NEW YORK (AP) – Just days after a noose was hung on the door of a black professor, Columbia University was shocked by another vicious hate crime – a tea bag hung on the door of an American History professor.
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Dr. Eric Foner, author of such books as “America: Better Than YOUR Stinking Third-World Country” and “England Sucks Ass: The Secret Cause of the American Revolution”, was appalled to discover the tea bag stapled to his office door.
“Every knows,” Dr. Foner said, “that tea – and England totally sucking ass – was the primary cause of the American Revolutionary war. Those inbred lime-lickers used it for years to oppress the American people. To hang a smelly, drippy leaf-sack on an American’s door like that… the ultimate symbol of the cruel British boot-heel that tried to stomp the life out of our young nation… it’s like racism, except a million times worse because it’s happening to white people.”
Local police said that their hate crimes unit had mounted a full investigation, including testing the tea bag for traces of poor oral hygiene which might prove a British connection.
Columbia students rallied in support of the victimized professor on Thursday, chanting slogans such as “No taxation without representation!” and “Hey! Hey! Earl Grey! Drinking tea will make you gay!”
A small group of counterprotesters stood at the edge of the commons during the rally, diffidently sipping Darjeeling whilst maintaining a stiff upper lip and pretending that soccer was actually a sport instead of a trivial field exercise for the insufficiently aggressive offspring of pampered suburbanites. They quickly dispersed after a group of men dressed as Indians threatend to throw them into a nearby harbor.
We were there, and it wasn’t Soccer they were talking about (or “football,” since those lime-licking tax-mongers still can’t get it into their heads that FOOTBALL is a manly, contact sport) – they were going on and on about “cricket” which is about as much of a sport as “golf” (another one of those monarchist ‘sports’ exported to pollute our democratic soil!), only with even less excitement.
Go back home to your taxes and your imperialist oppressions, Redcoats! No taxation without representation!
(Unless, apparently, you are Nancy Pelosi, Ted Kennedy, Barney Frank, Hillary Clinton… Wait a minute, I guess I do get taxed without representation. Oh bugger.)
I gotta ask you Harvey, do you know what tea-bagging is?
If so, that makes this post even funnier. If not? Well, that makes it funnier too. Just not for the same reason.
Don’t see how Harvey could have worked the best treatment for hickies into the story.
Surveillance video shows a bald man resembling Captain Picard fleeing from the scene. He had a sign reading “Crumpets for Christ”. WTF?
In related news, the Indian Subcontinental Studies teacher was accosted by a T-Bone steak being nailed to his door and the History of Islam teacher keeps getting pork chops and ham stuffed in his teacher’s mailbox.
As the second offends Islam, the state Attorney General is looking to push for the death penalty.
Before they left, still cameras caught the suspected Englishmen smiling and revealed they were missing some teeth while several needed to wipe their mouths. Local police regard this as their new MO and are now searching all of New England for traces of these illegal ingrates.
Up the road a ways, police at Yale had a similar problem with dog poop wrapped up like “groom’s cake” and presented at a recent retirement party for an esteemed professor. But since Yale has secret societies, officers dismissed the case as typical of a campus student body full of liberal shit.
Another shameless attempt to lure the limey out of hiding!!! We got your number bub.
The professor upon being tea-bagged while passed out in his home after a night of drinking issued this statement: “It is incomprehensible that I, an esteemed member of the elite educational faculty of Columbia, be disgraced by a run-by ‘tea-bagging.’ This is outrageous and I, along with the American Council Against the Tea-bagging of Acadamia or ACATA will find whomever is responsible and punish them to the full extent of the law. This is an obvious terrorist attack and We will not stand for it.”
“No taxation without representation!”
Well, Yanks, how’s that taxation WITH representation workin’ out??! ‘illery goin’ to fix THAT for ya, too? ‘ey, wot!
It’s like gettin’ screwed with permission – a form of self-immolation. Hillary’s our best example of our natural masochistic tendencies, mate!
The Liberal faculty at Columbia can suck my leaf-sack!
This just in:
New York City decided to look further into illegal English immigrants and was overruled by the 2nd District Court which cited Federal Judge Charles R. Breyer’s recent ruling suspending Bush’s anti-immigration plans. Mayer Bombberg was quoted as saying, “Hell, they and regular New Yorkers all look alike, anyway. The only thing we had to go by were those tea bags they were carrying.” Dr. Eric Foner at Columbia was at a tea party and couldn’t be reached for comment.
“‘illery goin’ to fix THAT for ya, too? ‘ey, wot!”
Can somebody translate? Babelfish doesn’t have ‘imbecile’ as an option.
This is on par with that Obama story you did a while back.