Posts By Harvey

October 29, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 09:36 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) You get hit in the face with squirting water when you ring Krusty's doorbell

2) Who does Lisa describe as "The few, the proud, the geeky"?

3) What is the name of Springfield's video arcade?

4) What is Capital City's nickname?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

October 28, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 10:34 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Bart dresses up as Batman for the "Close Encounters of the Comic Book Kind" convention

2) Bart chips in and buys a Radioactive Man comic book with who?

3) What is Miss Hoover's first name?

4) What is the name of the Olmec Indian God of War statue that Burns gives the Simpsons?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

October 27, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 11:02 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) Who has the largest collection of Malibu Stacy dolls?

2) In "Marge in Chains", what product is a tanning lotion and a laxative in one?

3) In "Krusty Gets Cancelled", who makes a 19th century carousel out of balloons?

4) Who are Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

October 26, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:52 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) What personal possession does Bart feel brings him good luck?

2) What kind of factory is next door to where the Krusty the Clown show is taped?

3) What is the name of the studio where Krusty's show is taped?

4) Where did Milhouse's dad work before he was fired?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (7)

October 25, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:09 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) What does Krusty's dad do for a living?

2) What famous singer helps get Bart out of the well?

3) In "The Otto Show", whose concert does Bart attend?

4) Whose concert does Homer sneak backstage during, pretending to be the potato man?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

October 24, 2006

Fun Facts About Oklahoma

Posted by Harvey at 05:02 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

While the IMAO podcast HAS returned in sporadic fashion, I'm still going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule. Figure by the time it shows up in a podcast, you'll have forgotten all the jokes anyway.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More »

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be visiting the state where, when a man says "mine's bigger", he's talking about his belt buckle, because we're headed to Oklahoma. So let's get started...

Oklahoma was admitted to the union as the 46th state on November 16th, 1907, in order to fill a diversity quota for states that vaguely resemble cookware.

The state flower of Oklahoma is mistletoe. Its berries are deadly poisonous, which is convenient since there's really nothing to live for in Oklahoma, anyway.

Oklahoma's name comes from the Choctaw Indian word "oka-oma", which means "mobile home destroyed by tornado".

The state song of Oklahoma is, as you would expect, the title song from the musical "Oklahoma". Which doesn't make the residents of the state gay. Unless they actually LIKE the song.

The world's first parking meter was installed in Oklahoma City, and was seen as a reasonable alternative to the previous method of controlling parking time - throwing a dead skunk on the hood of the vehicle after 30 minutes.

Although most residents of Vinita, Oklahoma, were pleased to become the first city in the state to receive electricity in 1871, city hall was soon inundated by complaints from citizens who were unable to make their VCR's stop blinking "12:00".

Oklahoma City has an operating oil well on its capitol grounds. Despite numerous attempts to have it removed, Mr. Clampett firmly refuses to sell.

Duncan, Oklahoma is home to a life-size statue of a cattle drive, titled, "I Crap Bigger Than You".

Boise City, Oklahoma was the only city in the US to be bombed during World War II. In 1943, a US B-17 bomber dropped 6 practice bombs on the town as a warning to other cities that were still selling sauerkraut instead of "Liberty Cabbage".

Okmulgee, Oklahoma holds the record for the world's largest pecan pie. It was 60 feet in diameter, and contained over 300,000 pecans, as well as a dozen squirrels who didn't get out of the nut bin in time.

The state motto of Oklahoma is "labor omnia vincit", which means "my brother was an extra in 'Twister'".

Oklahoma residents are known as "Sooners", after the disreputable people who made homestead claims prior to the official start time of noon on April 22nd, 1889. Personally, I don't like the nickname because it makes light of a serious offense. It's like referring to terrorists who blow up children as "baby boomers".

The National Cowboy Hall of Fame is located in Oklahoma City. Whaddya wanna be that Terrell Owens throws a fit because they won't induct him?

Every April, the city of Beaver, Oklahoma, holds the World Championship Cow Chip Throw. It's the one time of year where the phrase "You wanna watch me fling poo?" actually works as a pick-up line.

Sylvan Goldman of Oklahoma City invented the modern shopping cart, enabling the homeless to at last to transport their worldly goods without the use of Sherpas.

Jenks, Oklahoma, is home to more antique stores than any other city, and has more useless, outdated, unworkable items than a Democractic Party platform.

The first capital city of Oklahoma was Guthrie, but it was later moved to Oklahoma City, since no one wanted their state to be associated with a crappy folk singer.

I mean, "You can get anything you want blah, blah, blah" over and over and over. Doesn't that song ever freakin' END?

At over a mile in length, Oklahoma's Pensacola Dam is the world's largest multiple arch dam. In case of leaks, there are emergency repair kits every 1000 feet containing a sponge and a roll of duct tape.

Bob Dunn of Beggs, Oklahoma, invented the world's first electric guitar in 1935, about the same time that his mother coined the phrase "turn that crap down!".

At 287 feet above sea level, Little River, Oklahoma is the lowest point in the state and is reputed to be one of the many low places where Oklahoma native Garth Brooks has friends.

Oklahoma City's WKY was the first radio station to broadcast west of the Mississippi. It's first transmission was "HELP! TORNADO!".

The National Lighter Museum in Guthrie, Oklahoma, contains over 20,000 lighters, the largest collection outside of a Rolling Stones concert.

Oklahoma was the setting for the movie Twister, which proved to be very difficult to shoot, since other tornadoes kept sneaking onto the set and holding up "Hi Mom!" signs.

Antlers, Oklahoma now bills itself as "The Deer Capital of the World" after recieving too many complaints about its previous nickname of "The World's Horniest City".

Oklahoma is one of only two states whose capital cities include the name of the state. The other is New York.

Why yes, I *did* fail geography in high school. How did you know?

The first YIELD sign was installed in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and was generally considered an improvement over the earlier version which simply said "Prepare For Impact".

Oklahoma has more man-made lakes than any other state, most of which are a result of a lack of duct tape at the Pensacola Dam.

Humorist Will Rogers was born in Oologah, Oklahoma, and is best known for his saying, "I never met a man I didn't like". Please note that he died before Michael Moore was born.

Durant, Oklahoma is home to "the world's largest peanut" - a 3-footer. After being informed that Georgia had a 6-foot peanut, Oklahoma renamed theirs "the world's largest peanut - after taxes".

Oklahoma was featured in the book, "The Grapes of Wrath", as well as the sequel, "The Raisins of Petulance".

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That wraps up the Oklahoma edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be helping the border patrol beat up on hippies sneaking north from California as we visit Oregon.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go fling some poo. Anyone wanna watch?

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Comments (9)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:10 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) Chief Wiggum's two right-hand officers are who?

2) When Bart sends Mrs. Krabappel a love letter, he includes a picture of who?

3) What is the name of Nelson's soapbox racer?

4) Millicent is Lisa's riding instructor at what equestrian establishment?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (6)

October 23, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:16 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) Who is the news anchorman in Springfield?

2) What kind of car does Ned Flanders own?

3) In the corner of the Simpson's kitchen, there's a cookie jar shaped like what?

4) What is the name of the fancy restaurant often visited by the Simpsons?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

October 22, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 01:52 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) The Simpsons recreational vehicle falls off a cliff?

2) Why did Homer want to buy a recreational vehicle so badly?

3) When the Simpsons go camping, what do Marge and Lisa discuss as they build camp?

4) If it weren't for Jebediah Springfield, the early settlers would've died in what?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

October 21, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:46 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Sideshow Mel is Krusty's current sidekick

2) Which Simpsons character laughs at totally inappropriate times?

3) Who has been seen eating Chef Lonelyhearts Soup For One?

4) Who did Krusty once present an Emmy to?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (7)

October 20, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:35 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) In "Homer's Night Out", Bart is impatiently waiting for a spy camera to come in the mail

2) What is the name of the Springfield bowling alley?

3) According to Rev. Lovejoy, what is the 8th Deadly Sin?

4) What is the name of the restaurant where Homer dances with Princess Kashmir?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

October 19, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:23 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Prof. Wrongway is the nutty professor on the Simpsons

2) On what street is Moe's Tavern located?

3) Which Simpsons character has a doctorate in Computer Science?

4) What is Krusty's real middle name?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (6)

October 18, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:52 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) What is Agnes Skinner's nickname for Seymour?

2) When Bart goes to France, what is the name of the mule on the farm where he stays?

3) According to Homer, why did he have his name engraved in a bowling ball he bought for Marge?

4) In "The Grapes of Wrath", Bart is happy to find what while cleaning his room?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (10)

October 17, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:22 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) Who once pretended to be Apu's wife?

2) What is the name of Apu's brother?

3) What was wrong with the elf named Chilly in "The Happy Little Elves"?

4) In "Some Enchanted Evening", what motel do Homer and Marge visit?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (2)

October 16, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:13 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Marge's mother is named Jacqueline Bouvier

2) Where does Grampa Simpson live?

3) Who died and left Abe Simpson a fortune?

4) Who was Marge's art teacher at Springfield Community College?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

October 15, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:53 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) What is the alien Kodos' military rank?

2) (T/F) The Shelbyville version of Milhouse is also named Milhouse

3) Who is the fictional voice actress that does the voices of Itchy & Scratchy?

4) What is the name of Sideshow Mel's significant other?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (2)

October 14, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:19 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Principal Skinner's mom is named Agnes

2) Who dates Principal Skinner's mom?

3) What Springfield location is a place where logic takes a holiday and the laws of nature are meaningless?

4) Who is the Springfield School District psychiatrist?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (6)

October 13, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:03 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) What old man is Abe's best friend?

2) Where are the kids going when the bus crashes into the ocean and they get stranded on an island?

3) Who tells Ralph Wiggum to burn things?

4) Who is the flower cart girl that Moe falls in love with?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

October 12, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:39 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) What stuffed animal does Mr. Burns have in his office?

2) Who usually wears suspenders at the power plant?

3) What platoon was Abe Simpson in charge of during WWII?

4) What Springfield fast-food restaurant is named after a famous writer?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (9)

October 11, 2006

Fun Facts About Ohio

Posted by Harvey at 09:53 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

While the IMAO podcast HAS returned, I'm still going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule. Figure by the time it shows up in a podcast, you'll have forgotten all the jokes anyway.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, the natives will be tricking us into believing that buckeyes actually come from the annual shedding of the male deer's eyeballs as we visit Ohio. So let's get started...

Ohio became the 17th state on March 1, 1803 and was originally populated by people who were improperly whacked by the Detroit mob and dumped into Lake Erie.

The state flower of Ohio is the Scarlet Carnation, more popularly known as the flower that cheapskates buy for their ladies instead of roses.

The first ambulance service in the US was started in Cincinnati, Ohio, in 1865 as a method of promoting physical fitness among lawyers.

Cleveland, Ohio is home to America's first traffic light. The idea was borrowed from the French "war light", whose green, red, and yellow signals told French citizens whether to flee, surrender, or collaborate.

Ermal Fraze invented the pop-top can in Kettering, Ohio, which replaced the older, less reliable method of opening cans - outraging a Muslim into suicide-bombing it open for you.

Singer Dean Martin was born in Steubenville, Ohio, and was the last non-Frenchman to sincerely believe that Jerry Lewis was funny.

The cash register was invented in Dayton, Ohio in 1879 by James Ritty. The first model consisted of a locking drawer attached to his wife's cleavage.

"Hang On Sloopy" is the official state rock song of Ohio, which narrowly beat out "Smack My Bitch Up".

Although Ohio's state nickname is the "Buckeye State", long-time residents still prefer the previous nickname of the "Big Red Dangling Nuts State".

Ohio's name comes from an Iroquois Indian word meaning "Lake Erie's on fire again".

Founded in 1869, the Cincinnati Reds were the first professional baseball team. The second professional team wasn't created until 1870, which may explain why the Reds won their first 130 games by forfeit.

Akron, Ohio was the first city to use police cars. Coincidentally, it was also the first city with a donut shop.

Cincinnati was the first city with a full-time professional fire department, originally consisting of 25 Dalmations with bladder-control problems.

Akron, Ohio is the rubber capital of the world, annually producing enough of the material to supply rubber chickens to every crappy prop comic on earth. Or to supply one Carrot Top show.

The American Federation of Labor union was founded in Columbus, Ohio. It offers all the high-quality corrupt thuggery you've come to expect from East Coast unions, but with a pleasant mid-western accent.

At the age of 77, Ohio senator John Glenn became the oldest man to visit outer space aboard the space shuttle Discovery. The ship was grounded for six months afterwards while crews worked around the clock to get the "old person smell" out of it.

Cleveland, Ohio, is the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which is located across the street from the Alcohol and Drug Abuse Museum.

Ohio is the nation's leading producer of greenhouse and nursery plants. None of which are marijuana. And no, I don't know where you can get any. Now get away from me, you stupid hippy!

Canton, Ohio, is home to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. There's no doubt in my mind that Terrell Owens will make it in there someday - if he stops at the front counter and pays for an adult admission ticket.

Neil Armstrong was born in Wapakoneta, Ohio, and became the first man to walk on the moon. The second man to walk on the moon... eh... who cares about THAT loser!

Born in Dayton, Ohio, the Wright Brothers invented the airplane in 1903. Their accomplishment was was largely ignored until they invented the scantily-clad stewardess in 1905.

Americans have elected seven presidents from the state of Ohio. If we elect three more, we'll get a coupon for a free Speaker of the House.

The hot dog was given its name by concessionaire Harry Stevens of Niles, Ohio, after discovering that people weren't interested in buying his "snouts & sawdust sausages".

50% of the United States population lives within a 500 mile radius of Columbus, Ohio. The other 50% lives with a profound sense of relief.

Charles Kettering of Loudonville, Ohio, invented the automobile self-starter in 1911, which was a huge improvement over the old method of grabbing the engine block while peeing on an electric fence.

Ohio's state flag is the only one of the 50 states' which is a penant shape, rather than rectangular. Sorta like that kid you went to school with who thought that being the only person with a mullet made him cool.

In 1839, Charles Goodyear of Akron, Ohio, developed the process of vulcanizing rubber. Prior to that time, rubber could neither live long nor prosper.

Teflon was invented by Roy Plunkett of New Carlisle, Ohio, in 1938 after he followed a recipe for homemade glue typed up by his dyslexic secretary.

Oberlin College was founded in 1833, with the goal of becoming the first interracial and coeducational college in the US. It took a lot of persuading to get people to part with perfectly good tuition money only to be forced to rub elbows with filthy Irishmen.

Civil War General and US President Ulysses S. Grant was born in Point Pleasant, Ohio. His only notable accomplishments were getting really drunk and killing people. Which means that if Ted Kennedy ever became president, we'd soon have a new portrait on the $50 bill.

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That wraps up the Ohio edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be wondering why the musical didn't mention tornadoes and trailer parks as we visit Oklahoma.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go find an electric fence so I can start my car.

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Comments (11)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:26 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) Who is Springfield's armed robber?

2) What do the Movementarians call the leader of their sect?

3) Who's the little kid that's always just about to throw up?

4) What two poor little orphans give the Simpsons their vitamin money?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

October 10, 2006

Guess the Quote

Posted by Harvey at 10:05 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

"It's a waste of energy away from things that do matter which is poverty, death, disease, the planet itself and fixing things in our own homes rather than fighting wars with others."

Is this:

A) A sane Imam exhorting his Muslim brethren to lay down their arms and follow a more civilized path.

or

B) Oliver Stone Bush-Bashing.

Click here for answer.

Read More »

The bit about "the planet itself" gave it away, didn't it?

[Hat tip: Gateway Pundit]

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Comments (8)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:06 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) What is the name of Krusty's monkey?

2) What did Dr. Marvin Monroe keep in his gun cabinet?

3) In "Bart the Fink", what kind of bank checks does Bart get?

4) Troy McClure says that as an actor, his eyeballs need to look what?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

October 09, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:49 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Ralph is Chief Wiggum's son.

2) Who owns the Springfield doorbell shop?

3) Homer goes into space with which real-life astronaut?

4) In "Das Bus", what bites Bart on the butt?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

October 08, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:05 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Bitey is the dog character added to the Itchy & Scratchy song

2) To Lisa's horror, Homer breaks the 8th commandment by stealing what?

3) From where do the Simpsons buy an RV?

4) Where did Marge and Homer first get married?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (2)

October 07, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:10 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Krusty the Clown's sidekick Sideshow Bob was sent to prison.

2) What song would Homer's mom sing him to sleep with?

3) What is Bart's middle name?

4) What is Kent Brockman's real name?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

October 06, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:15 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) What famous musician writes Marge and tells her that in England, French fries are called chips?

2) Who wants to create a film called "Get Your Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey"?

3) In "Principal Charming", where does Skinner buy an engagement ring for Patty?

4) In "Bart's Dog Gets an F", who is the neighbor that calls to complain about Santa's Little Helper?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

October 05, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:22 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) In 1998, TV Guide printed four different covers featuring the Simpsons

2) What real-life person said, "The nation needs to be closer to the Waltons than the Simpsons"?

3) What real-life boxing champion beats up Barney outside Moe's?

4) What real-life US city had Bart Simpson Day declared on January 26, 1993?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (2)

October 04, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:29 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) What is the name of the duck that works at the nuclear power plant?

2) What item does Homer name "Stitchface"?

3) When Apu is fired from the Kwik-E-Mart, who takes over for him?

4) What is the activity of the first Junior Camper's meeting Bart attends?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

October 03, 2006

Top Ten Results of North Korea's Nuclear Test

Posted by Harvey at 10:42 PM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

North Korea threatened to test a nuclear weapon. How will things be different afterwards?

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10) New record set for world's poofiest mushroom cloud.

9) Second nuclear test on North Korean soil, courtesy of an irritable Donald Rumsfeld.

8) Condi Rice has to drag out her Super-Diplomatic, Thigh-High, Black Leather Negotiating boots again.

7) Emptied missile silo now available for stowing political dissidents.

6) Grand opening of Disney Pyongyang - The Glowingest Place On Earth!

5) France thrilled by new opportunity to surrender.

4) Mark Foley's 15 minutes of fame abruptly cut short.

3) Kim Jong Il despondent upon discovering that radiation doesn't ACTUALLY give you super powers.

2) Bush's status as biggest threat to world peace miraculously unchanged among leftists.

1) North Korea forced to explain away yet another embarrassing Dong malfunction.

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Of course, it might not be a missle-based nuke. The could decide to just drop it out of the Enora Gay.

Comments (10)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:33 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Otto once poked Homer in the stomach and remarked he looked like Pop'N'Fresh.

2) In "Homer the Vigilante", we learn that instead of insurance, Homer bought what?

3) In "Treehouse of Horror IV", who wrote the forward to "Yes, I Am A Vampire"?

