I know I’m a little slow on the ball with the news that Tony Snow is leaving the White House Press Secretary’s job, but I think I’ve come across some interesting reasons why he’s leaving.
Oh, sure, he says he’s leaving because of the money and to write a few books, but this is Tony Freaking Snow. Unlike Peter Jennings, who raked in money hand over fist while chainsmoking himself to death, Tony Snow stared cancer in the eye and conquered it, eating more bran per pound of body weight than any living creature on the planet (including pandas)
Money means nothing to Tony Snow, who goes to Fort Knox to deposit gold. So what’s the real scoop?

• Sick of personal grooming duties: Ever since President Benjamin Harrison ordered his press secretary to pick the fleas out of his voluminous beard, the personal groomings of the commander-in-chief have falled under the umbrella of the press secretary. Sure, President Bush is a very well-groomed individual, but Tony drew the line at trimming ear hair and was summarily dismissed.
• Accidental nuking of Liberia: You haven’t heard much from Liberia lately, have you? Yeah, well, thank Tony Snow for that. (No, really – thank Tony Snow for that. Liberia didn’t have much to offer the world, anyway.)
• Scared of Helen Thomas: Okay, so he thought he was tough enough to face down The Medusa of The Media, Helen Thomas. Despite months of training in the Himalayas, sleeping with yeti females while armed with nothing but a toothpick and a bottle of whiskey, Tony crumbled under her hideous, babbling visage like every press secretary before him. Cackling with glee, Helen Thomas will shamble back to her cthonic mead hall under the Potomac and go back to mourning the dismemberment of her son.
• Tori Amos: Still won’t return his calls.
• Ethical problems with Dick Cheney’s organ farming: Until the folks at White Sands come up with a permanent artificial heart, Dick Cheney’s been going down the transplant waiting list and wiping out all the people waiting in front of him. And who has been the unfortunate soul that plays Igor to Cheney’s Frankenstein? That’s right: Tony Snow. (Kinda makes sense, since it was on his resume from his days working for Rupert Murdoch)

So there you have it – the God’s-honest truth.
I feel bad for Gallagher, because when he takes the job he’s not going to be allowed to open up with the watermelon and seldgehammer gag. (He will, however, be allowed to tell Helen Thomas to put a plastic bag over her head.)