Katie Couric said that using “we” when referring to America makes her uncomfortable. That’s stupid and I hate her. I love saying “we” when talking about America because it allows me to say lots of things that I could not say only about myself:
We are the richer and more powerful than all others.
We can destroy any country we feel like.
We landed on the moon, suckas!
America is freaking awesome. We collected the best people from all over the world into one country so we can totally rule at absolutely everything. Scientists have determined that America is by far the most awesome country they have discovered existing in the three spatial and one temporal dimensions. Who would not want to be associated with that? And it’s not like rooting for some local football team, because we’re all actually a part of it. That rules.
I guess some people think America is so mind-boggingly super-fantastic that they feel the need to apologize to the citizens of lesser countries for how our awesomeness makes them appear even more pathetic. That’s dumb. People from other countries should apologize to us for sucking so badly. Sometimes how much their countries suck interferes with our awesomeness, like Mexico. We want them to prostrate before us and say, “Oh glorious Americans, we are sorry for how much our country sucks and how it disturbs your unbelievable awesomeness.”
And we can say, “That’s okay. We know you’re trying hard, and we will not raze your country… for now.”
That’s the proper order of things. It also reminds me of another pronoun I like to use: “They.”
“They” is what I call all the terrorists, evil foreigners, and liberals.
They are bad.
They should be rounded up and brought to Gitmo and beaten with rubber hoses.
They smell and I hate them.
You can combine “we” with “they” for even better statements.
We should destroy them.
Pronouns are awesome! But not as awesome as us.

The House voted 341 to 79 to condemn MoveOn.org, which means a large majority of Democrats voted for it too. I don’t really care that much at this point — MoveOn has clearly made their name mud because people tend to look down on a bunch of wiener kids calling a serving general a traitor — but it is fun to watch the nutroots bitch and moan. They were so sure they were speaking twoof to power, but I guess Democrats still don’t think their viewpoints are quite ready for primetime.
It’s going to be interesting as we get to the general election cycle as the Democrat candidate is going to have to decide whether placating these whiners is worth the risk of being tarred by their craziness. I’m guessing that they’re going to get shunned as soon as the primary is over and then fade away when the crux of their universe — President Bush — is no longer in office.
Don’t worry, though; something equally inane will eventually fill the void — maybe even noisy right-wing crazies!

Rumor has it that President Bush has been quietly giving advice to Hillary about not making stupid promises regarding Iraq that she’ll regret if she gets elected. I’m sure the advice also encompasses other topics, and I’ll speculate thusly about what he might have said:

10) “Choose a running mate that’s in favor of gun control so as not to be blindsided by an embarrassing ‘lawyer hunting accident'”.
9) “Don’t fire your US Attorneys, just kill them and dump the bodies in a park somewhere… like I have to tell YOU to do that!”
8) “Keep Bill the hell away from my daughters!”
7) “Don’t walk barefoot on the White House lawn – John Kerry’s medals are still out there somewhere and those things are POINTY!”
6) “If you win, I’m TOTALLY stealing all the H’s off the computer keyboards before I go.”
5) “That new French President Sarkozy is a terror with his SBD‘s. Try to meet with him outdoors whenever possible.”
4) “Ya want fluffy omelets, ya gotta beat ’em until your arm is sore. Good advice for raising kids, too.”
3) “Yankees take the Series in 6. Lay the lumber. Don’t ask questions, just trust me.”
2) “Please, for the love of God, no more cleavage.”
And the #1 piece of advice from W to Hillary (see extended entry)…

Continue reading ‘Top Ten Pieces of Advice From W To Hillary’ »

Rachel Lucas found a homosexual in Iran.

I was thinking, aren’t the nutroots basically just a Bizzaro Bush? Bizzaro was the opposite of Superman. He’d say “Hello” when Superman would say “Goodbye.” Since Superman had heat vision, Bizzaro has cold vision. In the same way, the nutroots mindlessly aim to be the opposite of whatever Bush is. If Bush is for war, they’re against it. If Bush thinks they have enough troops, they think he should have more. If Bush thinks he needs more troops, they think he should have less. If Bush hates Ahmadinejad, they love Ahmadinejad. If Bush thinks genocide in Iraq is a bad thing, then they think its peachy. If Bush likes America, then they kind nothing but fault with the country.
Eventually, Bizzaro killed himself since to he determined to be the opposite of Superman he had to be dead. It’s nice when problems solve themselves.

Apparently the narrative the nutroots have for Iran executing gays is that in America the evil religious right don’t let gays marry which is totally exactly the same thing. The variation is that it starts with not letting gays marry, and then it moves on to rounding up and killing them (like in Kentucky when it outlawed cousins being married they eventually started rounding up and executing cousins). Basically, you’re either for letting gays marry or your for executing them; there is no middle ground (at least that their tiny brains can comprehend). More importantly, no matter how evil some foreigners may seem, Americans and especially conservatives are just as bad if not worse.
Which seems like a great argument for not pissing us off.

President Bush wants the U.N. to revisit its roots and spread freedom. The problem is that the U.N. is already busy spreading many things:
* Incompetence.
* Complaining.
* Embezzlement.
* Anti-Semitism.
* Crabs
* Impotence.
* Peanut butter.
Once their done spreading all of that, they’ll get to freedom.

If we want to kill a country’s leader but avoid worldwide condemnation, let’s just go ahead and assassinate the guy. When questioned about it, we say, “He had rabies.” Then we bow our heads like we’re really sad. “We had to put him down.” Then everyone will think of Old Yeller and how he got rabies and had to be put down and it was really sad. Everyone will feel so sorry for us that they’ll make us a pie.
This is an awesome idea.

Dude.
Who could even process that situation to react in time? As a nation, our kung fu is weak, and I’ve always warned that ninjas will take advantage of that. Expect more ninja related crime in the future.