4) The words across the front of the Springfield museum say "Truth, Knowledge, and..." what?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (2)

October 02, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:55 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) In "Krusty Gets Busted", what physical feature of Sideshow Bob's gives him away?

2) When Homer becomes an executive at the power plant, who is his personal secretary?

3) Who provided the voice of the Babysitter Bandit?

4) What miracle medicine gives Homer a full head of hair?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (2)

October 01, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 09:57 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Ruth Powers is the single mom who lives next door to the Simpsons with her daughter Laura

2) Who breaks into the Simpson's house during the "All Singing, All Dancing" episode?

3) Who is Superintendent Chalmers' assistant?

4) Who helped Ned Flanders overcome his behavioral problems when Ned was a boy?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

September 30, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 09:19 AM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Knightboat is the TV hero that always solves crimes near bodies of water

2) For what album did Krusty get a gold record?

3) What was Krusty's Clown College before it became a college?

4) Homer and Marge have a deal - if her sisters stop coming over after six, he promises to stop doing what?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (2)

September 29, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:56 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Homer was once the manager of country-western singer Muddy Mae Suggins

2) Who accuses Homer of sexual harrassment?

3) Who are Springfield's local lion-tamers?

4) Who is the self-help guru who inspired the "Do What You Feel Festival"?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

September 28, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:24 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Maggie is left in The Pools of Pudding when the rest of the Simpsons explore Itchy & Scratchy Land

2) At Itchy & Scratchy Land, where can the adults go to get away from the kids?

3) Where did Marge want to visit instead of Itchy & Scratchy Land?

4) Whatever happened to Homer's co-worker, Mindy Simmons?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

September 27, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:17 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) Marge decides to go into business selling what snack treat?

2) While watching "Paint Your Wagon", Marge says she didn't know Lee Marvin could do what?

3) In "War of the Simpsons", what is the name of the giant catfish?

4) In Fleet-A-Pita speak, what is Tahini?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

September 26, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:15 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) One "Treehouse of Horror" story was written by Edgar Allan Poe

2) What does Mayor Quimby declare the funnest day in the history of Springfield?

3) What is Mr. Burns' first name?

4) Mr. Burns ran for governor against who?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (7)

September 25, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:15 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Lisa once offered up this dinner prayer, "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub"

2) When the Simpsons go camping, where does Maggie spend her first night?

3) In "Moaning Lisa", what is the name of the toothpaste Lisa brushes with?

4) Why didn't Bleeding Gums Murphy ever go to a dentist?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (2)

September 24, 2006

Fun Facts About North Dakota

Posted by Harvey at 02:41 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be picking Canadian coins out of our pocket change and tossing them into fountains to make 89% of our wishes come true as we visit North Dakota. So let's get started...

North Dakota became the 39th state on November 2, 1889. It was originally settled by Canadians searching for somewhere to live that wasn't cold and boring. The expedition was, of course, a miserable failure.

Westhope, North Dakota, is the state's busiest point of entry into Canada. Over 72,000 people per year cross the border there - mostly Hollywood types making good on their promises to leave the country after Bush was elected.

Dakota Gasification Co. of Beulah, North Dakota is the nation's only producer of "synthetic natural gas" - an oxymoron of a degree second only to "peaceful Muslim".

Writing Rock State Historical Site near Grenora, North Dakota, features two granite boulders with carvings of the mythological Thunderbird. Which is either an example of early Indian religion or a declaration of their love for cheap, fortified wine.

North Dakota got its name from the Sioux Indian word "Da-ko-ta", meaning "pasty white guys"

The town of Rugby, North Dakota, is the geographical center of the North American continent, which - for those of you with public school educations - is the one that's right above that ice-cream-cone-shaped continent.

In 1987, North Dakota passed a law making English the state's official language, as a direct snub to those who only speak Canadian.

"Whut's dat aboot, eh?" - I mean, who can understand THAT goofy monkey-jabber?

In 1989, North Dakota attempted to drop the word "North" from the state's name, seeking to become known simply as "Dakota". The bill was defeated after their neighbor to the south threatened to change its name to "Smart Dakota".

Max Taubert of Casselton, North Dakota built a 50-foot-tall pyramid out of empty oil cans. Experts are still debating whether Taubert was an artistic genius or just a lazy slob who couldn't remember that trash day was Tuesday.

Devil's Lake - the largest natural body of water in North Dakota - got it's name from a mistranslation of the Sioux Indian word "Miniwaukan", which actually means "Satan's Urinal".

The Dakota Dinosaur Museum in Dickinson, North Dakota, contains dozens of complete dinosaur skeltons and celebrates the North Dakota state recreational pastime of watching things slowly turn to stone.

Harvey, North Dakota... no relation

The largest state-owned sheep research center in the US is located in Hettinger, North Dakota, and specializes in trying to discover what it is about sheep that makes ordinary men suddenly unable to quit each other.

The original grave of Sioux Indian leader Sitting Bull can be found in Fort Yates, North Dakota. His last words before being killed in 1890 were "Me think-um white man not have guts to pull trigger".

Jamestown, North Dakota is home to the world's largest buffalo statue. It's 26 feet tall, weighs 60 tons and features a small plaque at its base that says "Yes, we KNOW it's actually a 'bison'. We don't care. Shut up."

North Dakota grows more sunflowers than any other state, which is why they were going to name their NFL expansion team the "Sunflowers". It's also why the last NFL expansion franchise was granted to Houston, instead.

The historic Opera House in Ellendale, North Dakota was shut down after 90 years of successful operation in 1999 when it made the regrettable decision to put on performances of the controversial musical, "The Pedophiles of Penzance".

A "flickertail" is a small ground squirrel native to North Dakota which gets its name from its characteristic manner of flicking its tail just before entering its burrow. Sorta like the way a Democrat flinches upon hearing good news out of Iraq.

North Dakota's biggest tourist attraction is the annual Killdeer Mountain Roundup Rodeo, which is the one time of year when residents can chase, tackle, and tie up animals for pleasure without running afoul of the state's beastiality laws.

Before becoming President, Teddy Roosevelt came to the Dakota territory in 1883 to hunt bison. He left in 1898 to fight in the Spanish-American War because he thought it would be more fun to hunt Spaniards.

Known as "The Small, Friendly German Town on the Dakota Prairie", New Leipzig, North Dakota, hosts an annual Oktoberfest celebration during which it invades and conquers the neighboring city of New Paris.

Every year, New Rockford, North Dakota hosts the Central North Dakota Steam Threshers Reunion, which features a variety of antique farm machinery, some of which is so old that it's actually been used to harvest non-government subsidized crops.

Fort Berthold Community College near New Town, North Dakota, was the first tribally chartered college in North Dakota and offers courses in casino operations and victim-card playing.

Rutland, North Dakota created the World's Largest Hamburger. Over nine thousand people came to sample the nearly two-ton burger, and all of them went home hungry, since Michael Moore was first in line.

Turtle Lake, North Dakota hosts the annual United States Turtle Racing Championship. The losers of the race compete again later in the day during the United States Turtle Soup Cook-off.

Bismark, North Dakota features a statue of Lewis & Clark's Indian guide Sacagewea. She's depicted gazing westward toward the country she helped open, while the baby strapped to her back is shown giving the finger eastward to the country that forced his mom to live on a reservation.

The Lewis & Clark expedition encountered hungry grizzly bears in North Dakota, which is also where they lost their first Indian guide, Snackagewea.

North Dakota's highest point, White Butte, features numerous small piles of rocks. Known as shepherder's monuments, they were piled there by sheepherders as a way to pass the time. Sorta like a primitive version of Microsoft Solitaire.

The International Peace Garden straddles the international boundary between North Dakota and the Canadian province of Manitoba. Like the peace movement itself, it's filled entirely with pansies.

The Fort Union Trading Post in North Dakota was the principal fur-trading site in the region from 1829 to 1867. It was one of the few places in the country where no one would raise an eyebrow upon hearing the phrase "I'm going into town to see if I can trade my beaver for a bottle of whiskey".

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That wraps up the North Dakota edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be shopping for discount Drew Carey glasses as we visit Ohio.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go head into town to see what I can get for this bottle of whiskey.

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Comments (10)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 01:58 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) Which famous statesman does Mayor Quimby sound like?

2) What does Ned Flanders sell over the internet?

3) Who said, "Homer is a brutally honest man, completely tactless and insensitive"?

4) What job did the Crazy Old Man have when he was young?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

September 23, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:41 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) In "Bart the General", what does Abe tell Bart he can't do to his soldiers?

2) Why did Homer once pawn the family TV set?

3) In one of his nightmares Bart dies, and Nelson does what to him at the funeral?

4) In "There's No Disgrace Like Home", Homer learns that the answers to his life's problems are found where?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

September 22, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 06:57 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Snake often says, "Excellent!" when things are going his way

2) What does Martin Prince always have in his breast pocket?

3) What college does Lisa fear she may end up at?

4) According to Bart, how is Homer like Thomas Edison?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

September 21, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:22 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) Who thinks it is "unpossible" that he'd fail English?

2) In "Homer Alone", where does Marge go to get away from it all?

3) (T/F) Baby photographer and airline steward are two of the jobs Marge's dad once had

4) Marge once worked as a carhop at which burger stand?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

September 20, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:09 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Trunkmeister was Bart's elephant's name

2) What was Bart's collie dog's name?

3) In the year 2000, the Springfield Tire Yard celebrated what anniversary of its fire?

4) Who is Mr. Burn's rival at the Shelbyville Nuclear Power Plant?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (2)

September 19, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:53 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Hydro Land is the name of Springfield's water park

2) Which band played at Marge and Homer's senior prom?

3) What kind of beer does Homer drink when he visits the Happy Sumo restaurant?

4) Bart gets hit by what year and make of car?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

This Job Would Be Easier If Iraqi Houses Had Doorbells

Posted by Harvey at 07:49 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Iraqi police guard precious shipments of Avon beauty products during delivery to the newly de-burqafied women of Iraq.

[Hat tip to CENTCOM for the pic]

Comments (7)

September 18, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:53 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) What is Chief Wiggum's first name?

2) In "Bart of Darkness", what does Bart break?

3) Who presents the barbershop quartet, the Be Sharps, with their Grammy?

4) In "Bart the Genius", what special new school is Bart sent to?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (2)

September 17, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 02:42 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Bart sells his soul for five dollars

2) When Marge becomes a cop, she arrests Homer for taking her what?

3) Who is the Shelbyville version of Bart?

4) When Bart sells his soul, what does he buy with the money?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (2)

September 16, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 04:22 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Patty got married to Sideshow Bob

2) Who falls in love with the new girl, Samantha Stanky?

3) Homer's half-brother Herb regains his fortune by inventing a machine that does what?

4) Who directed the musical "Streetcar", which featured Marge as Blanche?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

September 15, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 04:23 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Raspberry swirls are Homer's favorite kind of doughnuts

2) When Homer is trying to think un-sexy thoughts, he imagines who in a bikini?

3) In "Homerpalooza", Lisa says the outdoor concert smells like what?

4) In "Homerpalooza", who's been left at the veterinarians for a very long time?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

September 14, 2006

Man Enough To Admit When I'm Wrong

Posted by Harvey at 10:26 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

On June 30th, 2004, I predicted that Air America would be dead & gone by February of 2005. I was off by 19 months, and I apologize for my inaccuracy.

Nevertheless, I here re-publish the list of potential excuses Air America will use to explain its failure. We'll see if I'm at least right about these:

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* Contract with Satan guaranteeing Air America's success found invalid due to not being signed in blood.

* Al Franken's thick glasses kept accidentally setting the studio on fire.

* Randi Rhodes didn't talk about her nipples enough.

* Too much money wasted on salaries, not enought spent on bribes to Clear Channel executives.

* Rush Limbaugh depleted the nation's supply of Oxycontin, so not enough was available to make Air America's hosts witty and insightful.

* Digital brownshirts kept smashing people's radios

* Al Franken is Jewish, so Bushitler had him gassed.

* The fact that Al Franken is still alive does NOT disprove this theory.

* Air America staff constantly attacked by vicious hordes of rats and cockroaches, who, apparently, didn't appreciate the competition.

* The Air America signal simply wouldn't carry. Not surprising, since vibrations in the electomagnetic spectrum tend to vote Republican.

* Nobody was buying commerical spots. Even a NAMBLA spokesman was quoted as saying "we don't want our reputation soiled by these degenerates".

* Air America had to shut down because of the McCain-Feingold campaign finance laws, which expressly forbid such things as speaking in direct support of a candidate, or speaking at all if you're dumber than a bucket of monkey dung.

* Although Al Franken created a lot of great material, he would often flush the toilet before it could be retrieved.

---

So... which one do you think they'll use?

Comments (10)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 09:50 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) Who plans to become a jazz musician and have torrid love affairs when she grows up?

2) What is the name of the baseball bat Homer makes for himself?

3) Why did Mike Scioscia shoot Waylon Smithers?

4) In "Homer at the Bat", who falls into the Springfield Mystery Spot?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

September 13, 2006

Who Wants To Be A Progressive Talk Radio Star?

Posted by Harvey at 03:19 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

With the imminent demise of Air America - leaving thousands of radio-hours of dead air to fill - Clear Channel announces that it will be conducting a talent search to find new Loony Left radio talent.

So... coming soon to The Reality Show Network (which itself will be coming soon - please contact your cable service provider):

WHO WANTS TO BE A PROGRESSIVE TALK RADIO STAR?

In season one, contestants take their best shot at discussing the demise of Air America. Here are some highlights:

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Democrat Soldier - "Didn’t Rush Limbaugh have a television show that flopped harder and faster than Air America radio? Surely his being bad on TV makes liberals superior."

Denver Oasis - "I’m not a fan of Clear Channel, but their support shows a need in the market for the liberal format. They wouldn’t do it if they didn’t think they’d make a lot of money. I mean, look at how much they made with Air America!"

Craig - "The Repugnican Noise Machine is well-entrenched in radio. Look at Rush and Michael Savage and other hyenas of similar background. We lose the radio wars and it's just another method for the wing nuts to spew their venom without anyone to counter their distortions. Why can't those ass****s be polite & civilized, like liberals, instead of always resorting to petty name-calling?"

Badmoodman - "R.I.P., Air America. If it had been a right-wing network, this administration would have secretly funneled millions of dollars into it. You know... if they happened to do that sort of thing... if they weren't too busy reprogramming voting machines in Ohio or blowing up the WTC, which it's been proven was an inside job."

Lib4 - "Even though Air America may go under, Rethugs better not think that they are going to be any closer to victory in November. After all, without progressive talk radio around to showcase the unhinged radical left, the Democrats will appear this close to being sane."

Kenosha Marge - "This country needs to have a place for people too smart to listen to the right wing noise machine. Those who will dance in the streets and cheer the demise (premature) of Air America only show that they are not in favor of a free country where everyone has a right to speak and also to hear their kind of politics. Why are Conservatives so damn afraid of Air America? I mean, WE never complained about Rush Limbaugh!"

Len Smith - "Getting a left wing noise machine in place to counter the right’s is really the only hope we have in this country. It doesn’t matter how great our policies or candidates are if we don’t have the medium to get our message out. We not only need Air America, we need a liberal version of FOX News as well. You know, like CBS or NBC or ABC or CNN or MSNBC or PBS... except not crappy like them."

Trunary Suka - "Rush proves that talk radio is a very important medium. Too bad he became a drug addict. Besides, his hate-baiting style is going out the window, since Air America has already proven that it doesn't work for liberals. Oh, and Rush is fat and bald, too."

Facts Support My Position - "I can plainly remember Al Franken saying he had been on the air for 1 1/2 years, and had not been accused of lying. They've got a GREAT call screener at Air America!"

Brian - "Air America may not be doing well, but there is plenty of evidence that it’s not having problems with ratings. For example - this memo typed on a genuine IBM Selectric typewriter."

---

Yes, with talent like this, Progressive Talk Radio will soon be changing reaching dozens of listeners all across America.

You Rethugs better watch out!

[Author's note: for bonus amusement, click this link to find out how much of each statement was lifted directly from the individual's comment]

[Hat tip to IMAO reader Shimauma for sending me the link]

Comments (11)

Fun Facts About North Carolina

Posted by Harvey at 10:56 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be singing our way through the cotton harvest as we visit North Carolina. So let's get started...

North Carolina became the 12th state on November, 21st, 1789. Then, as now, it was the nation's leading producer of tobacco products and is the only state in the US whose constitution includes a Surgeon General's warning.

The state song of North Carolina is a wet, hacking cough.

Although Carolina is currently considered a woman's name, North Carolina was actually named for England's King Charles I, since the Latin word "Carolus" means both "Charles" and "mincing poofter girly-man".

In 1903, the Wright Brothers had their first successful airplane flight near Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Although early flights barely left the ground, they were quite popular among amorous couples seeking to join the "10-foot-high club".

In the early 1700's Beaufort Town, North Carolina was a notorious haven for pirates - cruel, dim-witted men with foul mouths and poor personal hygiene who wouldn't hesitate to use violence to get their way. Rather like hippies, except with bigger boats.

The famous lighthouse at Cape Hatteras, North Carolina had to be moved due to erosion problems, due in large part to endless streams of tourists spitting over the rail of the observation deck.

The state bird of North Carolina is the Cardinal, which I assume was chosen for its red neck.

The Andy Griffith show was set in the fictional town of Mayberry, North Carolina. It was based on an actual city, but to appease the censors, they changed Otis' role to town drunk instead of his real job as Aunt Bea's pimp.

North Carolina's state vegetable is the Sweet Potato, which was chosen by the state's majority population of Sweet Irish.

Harker Island, North Carolina, is home to the annual Core Sound Duck Decoy Festival which boasts more fake but accurate items than a CBS news broadcast.

The WWII battleship North Carolina was preserved as a museum in 1963 as a reminder to the Japs that they should stick to tending goldfish.

The first English Colony in America was at Roanoke Island, North Carolina. The entire population vanished without a trace in 1590, which is not as mysterious as it sounds, since the colony consisted entirely of deadbeat dads.

The state motto of North Carolina is "Esse quam videri", which is Latin for "arrogant basketball snobs".

At nearly 6700 feet, North Carolina's Mount Mitchell is the highest peak east of the Mississippi and is rumored to be the hiding place of the notorious terrorist Bubba bin Laden.

Krispy Kreme Donuts was started in 1937 in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. The donuts are staggeringly popular throughout the US, despite the fact that their name is an obvious euphemism for "stale filling".

The Venus Flytrap is a carnivorous plant which is native to North Carolina. It will eat dead flies, spoiled hamburger, and most other things commonly found in the kitchen at McDonalds.

The first miniature golf course was built in Fayetteville, North Carolina, and was originally invented to appeal to tourists who hate exercise, but really enjoy frustrated cursing.

