degeneracy.
John Harvey Kellogg, a physician, carried Graham’s work further and developed the cornflake to help prevent masturbation and sexual desire (Kellogg believed that bland food dampened sexual interest and that spicy foods excited sexual desires).
-Our Sexuality 9th Edition, pages 246-247-
I WILL NEVER EAT ANOTHER CORN FLAKE AS LONG AS I LIVE! UNLESS IT IS FLOATING IN HABANERO JUICE!
Why am I smiling? I make my husband a hearty breakfast every morning.
But is it Spicy?
I’d hate to think he was ‘dampened’.
Well seasoned, heldmyw, well seasoned.
Since I started reading Daily Fred Thompson Facts, however, I’ve had to make myself oatmeal everyday, because my underwear kept catching on fire.
I understand… it has to be tough.
Perhaps a small packet of John Edwards “Sweaty Pretzels”, and a swig of strawberry “Silky Pony Yogurt” (made from actual milk from the Silky Pony himself) might help.
(I wonder what the Silky Pony milking stool looks like? Hmmmm.)
Ew. I apologize. That was too raucous for a nice site like this.