The 2008 election may be over a year from now, but it’s never too early to start planning to steal it. Though we Republicans make it look easy, stealing an election is a complex activity that requires lots of forethought and planning.
Now, some foundation has been laid already. The Supreme Court has been made even more conservative to the point that a Republican only has to be within ten percentage points of a Democrat for the Court to hand him the election. Also, 2006 election was thrown to get the Democrats’ guard down as we lay out our biggest election stealing plan ever.
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Here’s some of my ideas to make November 2008 a smooth heist:
* Make heavy use of electronic voting made from pathological Republican supporter Diebold. Because Democrats complained so much about out-dated punch card ballots, they have to accept the shiny new electronic voting machines. Of course, while the screen shows choices for all the candidates, internally the program its running is “Press any key to vote for a Republican.”
* Let’s get members of the military two votes. Democrats like to pretend they support the troops, so let’s call them on that bluff. With members of the military stuck in a horrible war and being verbally assailed by Rush Limbaugh, don’t they deserve two votes? Of course, people only join the military out of a fascist desire to shoot poor people, and thus they all vote Republican.
* A big part of any election stealing plans is suppressing the minority vote. Minorities love voting for Democrats, but there’s one thing they love even more: Committing acts of crime. If on election day we have some big crimes set up, like we put word out that a huge bank heist is about to go down, minorities will be too distracted with criminal activities to vote for Democrats.
* Voter intimidation is always a big winner. Let’s “We’ve heard plans terrorists are going to blah blah blah” and then station armed guards in each of the voter booths to stop whatever it is we pretend we think the terrorists are going to do. The guards will watch each voter carefully (to prevent terrorism!) while holding a machine gun and wearing a “I heart Republicans” button. If voters still don’t get the message, they’ll hit a voter in the head with the butt of their gun if they see him voting for a Democrats, because that is a suspicious terrorist-like activity.
* In heavily Democrat districts, declare election day to also be opposite day so that a vote for a Democrat is actually a vote for a Republican. When people later complain they weren’t informed it was opposite day, tell them, “We told you it wasn’t opposite day, and since it was opposite day, that meant I said it was opposite day.”
* It’s no secret that Democrats get most of their voters from the shallow end of the bell curve, so it’s always helpful to use lots of methods to make it hard for stupid people to vote. One is using the extremely complex butterfly ballots that requires at least a first grade level reading comprehension to use. That’s disenfranchises about 25% of Democrats right there. Another method is to distract these voters, such as having polling places next to shops of shiny things that are sure to distract the average moron Democrat. Finally, making it take a long time to vote is helpful because Democrats and their tiny brains have the attention span of squirrels. Also, if they’re in line for too long, they’ll probably get hungry and eat their voter cards.
* Young people — who often fall in the same category as stupid people — tend to vote Democrat, so it’s best to suppress their vote as well. We should have one of those people like Fonzie who are popular to the kids come out against voting and making fun of anyone who would think of voting. We could also push it to be the style for women to rip of their voter card and glue the pieces to their purse. Of course, nothing is probably going to get young people to vote anyway, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
* While the large methods for stealing an election get a lot of attention, don’t forget the smaller methods that are usually referred to as “general shenanigans.” Any little thing to stop Democrats from voting helps. One of my favorite is to make sure for voting booths that use levers that all the levers except those for Republicans are stuck. The person inside will eventually give up trying to vote for a Democrat and vote for the Republican instead since “you have to vote for someone to be a good citizen.” Another thing I like is find the main roads out of Democrat areas and put up a sign that says, “Voting This Way.” But the sign is pointing to a tunnel that was merely painted on the side of a mountain. Not too many people fall for that, but when they do, it’s fun.
No matter how well you plan to steal an election, it’s never a sure thing. That’s why we all have to play our part. Remember: Only you can prevent people from voting for Democrats.
bigbro says: I know this guy who had his fingers blown off by am errant grenade in Iraq, now he can’t vote. Shame.
fred call aka bigbro
Frank, you gotta get more dead people registered to vote. Turns out they tend to vote the way the majority votes. So, if you have a traditionally Republican state, they’ll vote Republican. So Red States can improve their chances of staying Red by signing up dead relatives. In Blue States, the Republicans can simply kill the local voter registration employees who are trying to sign up dead Democrats. See how that works?
Try stationing a Marine or Soldier outside each voter booth and require each person to give them a hug and thank them for their service before they enter. Also, to stop the gifted actors among them, require them to denounce Al-Qaeda, Hugo Chavez, and Castro before giving them a ballot. Should work like a charm!
All I want is a constitutional amendment giving every American the right to one vote for every thousand dollars paid in income taxes each year. Is that too much to ask?
…don’t forget that we need finger-dipping inkpots for the morons (bots) that can actually find their way to the voting booth, and tend to think that since they registered themselves 6 times using aliases, they get to cast a vote for each and every one of their crackpot, split personalities…
(If we place a cookie jar near the voting booth and monitor it, I’d be willing to bet a dozen ballots that they’d filch more then one per person)
I think a San Francisco style homo display with full frontal nudity, naked butt whipping and religious mockery at each polling place would divert at least 50% of the RAT vote!
Very funny stuff Frank!
Hitting them with the butt of their gun if they vote democratic is my favorite!
You shold hear my dad rant on this subject. He lives in Denver, and he believes that the whole election system in Colorado is rigged. Of course, it does seem slightly odd that Colorado was a red state, but then as soon as then installed electronic voting everything started to slide to the left….. Hmmm. I think I have moved past tinfoil and need a copper and brass head enclosing faraday cage…..
I still like my plan that I E-mailed you last year best.
When people later complain they weren’t informed it was opposite day, tell them, “We told you it wasn’t opposite day, and since it was opposite day, that meant I said it was opposite day.”
Why be so complicated? Just declare it oppositely by not declaring it. Worked for Hobbes.