Babe Ruth hit the first of his record 714 home runs while playing in Fayetteville, North Carolina on March 7, 1914. He also hit his first peanut vendor in the process - his record for that (179) remains unbroken to this day.

The Biltmore Estate in Ashville, North Carolina is America's largest home. Designed by architect Mike Brady, it contains 255 rooms and a single, shared, upstairs bathroom with no toilet.

The first state-owned art museum is located in Raleigh, North Carolina. All modern art exhibits there are limited by law to 1.6 gallons per flush.

North Carolina's Grandfather Mountain is designated by the UN as an "International Biosphere Reserve", which is just a polite way of saying "a place for the French to hide in case they get frightened by a loud noise or something".

The Mile-High Swinging Bridge near Linville, North Carolina, is 5305 feet above sea level. It wasn't originally designed to swing, but that's Union labor for ya.

Pepsi was invented in New Bern, North Carolina in 1898. The secret ingredient in the beverage is a closely-guarded secret, but here's a hint: the beverage was originally called "Peesi".

The town of Wendell, North Carolina, was named for Oliver Wendell Holmes, or possibly for that pale, sickly kid on the Simpsons.

Golfing legend Arnold Palmer started his career playing on the championship golf team of Wake Forest University. He's credited with inventing the "casually kick the ball closer to the hole maneuver" now popularly known as "Palmering".

Born in Fayetteville, North Carolina, in 1822 Hiram Rhoades Revels became the first black member of the US Congress - inexplicably, without Jesse Jackson's help.

17th President Andrew Johnson started out as a tailor's apprentice in Raleigh, North Carolina. He became the first President in American history to be impeached, but was acquitted in his Senate trial, since his crimes DID include lying about diddling an intern.

North Carolina leads the nation in furniture production, and is famous for its leather sofas made from the skins of unlucky NASCAR drivers.

North Carolina was the first state in the US to establish a state symphony orchestra, which consisted of a jug, a washboard, and a washtub bass.

In 1987, North Carolina declared milk to be the official state beverage when the clerk typing up the bill inadvertently misspelled "moonshine".

Born in Charlotte, North Carolina, televangelist Billy Graham - like Osama bin Laden - used the power of modern media to spread his religious message. Fortunately, his followers usually became naggy church ladies instead of suicide bombers.

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That wraps up the North Carolina edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be mortified to discover that the people in Fargo really DO sound like those people in the movie, as we visit North Dakota.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go join the "10-foothigh club".

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Comments (11)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:17 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Homer and Marge appeared naked at the Springfield Football Stadium

2) What's the name of the multiplex movie theaters in Springfield?

3) Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel, is married to who?

4) What is Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel's last name?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

September 12, 2006

Terrorists Continue To Fight Dirty

Posted by Harvey at 02:40 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

New Baghdad Police Academy graduates recoil in horror during a briefing on the latest innovations in terrorist weaponry: the Sony HVR-Z1U 3CCD video camera and the CNN journalist.

[Hat tip to CENTCOM for the pic]

Comments (5)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:14 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) Who once attacked Lisa when she was cross-country skiing?

2) Of what profession are Dr. Hillbilly and the Iron Yuppie?

3) What does the blind man rename Santa's Little Helper?

4) What did the Springfield Cat Burglar steal from Bart?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

September 10, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 12:09 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) In "Three Men and a Comic Book", Mrs. Glick puts lemon juice on Bart's wounds

2) What does the old Radioactive Man #1 comic smell like, according to Milhouse?

3) (T/F) In "Three Men and a Comic Book", we find out that Mrs. Glick's brother died when he held onto a grenade too long in WWI

4) Who once had a job as a Certified Bloodletting Tech-Dude?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (2)

September 09, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 04:19 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Otto is the school bus driver

2) Which Simpsons character is missing an arm?

3) Which Simpsons character has a wooden leg?

4) Which Simpsons character has a brass knee?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

September 08, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:55 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) What does Moe do for the underprivileged and bedridden in his spare time?

2) What does Petrochem Petrochemical Corp make besides Caustic Polypropylene?

3) Sideshow Mel cannot eat what without getting sick?

4) What is the secret to Krustyburger's secret sauce?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

September 07, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 04:20 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Dr. James Jolly is the Simpson's doctor

2) Who is Lisa's favorite jazz musician?

3) Springfield's veterinarian flunked out of what kind of school?

4) Why did Santa's Little Helper need an expensive operation?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

September 06, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 03:04 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) What is the Springfield holiday where snakes are chased with sticks?

2) Which Simpsons character allegedly took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt?

3) When Marge is arrested and sent to jail, who is her cell mate?

4) Gabbo is the dummy at the end of the arm of whom?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

September 05, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:21 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) "The Colossus" is a giant what that Homer buys at the mall?

2) Who wants Abe Simpson to lend him money to build a death ray?

3) After Bart is hit by a car, what does he do while riding the escalator to Heaven?

4) According to Burns' court testimony, where was he going when he hit Bart with his car?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

September 03, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 04:10 PM | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Assassins are a kind of fancy tennis shoe that Ned and Homer buy

2) What happens when you honk the horn of the car Homer designed for Powell Motors?

3) In "Bart's Dog Gets An F", what sickness does Lisa have?

4) Who did newsman Kent Brockman marry?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (8)

September 02, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 03:47 PM | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Classic horror movie star Boris Karloff created the craft "Egg Magic" that Marge and Lisa try to put together

2) Who runs the Springfield Post Office?

3) Homer's counterfeit Super Bowl tickets are printed on what?

4) What is the name of old hippies Seth and Munchie's dog?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

September 01, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 01:50 PM | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) According to elderly cartoonist Chester J. Lampwick, what was missing in cartoons until he came along?

2) What evil super-villain was at first thought to have shot Mr. Burns, but later released?

3) Jasper says sidewalks are for regular walking, not what?

4) After Smithers is fired in "Who Shot Mr. Burns?", what cheap scotch does he get drunk on?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

August 31, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 03:52 PM | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Homer tells his mother that people think he looks like Dan Akroyd?

2) When Homer gained a lot of weight, what did the theater manager offer him if he would leave?

3) When Homer gained a lot of weight, what did he use to push buttons and tap windows?

4) In "Bart On The Road", we learn that Nelson really admires which famous singer?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (11)

August 30, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:11 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) What Bart sees through his telescope leads him to believe that Ned killed his wife's plant

2) How are the out-of-control robots stopped at Itchy & Scratchy Land?

3) In "Treehouse of Horror V", which characters from another cartoon show are seen?

4) Who is Springfield's resident right-wing radio talk-show host?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (6)

Fun Facts About New York

Posted by Harvey at 12:25 AM | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry...)

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we're taking a trip to the state that habitually refers to Canada as "our neighbor to the west" - New York. So let's get started...

New York became the 11th state on July 26th, 1788 and was originally called New Amsterdam. Before the final name change, it was variously known as Not New Jersey, Whaddyalookinat, and Hookerland.

New York City's most famous landmark, the Statue of Liberty, is constructed out of copper and eventually turned green due to pollution from coal burning factories. If you scraped off the corrosion, you'd find that the statue was actually pink, completely naked, and originally titled "The Statue of Yowza!"

Vassar College, in Poughkeepsie, New York, was orginally founded as a women's college in 1861. Its motto is "Where women go to feel smart between evenings of drunken table dancing".

The 1969, the Woodstock Music Festival was held on Max Yasgur's farm in Bethel, New York. It reportedly took Mr. Yasgur over 2 years to get that hippie smell out of his manure pit.

Dairy farming is New York's #1 agricultural activity. The state's 18,000 dairy farms have a milk-producing capacity nearly that of Dolly Parton.

In 1807, the world's first steamboat, the Clermont, made its maiden voyage between New York City and Albany. It was during this trip that the phrase "are we there, yet?" was first coined.

The state tree of New York is the billboard

In 1899, the Kosher wine industry was started by Sam Shapiro in New York City. Before that, Jews drank nothing but the fermented blood of Palestinian babies. Or so I've heard.

New York City has 722 miles of subway track. Most of it heavily stained with wino vomit.

"Wizard of Oz" author L. Frank Baum was born in Chittenago, New York. His famous tale was loosely based on the lives of Al and Tipper Gore, as most great American stories are.

The New York Post - founded in 1803 by Alexander Hamilton - is America's oldest continually-published newspaper. Its first headline was "Jefferson Has No Exit Strategy For Barbary Coast Pirate Quagmire".

John Babcock of New York City invented the stationary rowing machine in 1869 as a less-smelly alternative to the then-popular exercise fad of riding a dead horse.

The first railroad in America ran the 11 miles between Albany and Schenectady, NY. The slow, primitive train ride carried few passengers, since riding a dead horse between the towns was nearly as fast.

New York City was the first capital of the United States. George Washington took his oath of office there in 1789, beginning the city's long and cherished tradition of gullibly trusting lying politicians.

Every November, New York City's Empire State Building plays host to the Boy Scouts' annual Urban Camp-out, allowing scouts to earn the elusive Drunk Rolling and Crack Procurement merit badges.

During the war of 1812, meatpacker Sam Wilson of Troy, New York, stamped "U.S. Beef" on the products he sent to the troops. This was popularly interpreted as - and began the legend of - Uncle Sam, although the letters actually stood for "urine soaked".

Don't make that face at me. Urine contains a plethora of natural preservatives.

Actor Humphrey Bogart was born in New York City in 1899. Little known fact - in the movie "Casablanca", he never said "Play it again, Sam." What he actually said was "AOL sends spam", one of the most prescient lines in cinematic history.

Jell-O was invented in Rochester, New York in 1897. Mostly as a way to help dispose of the mountains of dead horses that people didn't ride any more.

Marshmallows were also invented in Rochester. They stopped being manufactured there in 1984 after the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man destroyed the city.

For obvious reasons, bumper-to-bumper warranties for cars sold in New York City do NOT cover the horn.

Gennaro Lombardi opened America's first pizzeria in New York City in 1895. Slices of the original pie are still being sold there today, or at least that's what it tastes like.

Locals don't complain about it, though, since New Yorkers wouldn't know good pizza if it jumped up and stuffed their noses full of pepperoni.

On July 28th, 1945, a B-25 bomber crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building. The pilot wasn't Muslim, just really stupid, which isn't technically the same thing.

Joseph C. Gayetty of New York City introduced toilet paper to the world in 1857, causing sales of The New York Times to plummet.

Camera inventor George Eastman was born in Waterville, NY in 1854. His device was second only to the creation of the internet in revolutionizing the pornography industry.

New York was the first state to require license plates on automobiles, which featured the motto, "Get out of my way, jackass!"

Famed for his numerous, heartwarming Saturday Evening Post covers, painter Norman Rockwell was born in New York City. The secret to his technique was looking out the window of his Hell's Kitchen apartment and then painting the exact opposite of what he saw.

New York City is world-famous for its cultural diversity. While walking even a single block, a tourist can expect to be cursed at in over 40 different languages.

Contrary to the popular myth, local Indians did NOT sell the island of Manhattan for $24 worth of beads and trinkets. It was actually lost during an inexplicable run of bad luck at a Coney Island sidewalk game of 3-Card-Monte.

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That wraps up the New York edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be stuck to the floor by the tar on our heels as we visit North Carolina.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go earn some merit badges.

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Comments (18)

August 29, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:50 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) Who is the bully in Bart's class?

2) Who won the 1st Annual Montgomery Burns Award For Outstanding Achievement In The Field Of Excellence?

3) Where did Homer's half-brother live after Homer ruined him financially?

4) What movie does Jimbo say moved him?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

August 27, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 10:43 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Brain Freeze is the frozen drink sold at the Kwik-E-Mart

2) Homer gave Bart a Swiss Army knive he stole from who?

3) In the Junior Campers, after you've passed the written knife test, what rank do you achieve?

4) What does Mr. Sparkle promise to do to dirt?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (7)

August 26, 2006

Troop Inspection

Posted by Harvey at 02:30 PM | Email This

"This guy feels perfectly smooth in front... I guess the French have arrived."

Comments (7)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 10:53 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Ned and Maude played Adam and Eve in "Simpsons Bible Stories"

2) What is the name of the recycling plant that Mr. Burns started?

3) Who is also known as "The Listen Lady"?

4) What is the unicorn's name in "Simpsons Bible Stories?"

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

August 25, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 09:39 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) What color is the tablecloth in the Simpson kitchen?

2) When Itchy shot a rocket to the moon, what did he attach to it?

3) What Springfield channel is the public access channel?

4) What is the slogan of the Springfield access channel?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

August 24, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 03:25 PM | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) In "Bart the Daredevil", what happens right after Homer is whisked away in an ambulance?

2) The monstrous truck at the Monster Truck Rally is called what?

3) What is on the back of every Happy Sumo restaurant menu?

4) What is the state motto of the state Springfield is in?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

August 23, 2006

Terrorist Awareness Quiz

Posted by Harvey at 09:35 AM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

I think it's wonderful that citizens are aware of the terrorist threat, but recently there have been several false alarms turned in by folks who obviously aren't qualified to spot terrorists. For example:

Cargo containerfull of explosives in Seattle! ... just dirty rags.

1000 cell phones bought by Arabs for explosive triggers!... just buying them cheap to re-sell later.

Crazed jihadi hijacks plane with napalm!... just a claustrophobic grandmother with a jar of vaseline.

Are YOU qualified to spot terrorist threats? Take this short quiz and find out:

1. 12 men are huddled together whispering to each other. They are.
a) Terrorists
b) A football team about to get a 5-yard penalty
c) The Disciples killing time waiting for Jesus to get back from Starbucks with their morning coffee.

2. Someone sits at a workbench, alternately mumbling curses and prayers to himself as he sticks wires into high explosives. This is:
a) Terrorist activity
b) Just another day at Industrial Light & Magic
c) The ever-optimistic Wile E. Coyote

3. An angry, bearded man shakes his fists and ululates at the sky. He is:
a) A terrorist
b) Harvey stepping on a nail
c) Al Gore giving a speech

4. A stray dog wanders up to you as you sit at an outdoor cafe. You should:
a) Suspect that terrorists have strapped explosives to it
b) Change tables - your shoes are both expensive and not drool-proof
c) Angrily send the dog back into the kitchen, complaining that you specifically ordered "well done".

5. You see a piece of unattended luggage at the airport. It's probably:
a) A terrorist's explosive device
b) A clue in some stupid race-around-the-world reality show
c) Odo doing undercover work

6. Middle-Eastern men are taking surreptitious camera-phone pictures near a national landmark. They are:
a) Gathering intelligence for a future terrorist attack
b) Just dorky tourists who are too cheap to buy a REAL camera
c) Gathering photos for later uploading to their hotnakedankles.com porn site

7. You open a package and notice a white, powdery substance. This is a case of:
a) A terrorist anthrax assault
b) The post office brutally mishandling your order of Enzyte
c) You forgetting to wash your hands after scattering lime over the shallow graves in your basement

Score as follows:

a - 1 point
b - 2 points
c - 3 points

Grading:

1-6 points: Either you suck at math or you skipped a question.

7-11 points: You're far too twitchy to be trusted with our national security. Lock yourself in a closet with a Louisville Slugger, ya big scaredy-cat!

12-16 points: Your finely-honed sense of danger is balanced with a generous dollop of common sense. America needs more people like you. An Army recruiter will be contacting you shortly.

17-21 points: Fictional characters? Dog-eating? Hiding bodies? You're a criminally insane psychotic freak. A danger to yourself and others. A Marine recruiter will be contacting you shortly.

22 or more points: CHEATER!

So... how did you do?

NOTE: Please be aware that scoring 22 or more points may cause you to be contacted by the DNC's "Get Out the Vote" committee.

Comments (11)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:43 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Homer says "Ay carumba!" when he sees something surprising

2) What is Marge's name short for?

3) Besides the yellow & black warning stripe, what else is on the door to Homer's workstation?

4) What does Otto the bus driver call his dad?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

August 22, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:30 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) In the weekly opening sequence, who is on the TV's in the shop window?

2) Who is the little guy who looks like Krusty and plays the squeeze-box?

3) What nervous fellow is seen in several different jobs, but is never good at any of them?

4) What real-life person, mentioned in "Bart vs. Thanksgiving", died in 1998 at the age of 108?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

August 21, 2006

Fun Facts About New Mexico

Posted by Harvey at 05:15 PM | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry...)

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to visit the state that 9 out of 10 kids mislabel as Arizona when they try to fill out a blank map of the US, otherwise known as New Mexico. So let's get started...

New Mexico became the 47th state on January 6th, 1912. It was originally founded by a refugees from Texas seeking the religious freedom to end their prayers with "Amen" instead of "YEE-HAW!".

Only 10% of the New Mexico Territory acquired by the US government during the Mexican-American War actually became the state of New Mexico. Very much like your income after taxes.

The world's largest hot air balloon festival is held in Albuquerque, New Mexico, since the city's air comes conveniently pre-heated.

Only .002% of New Mexico's total surface area is covered by lakes and rivers, giving it a water-to-land ratio just slightly larger than Ted Kennedy's conscience-to-soul ratio.

The world's first atomic bomb was detonated near Alamagordo, New Mexico, on July 16th, 1945. The site was chosen by President Truman because he thought it "sounded Japanese enough for blowin' up".

New Mexico's White Sands National Monument is the state's most popular tourist destination among confused cocaine addicts.

Grants, New Mexico, was once known as "the carrot capital of the country" until it was brought low by a plague of wascally wabbits.

The northwest corner of New Mexico borders the corners of three other states, where Cerberus jealously guards against invaders from Colorado, Utah, and Arizona.

The Palace of the Governors in Sante Fe, New Mexico, was built in 1610 and is the oldest public buildings in America. Its walls are covered by colorful frescos and the unremovable stench of nearly 400 years of political corruption.

The ancient Anasazi Indian civilization flourished in New Mexico for over 1300 years before being invaded and conquered by confused cocaine addicts.

New Mexico is the only state in the US named after the country from which the land was acquired. At least until we get around to re-naming Quebec "New Canada".

That's right, you filthy Canucks, we're comin' for ya.

The state flower of New Mexico is the Yucca. Like hemp, its sturdy, fibrous leaves make excellent rope, yet hippies are inexplicably unenthusiastic about it.

Over 1/4 of New Mexico is covered by lush, tropical, dust forests.

Hippies aren't crazy about those, either.

The largest fire in New Mexico's history destroyed nearly 50,000 acres of forest in 2000, and was caused by an Enron document-destroying party that got out of hand.

In 1950, the cub that became the original Smokey the Bear was found after a fire in New Mexico's Lincoln National Forest where he was convicted of arson and sentenced to a life of community service as the Forest Service's mascot.

1 out of 3 families in New Mexico speak Spanish at home. While driving, however, 100% of the state's residents that I cut off in traffic shook their fist and called me "pendejo!", so that first statistic might be low.

