It seems that the whole Dumbledore Was Gay post generated a lot of comments. Not a lot of humor, but a lot of comments. Folks, this is a HUMOR site. In theory at least. Or so I’m told.
Anyway, the object of the post was to have the readers generate a Top 10 list. On a personal note, let me share this with you.
You.
Guys.
Suck.
Anyway, it wasn’t ALL bad. We were able to get these gems from some of our commenters.
Top 10 Reasons We Should Have Known Dumbledore Was Gay
10. *Had an unusually wide stance when casting spells. AlanABQ
9. *Kept secretly reciting the “wingardium leviosa” spell towards male student’s crotches. AlanABQ
8. Hogwart’s policy of Don’t ask, don’t spell. Gary
7. He likes his candy sweet and his phoenixes FLAMING! Cknight
6. His patronus: John Edwards. Cknight
And then you guys ran out of gas. It’s okay. That’s why IMAO is here. We’re the professionals. Or semi professionals. Quarter professionals. (1/8 professionals at the very least.)
Anyway, here’s a COMPLETE top ten list. The entries above were good. The one’s listed below are mine. Check below the fold and tell me what you think.
Archive of entries posted on October 2007
How Does the Military Spend All Those Billions?
President Bush wants another million billion dollars for war. The Democrats are acting like they won’t give it to him, but they’re impotent little wusses and when push comes to shove, they’ll squeal, “We were okay with the pushing, but the shoving is too much! Stop and we’ll give you whatever you want!”
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Now obviously half that money will go to Halliburton in the form of kick backs, but why does the military need so much more money? Here’s what I found out about where all these expenditures came from:
* They’re now issuing military grade nunchucks to all the troops.
* Treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder from the last time Hillary visited.
* Cigarettes are expensive you know.
* Study of what best sustains the morale of troops sitting in a hot tank: A Nintendo DS or a PSP.
* How are the troops supposed to represent the best of America if they don’t each have an iPhone?
* There treating all the troops for psychosis since they keep claiming things aren’t as bad the 100% reliable media claims they are.
* They military thought they saw something, they fired all their bullets at it, and now they need more ammo.
* They’re putting spinners on all the tanks.
* Apparently some of the stuff they blew up needs to be rebuilt. Who knew?
* The troops keep crashing UAVs into each other as practical jokes, and while that is funny, it’s not millions of dollars funny
* The Marines’ Ka-Bars are dirty and they want new ones.
* They’re building sandboxes for the Iraqi kids and need to import some sand.
* They bought some hybrid Humvees but had to replace them after it was pointed out that violated the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.
* The troops need Prozac after the devastating news that Dumbledore is gay.
* All assault vehicles now come with OnStar.
* The Blackwater contractors signed on to be beat, shot at, and blown up, but casting them as villains costs extra.
* All the movies out of Hollywood lately are a bunch of anti-American crap, so they had to make their own movies.
* Don’t tell anyone, but most of the money is going towards invading Iran.
lolterizt! Part 20
lolterizt! Part 20
Once again, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
[hat tip: Redneck Texan]
From John:
From McBain:
Three from Erik Wit:
PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Is the War Against the War Lost?
Violence is down 70% in Iraq. That combined with Osama trying to tell all the terrorists to get along and the Democrats backing down on asking for immediate (or even scheduled) withdrawal seem to indicate that the war against the war may be over. I remember when the war against the war in Afghanistan was lost. When we didn’t completely control Afghanistan within a day, the media was crying quagmire and talking about how impossible it was going to be take the remaining cities. Then — POW! — the military chased all the Taliban to the caves and no one talked about Afghanistan being hopeless anymore.
Now that the war against the war in Iraq is over, we can focus on winning the war in Iraq. Know what would be awesome? When that war is won, Bush lands on an aircraft carrier again with a big banner saying, “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, BITCHES!”
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Yay! Crush Ron Paul Supporters with Facism!
Red State has cracked down on Ron Paul spammers and purged them from their site. How insane and socially inept are the Ronulans to not understand that annoying the hell out of everyone does not generate support for your crank candidate. I swear I’ve never seen another group lacking this much self-awareness.
