SLINGBLADE

1: TV Announcer: Coming this Winter to NBC:

2: Carl: Mhmmhm I reckon I aint got no questions for this here witness, he seems kinda funny queer not funny haha

3 Announcer: Slingblade: Attorney At Law, Carl Childers is out of the nervous hospital.

4 Carl: You like the way I talk?

5 Boy: yassir

6 Carl: I like the way you talk.

7 Boy: That's good..I think.

8 Carl: Mmmhmm, then I reckon you got yourself a legal council.

9 TV Announcer: Carl Childers has gotten his law degree

10 Carl: Some folks call it a lawyer, I call it a legal council

11 TV Announcer: He's going to stand up for the little feller.

12 Carl : Little feller, little feller.
[sfx crowd sounds]
13 Judge: Order ORDER [sfx gavel] in this courtroom! He'll be tried as an adult

14 Carl: Mmmmhmm, I recon I object, Judge, he's just a boy, not much bigger'n a squirrel.

15 Judge: Counselor Childers, have you even read the the relevant legal code?

16 Carl: Mhhhm, I read it and I understand some of it. And Some of t I understand is don't treat a little feller like a big feller just cause somebody somwheres says he lopped off somebodies head with a jungle knife. Some folks call it a machete, I call it a jungle knife.

17 Judge: Very compelling , this trial will bemoved to juvenile court [sfx gavel]

18 Announcer: This winter you'll want to grab some biscuits and mustard, maybe some potted meat and sody crackers and watch SlingBlade attorney at law.

19: Carl: Mmmhm i'll have me some of them biscuits and mustard too, I reckon. MOnkey: your closing line. Hmmm. Biscuits with butter. Can I borrow your knife?

PROPOSITION 75

1 Announcer: RWD . The following is a paid political endorsement.

2 The SarahK. Arnold wants us to vote for proposition 75.

3 Monkey: Would that be a bad thing.

4 SarahK: Well, of course it would. Didn’t you know?

5 Monkey: Know what?

6 Sarah: Arnold Schwarzenegger is a Ree-Pub-Lican

7 Monkey: (shocked) No!

8 SarahK Yes, he’s one of THEM!

9 Monkey: Who?

10 SarahK: Republicans. Did you know --- President BUSH , is a republican.

11 Monkey! No! That’s awful. They take office just because a majority of people voted for them! We should vote no on Prop 75. If people like the governor and the president are republican then their plans must be evil.

12 SarahK Of course they are. That’s why I’m voting no on Prop 75.

13 Announcer.(RWD) Vote no on prop 75. This ad was a paid political endorsement for the people opposed to proposition 75. other funny stuff to follow.

14 Monkey: (still in shock) Wow, republicans!

A VERY BRADY SURVIVOR

1) Announcer/Harvey: All new - CBS tonight, on a very special episode of "A Very Brady Survivor"... Greg loses his cool:

2) Greg/Tony: Nine people! There's NINE people living in this house, and there's only ONE bathroom! That is SO not groovy!

3) Announcer/Harvey: Alice tries to prove her value to the tribe:

4) Alice/Frank [I know Sarah usually does girl parts, but Alice is kinda butch. Just do a woman-ish-sounding voice]: I couldn't find any roots or berries, so I just cooked Tiger instead.

5) Announcer/Harvey: During the immunity challenge, tragedy befalls Marcia:

6) Marcia/Sarah: [football-hitting-nose sound effect] Oh! My nose!

7) Announcer/Harvey: And at tribal council, Jan commits a shocking betrayal of trust:

Jan/Sarah: Every tribal council, all I hear is how great Marcia is at this or how wonderful Marcia did that!... Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!... THAT'S who I'm voting off!

9) Announcer/Harvey: Don't miss - A Very Brady Survivor.

LEXIPODCAST

1 LAIR: "This is lexipodcast, the podcast for lexicon lovers."
(crash of xylophone) (crash of xylophone)

2 LAIR: "The lexipodcast word for today is moonbat."
(goes into rambling history of moonbat, pulls random historical references, etc.)

3 LAIR: "That's lexipodcast for today. I'm Laurence Simon."
(pause)

4 DUCKY: What happened to "Now go to bed?"

5 LAIR: Um.... er.... um... (babbling)

6 KEVIN: In my legal opinion, I think he's going buggo.

7 LAIR: "No! No! No more crappy bedtime stories! Oh GOOOOOOOD can't a man put his past behind him? I mean, Jesse Jackson ran a FREAKING ARMED TERROR GANG in Chicago to fund Operation Breadbasket, and you don't see him in jail next to his brother Noah Robinson? Can't we just get over it? Leave the past buried! Never again! AUUUUUUUUGGGGH!"