The mine at Lake Valley, New Mexico, has veins of 100% pure silver, which allows for removal without destructive mining techniques. Ben & Jerry's was so impressed by this environmentally-friendly operation that they offered to name an ice cream flavor after it, until they realized that nothing really rhymes with "silver".

Inventor Robert Goddard made great advances in the science of rocketry at his Roswell, New Mexico, testing site. The museum dedicated to his work features scale models of his rocket designs and the stuffed & mounted bodies of all the aliens he shot down.

After helping to create the atomic bomb at the Los Alamos, New Mexico, facility, many of the scientists and engineers remained in the area, leading to the creation of America's first Federal Nerd Sanctuary.

1 in 4 adults in New Mexico are employed directly by the Federal Government, which may explain the state's motto of "Liberty, Bureaucracy, Sloth".

There were no public schools in New Mexico until the early 20th century, which is why the state's residents can both spell and pronounce "Albuquerque" correctly.

New Mexico has more sheep and cattle than people. McDonalds reports having a hard time keeping up with demand for its new McMeadow sandwich.

Because of its arid climate, 3/4 of New Mexico's roads are unpaved. Since the dirt is so dry and compacted, it doesn't wash away when it rains. Much like when a hippie showers.

Yeah, I know, but use your imagination.

Sportscaster John Madden was born in Austin, New Mexico, on the same day as the detonation of the first atomic bomb, which may explain his penchant for the word "boom!".

The city of Truth of Consequences, New Mexico, was named after a popular 1950's radio quiz show, or possibly the fact that it's inhabited by mind reading aliens who deal screaming death to those who dare speak untruths in their presence.

Either way, Bill Clinton has never visited the city. Make of that what you will.

The town of Deming, New Mexico, is known for its annual duck races. Insider tip: bet heavily on "Quack O' War".

Singer John Denver was born in Roswell, New Mexico, and is credited by many as the inspiration for Metallica's raw, heavy metal sound.

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That wraps up the New Mexico edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be shocked to discover that there's actually an entire state surrounding that big, smelly, attention-hogging city, as we visit New York.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find a church service to attend - YEE-HAW!

Hey... I'm Orthodox.

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Comments (19)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:35 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) The first prank Bart ever pulled on Homer was to light his tie on fire

2) In Skinner's office, what kind of plant is directly opposite his desk?

3) From where did Bart steal a military tank?

4) What valuable thing did Homer once use to wax the car?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

August 20, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 10:06 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) In "Summer of 4'2"," what do Lisa's friends decorate Homer's car with?

2) (T/F) When Moe turns the bar into a restaurant, he renames it Mister Moe's

3) What does Milhouse trade Bart's soul for at the comic shop?

4) Lisa discovers that town founder Jebediah Springfield had what unusual prosthesis?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (7)

August 19, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 09:03 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) The world's first Kwik-E-Mart is located in India

2) In "Bart Gets an Elephant", Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II teach themselves how to play what?

3) Who is the man who wants to buy Stampy the Elephant for his ivory?

4) Lisa is a member of what jazz quartet?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (2)

August 18, 2006

Glenn Reynolds: The Interview

Posted by Harvey at 01:21 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Since Instapundit recently celebrated his 5th blogiversay, I thought it would be a good time to conduct an interview with Glenn Reynolds, so as to separate man from myth with this legendary blogger.

Unfortunately, Glenn had neither the time nor the inclination to answer my questions, so I put a pair of glasses on a teddy bear, sat him on a blankie, queried him at length, and used one of the many voices in my head to supply the answers.

Figured it wouldn't be TOO different from the real thing.

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HARVEY: Thanks for agreeing to do this. First, I can't help noticing that you use the word "heh" a lot. Now, as the Dark Overlord of the Blogosphere, wouldn't it be better to have a more sinister laugh, like "MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" or something? I mean, "heh" just seems kind of effeminate.

GLENN: Not true. Some of the evilest people in the world use "heh". For example, terrorists frequently say "Allah Akbar!" before blowing up school buses full of kids, which actually means "heh" in whatever monkey-jabber language it is they speak.

HARVEY: Why is your blog named "Instapundit"?

GLENN: Simple linguistics - "insta" means "really fast", "pun" is something that's funny in a pathetic sort of way, and "dit" is the spoken representation of the dot - the shorter of the two signals used in telegraph code. So - short, fast, funny, pathetic... all words women have used to describe my performance. I just sort of combined them.

HARVEY: What blogs do you read regularly?

GLENN: Including Instapundit?

HARVEY: Yes.

GLENN: Just Ann Althouse.

HARVEY: You DON'T read Instapundit?

GLENN: READ it? I don't even proofread it! That blog is just the result of Thunderbird-addled baboons poking randomly at keyboards & hitting the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button on Google. Then I have a mildly retarded parrot add a link to whatever pops up.

HARVEY: So it's a lot like a Kos "Open Thread" post?

GLENN: Yes, but with slightly less frothing Bush-hatred, and better spelling.

HARVEY: What made you decide to go to law school?

GLENN: Daily beatings from my parents.

HARVEY: You were a victim of child abuse?

GLENN: Victim? NO!... the beatings were a reward. I like that sort of thing. Doesn't everybody?

HARVEY: So... when you punched Frank J. that one time...

GLENN: Right. I was telling him to keep up the great blogging work. The boy's got talent. Unlike YOU, who I wouldn't even poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

HARVEY: Are you planning a sequel to your runaway best-seller "An Army of Davids"?

GLENN: Yes, this September, I'll be releasing "An Army of Destructo-bots: How Killer Robots Empower Ordinary Evil Overlords to Beat Any Rag-Tag Army of Misfits Those Pathetic Davids Can Raise". By the way, if you haven't already, you should buy my book. I need money. Those Destructo-bots aren't going to build themselves.

HARVEY: Why should people help you to enslave the human race?

GLENN: If you buy "An Army of Davids", you get a free coupon for a swift and merciful death. Everyone else has to listen to a Glenn & Helen Podcast as the Destructo-bot slowly crushes the life out of their bodies. MUAHAHA... I mean... heh.

HARVEY: Ok... well... that wraps up this interview. I'm gonna go run out and buy me a copy of that "Armada of Duckies" thing so that your shrieky, pteradactyl-like voice isn't the last sound I hear. Thank you for your time, Mr. Reynolds, and keep up the great blogging work.

GLENN: Thanks... um... aren't you going to punch me now?

HARVEY: Sorry. I'm saving it for Frank J.... besides, I wouldn't hit a bear with glasses.

---

So... would YOU have punched the bear?

Comments (6)

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

Posted by Harvey at 09:32 AM | Email This

Today's Simpsons Trivia
(Introduction)

---

1) What does Homer say if he's frustrated, wrong, or surprised?

2) (T/F) Milhouse has been seen wearing Teletubbies underwear?

3) Who tries to get Ned to participate in her infomercial when he visits Las Vegas?

4) In the Baldwin's house, what does Homer do when Kim Bassinger is asleep?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (7)

August 17, 2006

Just Precious

Posted by Harvey at 08:07 AM | Email This

Via The Question Fairy:

The Green Helmet Guy Blog.

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 01:08 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) In "Treehouse of Horror V", what does Homer turn into a time machine?

2) In "Lisa's Rival", Ralph's prize-winning diorama is composed of what?

3) Diorama-Rama is Principal Skinner's favorite school event next to what?

4) In "Homer Goes to College", Burns tells the government inspection team that the power plant makes what?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

August 16, 2006

Reuters News Flash!

Posted by Harvey at 09:58 AM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

"After yet another vicious, unprovoked Israeli attack, the victims..." Oh, come ON, Reuters! You're not even trying anymore!

Comments (2)

Motivating the Troops in Afghanistan

Posted by Harvey at 08:47 AM | Email This

"No, seriously, they were THIS freakin' big!... So - to answer your question - besides freedom, you are also fighting for advanced breast implant technology."

[Hat tip to CENTCOM for the pic]

Comments (3)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:55 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) The Simpsons cat is named Snowball I

2) Who is Abe Simpson's favorite TV hero?

3) What is the name of Springfield's minor-league baseball team?

4) A real-life replica of the Simpsons house is located in the suburb of what US city?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Bonus question:

5) Do the Simpsons support killing the @#$%ers?

Comments (15)

August 15, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:38 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) At Thanksgiving dinner one year, Bart destroyed Lisa's saxophone

2) How do Homer and Marge find out that Bart ran away on Thanksgiving?

3) What song is Dancin' Homer's favorite to dance to?

4) In "Bart vs. Thanksgiving", who performs on the TV football game's half-time show?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

August 14, 2006

Fun Facts About New Jersey

Posted by Harvey at 03:38 PM | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to thrill to the intoxicating aroma of inadequately-maintained industrial landfills as we visit New Jersey. So let's get started...

New Jersey became the 3rd state on December 18, 1787 after cutting off the head of Old Jersey and shouting "There can be only ONE!"

The state song of New Jersey is "I'm From New Jersey", the only state song which is perfectly adaptable to any state or city with a 3-syllable name. Think of it as "witness protection program friendly".

At over 1000 people per square mile, New Jersey has a population density 13 times the US average, the subject of numerous protests by KFCeTP (Kentucky Fried Chickens for the Ethical Treatment of People).

Newark, New Jersey is the car-theft capital of the world, although the Newark Chamber of Commerce prefers to refer to it as "pre-emptive recycling".

Cape May, New Jersey, is the oldest seaside resort in the US and brags that it has "the best fed sharks north of Amity".

The state flag of New Jersey has a buff colored background, the state seal (3 plows topped by a horse's head) and the state motto "Perhaps you should reconsider the Don's generous offer".

The state flower of New Jersey is the violet. And before you ask: no, I didn't accidentally leave out the "n".

The state's name, however, WAS originally a typographical error, when an inattentive clerk mistakenly typed an "s" instead of a "k" on the colony's application for statehood.

One exceptionally capitalistic area of New Jersey contains 7 shopping malls in a 25 square mile area and frequently exceeds the EPA limits on perfume particulates.

New Jersey is America's second largest producer of industrial chemicals. First, if you include the stuff that's burning on the rivers.

Thomas Edison invented the light bulb in his Menlo Park, New Jersey, laboratory, which soon replaced kerosene, whale oil, and natural gas lamps as the "good idea" symbol.

The first Miss America pageant took place in Atlantic City, New Jersey, in 1921, helping to end the dark chapter in American history where beautiful, large-breasted women were routinely shunned and ignored.

The streets in the game Monopoly are all named for actual streets in Atlantic City, New Jersey, which are frequently clogged with shoes and tophats.

New Jersey's Fort Dix was named for Major General John Adams Dix, and NOT for the fact that it was the last all-male Army base in the US

Atlantic City, New Jersey has the longest boardwalk in the world. Enough trees were used in its construction to make 10,000 hippies weep in anguish.

The first Indian reservation in the US was created in New Jersey, which - surprisingly - did NOT trigger a case involving the 8th Amendment's "cruel and unusual punishment" clause.

Union, New Jersey is home to the world's tallest water tower. At 212 feet tall, it contains enough water to completely clean out three of Michael Moore's belly-folds.

New Jersey is the only state in the nation that offers child abuse prevention workshops in every public school. Although you'd think that if they REALLY cared about the kids, they'd just move them out of the state.

The first baseball game was played in Hoboken, New Jersey, one of the few times in the state's history where the use of a baseball bat wasn't immediately followed by a homicide investigation.

The first drive-in movie theater was opened Camden, New Jersey, in 1933, less than one year before Camden set the record for "most illegitimate births".

Tourism is New Jersey's second-largest industry, just behind discreet body-disposal.

The knobbed whelk is the state seashell, not a nickname for New York tourists.

The first dinosaur skeleton found in the US was discoverd in Haddonfield, New Jersey. Paleontologists theorize that the cause of its death was not accepting the Don's generous offer.

Dioxin is New Jersey's state toxic waste

Good luck guessing whether that one's true or not.

Comedians Bud Abbot and Lou Costello were both born in New Jersey. Their famous comedy routine "Who Do Youse Want Me to Whack First" was later re-written slightly to appeal to a broader audience.

Singer Whitney Houston was born in Newark, New Jersey, where she first discovered her amazing talent for making dogs howl across three counties.

Singer Bruce Springsteen was born in Freehold, New Jersey. The city's residents are the only people who know what he's actually singing in "Blinded By The Light"

"Washing with a loofah in the corner to the right"? "Dressed up in a tutu like the mother of my wife"? What the HELL is he singing?

"The Chairman of the Board" Frank Sinatra was born in Hoboken, New Jersey. He... I've just been handed a note... apparently if I value my kneecaps, I should be keepin' by yap shut about Mr. Sinatra.

Nevermind.

In New Jersey, "Wawa" refers to a particular chain of convenience stores, NOT to the last sound the guy in your trunk makes before you throw him in the dumpster behind the convenience store.

The reason people always ask folks from New Jersey "What exit?" is that it's the only phrase that can't be mistaken for a criticism of Mr. Sinatra.

---

That wraps up the New Jersey edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be nervously drumming our fingers on the dashboard while awaiting the arrival of our drug mule near the southern border of New Mexico.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take the Don up on his generous offer of a free trip to the back of the Wawa.

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Comments (8)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 10:34 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Troy McClure plays the movie hero McBain

2) Where does Marge's mom live?

3) What is chiseled into the stone under the sign for the Springfield Hall of Records?

4) What Springfield business has the slogan "For The Old Lady In All Of Us?"

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (2)

August 13, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 09:52 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) Who is Marge's favorite Beatle?

2) Which musical group did Mr. Burns order to be killed?

3) Which Simpsons character's image has been on a real-life space shuttle mission patch?

4) Where in Springfield can you get 100 tacos for $100?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (6)

August 12, 2006

More Instapundit - Less Glenn Reynolds?

Posted by Harvey at 09:32 AM | Email This

(A Filthy LIe)

After returning from his recent vacation, Glenn Reynolds said:

I think the blog actually improves when I go away!

Is that really true? Let's think about it...

---

BETTER WITHOUT GLENN

* Fewer creepy pictures of Glenn showing off his flexibility by licking his own toes.

* Less Ann Althouse material when she's actually guest-blogging.

* No drunken boasting about how he "taught Johnny Cochran his mad rhyming skillz"

* Don't have to see that Michael-Moore-lookin' Porkbusters pig.

* No tiresome WKC vs. AKC smoothies debates.

BETTER WITH GLENN

* If Glenn doesn't leave, we don't have to suffer through that obviously-bought-off-a-website "What I Did On My Vacation" essay when he returns.

* Always have a handy reference if you're not sure how to spell "heh".

* Or "update".

* All you have to do to get an Instalanche is give "Army of Davids" a positive review - and sign your e-mail with your Communist Party membership number.

* When Glenn leaves town, the "Page 3 Girl" pic doesn't always get updated.

---

Well, it's a close call, but I'll say better WITH Glenn.

By the way, Army of Davids is a great book.

82634896

Comments (3)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:56 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Selma takes Bart and Lisa to Itchy & Scratchy Land

2) Whose heart does Lisa break on television?

3) Bart wins first prize at the science fair by proving what?

4) What is Homer's buddy Carl's last name?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

August 11, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 11:33 AM | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Bart gets famous for saying "Don't have a cow, man" on Krusty's show

2) Once Homer accidentally listened to subliminal vocabulary-building tapes instead of what?

3) On his inspection visit, what does Superintendant Chalmers test the playground sandbox for?

4) In Radioactive Man Comic #72, Radioactive Man marries who?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

August 10, 2006

Scream If You Hate the JOOOOOOOS!

Posted by Harvey at 09:20 AM | Email This

Unlucky Beirut Woman flees across a bridge to safety as the sky glows orange from fires caused by Israeli bombing.

[Hat tip to IMAO reader Shimauma for the suggestion]

Comments (2)

The New Cuba

Posted by Harvey at 08:14 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

With his brother in the hospital, Raul Castro has wasted no time shaking things up in the country he now controls. In a mere 10 days he's made several notable changes in Cuba:

---

* Relaxing the ban on American corporations. Even going so far as personally pinching the ceremonial first ass at the new Havana Hooters.

* Upgrading the country's numerous rusted out 1950's Chevys by installing broken 8-track players.

* Being more like Bill Clinton, except with better cigars and hotter interns.

* Growing himself a nice, bushy, dictator-beard, like Fidel, Saddam, and that ruthless bastard Santa.

* Guaranteeing the right of free speech to all citizens as long as they don't use the letter "e".

* Ending the program of automatic Cuban citizenship for the constant flood of American refugees washing up on their shores.

* Random beatings of political prisoners will no longer include hideous Ricky Martin background music.

* Replacing layers of filth encrusting the streets of Havana with more wholesome layers of crud.

* Replacing numerous giant pictures of Fidel with numerous giant pictures of hot IDF chicks.

* Legalizing the importation of Viagra from America so that he can resolve his "Cuban Missile Crisis".

---

He's still working on getting the Fidel Castro urinal sticker factory up and running, but production is expected to start any day now.

Comments (2)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:37 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) Homer and Bart agree that which old man smells like an elephant's butt?

2) Who writes a letter to Itchy & Scratchy Studios that begins with "Dear purveyors of senseless violence..."?

3) According to the lyrics of "The Capitol City Song", what happens when you chance to see at 4th Street and D?

4) Who introduces Homer to the audience as "Homer Simpson, Party Guy"?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

August 09, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:02 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) In "Treehouse of Horror III", a doll version of who tries to kill Homer?

2) When Mr. Burns falls in love with Marge, what entertainer does he have kidnapped?

3) Who is the only character ever featured on the Simpsons with 5 fingers on each hand?

4) What little beauty queen is considered the Jack Nicholas of the pageant circuit?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

August 08, 2006

When JOOOOOOOOS Attack!

Posted by Harvey at 02:48 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Unlucky Beirut Woman leads Reuters photographers to the scene of yet another unprovoked Israeli atrocity.

Comments (15)

Why I Support the IDF

Posted by Harvey at 11:12 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Besides, of course, the fact that they kill terrorists, there are 3 good reasons:

Girls with guns

Girls without guns

Girls-on-girls without guns

And here's a good reason to actually join the IDF

You're not "groping", you're just "checking to make sure her weapon is secure".

Anyway, here's plenty more reasons to love the IDF.

Comments (19)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:41 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Troy McClure is the star of the movie "You Have the Right To Remain Dead"

2) According to Seymour, he doesn't have cooties, so it's okay for Patty to do what?

3) What is the name of Gunter & Ernst's white & black tiger?

4) According to Bart, what is his Aunt Patty's favorite candy?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (2)

August 07, 2006

Fun Facts About New Hampshire

Posted by Harvey at 05:18 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry...)

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to buy a pile of sales-tax-free - though horribly overpriced - Revolutionary-War-related souveniers as we tour New Hapshire. So let's get started...