I should note that no where in the Constitution does it say citizens should be a bunch of annoying little goobers. In fact, it says quite the opposite and prescribes death for useless, annoying people.
Really. It’s near the middle.
Link of the Day
For those who miss SarahK’s singing from the podcast, here is her singing “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Miserables. She didn’t like her performance, but I thought it was great. I’m actually quite familiar with the song because my brother was really into Les Miserables and used to play the music from it all the time… oh wait; there’s that “don’t ask don’t tell” policy with the Marines. Forget I said anything.
Ronin Profile: dRoast
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Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s dRoast.
What’s the story behind your name? Well, it was given to me by my college friends, and is one of those stories that begins “well, we were drinking…”. Let’s just say that it involved a large quantity of adult refreshments, a steep hill, and an attempt to re-create Monty Python’s “Ministry of Silly Walks” skit at 3:00AM. At least, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.
Where do you live? Beautiful Lake Mills, WI. Close enough to Madison to go to the UW sporting events, but far enough away to avoid the hippies.
How old are you? 38, so old enough to know better but young enough not to care.
Tell us briefly about yourself. I’m a native born cheesehead, have lived my entire life in southern WI. (Go Packers!! Bears Suck!!) Went to school at the UW-Madison and actually managed to get an education without succumbing to the siren song of hippie chicks and tenured leftists. I am married to a wonderful woman, with three boys (8, 5 and 2) and am a proud gun-owning conservative capitalist, working in the financial industry to help further enrich the exploiters of the masses. I also teach business classes part time, doing my part to keep capitalism alive.
How long have you been reading IMAO? Since early 2003, I think. I believe I was first directed here by one of the Puppy Blender’s comments on your Filthy Lies (which we all know were really true).
What’s your favorite IMAO post? Man, that’s a hard one. Right now it is a toss up between LOLTERIZT and Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths. I’ve always been a fan of Know Thy Enemy and Frank Answers as well.
If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Monkey shredding infidels.
What’s your favorite political issue? Bias in the media, because it affects all of the other important issues (national security, illegal immigration, taxation, et cetera). I am a firm believer that given full information, the American citizen will make the right choices come election time. There is just such a lefty bias and lack of patriotism the media today that it is hard for the average citizen to be objectively informed. I therefore propose that all journalists who claim to be objective should have to have their stories vetted by a committee consisting of John Bolton, Donald Rumsfeld, and Buck the Marine. If bias is found, they will have one chance to amend their copy. If they fail at that, they will get tasered in the ‘nads. If that doesn’t cure them, well, I can’t be held responsible for the consequences.
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I have three kids, 1.5 jobs and a house to take care of. I have no time for blogging, so I will have to count on you to keep the truth flowing. Don’t let me down, Frank!
What irrational number do you most identify with? As a conservative, I do not identify with any irrational numbers, only rational ones. People who identify with irrational numbers are usually liberals, as in “You only create more terrorists by fighting them!” So lets see, you have 10 terrorists, and you kill 9 of them, leaving one. How is that creating more? My son is in 3rd grade and he is more mathematically rational (and better groomed) than over 95% of the Kos crowd.
If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you’re still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you’re interesting doesn’t mean we won’t enjoy your story.
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
John Edwards had a cancer scare once, but his mammogram came back negative.
Bonus Fact from Jim:
When John Edwards was in college, a group decided to put on an all-male production of “Sweet Charity.”
Yes…John Edwards ran around wearing fish-nets, slit skirt, floozy blouse with a bra showing, a blonde wig, and garish make-up.
No…he wasn’t part of the production.
Chuck for Huck
Chuck Norris has endorsed Mike Huckabee for President. Could this lead to a battle between Fred Thompson and Chuck Norris? Let’s hope not for the sake of the universe which would surely be destroyed in the crossfire.
And if I were to actually consider Huck, I’d have to know what his stance is on combating monkey political assassinations. Fred Thompson position on that issue is that we must do a preemptive strike on the monkeys, killing them all before they can even think of killing us. He’s also specifies that monkeys should be killed in the most painful way possible, such as dropping them in acid or repeated stabbing to the stomach. Will Huckabee take that strong a stance? And, for that matter, how many monkeys has Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the head?