8 HARVEY: Great. Now he's ripping off podictionary AND Howard Dean.

9 LAIR: AUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!

10 FRANK J: I think we're going to need another Jew. This one's broken.

11 SPACEMONKEY: (thinking effect tone) What if I break? What if after all these times, it's truly the end of Spacemonkey? Will they toss me in the trashbin like Laurence and replace me with another Southerner?

12 SARAH K: Of course not. We love you.

13 SPACEMONKEY: Wait... how did you hear my thoughts?

14 SARAH K: I heard them when I was taking your lines and adding that thinky-echo effect to them.

15 SPACEMONKEY: Oh. Okay.

16 LAIR: AUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!

BERKELEY LAW.

1 Announcer/Harvey: In Berkeley California, a group of hotshot, socially aware lawyers fight for what they believe is right. But can they handle the tough issues in the courtroom?

2 Lawyer/frank: I'm sorry I"m late your honor. I had to go to the bathroom and could decide if I should use the men's room or the ladies'.

3 Judge/SarahK. I understand. The original owners of the building were very traditional and had very limiting views on sex.

4 Lawyer: Frank/ Sometimes I'm just never sure. I don't feel I should limit myself.

5 Announcer: CAn they handle the law as it's practiced in the fast frenzied land of Berkeley!!?

6 Lawyer/Frank: Your honor, my client is innocent.

7 Defense lawyer/ Phil: Objection your honor. We have him on tape, he pulled a woman out of an SUV, set it on fire, and tossed a stuffed figure of President Bush. We have all of it on film.

8 Lawyer/Frank: Your honor, doesn't my client have a right to free speech?

9 Judge/Sarah: But an SUV?

10 fRank: YOur honor, it was a hummer. Just like Governor Scharzenegger's.

11 Judge//sarahk. Objection overruled. Hummers are evil and aren't protected by law. I Hybrid - I could understand.

12 Announcer/ Harvey: Can they handle the issues outside of the courtroom?

(*Note- this next segment should be voiced by the same person with slightly different voices)

(All Frank J voicings....)

13 Guy 1. Would you like to go out with me.

14 Guy 2. I can't I'm gay.

15 Guy 1. But I'm gay too.

16 Guy 2. Actually, I'm double gay, meaning that I'm a gay man who secretly loves women.

17 Guy 1. I can respect our differences.

18 Announcer/Harvey: A show about more than just the law. A show about real life, with real people, and real acting. Berkeley Law.

CSI

1 Detective/Frank: So it looks like our victim was clubbed to death.

2 Detective2/Ducky: There's a dead baby seal next to him. Looks like someone clubbed the seal and then clubbed him. But why leave the seal behind?

3 Detective/Frank: Take another look; that's human blood on the seal. And what does the blood splatter match [mean?...ed.]?

4 Detective2/Ducky: That the seal was... used as a weapon?

5 Detective/Frank: Looks like the seal...

(Pause ala Horatio from CSI: Miami)

...clubbed him.

6 Announcer/Harvey: CSI: Nome, Alaska, Tuesdays on CBS after CSI: Fargo.

7 Fargo Detective/Sarah: Ah, not another one in the woodchipper! Someone fetch me a thousand little evidence bags.

8 Announcer/Harvey: And followed by CSI: Boise.

9 Boise Detective1/Spacemonkey: (as hick as possible) Looks like this guy done got himself shot.

10 Boise Detective2/Frank: Yep.

11 Announcer/Harvey: and stay tuned for a very special,special. CSI:CSI

12 Detective/Harvey: I'm looking at this script and I think I've figured it out.

13 Detective/Monkey: What do you think.

14 Det/Harvey: I think this plot commited suicide.

15 Det/Monkey: Or maybe, someone WANTED us to think that.

HAIL TO THE HOTTIE

1 Announcer/Frank: Vice President Bambi assumed control of the white house when it was discovered that President Rodriguez was an illegal alien.

2 Rodriguez/Tony: RWD. What does race matter. It’s not like I’m Republican. When you’re a Democrat – you can over look anything right? Right? No. No.

3 Announcer/Frank: So President Bambi had to assume leadership and learn to handle the hot issues of the day.

4 Aid/Harvey: Madam President: The right wing press has been really hard on you for your pro-illegal immigration stance.

5 President Bambi/SarahK: I don’t care. They deported our president! That is so wrong. Don’t people understand that when our nation deports illegal aliens then we become just like - every - other - country on the planet.

6 Aid/Harvey: It’s not all bad. They're calling you “President Hottie.”

7 President Bambi/SarahK (Testily) That is so not necessary. I’m a good president even THOUGH I’m incredibly beautiful. (Like she’s giving a speech) I’d be just as good a president even if I had a cheating philandering husband and thighs the size of Redwood tree trunks.

(SFX door bursting open)

8 Oldman/Phil. Madam president. The world pollution conference is waiting to see what the United States does. You’re not going to sell out to those environmental wackos are you?