New Hampshire became the 9th state on June 21st, 1788, it was originally founded by refugees from Massachusetts seeking to ensure that their descendants would never know the sick, shameful feeling of voting for Ted Kennedy.

New Hampshire's state tourism slogan is "Don't feel bad. We can't find us on a map, either".

While it was still just a colony, New Hampshire declared its independence from England 6 months before the the Declaration of Independence was signed - an embarrassing case of "premature emancipation".

Portsmouth, New Hampshire was the site of the signing of the treaty which officially ended the Russo-Japanese War in 1905, in which the Russians officially apologized for referring to the Japanese as "saki-swilling sushi-munchers".

New Hampshire's state motto is "We were really cool 230 years ago".

The first potato field in the US was planted in 1719, just outside of Londonderry, New Hampshire. No one planted the crop again for 50 years, when the Irishman-repelling scarecrow was finally developed.

Born in East Derry, New Hampshire, Alan B. Shepard Jr. was the first American to travel into space. After his historic feat, he spent 30 years in obscurity before finally turning up in an "Astronauts Gone Wild" video, performing lewd acts with moon rocks.

In 1833, the first free public library in the US was established in Peterborough, New Hampshire. The first book checked out was Nathaniel Limbaugh's "See, I Toldest Thou So".

New Hampshire instituted the first state lottery in 1963, which has been won every week for 43 years by Shirley Jackson.

The Cornish Hill Pottery Company of Wolfeboro, New Hampshire still makes their stoneware crafts in the traditional British fashion - glazed with the blood of the Irish.

In 1828, the first women's strike in the US took place when 400 mill girls walked out of the Dover Cotton Factory. They vowed not to return to work unless the sexual harrassment they were subjected to started including obnoxious foreplay.

The first alarm clock was invented in Concord, New Hampshire in 1787, and consisted of two tin cans, a piece of string, and a rooster.

Legendary orator Daniel Webster was born in Franklin, New Hampshire in 1782. It's said that his speeches were so persuasive that - were he alive today - he could talk John Kerry into taking a single position on an issue.

The first American coin was created by sculptor Augustus Saint-Gaudens of Cornish, New Hampshire. It had Washington's portrait on the front, and "America - F*** YEAH!" on the back.

President Franklin Pierce was born in Concord, New Hampshire. His only accomplishment in office was coining the phrase, "Can you smell what the Pierce is cookin'?"

The town of Merrimack, New Hampshire is home to the famous Clydesdales owned by the Anheuser-Busch Brewery. They require over 300 gallons of water per day to help them provide the secret ingredient that gives Budweiser its distinctive flavor.

The Budweiser frogs were also kept in Merrimac until they were dissected by the 8th grade Biology class.

New Hampshire's delegates were the first to vote for the Declaration of Independence on July 4th 1776, although due to a balloting error, several of them accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan.

New Hampshire has 10 counties, 13 municipalites, 221 towns, 22 unincoporated places, and one ring to rule them all.

Sarah Josepha Hale was born in 1830 in Newport New Hampshire, and was the author of the famous poem, "Mary Had a Little Lamb". She also penned the less-well-known follow-up poem, "Mary Had a Little Mint Jelly on the Side".

The state bird of New Hampshire is the Purple Finch, which - unlike some Finches - has no qualms about killing mockingbirds.

New Hampshire's state constitution was ratified in 1784, and is the second oldest one in the country. It's also the only one that specifically forbids fat chicks at nude beaches.

The Mount Washington Auto Road at Great Glenn, New Hampshire is the state's oldest man-made tourist attraction and annually draws more tourists than anything else in the state. Probably because it ends at a nude beach.

New Hampshire's legislature still meets in the original capitol building constructed in 1784. They expect to have the facilities upgraded about the same time that Microsoft upgrades Windows Solitaire.

Alexandria, New Hampshire, was the birthplace of Luther C. Ladd, the first man to lose his life in the Civil War, after uttering his famous last words "This pistol ain't loaded. Watch..."

The first motorized ascent of the Mount Washington Auto Road was by Freelan O. Stanley - inventor of the Staleny Steamer and nude beach afficianado.

Stonyfield Farm in Londonderry, New Hampshire, features a tour demostrating how yogurt is made. It also includes a free shower at the end so you can wash off that hippie smell.

New Hampshire did not officially adopt a state flag until 1909. Prior to that, they just had someone climb to the top of the flagpole and make cryptic gang-related hand-signals.

The granite profile "Old Man of the Mountain" - which collapsed in 2003 - was one of New Hampshire's most famous landmarks and appears on the New Hampshire state quarter. It was last visited by Luther C. Ladd IV, whose last words were "You're crazy! Nothing will happen if I throw a rock at that thing. Watch..."

---

That wraps up the New Hampshire edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be beaten up by burly Italian men in 3-piece suits as we scream promises to get them their money by this afternoon in New Jersey.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a drive down the Mount Washington Auto Road.

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Comments (11)

Today's Gibson Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 02:56 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) According to Mel Gibson, who is responsible for all the wars in the world?

a) Booze
b) Shoes
c) Blue's Clues
d) Muckadoos
e) New Zoo Revues
f) Kalamazoos
g) Tom Cruise
h) Bird flus
i) Chimney flues
j) Primordial ooze
k) Tea for twos
l) CBS Evening News
m) Kangaroos
n) Heads I win, tails you lose
o) Muumuus
p) Stinkypoos
q) Clever ruse
r) Runaround Sues
s) Jews
t) JOOOOOOOS!
u) Any of the above, depending on his blood alcohol level at the time

Official Trivia Card answer in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (21)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:01 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) The Simpsons do commercials for what real-life candy bar?

2) What is Homer's half-brother's name?

3) Who is movie hero McBain's sidekick?

4) What pet of Kent Brockman's once bit Ted Kennedy?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

August 06, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 10:26 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Bart's school science project was "Wasting squirrels with a BB gun"

2) Homer had to overcome a giant spider in the plant basement so he could escape work and go where?

3) What vegetable did Abe once wear on his belt, because it was the style at the time?

4) In "Whacking Day", who is seen wearing a red devil's costume, dancing, singing, and playing the maracas?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

August 05, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 10:53 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) Who is the Safety Inspector at the nuclear power plant?

2) Who gets jobs playing Santa for extra bucks at Christmas?

3) What did Bart's Christmas-time tattoo say?

4) Spell the word Bart tries to pass off in Scrabble as meaning a "big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin"

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

August 04, 2006

Instapundit Kills Five

Posted by Harvey at 10:33 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Wait... that post title should read "Instapundit Turns Five", since his 5th blogiversary is coming August 8th.

Oh well. No time for the backspace key. Besides, I'm sure the original title will be accurate eventually.

Meanwhile, I figured I should get the guy a thoughtful gift, so as to curry his favor, allowing me to betray him after he accepts me into his confidence. Knowing how busy Glenn is what with his blogging, podcasting, book-pimping, hobo-murdering, etc., I thought I'd get him "Executive Decision-Making Dice".

Since the traditional gift for a fifth anniversary is wood, and I figure Glenn's too busy to throw TWO dice, I'm going to hand-make him a wooden 12-sider. It's a work in progress, but here's what I've got so far:

(click to enlarge)

If you have any suggestions for the other six sides, let me know.

Comments (16)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 09:14 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) The Woodchippers is the name of the secret organization that Homer joined

2) What was Maggie's first word?

3) What was Lisa's first word as a baby?

4) Which actors from the original Star Trek series have lent their voices to Simpsons episodes?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (9)

August 03, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:39 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) Which regular Simpson character plays the saxaphone?

2) Which regular Simpson character re-enlisted in the Army?

3) Who saved Ned Flanders from ferocious baboons?

4) Which two regular Simpsons characters faked their own deaths?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

August 02, 2006

Israel's Top Secret War Plans - Revealed!

Posted by Harvey at 11:21 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Figured I should follow the lead of the New York Times and start revealing Israel's covert ops, since it's the hip & trendy thing to do when a nation battles terrorists:

---

* Use uncircumsized bullets - the full metal foreskin provides extra stopping-power.

* Secretly plant an anti-Semitic parrot in Mel Gibson's house to make him look bad.

* Refer to the terrorists as "tar babies". If they get offended, apologize by saying "We're sorry if our thick Israeli accents made you cry-babies misunderstand what we said."

* Use the Force.

* Develop new head-exploding sonic weapon that transmits a focused beam of Fran Drescher's hideous voice.

* Refuse to negotiate for the release of hostages, but hint that they might be willing to haggle a bit.

* Institute policy of deliberately targeting innocent Lebanese civilians who get paid by Hezbollah to fire rockets into Israel.

* Have IDF stop toying with the terrorists and switch their swords to their right hands.

* Threaten terrorists with ICBM's (Intercontinental Ballistic Mohels)

* As Arabs try to push Israel into the sea, back up real quick and laugh when they fall on their faces.

* Feed Popeye some spinach and tell him Bluto is holding Olive Oyl prisoner in Lebanon.

* Kill terrorists 9 at a time with Ginsu Menorah.

* Get Kos to pick the terrorists to win.

---

By the way, revealing these secrets does NOT make me a terrorist supporter. I just think the terrorists have "a right to know".

...how they're going to die.

Comments (10)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:31 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) The Big Scoop is the name of Springfield's newspaper

2) Why did the Simpsons go to New York City?

3) Where was the REAL Seymour Skinner all these years?

4) What is Chief Wiggum's wife's name?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (6)

August 01, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:50 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) In which foreign country did the Simpsons appear in a game show?

2) When Mr. Burns goes to Scotland, what does he bring back?

3) Which Simpsons character says he was once a watch commander at Pearl Harbor?

4) Name four of the six members of the Springfield chapter of Mensa.

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (7)

July 31, 2006

Fun Facts About Nevada

Posted by Harvey at 05:05 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be making a brief stop at a drive-thru Elvis wedding chapel as we cruise through Nevada. So let's get started...

Nevada became the 36th state on October 31st, 1864, and immediately joined the Civil War on the side of the West - which favored slavery, but opposed letting little girls from Kansas kill witches for their shoes.

The state bird of Nevada is the Mountain Bluebird. Despite their small size, they are amazingly strong and frequently seen working as casino bouncers.

The winner of the Nevada Governor's race is determined by a contest to see who can drink the most martinis without groping a waitress.

Which may explain why Schwarzenegger ran in California.

The first slot machine was invented in Reno, Nevada in 1899 by Charles Fey, who got the idea after spending an hour feeding coins into a broken Coke machine.

"Bertha, the Performing Elephant" entertained for 37 years at the Nugget Casino in Sparks, Nevada, which at the time billed itself as "Home of the World's Largest Stripper Pole".

Pershing County, Nevada has the only round courthouse in the US. This allows criminals to be strapped to the giant, floor-mounted, "Wheel O' Justice".

Nevada formally legalized gambling in the state in 1931 as part of a broad strategy aimed at stopping the flood of illegal Amish immigrants sneaking across their borders.

The state motto of Nevada is "WOO-HOO! Legal Hookers!"

Native to Death Valley, Nevada, the Kangaroo Rat can go its entire life without ever drinking. They are nicknamed "Kennedy Rats" for the same reason fat guys are nicknamed "Slim".

Wyatt Earp started his career as a lawman as Sheriff of Tonopah, Nevada. He was most famous for his OK Corrall gunfight against Kirk, Spock, Scotty, & McCoy.

The Icthyosaur was chosen as Nevada's state fossil in 2004, narrowly defeating the second-place choice of Don Rickles.

The bells in Austin, Nevada's St. Augustine church tower are rung by pulling a rope located in the men's restrooms. Which is slightly less bizarre than the condom dispensers in the confessionals.

Nevada takes its name from a Spanish word meaning "Which one's Siegfried?".

Nevada's climate encompasses both burning deserts and frozen mountain tops, which is why Nevada's license plates say "Nevada - it's like living in fried ice cream!".

Shrouded in mystery just outside of Rachel, Nevada, is the government installation known as "Area 51". What happens there is so Top Secret that not even the New York Times knows what's going on.

Either that, or leaking it won't aid any terrorists, so they just don't care.

Elko, Nevada hosts the annual Cowboy Poetry Gathering. First prize is a trip for two to Brokeback Mountain with the second-place winner.

Eccentric millionaire Howard Hughes bought numerous casinos in Nevada before his death in 1976. Although these purchases were considered highly speculative at the time, they were still more sensible than investing in caves and black tights like that lunatic, Bruce Wayne.

Nevada's gold mines produced over 7 million ounces of gold last year. If it were all hammered into fine gold leaf, it would be enough to completely cover a room the size of Donald Trump's ego.

Nevada has some 50,000 miles of paved roads. None of which can get an acting job after appearing in "Lethal Weapon 4".

Located 30 miles southeast of Las Vegas, Nevada, the Hoover Dam contains 3.25 billion cubic yards of concrete, and a couple of guys from Jersey who talked too much.

Nevada's State Highway 50 features a stretch of nearly 300 miles with no rest stops. While driving it, motorists are cautioned to ignore any signs offering "Free Bird Seed!" and to beware of falling coyotes.

Las Vegas, Nevada is home to an entire museum devoted to the life & times of Liberace. Who was NOT gay, despite the impression given by his noticable lisp, sequined fur-coats, and numerous sexual encounters with other men.

Camels were used as pack animals in Nevada until 1870, when they were finally freed from slavery by a smooth character named Joe.

Las Vegas, Nevada has more hotel rooms than any other city in the world, each containing a copy of the "Gideon's Bible - Texas Hold-'em Version".

The longest Morse Code telegram ever sent was the Nevada state consitution, sent from Carson City, Nevada, to Washington, D.C. in 1864. Inexplicably, it contained over 200 instances of the mysterious phrase, "Come onnnnnn, SEVEN!"

Andre Agassi was originally an Elvis impersonator in his home town of Las Vegas, Nevada, but moved on to professional tennis after realizing that he'd never be able to duplicate the King's fearsome backhand.

Construction worker hard hats were invented specifically for Hoover Dam workers in 1933, replacing the outdated protective measure of strapping an illegal Amish immigrant to your head.
---

That wraps up the Nevada edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be making that always-difficult choice between living free or dying as we take a look at New Hampshire.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go "ring St. Augustine's bells"... if ya know what I mean...

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Comments (7)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 06:49 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) In "Treehouse of Horror IX", which Simpson turns out to be half alien?

2) What species are Chirpy Boy and Bart Jr.?

3) Who are the disc jockeys at Springfield radio station KBBL 102.5?

4) When Abe Simpson went to the original Woodstock, who did he want to see perform?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

July 30, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 11:33 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Fat Tony is Springfield's main mobster

2) Who do Jimbo and Kearney usually hang around with?

3) Who won a lot of money in a lawsuit against Itchy & Scratchy studios?

4) Name the waiter Freddy Quimby is accused of attacking?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (6)

July 29, 2006

Brewmeister Glenn

Posted by Harvey at 11:59 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

I was browsing Instapundit and noticed that he recently took a trip to a brewery.

Odd... Glenn's into energy drinks, not alcohol...

Then I remembered how popular the Red Bull & Vodka mix is, and it occurred to me that Glenn might be arranging with the Downtown Grill & Brewery to start making some sort of puppy shake & beer hybrid.

Sure enough, I was right. Notice the label on that bottle near the bottom of the picture (circled in red):

(click to enlarge)

Here's a close-up:

(click to enlarge)

If you're out drinking in Knoxville, be sure to enunciate when you order your beer.

Comments (4)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 10:26 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) Who owns the only foundation repair company in Springfield?

2) Which singer helps Barney with his snow plow company advertising?

3) In "Homer's Triple Bypass", what does Barney think Homer is in the hospital for?

4) In "Marge Vs. The Monorail", who does Quimby think Leonard Nimoy is?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

July 28, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 11:18 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Mrs. Glick once cried, "I'm old and there's wolves after me!"

2) What is Smithers' first name?

3) When Krusty fakes his death, what is the name of the plane he crashed?

4) Where do the Simpson's move to avoid Sideshow Bob?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

July 27, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 10:45 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Today's Simpsons Trivia
(Introduction)

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1) (T/F) Bart saws off the head of Jebediah Springfield's statue?

2) Who teaches Marge how to bowl?

3) What is the name of Marge's bowling ball?

4) Homer gets in trouble when a picture is circulated with him and which exotic dancer?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

July 26, 2006

Profit & Loss... Mostly Loss

Posted by Harvey at 09:35 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

In a cost saving move, the New York Times will soon be printed on smaller sheets of newspaper, and will cut over 1000 jobs.

Apparently blabbing the details of secret anti-terrorism programs isn't the money-maker they thought it would be.

And this is only the beginning of the exciting changes at the Gray Harlot. A number of other cost-saving and revenue-enhancing moves are in the works:

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* Switching to discount brand "Gee, Your Whiz Smells Terrific!" urinal cakes.

* Eliminating wasteful i-dotting and t-crossing.

* Dumping over-paid reporters and getting news from know-it-all cab drivers.

* Instituting firm "no seconds" policy when hosting DNC fundraising dinners.

* Siphoning ink from New York Post printing presses.

* Hiring street-corner squeegee bums to clean the Times Building's windows, and cutting their harness ropes just as they finish the top floor.

* Switching reporters to a flat salary instead of the current pay-per-lie arrangement.

* Refinancing mortgage on the Times Building and paying off those high-interest Mob loans.

* Switching from regular printer's ink to much darker Hudson River water.

* Explaining to their paperboys that, for a mere $20 a week, they'll "make sure nuthin' bad happens to that nice little bike you're ridin'... which would be a shame".

* Using regular newsprint instead of that fancy, quilted kind.

* Stopping unrealistic "news stories unchallenged by bloggers for 30 minutes, or it's free!" ad campaign.

* Firing their fact-checkers. They just sit on the computer playing solitaire all day, anyhow.

* Cease using William Hung songs as subscription order line hold music.

* Waiting until Democratic candidate bribe checks actually clear the bank before giving endorsements.

* Replacing boring news stories with hilarious "Fun Facts About the 50 States" pieces.

* Which would also increase the paper's overall accuracy quotient.

* Saving on expensive photographer's fees by replacing pictures of President Bush with royalty-free chimpanzee clip-art.

* Replacing ink-wasting word "insurgents" with shorter "dudes".

* Three words - Arthur Andersen Accounting.

---

With these changes in place, the paper should be back on its feet, in the gutters, and raking muck in no time.

Comments (9)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:11 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) Sonny Storm is what kind of reporter in Springfield?

2) Who daydreams that Bart will someday become impaled on her Pulitzer Prize?

3) According to Apu, who designed Marge's hair?

4) What role does Homer get in the Springfield Bicentennial Parade?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

July 25, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:31 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Gabbo's show forced Krusty off the air

2) When Krusty got busted, what magazine called him "Krook Of The Year?"

