How Trump is Celebrating Cinco de Mayo, you might ask.  He loves Hispanics, you know.  They’re great, as long as they stay behind that wall.  Here is how he is celebrating.

• Equipping his yacht with a new set of anchor babies
• Whacking a giant Cruz-Rubio piñata, filled with candy wrappers
• Launching his new line of Trump Tequila, proudly sold in the US but made by Malaysian orphans
• Settling down for a long, slow fantasy involving a dirty Ivanka-Tiffany ‘enchilada’
• Los trasplantes de cabello naranja para todos
• Establishing the Mexico City campus of Trump Universidad, with its associated wall
• Throwing a yuge fiesta, catered by illegals
• Paying the legal fees for anyone who will punch La Raza in the face
• Designing the guady new signs for the Trump Casa Blanca
• Systematically offending all the wise latina women he meets
• Announcing that his running mate will be Pedro

Now that he is the presumptive nominee, it’s time for The Donald to turn his cool, informed savvy toward beating The Hillary. Here are his plans that have been leaked.

• Make a great deal so that both he and Hillary run as each other’s VPs.
• If the rigged Electoral College doesn’t make him President, there will be riots.
• Start wearing lipstick and a dress. Transgender trumps woman.
• Leak that photo of Hillary palling around with John Wilkes Booth.
• At the start of the first debate, pin Hillary to the floor and give her a pink belly until she agrees to drop out of the race.
• Threaten to ‘spill the beans’ on Bill. Wait til you see it. It will be yuge!
• Keep reminding the electorate that his daughter is way hotter than Chelsea.  Which one do you want to have to look at for the next four years?
• Make a better deal with Lucifer, maybe even appoint him to the Supreme Court.
• Garner the endorsements of such Washington outsiders as Boehner, Pelosi, Boxer, Schumer, Reid, Bill Clinton…..
• Be the first Republican candidate to actively court the dead vote.
• He’s pretty sure Hillary is ineligible to run because she isn’t a natural born citizen, but how to prove it?
• Woo Bernie supporters by offering taxpayer funded Trump University for all.