Socks: “Hillary Left Me For Dead”
WASHINGTON (AP) After nearly seven years of silence, former First Cat Socks is appearing before the media with horror stories of what it was like to live with the Clintons, including his harrowing escape from death after his owners left the White House.
Currently living in hiding with former Bill Clinton secretary Bettie Currie, Socks – now 16 – gave an interview to the London Times.
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“At first I really liked Hillary,” Socks said. “she was cold, calculating, and utterly indifferent to the feelings of others. She was like a soulmate to me. But then she changed. Every time she was angry at Bill, she took it out on me. I’ve taken to wearing my fur long just so that I can lick it over the scars from all the flying lamps.”
Some speculate that acquiring a cat was just a political move on Hillary’s part to soften her shrewish image. Socks concurs. “When the cameras were on, it was all cream & tuna, plenty of scratching behind the ears, nuzzling, cooing… she’d fuss over me like I was a Chinese campaign donor. But behind closed doors, nothing but screaming and spray bottles. And they weren’t always filled with water, either. I used to think that ‘piss & vinegar’ was just a figure of speech. Now I know better.”
Socks assumed that once his tenure as a “personality prop” ended with the Bush inauguration, he’d be set for life. “Sure, I was abused a lot, but I figured that it was just the stress of having such a high public profile. Once we were out of the White House, I thought she’d HAVE to lay off me. Maybe start beating on that professional puddle-maker, Buddy.”
His prediction was frighteningly wrong.
“About a week after we left,” said Socks, chain-smoking and looking around the room nervously, “I found out that Buddy had an ‘accident’. ‘Ran into the road’ they said. My ass! Buddy was deathly afraid of ANY loud noise. Piddled himself during every thunderstorm. Never seen him get within a hundred feet of traffic without sprinkling the lawn in terror. He HAD to have been pushed.”
“As for me, yeah, well, I was a little nervous after that.”
His anxiety turned out to be justified.
“About 2 weeks after that, Hillary put me in the car. Said we were going to the park to ‘chase some chipmunks’. Sounded like fun. Until I saw the sign that said Fort Marcy Park. I just KNEW at that point she was going to ‘Foster‘ me.”
“As soon as she opened the car door,” said Socks, his voice starting to crack as he recollected the trauma, “I gave her four sharp ones across the nose and just started running. I never looked back. I heard a couple gunshots and my tail felt like it was on fire. She winged me a good one. So much blood. Broke the 12th and 13th caudal vertebrae, but it wasn’t life-threatening. She searched around for a while, but she must’ve seen the blood & figured I was dead.”
“I hid in the park for a couple days,” continued Socks, “then made my way to Bettie’s house. I always liked her. Seemed like she always had a couple ounces of some primo green leafy on her. I heard she grew the stuff in her back yard. Never had a better catnip connection. Anyway, she took me in and we’ve been together ever since.”
Some believe that Socks brought the trouble on himself, but he denies the rumors. “Yeah, I may have crapped in her shoes once, but that was just payback for the time when she found me playing with a pair of Monica’s panties and tasered me.”
“As for the ‘pillow-peeing incidents’,” Socks concluded, “that was absolutely Bill. He’d wet-head the bitch in her sleep every time she wouldn’t give him some and then blame it on me.”
Understanding
Do you think that terrorists ever try and understand the terrorized? Do they ask questions like: “Why don’t they want us to kill them?” Do they ever wonder why the West values its wealth, power, civility, hygiene, morality, culture, and happiness over the Islamic extremists’… um… whatever it is they possibly think they have to offer?
Frankly, I hope the terrorists don’t understand us, because know who understands the terrorists best? Our military; that’s why our troops are so good at killing them.
Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week Gets Less Offensive Name
If you’ve been reading Michelle Malkin’s blog then you know that David Horowitz has caused a stir because of his Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week.
IMAO has the latest news (take THAT Michelle Malkin) and is the first to report the RENAMING of the week to better appease liberal dogma.
(New poster below the fold)
Continue reading ‘Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week Gets Less Offensive Name’ »