3) Which author is sold at Books! Books! and Additional Books! by the pound?

4) When Homer thought he was dying, what was #10 on his things-to-do list?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

July 24, 2006

Fun Facts About Nebraska

Posted by Harvey at 05:34 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to take a corn-tastic trip to Nebraska, so let's get started...

Nebraska became the 37th state on March 1st, 1867. It would've become a state during the Civil War, but it was fat and wore glasses, so neither side wanted it on their team.

The state flower of Nebraska is goldenrod, which should not be confused with any similarly-sounding James Bond or Austin Powers movies.

The powdered soft drink Kool-Aid was invented in Hastings, Nebraska, and was originally sold by travelling salesmen who would kick down people's doors and shout, "OH YEAH!!!"

The tradition of planting trees on Arbor Day started in Nebraska City, Nebraska as a cheap way of marking the numerous graves of Kool-Aid salesmen.

The state motto of Nebraska is "Corn, college football, and... um... more corn".

40% of the munitions used in WWII had to be manufactured at the Naval Ammunition Depot in Hastings, Nebraska, since the rest of the state was rooting for Hitler.

The world's largest indoor rainforest is the Lied Jungle in Omaha, Nebraska, but it's currently closed to tourists because Daryl Hannah keeps climbing the trees and flinging poo at people.

Nebraska's Ogala aquifer is the world's largest underground water supply. It's estimated to contain about 800 million gallons of water - about the same as Natalie Maines.

Nebraska is the only state in the US with a unicameral (one house) legislature, which is currently evenly divided between the Feed Corn and Sweet Corn Parties.

Nebraska was the first state to complete its segment of the nation's Interstate Highway system, due to its citizens near-insatiable hunger for something to do besides watch the corn grow, i.e. watching concrete solidify.

Nebraska's phenomenal corn production is due to a combination of modern irrigation techniques and good old-fashioned human sacrifice.

The 9-1-1 emergency phone system was first developed in Lincoln, Nebraska as a replacement for their old emergency communications system of having hobbits light signal fires to call the Riders of Rohan.

Nebraska's famous landmark "Chimney Rock" was recently sold to the Pfizer corporation and is now known as "Viagra Point".

Omaha, Nebraska is home to the world's largest coffee pot. While there, remember to tip the world's largest waitress.

Kearny, Nebraska is located exactly halfway between Boston and San Francisco. This does NOT make it homophobic. Don't be so sensitive.

Marlon Brando's mother gave Henry Fonda acting lessons at the Omaha Community Playhouse. Unfortunately, she neglected to give him lessons on raising kids not to be commie-loving traitors.

The world's largest Wooly Mammoth specimen was found in Lincoln County, Nebraska. If its skin were stretched to its full size, it would cover enough area to make a thong for Michael Moore.

The Mutual of Omaha Insurance Company's corporate office has 7 full floors of underground offices, in one of which the Architect awaits Neo.

The Nebraska Cornhuskers college football team made a NCAA record 35 consecutive bowl appearances. 36, if you count the "Still Looking For A Corporate Sponsor - [Your Name Here] Bowl".

The world's first college course about Rush Limbaugh is taught at Nebraska's Bellvue University. Topics include "Barking Moonbats - When To Hang Up" and "Things Not To Take On A Plane".

Nebraska gets its name from the Oto Indian word "nee-ba-sah", meaning "Are you SURE we're not still in Iowa?".

The world's largest porch swing is located in Hebron, Nebraska. It can seat 25 adults, or Michael Moore in a Wooly Mammoth thong.

The Fur Trading Museum is located near Blair, Nebraska. Just take Highway 75 north from Omaha, then follow the wet pelt smell.

The University of Nebraska - Lincoln campus boasts America's largest weight room. It covers 3/4 of an acre and is currently celebrating its second full day of being steroid-free.

Oops... Nevermind...

Nebraska's 1986 Governor's race was the first in the nation to feature two women running against each other. Sadly, the final vote tally was not close enough to trigger the Jello-wrestling tie-breaker.

Buffalo Bill held his first rodeo in North Platte, Nebraska, which - contrary to popular rumor - was NOT catered by Hannibal Lecter.

Father Edward Flanagan founded Boys Town in Omaha, Nebraska, in 1917. To this day, it remains one of the few places in America not infected with girl-cooties.

Dancer Fred Astaire was born in Omaha, Nebraska, although he had to leave the city after Ginger Rogers gave him cooties.

Gerald Ford was born in Omaha, Nebraska, and was the only US President to hold the office without having been elected to it - blatherings by Gore and Kerry to the contrary notwithstanding.

---

That wraps up the Nebraska edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week it's all about the drinkin', gamblin', and whorin', because we're off to Nevada.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch some concrete solidify... WOO-HOO!!!

« Close It

Comments (15)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:33 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) The Simpsons move to Capital City so Dancin' Homer can be the baseball team's mascot

2) Bart is pitted against who in a miniature golf tournament?

3) Bart says that nothing can upset him or Lisa, because they're part of what generation?

4) In "Homer the Vigliante", the guy who drives into a river is a parody of who?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (7)

July 23, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 10:03 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Conan O'Brien was a writer/producer of The Simpsons who went on to host his own late-night talk show

2) Which breed of dog is Santa's Little Helper?

3) The Angel Skeleton was sent by who?

4) For what comic strip was Matt Groening known before he created the Simpsons?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

For those who don't like Simpsons trivia, just be grateful that it's not an Yvonne's Ashes revival.

Comments (5)

July 22, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:56 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) From where did Homer get his new name, Max Power?

2) In "Simpson's Bible Stories", who played Pharoh?

3) What is the name of the secret machine that truckers use to drive their rigs?

4) Who is Mr. Burns behind on the Most Popular Billionaire's List?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Meanwhile, if you don't know the answers, but you remember the episode, feel free to reminisce about other parts of it.

Comments (18)

July 21, 2006

Glenn Reynolds - Legal Geniousness

Posted by Harvey at 04:50 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

You may not know this, but before blackmailing his way into a tenured position as a law professor at the University of Tennessee, Glenn Reynolds was head of his own law firm (Reynolds, Duzzy, Cheatham and Howe). Some accomplishments of note during those years include:

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* Modified a GPS device to home in on ambulance sirens.

* Pioneered the "I'm not wearing a tie at all!" defense, later made famous by Lionel Hutz.

* Pioneered the rhyming defense (later made famous by Johnny Cochran) for the Rodney King beating case: "Because they're white, what they did was all right".

* Discovered flaws in Einstein's Theory of Relativity, thus making the 48-billable-hours day possible.

* Whipped up puppy smoothies during trials so as to make his clients appear comparatively less heinous.

* Installed irritating extra-buzzy flourescent lights at the office. Giggled as the number of workplace shooting incidents skyrocketed.

* Got the Scopes monkey acquitted on appeal.

* Successfully sued himself for sexual harrassment based on several incidents of staring, pointing, and laughing at his wang in the restroom.

* Took malfunctioning office fax machine out into a field and smashed it with a baseball bat as seen in Michael Moore's documentary "Office Space 9/11".

* Improved collection rates on overdue Accounts Receivable by feeding deadbeat clients to carnivorous office plants.

* Improved courtroom win-loss record by doing the same with prosecuting attorneys.

* Stopped filing "frivolous" lawsuits. Started filing "Super Happy Lucky Fun" lawsuits.

* Saved thousands of dollars in contempt-of-court fines by installing covert "witness teleprompters" in his eyeglasses.

* Cut jury-tampering expenses by 91.6% by switching to judge-tampering.

* Won a hefty alimony settlement for Michael Jackson's old nose when it divorced his face.

* Linked to every legal brief ever filed by Ann Althouse.

* Cleared President Bush of slander charges by proving that New York Times reporter Adam Clymer really WAS a major-league a**hole.

---

Rumor has it that he'll be back in the courtroom soon defending John Bolton's moustache for beating the crap out of Kofi Annan, but that's just sheer speculation at this point.

Comments (4)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 09:25 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) When Homer owes Patty and Selma money, he takes a second job as a limousine driver

2) Where does Bart write, "Don't Tread On Me" in defiance of the Australians?

3) Who is the US Undersecretary of State to Australia for International Protocol?

4) Which old mob boss threatens to kill Homer and Krusty if they don't do a certain clown trick?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

July 20, 2006

Podcast Eulogy

Posted by Harvey at 08:30 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The Order of the Blue Square posts as follows:

IMAO podcasts are a thing of the past.

In order to properly to say goodbye to what was once a monument of conservative wit, the Order of the Blue Square, along with Shoot a Liberal, is asking you to prepare your own eulogy for the IMAO podcast. They can be of any length and should preferrably be funny, as I'm sure the IMAO podcast would want, were it still with us.

Please e-mail me at thebluesquare@gmail.com or leave a comment with the permalink to your eulogy by July 27, and be sure to tell all your blogging friends. (I haven't set up trackbacks yet, sorry.) If you don't have a blog, just write it up, e-mail me, and I'll post it here.

On July 28, we will hold a funeral for the IMAO podcast, listing all of the eulogies you have written.

Personally, I don't see what the fuss was all about. It was just idiots with microphones, and one hot chick doing some sound editing.

But go ahead & participate if you'd like.

After all, if Family Guy can be brought back due to public outcry, maybe there's still hope for the podcast...

Comments (21)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:02 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Spike is the name of Homer's helper monkey

2) Homer commands a submarine when he joins what military organization?

3) When Jasper is frozen at the Kwik-E-Mart, what does Apu rename him?

4) Who is the former sanitation commissioner that Homer replaced?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

By the way, if some smartypants wrecks it all by giving the correct answers 2 minutes after this post goes up, feel free to reminisce about the other parts of the episode in question.

Like "Before I saw him appear as the sanitation commissioner, I *really* thought Steve Martin had been dead for years... Guess that was just his career I was thinking of..."

Comments (13)

July 19, 2006

My Fault For Not Reading The Fine Print

Posted by Harvey at 10:59 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

For some reason, I was always under the impression that the protections afforded to prisoners of war under the Geneva Convention treaty only applied to uniformed soldiers fighting for countries that signed the treaty.

Apparently you don't have to sign the treaty.

Or wear a uniform.

But who am I to question? The courts have reached deeply into this mysterious document and discovered rights for terrorists like Lance Burton yanking doves out of his ass.

I suppose the next time the question comes up, they'll find that terrorists have the right to:

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* A box of sand so they won't get homesick. Used kitty litter is not an acceptable substitute.

* A supportive visit from Cindy Sheehan (non-conjugal), and a bite of her vanilla fast cream.

* A supportive visit from a goat (conjugal).

* A cell phone to vote for the "America's Got Talent" contestant of their choice and/or trigger an IED.

* A gasoline-soaked American flag and a Zippo.

* Only be forced to make license plates if they say "I H8 USA".

* A Rock hammer and a poster of Raquel Welch.

* An iPod loaded with that hideous, screechy, wailing music they like. Anything by Kenny G will do.

* Soprano sax?... Dude... that is TOTALLY gay.

* A turban, or at least a stylin' fedora.

* Weekly viewings of "Team America: World Police" so that they can hear someone speaking in their native tongue.

* Access to the Bush Administration's top secret war plans. A New York Times subscription is also acceptable.

* A Koran, a prayer mat, and a Jew to blame all their problems on.

* A replacement Jew if that one gets blown up.

---

I'm pretty sure that they're also entitled to a bullet in the head, and I think it's a shame our troops didn't provide that a LONG time ago.

Comments (8)

At Least It's Not For Testicular Cancer

Posted by Harvey at 08:24 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

7-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong was recently quoted as saying about the French soccer team:

"All their players tested positive... for being arseholes."

Hold your applause...

When later asked if he regretted making the statement, he replied:

"No, I don't regret it."

NOW you can applaud.

While you're doing that, you can check this list of the top 10 other things the French have tested positive for:

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10) Cowardice

9) Nazi complicity

8) Cheese

7) Snotty waiters

6) Wine

5) Whine

4) Black market Iraqi oil

3) Peculiar odors

2) The Holy Grail

And the #1 thing the French have tested positive for

1) Teenagers who are too lazy to work, but not too lazy to riot.

Comments (12)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:01 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) Who played Homer in the film, "Homer S: Portrait of an Ass Grabber"?

2) What is the name of the hockey team Bart is on?

3) In "The Springfield Connection", what kind of soup does Marge say is pretty exciting?

4) Bart says that after he dies, he wants to be reincarnated as what?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

July 18, 2006

President Bush's Top 10 Off-Mic Comments

Posted by Harvey at 11:19 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Like a schoolyard snitch breathlessly squealing to a teacher, CNN reported with wide, excited eyes that President Bush used "the S word" when he mistakenly thought he had a little privacy.

Oddly, he wasn't using it to describe the quality of CNN's reporting.

Meanwhile, here are the top 10 other things that President Bush has said when he thought the microphone was off:

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10) "I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?"

9) "Why yes, the presidential limo DOES have a hemi."

8) "Sure, I've nailed my share of interns, but at least they weren't rolling-roundies like that Stay-Puft Marshmallow Girl of Clinton's."

7) "Seriously, I've been ringside. There's nothing fake about WWE".

6) "Hey Tony, can you move your f***in' Dumbo ears out of the way so that I can get by?"

5) "'Nuc-u-lar' is TOO a word. It's in the dictionary right before 'potatoe'."

4) "My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Iran forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.... OOPS! Forgot about the time difference... we began bombing five hours ago."

3) "Well, from what I understand, it's actually a soquid that you eat with a fpoon."

2) "So Laura... how 'bout we blow this joint & go home for a little game of 'heiress and the pool boy'?"

And the #1 thing that President Bush has said when he thought the microphone was off:

1) "Neither. I wear thongs."

Comments (13)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:39 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) King Toot's is the name of the music store next to Moe's Tavern

2) Principal Skinner has a picture of what hanging opposite his desk in his office?

3) What is the name of Fat Tony's establishment?

4) Who are Fat Tony's two main henchmen?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

July 17, 2006

Fun Facts About Montana

Posted by Harvey at 09:12 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be finding out what it's like to live 200 miles from your nearest neighbor as we visit Montana, so let's get started...

Montana became the 41st state on November 8th, 1889. It was originally settled by a herd of moose who eventually lost the territory to white settlers in a poker game.

Seems that moose always twitch their antlers when they're bluffing.

The first large-scale vigilante force was formed to police the lawless Montana Territory in 1884. That year, 35 head of cattle were executed for rustling themselves.

Montana's nickname is "The Nervous Sheep State".

It was legal to drink while driving in Montana until October 1, 2005, when the Kennedy Prevention Act was finally passed.

The Bitterroot is the state flower of Montana. The root is so bitter that eating it is actually forbidden by law, lest the person eating it turn into a Democrat.

After years of Montana having no speed limit on its highways, it was finally set at 65mph in 1999, effectively killing the state's antelope drag-racing industry.

In Butte, Montana, it's legal to shoot anyone who deliberately mispronounces the city's name and giggles.

Montana is believed to have the largest grizzly bear population in the US, although the number may include some of the local women who were counted by mistake.

The state song of Montana is "What's That Bear Doing In The Woods?"

Montana gets its name from the Spanish word for "moose chalupa".

The state tree of Montana is the Ponderosa Pine, which has a much better salad bar than the Bonanza Pine.

The state bird of Montana is the Meadowlark, which terroizes the skies above the state's human residents much as their prehistoric pteradactyl ancestors did.

The Montana Yogo Sapphire is the only North American gem included in the Crown Jewels of England, except for the Texas Yee Haw Diamond.

In 1888, Helena, Montana, had more millionaires per capita than any other city in the world. In 1889, God sent a plague of elk to devour them all for their sinful ways.

The population density of Montana is 6 people per square mile. About the same as a Dixie Chicks concert.

The first bobsled track in North America was built at Lolo Pass, Montana in 1965 in the hopes that it would enable the American Olympic team to finally defeat those feisty Jamaicans.

Combination, Comet, Keystone, and Pony are some of the quaintly-named Montana ghost towns from which the Brady Bunch have successfully escaped.

Virginia City, Montana was founded in 1863 and has remained completely unchanged for the last 100 years, much like the Democratic Party.

The highest point in Montana is Granite Peak, which stands 12,799 feet tall, give or take a mountain goat.

The world's largest glacier is in Montana's Glacier National Park, where it has been carefully preserved inside the world's largest glass of Scotch.

Glacier National Park also boasts the world's most elaborate security system, which was specifically designed to keep Ted Kennedy out.

The mountains of Montana have yielded a treasure trove of prehistoric artifacts over the years, including dinosaur eggs, and a speech by Howard Dean from his sane period.

The Battle of Little Bighorn National Monument is located just south of Billings, Montana, and marks the spot where General Custer and his men were slaughtered by Plains Indians for not tipping their waitresses at the casino.

The "Going to the Sun Road" in Glacier Park, Montana, is considered one of the most scenic drives in America, second only to New Jersey's "Toxic Waste Trail".

The state motto of Montana is "Oro y Plata" - meaning "gold and silver" - which was selected in 1890 by then-governor Yukon Cornelius.

In Montana, the elk, deer, and antelope populations outnumber the humans, but they are not allowed to vote because of Apartheid.

To this day, Nelson Mandelka remains a political prisoner in Billings.

The Roe River near Great Falls, Montana, is the world's shortest river. At 58 feet, it's 10 feet shorter than the drool-trail left typically left by Michael Moore while entering a McDonald's.

Motorcyle daredevil Evel Knievel was born in Butte, Montana. Despite his many legendary stunts, he never did manage to make it across Springfield Gorge on his skateboard.

---

That wraps up the Montana edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll likely be murdered by feral Corn-Children as we visit Nebraska.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get a Moose Chalupa.

« Close It

Comments (9)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:03 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) In "Simpsons Bible Stories", Nelson plays the part of Goliath

2) What is Reverend Lovejoy's first name?

3) At what restaurant does Homer have a beef eating contet with Red Barclay?

4) After she gets her new Canyonero, Marge develops a serious case of what?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

July 16, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 10:21 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Mrs. Withoutadoubt is the magical nanny who comes to take care of the Simpsons

2) Who is the Cat Burglar?

3) According to the sign at Springfield Airport, it is the birthplace of what?

4) Homer and Mr. Burns get trapped in a snowbound cabin on what mountain?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

July 15, 2006

The Insta-Mailbag

Posted by Harvey at 01:13 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Like Michelle Malkin, Glenn Reynolds gets his fair share of venomous missives from unbalanced readers.

Unlike Michelle Malkin, surprisingly few of them are crude slurs about being a woman or a minority. Most of it is revolves around a perceived dearth of Instalanching, like this typical example:

"Why won't you link me??? Why don't you answer my e-mails??? After all the cool links I've sent you, you OWE ME!!! I HATE YOU!!! You're a stink-butt poopy-head, that's what you are!!!

