Apparently black women are having trouble figuring out whether to vote for the black person or the woman, because they’re both black and women. It’s much easier for black men, because they have a black man to vote for, but black women have to decide which is their more important identity: Being black or being a woman.
Maybe black women will now know what it feels like to be a white male, because identity politics gets us nowhere since all our choices are white men. We actually have to analyze the candidates on the issues, and it sucks. I look forward to a day when a black man, a Hispanic, an Asian, and others are all running together in the Republican primary and then I can carefully look through all the diverse candidates until I find the one white dude and vote for him.

MKH from last night’s Red Eye:

Apparently they’re moving Red Eye back an hour to 3am. Maybe it’s no On the Record with Greta Van Susteren, but it deserves better. It pretty much the only show out there where you see conservatives and liberals talking with each other instead of at each other (even though it’s about crap issues, it’s still refreshing).
(hat tip to Hot Air)

“My mom says I’m cool.”

Even after all the political posturing, it came as a surprise to the Democratic Congress that their approval rating of 11% is just half of the favorable rating received by Nazis in a German poll. The approval rate for Democrats was 11% – It was 25% for Nazis when asked if there was anything good to their control of Germany.
This poll comes as a shock to Nancy Pelosi. Said the Speaker of the House: “We don’t know what more we can do. We’ve proposed gay marriage, gay love, gay education, and laws protecting gays. We’re just about at our limit. Maybe they would like us more if we withdrew from Iraq.”
Congressional insiders are formulating plans to gain more popularity than Nazis. Said one insider, “We never figured that calling President Bush a no good Nazi really meant that he had a higher level of populariity. But there it is.” Pretty soon, congress will roll out their secret weapons: David Crosby and Paul Simon. Many feel that these two performers will be able to reach out and touch a demographic they’ve never had before: 60’s radicals.
President Bush turned out to be slightly less popular than Nazis but his numbers were within the margin of error.

Looks like Johnny picked up some endorsements from several state chapter of the Service Employees International Union (SEIU).
Which kinda makes sense, because these are mainly hospital workers and janitors. Figure that if Edwards got elected, there’d be a lot more call for these jobs, since – with the increase in domestic terror attacks that would inevitably take place with Captain Spaghetti Spine in power – there’d be oodles of wounded flooding the hospitals, plus all the gallons of blood that would need to be cleaned up from the walls and floors of shopping malls across the country.
There are also rumors that Edwards will soon be picking up other endorsements:

Hasbro – Edwards promises to do for My Little Pony what Reagan did for Jelly Belly jelly beans.
Hairdressers – You’ll see signs in beauty shops all across America, “get your Super-Silky Johnny-Do Here”.
Aquaman – Finally, a President who couldn’t kick his ass.
Maybelline – Reciprocal endorsement
Toilet seat manufacturers – Edwards will make sitzpinkling trendy.
Columbia Records – they own Streisand’s music library, which will be played non-stop on the White House sound system.
M.I.T. – They’ll be getting a HUGE research grant to discover a fabric softener powerful enough to make a towel not leave scratch marks all over Johnny’s tender tushie.
Whiffle Ball, Inc. – Let’s face it, Edwards is going to have to outlaw baseball so that he won’t have to embarrass himself trying to throw out any first pitches.
The Village People – Mostly for the hush money payments they’ll get to keep that old video off YouTube. You know… that early, NC-17 rated version of “Macho Man” they made before Edwards’s pantsless “Trial Lawyer” character was replaced by the Indian Chief.
And, of course, Helen Reddy:

Let me know if you hear of any other Edwards endorsers.

The 2008 election may be over a year from now, but it’s never too early to start planning to steal it. Though we Republicans make it look easy, stealing an election is a complex activity that requires lots of forethought and planning.
Now, some foundation has been laid already. The Supreme Court has been made even more conservative to the point that a Republican only has to be within ten percentage points of a Democrat for the Court to hand him the election. Also, 2006 election was thrown to get the Democrats’ guard down as we lay out our biggest election stealing plan ever.

Diebold is doing their part. Are you?