9 President Bambi/SarahK: I’ll do what I want Speaker of the House crusty old man. I mean oldman. I’ll shut down every single oil refinery in this country if that’s what it takes to take care of our planet.

10 Oldman/Phil: Do you know how many jobs that would cost? How many lives that would affect? How expensive that would make gasoline?

11 President Bambi/SarahK: People WANT to do the right thing. They’d be happy knowing the earth is much better off. Not EVERYONE worries about feeding their families. Some people aren’t so SELFISH!!

12 Aid/Harvey: So true, Madame President, we need to leave soon..

13 President Bambi/SarahK : (perkily) Wonderful. I assume that we’ll be taking Air Force one?

14 Aid/Harvey: Madam President. (beat) It’s only 5 miles away.

15 President Bambi/SarahK: But riding in the limo is just so cramped. There’s no room for all of my hair spray.

16 Aid/Harvey: Madam President. May I remind you that this is a World Pollution conference. You can’t show up in Air Force one. It burns thousands of gallons of fuel.

17 President Bambi/SarahK: Pouting. But I wanted it.

18 TV newsman/ Frank . This is WCCC news. President Bambi shocked the World Pollution conference when she showed up in Air Force One .visitors were surprised because they’d never seen an airplane land on the Washington Mall. (beat) After some hesitation, she received a standing ovation as a welcome.

19 Aid/Harvey: You had a great day today Madam President. That was a great speech. I can’t believe you pulled it off. I thought we were goners when we landed Air Force One on the Great Mall. . (beat) Especially when we wiped out that school bus.

20 President Bambi/SarahK (giggling. Those little kids sure can run. Of course I can pull it off. I’m the President. I CARE about people and they know that about me. Sure they were upset at first, but then they saw that the plane had a bumper sticker. Here, have one.

21 Aid/Harvey: Save the planet. GREAT idea. Put that on any vehicle and you can mow down wildlife.

22 Announcer/Frank: Hail to the Hottie. On ABC.

SLING BLADE: ATTORNEY AT LAW

[NOTE: I didn't see any part assignments for this one, but I took the liberty of taking the announcer lines, since I seem to be typecast for that part ]

1 TV Announcer/Harvey: Coming this Winter to NBC:

2 Carl: Mhmmhm I reckon I aint got no questions for this here witness, he seems kinda funny queer not funny haha

3 Announcer/Harvey: Slingblade: Attorney At Law, Carl Childers is out of the nervous hospital.

4 Carl: You like the way I talk?

5 Boy: yassir

6 Carl: I like the way you talk.

7 Boy: That's good..I think.

8 Carl: Mmmhmm, then I reckon you got yourself a legal council.

9 TV Announcer/Harvey: Carl Childers has gotten his law degree

10 Carl: Some folks call it a lawyer, I call it a legal council

11 TV Announcer/Harvey: He's going to stand up for the little feller.

12 Carl : Little feller, little feller.
[sfx crowd sounds]
13 Judge: Order ORDER [sfx gavel] in this courtroom! He'll be tried as an adult

14 Carl: Mmmmhmm, I recon I object, Judge, he's just a boy, not much bigger'n a squirrel.

15 Judge: Counselor Childers, have you even read the the relevant legal code?

16 Carl: Mhhhm, I read it and I understand some of it. And Some of t I understand is don't treat a little feller like a big feller just cause somebody somwheres says he lopped off somebodies head with a jungle knife. Some folks call it a machete, I call it a jungle knife.

17 Judge: Very compelling , this trial will bemoved to juvenile court [sfx gavel]

18 Announcer/Harvey: This winter you'll want to grab some biscuits and mustard, maybe some potted meat and sody crackers and watch SlingBlade attorney at law.

19: Carl: Mmmhm i'll have me some of them biscuits and mustard too, I reckon.

ALTERNATE 19 (per Ducky) - Carl: Hmmm. Biscuits with butter. Can I borrow your knife?

[which brings up the question of whether the biscuits are with mustard or butter? If it's butter, I'll have to re-do line #18]

Happy Veteran's Day (which also is the birthday of my brother, returning veteran Sgt. Joe foo' the Marine). Before I told you about Joe Lowe, one of my brother's friends from the Marines who was paralyzed by an attack on his tank which wounded other Idaho Marines. Today, you can read the story of Sgt. Luke Miller, also a Boise Marine and friend of my brother, who helped rescue those injured in the attack. The full story is here and a video clip of an interview with him is here.

He risked his life to help his fellow Marines, and yesterday he was honored in D.C. with the Military Vanguard Award, bestowed annually upon one member of each branch of the military.

Today is a day to remember the America's heroes, both those living and those who have sacrificed for this country and for the freedom of others.