Your #1 Fan,
Frank J.

PS You can make it up to me by linking this cool post I did on the Semite menace."

Aside from the "where's my link?" theme, however, the rest of his mail tends to fall into one of the several categories listed below:

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* Korean restaurants complaining that the last meat shipment tasted more like Labradoodle than Shih Tzu, despite what the shipping manifest said.

* Cease & Desist orders from the Precious Moments people regarding his line of "Satanic Moments" figurines - especially that "Hobo, Bloody Hobo", which is particularly nastly.

* PeTA (People Eating Tasty Animals) berating Glenn for drinking animals, which is just sick and inhumane.

* Long, obscenity-laced screeds from angry mothers who bought Glenn's adult movie "Tramp of the Penguins" by mistake.

* The American Nudist Association trying to talk Glenn into joining their "Best of Blogging" organization: "Sleeping Naked Media".

* Rejection letters from Fox saying they're STILL not interested in producing his show "So You Think You Can Robot Dance".

* University of Tennessee frat boys sending death threats for selling them fake Spanish Fly. Usually containing the line "You said these were spurious. They didn't spur her on at all!".

* E-mails addressed to "Professor Reynolds" wanting to know if he ever nailed Ginger while he was stuck on that island.

* Or Gilligan.

---

Of course, the most common category is requests for tips on how to punch Frank J.

Usually from Laurence Simon.

Comments (8)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 11:36 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Mrs. Orangepeel is Bart's teacher

2) Who is Lisa's teacher?

3) What was the title of the only "Adventures Of Ned Flanders" short ever aired?

4) What unusual feature do Marge's feet have?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (4)

July 14, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 09:48 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Patty and Selma's front room corner lamp is shaped like a barn

2) What is the "Latin" slogan on Mayor Quimby's mayoral seal?

3) What car did Patty and Selma drive after high school?

4) What is Patty and Selma's apartment number?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

July 13, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 07:52 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Larry is Mr. Burns' son

2) Who sells a monorail to Springfield?

3) In "And Maggie Makes Three", Marge says which TV character sets a bad example?

4) What isn't allowed at the vacation spot Smithers goes to?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (2)

July 12, 2006

The Continuing Madness of Kim Jong Il

Posted by Harvey at 03:29 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

So last week, North Korea launched some missiles, called the tests "a success" when one of the missile crashed into the sea after 42 seconds, declared that they have a right to ICBM's, and demanded one-on-one negotiations with the US.

Throwing things, lying, whining, crying... this isn't a nation, it's a tantruming toddler.

And like a toddler, North Korea and it's freakishly coiffed Grand Poobah of the Sacred Monkey Lodge (or whatever the hell his title is) will probably indulge in other bizarre behaviors designed to get attention. I speculate thusly on what Kim Jong Il might do:

---

Order pictures of a bikini-clad Helen Thomas to be painted on the noses of all North Korean fighter jets.

Change the country's name to "North Koran" to get more foreign aid from Muslim countries.

Accidentally drop his glasses in the toilet, then declare it to be a successful test of North Korea's "waterproof spectacle" technology.

Order airbags installed on all North Korean citizens to protect them from falling rocket chunks.

Tout Communism's documented success as a weight-loss plan. Move over Atkins!

Start doing press conferences in his bathrobe, which will keep "accidentally" falling open.

Actually read the Pajamas Media blog on a day when he hasn't been linked by it.

Call psychic hotlines and demand one-on-one negotiations with Miss Cleo.

Grow a matching poofy Hitler moustache.

Blame widespread starvation on an Internet Explorer security flaw.

Attempt to re-start production of the Edsel.

Attend official state military parades wearing a Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts, black socks, and sandals.

Start answering the phone with "Ahoy-hoy?".

Teach the North Korean negotiating team the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

Order his army into South Korea. When South Korea complains, he'll look surprised, smack his forehead, and say "I knew I should've had them take that left turn at Albuquerque!".

Shoot Superman in the eye just to watch the bullet bounce.

Call President Bush "an iron-willed, straight-shooting cowboy who doesn't take crap from anyone" in a tone of voice suggesting that it was an insult, then giggle when Bush looks confused.

Break wind, then say loudly, "I AM FARTICUS!".

Only appear in public wearing a coonskin cap.

Wait... I'm sorry, that's actually his hair. Nevermind.

Claim that he can't help his war-like ways, because he was orphaned as a baby and raised by wild landmines in the DMZ.

---

If we're REALLY lucky, he might hire Bill Keller as his head of national security, but that's probably just wishful thinking on my part.

Comments (10)

Where's My Sign?

Posted by Harvey at 09:14 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

It's always struck me as markedly unfair that smelly hippies have a peace sign, yet fans of mindless violence like myself have no war sign.

Unless we DO have one and no one told me. I've missed a few of the meetings.

Any suggestions for a good war sign?

Comments (18)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:19 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) The Puma is the Springfield Elementary mascot

2) In "Lisa the Greek", what perfume is in a bottle shaped like The Oscar?

3) In "Bart the Lover", what were the names of the two fish Bart killed?

4) What song displaces "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" from the #1 spot?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

July 11, 2006

Hey! That Stopped Clock Is Right!

Posted by Harvey at 12:41 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Remember those 500 chemical weapons that we've found in Iraq since 2003?

It just occurred to me... the anti-war nuts were right.

Inspections DO work if you give them enough time.

Comments (6)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:06 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) What kind of footwear does Grampa usually sport?

2) What hangs on the wall directly to the right of the refrigerator in the Simpson's kitchen?

3) Who helps Troy McClure in many of his educational films?

4) Charlie, who works at the power plant, has a sister with what sort of handicap?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

July 10, 2006

Fun Facts About Missouri

Posted by Harvey at 10:13 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time throw empty Bud cans at those pathetic Royals, because we're headed to Missouri, so let's get started...

Missouri became the 24th state on August 10th, 1821. It was originally admitted to the Union as a "slave" state, but eventually exchanged slavery for the slightly-less-evil institution of Country music.

The state bird of Missouri is the Bluebird, which - unlike its cousin, the Swallow - CAN fly while grasping a coconut by the husk.

Missouri has the second best educational system in the U.S. It WOULD be first, but for the fact that they fail to teach their kids that there's no "r" in "wash".

Missouri was named after the Missouri indian tribe, whose name means "seriously, there's no 'ah' at the end... idiots..."

Missouri's nickname is "The Pronouncing Invisible Letters State".

The state flag of Missouri originally only featured two bears on it. A third, smaller bear was later added to make the flag "juuuuuust right".

Missouri's license plates contain the motto "Show Me". They should not be confused with Louisiana's license plates, which say "Show Me Your Boobs".

Baseball coach Yogi Berra was born in St. Louis, Missouri, and is famous for his quaint, mixed-metaphor sayings, like "It ain't over till the clip's empty".

The state insect of Missouri is the honeybee, which is usually served deep-fried and sprinkled on waffles.

The crinoid became Missouri's state fossil after a group of students at Lee's Summit high school conducted an experiment to see how much is costs to bribe a state legislature.

Ten thousand dollars, a case of whiskey, and a dozen hookers, if you're curious.

The capitol building in Jefferson City, Missouri burned to the ground in 1911 after being struck by lightning during an attempt to make a DeLorean travel through time.

Kansas City, Missouri, has more miles of boulevards than Paris, but fewer German armies have marched down them.

The Gateway Arch is located in St. Louis, Missouri, and was originally the symbol for the now-defunct NcDonald's restaurant chain.

Aunt Jemima Pancake Flour was invented in St. Joseph, Missouri, and was the first commercially successful self-rising flour. It was followed by the less-well-received "Uncle Tom Cake Mix" and "Jungle Bunny Pie Crust".

Springfield, Missouri, was founded by a group of tourists who got lost on the way to Branson.

Carthage, Missouri, is home to the Precious Moments Chapel, a museum filled with adorable porcelain bisque figurines of big-eyed children, featuring such titles as "Mommy's Been Drinking Again" and "Please, Daddy, Not The Belt!"

Weldon Springs, Missouri, is the site of the Nuclear Waste Adventure Trail and Museum. While there, be sure to try the Paint Chip Nachos.

The "Elvis is Alive Museum" can be found in Wright City, Missouri. It's conveniently located between the "Al Gore Won" and "Michael Moore Would Recognize Truth If It Jumped Up And Bit Him In the Ass" Museums.

Black inventor George Washington Carver was born in Diamond Grove, Missouri, and is proof that black people used to be able to become famous for something other than sports and political activism.

President Harry S Truman was born in Lamar, Missouri. The "S" stands for "so let's nuke the Japs".

Rush Limbaugh was born in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, where he got his start in radio by beating up liberal talk show hosts and stealing their lunch money.

Author Mark Twain was born in Florida, Missouri, where the rumors of his death are no longer greatly exaggerated.

Outlaw Jesse James was born in Centerville, Missouri, and was known as "the most dangerous man in America". At least until Rush Limbaugh got his first radio job.

Iced tea was invented at the St. Louis World's Fair in 1904 as a method of frightening away the stuffy and annoying British tourists.

Seriously... what's the point of hot tea, anyway? It's like drinking boiled Kool-Aid.

The ice cream cone was also invented at the 1904 World's Fair, after an ice cream vendor discovered that all of his paper cups had been destroyed by a mysterious virus.

Probably of British origin.

Anheuser-Busch of St. Louis, Missouri, is the world's largest brewery. In 1872, they patented their secret formula for "Alco-swill", which was later re-named "Budweiser" for marketing reasons.

Robert Wadlow - who was the world's tallest man at 8 feet 11 inches - was born in St. Louis, Missouri. His "Where's Wadlow" line of children's books was a dismal failure.

"Wild Kingdom" host Marlin Perkins was born in Carthage, Missouri. He gained fame documenting his travels around the world as he searched for new and exotic toppings for Imo's Pizza.

---

That wraps up the Missouri edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be redlining down 7,000 miles of copless interstates as we tour Montana.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go grab me a can of Alco-swill.

Hey... it's after 5pm somewhere...

« Close It

Comments (12)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:11 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Moe calls a garage a "car hole"

2) Because he's late for school on the day P.E. classes are picked, what class does Bart have to take?

3) What is the title of Apu's entry into the Springfield Film Festival?

4) What is the title of Barney's entry into the Springfield Film Festival?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (8)

July 09, 2006

IMAO 4th Blogiversary Roast of Frank J. - UPDATED 7-10-06

Posted by Harvey at 01:54 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

July 9th, 2002:

Hooray! A new blog! There's lots of stuff I felt like spouting off about, so here I am. Just as a warning, everything written here is in the most unrefined form and should not be used as an actual opinion.

July 7th 2006:

Also, since a few people have asked, the next part of Hellbender will come out Monday. This part takes some planning, and, rather than rush it, I decided to leave it until next week.

Glad to see Frank J. hasn't lost his talent for telling us what he's going to write about instead of just... you know... writing about it.

Well, since Frank J. isn't going to bother writing anything, let's see how those who are less lazy - and less Frank J. - are celebrating the most important date in Florida's history since the recount was invented:

---

The Blue Square suggests that Frank J.'s legendary animosity toward the Puppy Blender may be just a case of projection:
"So, Hitler was gay, Saddam is a nice guy inside, and, even worse, Frank J. blends puppies."

Psycho's Secret Asylum praises Frank J.'swit and handsomeness :
"fortunately for him he has a face made for blogging"

Well... his wit, anyway.

Remulak of The MoxArgon Group was going to just say nice things about Frank J, but decided to recap Frank J.'s life story instead, since:
"everybody else has probably used up all the most descriptive words like annoying, humourless, no-talent, time-wasting hack"

Vox Popular points out that in addition to Frank's many fine qualities as a human being, he also gives back to the community:
"Without him, who would the makers of transsexual Romanian midget goat porn look down on?"

Passionate America traces Frank J.'s evolution from abandoned orphan-waif...:
"Frank killed his first hippie on his 14th birthday, in a fight over a warm ketchup packet and a half eaten pizza crust."
...into a man who finally answers his heart's true calling:
"This is what I was put on this earth to do, punch liberals in their dumb monkey faces."

The Kag Report takes a closer look at Frank J. and makes several shocking discoveries, including:
"If you rearrange the letters F-R-A-N-K-J you get JFK RAN, which is obviously a plea to return to the glory days of the Democratic Party, so FrankJ is a closeted liberal."

Case Notes from the Artsy Asylum refuses to commit anything to writing, but instead settles for making some insinuations in the comments to this post.

Blogless Reader HKPistole gives Frank J. an honor which I've yet to receive myself:
"You may inform FrankJ that I've named my .44Mag Super Blackhawk after him... it was either that or rename Betty (my AR)..."

Although I've heard a rumor that Frank J. once pointed to something Rowdi did on the carpet and said my name, so I guess that counts as an honor.

Ben's Rants and Raves points out the obviously and overwhelming evidence proving Frank J.'s liberalism, including:
"...cats do nothing but lay around the house all day. In fact, by owning and feeding cats, Frank J. is promoting a welfare society."

GEBIV of There's One, Only! has a wide assortment of Fun Facts to help clarify your misconceptions about Frank J., including:
"Frank J's site should not be confused with IMOW or IMOE. Which are, respectively, about lawn care and the leader of The Three Stooges."

Shoot a Liberal is certain that Frank J. is just faking the whole neo-con thing:
"Frank J. is no more a conservative than Michael Moore is a fashion model."

Conservathink ponders on the origins of Frank J's blogging:
"A horrid force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and suddenly silenced, swept through the world, snuffing out the lives of countless monkeys."

I (Harvey, posting from Bad Example) give you a brief glimpse of what it's like to be part of the IMAO team and to work for the Imperial Humor Master, Frank J.:
"When Frank J. refers to the "IMAO Editorial Board", he's actually talking about the two by four that he beats us with while screaming "WRITE FUNNIER!""

Reader Silicon Valley Jim e-mails:
I've been a regular reader of IMAO for about three years now. It always brightens my day. No matter how bad I feel, IMAO cheers me up. Laughter is important, and Frank, from puppy-blending to the President in Curious George pajamas, has made me laugh, day after day. Happy fourth anniversary, and best wishes for many more.

UPDATE 7-10-06: Fellow IMAO serf Spacemonkey of insists that Frank isn't a tight-fisted cheap-ass, he's just frugal:
"Well I'll tell you, for several months when pay day has come around I've received a full envelope from Frank J. It's my pay and it's coupons for a variety of bladder control products."

---

The following are some random pictures, courtesy of SarahK, which I've numbered so that you can caption them in the comments and show Frank J. how much you love him.

Or love to make fun of him. Same thing.

---

#1:

"Hmmm... if I put this sunscreen on my socks, maybe they'll stay blinding white like my skin."

#2:

Frank J. toils in service to his feline master

#3:

"I'm Dan Rather and I guarantee that these memos are GENUINE!"

#4:

Frank J. wrote, directed, and starred in this... *ahem*... completely original film: "The Good, The Bad, and the Frankly".

#5:

"I stood behind my beloved Frank J., wishing that I knew how to quit him"

#6:

Too drunk to give a crap what happened to his shaker of salt.

#7:

Prototype of Frank J.'s "inflatable breast implants", which are expected to hit the market this fall.

#8:

Go away, or Frank J. will taunt you a second time.

#9:

"When I'm not battling Agent Smith in the Matrix, I like to enjoy the cold, refreshing taste of Coca-Cola."

#10:

In an emotional homecoming, Frank J. visits the plant where he was originally manufactured.

#11:

After hearing yet again "not tonight dear, I've got a headache", Frank J. finally snaps and wishes SarahK into the cornfield.

#12:

Pump!... You up!

#13:

"eight... nine... TEN thigh-holsters! I'm SOOOOO in love with this woman!"

#14:

In yet another revenue generating scheme, Frank J. started selling text ad space in his vacation pictures.

#15:

True or False?: Frank J. is wearing pants in this picture.

#16:

Frank J. relaxes backstage between acts during his performance in "The Birdcage".

#17:

Common ninja errors: adding bleach to a load of black pajamas in an effort to remove bloodstains.

#18:

"I'm gonna flip out... like a ninja... because that's... what ninjas do"

#19:

Frank J. and SarahK read the "IMAO 4th Blogiversary Roast of Frank J." post.

---

I assume those are looks of approval.

If I missed your entry or there's a typo or broken permalink, please leave a comment, or e-mail to roastfrankj@gmail.com

Comments (11)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 10:57 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) The classic science fiction movie "Planet of the Apes" was turned into a stage musical starring Troy McClure

2) In "A Fish Called Selma," Troy starts dating Selma to cover up his fetish for what?

3) What brand of beer do they drink in Shelbyville?

4) Who does Mother Simpson's false I.D. from Tennessee say she is?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (3)

July 08, 2006

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 10:53 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) "The Spine Melter 2000" is a vibrating reclining chair

2) What's the name of the country-western comedy show that guest-starred Lurleen Lumpkin?

3) Where was Lurleen Lumpkin working when Homer discovered her?

4) How did Selma permanently lose her senses of taste and smell?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

July 07, 2006

Like the T-shirt Says

Posted by Harvey at 12:49 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

We Remember

7-7-05

Comments (6)

Needs More Barbeque Sauce

Posted by Harvey at 12:48 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Final reminder: The IMAO 4th Blogiversary Frank J. Roast Round-up is coming Sunday

Put your permalink in the comments, or e-mail to roastfrankj@gmail.com by 11:59 pm Saturday, July 8th

If you do a really good job, Frank might even name one of his guns after you.

Comments (2)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 11:51 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) (T/F) Freddy is Mayor Quimby's nephew

2) Where does Homer like to buy his donuts?

3) Who said, "I'm going to do what Bart should have told me to do a long time ago"?

4) What is school cafeteria gravy made out of?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (6)

July 06, 2006

Meanwhile in Iraq

Posted by Harvey at 03:59 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(click to enlarge)

Security was ramped up as a precaution after New York Times reporters were sighted in the area. Unfortunately, the German Shepherd was actually Bill Keller in a dog suit.

[Pic via CENTCOM]

Comments (4)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 09:17 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) Who is the president of Itchy & Scratchy Studios?

2) What's the slogan for Fire Safety Day at Springfield Elementary?

3) According to Smithers, how many little jobs does he do for Mr. Burns?

4) Which U.S. President did Burns' mother have an affair with?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (5)

July 05, 2006

Half-Assed Protests

Posted by Harvey at 10:20 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Cindy Sheehan & Code Pink have started their "Bring the Troops Home Fast", where - in exchange for the following demands:

* The withdrawal of all U.S. from Iraq;

* No permanent bases in Iraq;

* A commitment to fund a massive reconstruction effort but with funds going to Iraqi, not U.S., contractors.

they promise to eat regular meals.