Here’s some of my ideas to make November 2008 a smooth heist:
* Make heavy use of electronic voting made from pathological Republican supporter Diebold. Because Democrats complained so much about out-dated punch card ballots, they have to accept the shiny new electronic voting machines. Of course, while the screen shows choices for all the candidates, internally the program its running is “Press any key to vote for a Republican.”
* Let’s get members of the military two votes. Democrats like to pretend they support the troops, so let’s call them on that bluff. With members of the military stuck in a horrible war and being verbally assailed by Rush Limbaugh, don’t they deserve two votes? Of course, people only join the military out of a fascist desire to shoot poor people, and thus they all vote Republican.
* A big part of any election stealing plans is suppressing the minority vote. Minorities love voting for Democrats, but there’s one thing they love even more: Committing acts of crime. If on election day we have some big crimes set up, like we put word out that a huge bank heist is about to go down, minorities will be too distracted with criminal activities to vote for Democrats.
* Voter intimidation is always a big winner. Let’s “We’ve heard plans terrorists are going to blah blah blah” and then station armed guards in each of the voter booths to stop whatever it is we pretend we think the terrorists are going to do. The guards will watch each voter carefully (to prevent terrorism!) while holding a machine gun and wearing a “I heart Republicans” button. If voters still don’t get the message, they’ll hit a voter in the head with the butt of their gun if they see him voting for a Democrats, because that is a suspicious terrorist-like activity.
* In heavily Democrat districts, declare election day to also be opposite day so that a vote for a Democrat is actually a vote for a Republican. When people later complain they weren’t informed it was opposite day, tell them, “We told you it wasn’t opposite day, and since it was opposite day, that meant I said it was opposite day.”
* It’s no secret that Democrats get most of their voters from the shallow end of the bell curve, so it’s always helpful to use lots of methods to make it hard for stupid people to vote. One is using the extremely complex butterfly ballots that requires at least a first grade level reading comprehension to use. That’s disenfranchises about 25% of Democrats right there. Another method is to distract these voters, such as having polling places next to shops of shiny things that are sure to distract the average moron Democrat. Finally, making it take a long time to vote is helpful because Democrats and their tiny brains have the attention span of squirrels. Also, if they’re in line for too long, they’ll probably get hungry and eat their voter cards.
* Young people — who often fall in the same category as stupid people — tend to vote Democrat, so it’s best to suppress their vote as well. We should have one of those people like Fonzie who are popular to the kids come out against voting and making fun of anyone who would think of voting. We could also push it to be the style for women to rip of their voter card and glue the pieces to their purse. Of course, nothing is probably going to get young people to vote anyway, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
* While the large methods for stealing an election get a lot of attention, don’t forget the smaller methods that are usually referred to as “general shenanigans.” Any little thing to stop Democrats from voting helps. One of my favorite is to make sure for voting booths that use levers that all the levers except those for Republicans are stuck. The person inside will eventually give up trying to vote for a Democrat and vote for the Republican instead since “you have to vote for someone to be a good citizen.” Another thing I like is find the main roads out of Democrat areas and put up a sign that says, “Voting This Way.” But the sign is pointing to a tunnel that was merely painted on the side of a mountain. Not too many people fall for that, but when they do, it’s fun.
No matter how well you plan to steal an election, it’s never a sure thing. That’s why we all have to play our part. Remember: Only you can prevent people from voting for Democrats.

Sometimes when it comes to satire, it’s easy to get carried away. You take an idea, and you talk about it by using a parallel idea and playing on their similarities or differences. For example, I felt it was funny yesterday to take a fictional mugging by a fictional rightwing nut job carried out on a host of a fictional radio network. I attempted to show how the Left coddles criminals and makes them into victims; often times completely ignoring the value of putting the criminal in jail to face punishment. This was lost on some of you. If you did not get it, I’d like to extend the following token of apology.
(more below the fold)

Continue reading ‘To the Left: Please Accept My Apology’ »

The Washington Post today reported that the World Trade Center is “doing just fine.” Lately, it has come under attack by several bloggers, such as Flopping Aces, for challenging one of their latest reports on Iraq. Said one staffer (who declined to be identified because he felt it was unprofessional to identify a source) “They questioned our objectivitity. We gathered the best military minds on this topic. Sure some of them hadn’t been there in years, and NONE of them had been there since the so called “surge” in Iraq, but we feel the past is a good indicator of the future. Unless it involves convicted criminals.”
Said today’s article in the Washington Post. “We gathered several people who had visited the World Trade Center on September 10th, 2001. It turns out that everything is perfectly fine!”
Editors blasted the Bush administration for creating such a blatant lie that peaceful Muslims would attack innocent women and children while they did nothing but mind their own business and go about their day. “This leaves me nauseated. I hope this report on the State of the World Trade Center sheds some light on what’s really going on in that area.”
When asked if they would consider getting information from people who had been there RECENTLY they scoffed and said, “We trust our sources. We don’t feel that anything can radically change over a short period of time.”
More on this story as it develops.

How do you spin falling violence in Iraq into a negative. This is how.
Whoever wrote that news report should win an award. That took some real creativity. IMAO takes our hats off to you.