Amusingly, Sheehan's idea of a "fast" isn't the normal one of "no food, just water". It's "a diet of water, teas and juices". Possibly the occasional Wendy's Frostie, too, although I don't know if soquids are allowed.

And for those who aren't even willing to give up solid foods - no problem! You can join in the "rolling fast", where you only stop eating on designated days. Yes, you too can share quality hunger-time with such celebrities as Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, Danny Glover, Willie Nelson and the Rev. Al Sharpton.

"Stop eating on a designated day"? Guess what, Lefty Idiots, that's not fasting, that's DIETING. Of course "Bring the Troops Home Diet" just doesn't have that martyr-like ring to it.

I imagine, however that this "fasting with food" concept will probably inspire other weak, watered-down protest efforts that require no real sacrifice and have catchy names and the phrase "for the Troops" added so it sounds like they're doing something noble. Maybe protests like:

---

Poop for the Troops - Use the toilet but refuse to flush.

Death March for the Troops - Don't use your remote control. Walk up to the TV and change channels manually.

Fine for the Troops - Return your library books late.

Hubble for the Troops - When you take vacation pictures, make them slightly blurry.

Hobble for the Troops - Walk around your house barefoot until you stub your toe on a piece of furniture.

Fresh Step for the Troops - Go an extra day before cleaning your cat's litter box.

Get Moore-On for the Troops - Just keep eating until you're as fat as Michael Moore. If you're already there, shoot for Ted Kennedy.

Matte Finish for the Troops - Next time you wash your car, don't wax it.

Agent Orange for the Troops - Stand on the grass right next to a "Keep off the Grass" sign. Move along smartly as soon as a cop yells at you so that you don't actually get into any trouble.

Butterfatless for the Troops - Switch to skim milk.

Burning in the Flaming Cauldron of the Desert Heat for the Troops - Set your central air one degree higher than normal.

---

Myself, I'll be participating in "Stifle the Dissent of Stupid Neo-Hippies for the Troops" where I'll be mercilessly violating the free speech rights of anonymous trolls by editing their comments to make them look stupid...er.

Comments (17)

Roast Reminder

Posted by Harvey at 09:13 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Pay homage to The Great and Powerful Frank J. by submitting your entry to The IMAO 4th Blogiversary Frank J. Roast Round-up

Put your permalink in the comments, or e-mail to roastfrankj@gmail.com by 11:59 pm Saturday, July 8th

Those who do not submit an entry will be placed on the IMAO Enemies List. Probably somewhere between monkeys and liberals.

Comments (1)

Today's Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 08:47 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(Introduction)

---

1) Travel agent Wally Kogen and Homer take many of the Springfield men on a trip to where?

2) Homer is amazed to see that there's a character named after him on what TV show?

3) According to Apu, what Valentine's Day drink should get you "pretty darned hammered"?

4) What company builds a cellular phone antenna site in Lisa's bedroom?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Comments (9)

July 04, 2006

Simpsons Trivia

Posted by Harvey at 05:02 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

"Who is that firebrand, Smithers?"

"That's Homer Simpson."

"Simpson, eh?... New man?"

"Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude..."

"Doesn't ring a bell."

However, if such events ring a bell for you, you'll probably enjoy this new feature at IMAO - 4 questions per day from the Official Simpsons Trivia Game, with Official Trivia Card answers posted in the comments the next day.

Starting tomorrow.

But first, something to bicker over:

Has "The Simpsons" jumped the shark as a TV series? If so, what was the defining moment of its decline?

Personally, I say "yes" and "the death of Maude Flanders", respectively.

Not sayin' that the show doesn't still have its moments, just sayin' that killing off a major character is a cry for help.

Comments (12)

July 03, 2006

Coming Soon: The IMAO 4th Blogiversary Frank J. Roast Round-up

Posted by Harvey at 10:28 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

July 9th marks the 4th blogiversary of IMAO, and to celebrate, we'll be roasting Frank J.

No, that's not some sort of Instapundit hobo-sacrificing ritual.

We're talking a comedy roast:

an event in which an individual is subject to publicly bearing insults, praise, outlandish true and untrue stories, and heartwarming tributes.

And you're invited to give Frank J. your best shot.

Simply post insults, praise, outlandish true and untrue stories, and/or heartwarming tributes about Frank J. on your own blog, and then either leave a permalink in the comments to this post or e-mail a link to roastfrankj@gmail.com

Deadline is 11:59 pm Saturday, July 8th, and I'll post the Roast Round-up on Sunday.

Now go post something before Frank hits you in the head with a pipe. I can't control him when he gets like this.

Comments (14)

Fun Facts About Mississippi

Posted by Harvey at 09:41 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time get stinkin' drunk, float down the Big Muddy, and wash up on a sandbar with a hangover, because we're headed to Mississippi, so let's get started...

Mississippi became the 20th state on December 10th 1817. Although the new state's entry faced violent opposition, it managed to get admitted to the Union since people with lisps did not yet have the right to vote.

Mississippi has 82 counties, all of which have at least one town named "Bubbaville".

The state flag of Mississippi is best described as a combination of the Confederate and French flags. Don't count on them to win any wars for you.

Talk show host Oprah Winfrey was born in Kosciusko, Mississippi. The world's largest couch was built there in her honor, just in case Tom Cruise stops by.

Chitlins were first served in Shuqulah, Mississippi, which - I assume - is home to a disproportionate population of the hopelessly insane.

Mississippi gets its name from the Chippewa Indian word "mici-zibi", which means "River's flooding again... WHY do these stupid white people keep rebuilding here?"

Mississippi has a population of 3 million people and 6 million teeth.

Singer Elvis Presley was born in Tupelo, Mississippi. Does anyone else find it ironic that he once had a hit song about shoes?

In a fight between Aquaman & someone from Mississippi, the Mississippian would lose, but he'd write a great blues song about the fight that would make millions.

Most people from Mississippi have several Confederate flag sticker on their cars. This doesn't make them racist, it just means that they're too poor to afford enough duct tape to hold their cars together.

If you're in Mississippi and someone tries to mug you, just yell, "Look! Snow!". The mugger will become paralyzed with confusion and you can make your escape.

Although Mississippi is frequently the 50th ranked state in quality of education, it IS ranked #1 in the category of "boosting self-esteem for students in the other 49 states".

The world's largest Bible-binding plant is in Greenwood, Mississippi, and uses only genuine atheist-skin leather.

...And people wonder why I've never been to Mississippi...

The Stetson hat was invented in Dunn's Falls, Mississippi, which is constantly being attacked by Texas Crusaders seeking to recapture their holy city.

Football player Walter "Sweetness" Payton was born in Columbia, Mississippi, and was the first athlete to appear simultaneously on boxes of "Wheaties", "Gritties", and "Chitlinies" cereals.

Petal, Mississippi is home to the International Checkers Hall of Fame. Requirements for induction include winning a tournament on a 5-jump, double-king combo move, and appearing on a "Chitlinies" box.

The Vicksburg National Cemetary is the largest national cemetary in America. Some people say that the Arlington National Cemetary is larger, but it's stuffed with all them damn Yankees, so it doesn't really count.

Legendary Football quarterback Brett Favre was born in Kiln, Mississippi. He's reputed to be able to throw a football hard enough to break a receiver's fingers, but he only does that if the guy's late with his protection money payment.

Singer Jimmy Buffett was born in Pascagoula, Mississippi, but was banished after all the town's salt-shakers mysteriously disappeared.

It was his own damn fault.

Mississippi is the only state in America that doesn't offer personalized license plates. The state's DMV figures it's not worth it, since no one can read those big ol' 6-letter words, anyway.

The fried peanut butter and banana sandwich was invented in Tupelo, Mississippi by Elvis Presley in 1945. He never patented his invention, and died in bankrupt obscurity in 1977.

It is NOT true that the Governor of Mississippi is chosen as a result of being the victor in a greased-pig-catching contest. They don't actually grease the pig.

Actor James Earl Jones was born in Arkabutla, Mississippi, but soon moved to Coruscant to complete his Sith training.

Mississippi has the lowest percentage of high school graduates in America, since the graduation exam requires students to spell the state's name without using the words "crooked-letter" or "humpback".

During a hunting expedition to Mississippi in 1902, President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a captured bear. This act resulted in the creation of the world-famous stuffed animal, the "Stupid Yankee Bear".

In 1807, Aaron Burr was arraigned for treason in Washington, Mississippi, beneath the Burr Oaks. Optimists in the city have since planted a grove of Jane Fonda Oaks, just in case.

---

That wraps up the Mississippi edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll get tricked into whitewashing fences by Tom Sawyer when we visit Missouri.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go pour me a big ol' bowl of Chitlinies for breakfast.

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Comments (5)

July 02, 2006

Just Captioning...

Posted by Harvey at 04:23 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

[Hat tip: John of Argghhh!]

(click to enlarge)

"Soldiers disappointedly sample a local Iraqi delicacy - the 'sandmelon'"

OR

"Green on the outside, red on the inside... it's like eating a hippy!"

Comments (9)

June 29, 2006

Threatening World Peace

Posted by Harvey at 10:22 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

The Pew Research Group conducted of survey European, Muslim, and other useless nations and concluded that most people consider the US to be a bigger threat to world peace than Iran's nuclear program.

Piffle.

Neither one of those is a significant threat to world peace.

You want to know what REALLY threatens world peace? I've got a list:

---

Ted Kennedy's driver's license

Global cooling warming temperature stagnation.

People cutting into my traffic lane when I'm not watching the road because I'm busy cleaning my gun.

Saying "Michelle Malkin sure is cute" when SarahK is in the room.

Spanish apes with legal rights. Is there no stopping the accursed monkey menace?

Selling cars so small that you'd be lucky to fit a single clown into them.

My wife changing my Google settings to "Safe Search". Doesn't she know that viewing nude olsen twins pictures is crucial to worldwide geopolitical stability?

Any operational printing press at the New York Times.

Toddlers holding chem warfare drills.

Donald Rumsfeld buying a new pair of strangling-gloves and needing to "break them in".

President Hillary Clinton

---

Oh, and live terrorists. The US military REALLY needs to do something about that one.

Comments (18)

June 28, 2006

Tired of Mocking Soccer?

Posted by Harvey at 03:23 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The go make fun of baseball.

GOP and College has a new caption/photoshop contest going on.

Comments (8)

Who's "We"?

Posted by Harvey at 08:07 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Just saw this quote from John Murtha:

"We do not want permanent bases in Iraq," Murtha told the audience. "We want as many Americans out of there as possible."

I think that by "we", he means "Al Qaeda and I".

Comments (82)

June 26, 2006

Fun Facts About Minnesota

Posted by Harvey at 08:25 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to grab your big blue ox and start lumberjacking your way through Bunyan country because we're going to Minnesota, so let's get started...

Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11th, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin's winters.

The state flag of Minnesota consists of a blue background upon which sits a design best described as "how a 7-year-old city girl would draw a picture titled 'Life on the Farm'".

Minnesota gets it's name from the Sioux Indian word "Mah-nee-soo-tah", meaning "No, really, they eat fish soaked in lye".

The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings Will... Aw, Nevermind"

The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as "The Lutefisk Capital of the World". Avoid this city at all costs.

"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the "Dick Van Dyke Show". The show - about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city - was originally titled "Life Without Dick", but that was changed for some reason.

The state motto of Minnesota is, "Where even a man who wears a feather boa can grow up to be Governor."

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that an Eloi occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel company of Austin, Minnesota produces 6 million cans of spam a year, even though no one actually eats that crap.

The first water skis were invented in Lake City, Minnesota by Ralph Samuelson in 1922. Sadly, he drowned shortly afterwards, as the motorboat hadn't been invented yet.

St. Paul, Minnesota was originally named "Pig's Eye", after French Canadian whiskey trader Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant. Its "twin city", Minneapolis, was known as "Pig's Colon".

The stapler was invented in Swingline, Minnesota by a chubby, mumbling man named Milton in 1999. The city was mysteriously destroyed by fire later that year.

Pelican Rapids is home to a 16-foot-tall concrete pelican, which subsists on a diet of 4-foot-long concrete fish.

In 1973, Olivia, Minnesota erected a 25-foot tall fiberglass corn cob to celebrate its rich, agricultural heritage. In 1974, it was eaten by a 50-foot statue of Babe the Blue Ox.

Yeah, Minnesota has a LOT of problems with statue cannibalism.

Minnesota licensce plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on Independence Day - You Get Used To It."

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor nougat - chocolate, spam, and lutefisk.

The first fully automatic pop-up toaster was invented in Minneapolis, Minnesota in 1926, Minnesota's stringent bread-control laws currently only allow residents to own semi-automatic toasters.

Tonka Trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents.

No airbags, no seatbelts... these things are DEATHTRAPS, I tell ya!

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was born in Walnut Creek, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam Diet" - which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite.

Much like the "Lutefisk Diet".

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending Independence Day picnics.

Contrary to popular myth, you can NOT buy a 1-ounce can of Coke in Minnesota.

Singer Judy Garland was born in Grand Rapids, Minnesota. All gay men are required by their religion to make a pilgrimmage there at least once in their lifetimes.

Hookers in Minnesota are easy to spot. They're the ones wearing crotchless parkas.

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.

...That wraps up the Minnesota edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be wearing my "s" & "i" keys down to nubs as I type about Mississippi.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a closer look at that chick's parka.

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Comments (9)

June 24, 2006

$10 Million Insta-Dollars

Posted by Harvey at 02:15 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

In a recent Instapundit post, Glenn Reynolds mused thusly:

THE GLENN AND HELEN SHOW has been downloaded over 10 million times now. If we got just a dollar per download....

Which made me wonder... why would Glenn need $10 million?

I think the answer is fairly obvious... (see extended entry)

Read More »

Start-up money for his new beverage franchise.

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Comments (4)

Terrorist Killin' Song - Recorded Live

Posted by Harvey at 09:52 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Andrew of Custos Honor slapped on his bling & his baggy pants and took a white-boy-rap stab at recording my song, "Marines Are For Killin' Terrorists".

Truth be told, this is about a 90% accurate version of how it sounded in my head while I was writing it.

Just needs 10% more disaffected urban youth-itude and a DJ doing scratch in the background.

(Warning - it's not all nice & censored like the text version)

Comments (2)

June 23, 2006

Just Passing the Time in Afghanistan

Posted by Harvey at 11:08 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(click to enlarge)

To relieve boredom on the tarmac, these Air Force ground crewmen prepare to re-enact the airplane fight scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

[Real story available at CENTCOM]

Comments (9)

June 22, 2006

Just Wondering

Posted by Harvey at 06:55 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Is there an official name for that "move your head from side to side while wagging your finger back & forth" thing that black women do?

Comments (65)

Links of the Day

Posted by Harvey at 11:27 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Right Wing News has his list of the 29 Worst People In America (plus 4 honorable mentions).

Matty O'Blackfive has two excellent videos: "Brokeback Zarqawi" and "Lazy Ramadi"

If you like terrorist-killin' songs, you'll probably like TFS Magnum's "Die al-Qaeda" and The Outlaw Republican's "Marines Went Down To Baghdad"

Comments (3)

Less Offensive Terrorist Killin' Song

Posted by Harvey at 09:20 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

A Marine wrote a song called "Hadji Girl" (video here, lyrics here) that was described as "contrary to the high standards expected of all Marines" by Marine Major Gabrielle Chapin.

Since Marines aren't known for their sensitivity, I have to assume that the objection was that it didn't have enough brutal terrorist-killin'. So to show my support for the Marines, I wrote a sprightly little ditty that's - hopefully - a little less respectful of bloodthirsty Islamofascists.

CONTENT WARNING: contains censored profanity, violent imagery, disrespectful references to terrorist sexual preferences, and other assorted not-very-niceness, so it's in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

MARINES ARE FOR KILLIN' TERRORISTS

Riding through Iraq across the burning sand
Grenades in my pocket and my rifle in my hand
Looking for terrorists wearing New Balance shoes
Gonna kill those camel-humpers, start spreadin' the news

CHORUS:
The Marines are in town - gonna blow you up
The Marines are in town - leave you all f***ed up
The Marines are in town - just ain't your day
'Cuz the Marines are in town and we'll blow you away

Got my RPG and my M16
I'm the baddest jar head that you've ever seen
I'll take my bayonet and I'll cut you in half
Then like Lyndie England I'll just point and laugh

[CHORUS]

Why don't you act civil like your friends the French?
Surrender this game and go sit on the bench
Go home sucker, before I make you dead
'Cuz you can't terrorize with a bullet in your head

[CHORUS]

Gonna bring freedom to this backwards land
Leave a**holes like you face down in the sand
I'll leave you for dead, lying on the berm
'Cuz the buzzard's gotta eat, just the same as the worm

(Final Chorus)
The Marines are in town - time to say good-bye
The Marines are in town - and your gonna die
The Marines are in town - shoulda stayed in bed
You f***ed with the Marines, now you're gonna be dead.

---

I figure Major Chapin would be ok with this one, since it doesn't use the word "Hadji".

By the way, I didn't have any particular song running through my head during this one, so if you notice a tune that fits it, please let me know.

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Comments (17)

June 18, 2006

Fun Facts About Michigan

Posted by Harvey at 12:49 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

See extended entry for whole thing...

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to use your hand for a map, because we're headed off to Michigan, so let's get started...

Michigan became the 26th state on January 26th, 1837, and was originally a penal colony for disloyal Canadians who refused to say "eh?" at the end of every sentence.

If someone from Michigan flips you off, don't be offended. He's probably just trying to tell you to take I-75 to Mackinaw City.

Famous singer Madonna was born in Detriot, Michigan, which may explain why her bras looked like the hubcaps from a '57 Chevy.

Michingan's nickname is the "Wolverine State", even though there are no longer any wolverines in the state. The last Michigan wolverine died in 1872 when it was eaten by a badger while attempting to sneak across the border into Wisconsin.

Rogers City, Michigan boasts the world's largest limestone quarry, which is where Fred Flintstone used to work before he made it big in Hollywood.

Yes, I know Fred Flintstone lived in Bedrock, but he commuted.

Being surrounded by four of the five Great Lakes, Michigan has more bridges than any other state, most of which Ted Kennedy has driven off of at one time or another.

The Detroit Zoo does not keep its animals in cages, because they all know better than to wander the streets of Detroit after dark.

Industrialist Henry Ford was born in Dearborn, Michigan, and invented the assembly line to streamline the process of killing union agitators.

The world's largest crucifix is located in Indian River, Michigan. Requests from the National Endowment for the Arts to dip it in the world's largest jar of urine have so far been ignored.

The Ambassador Bridge connecting Michigan to Canada was built in 1953 and has since been heavily mined to prevent more talentless, hack actors like William Shatner from sneaking into our country.

No matter where you stand in Michigan, you're less than 100 miles from one of the Great Lakes. If you're in Detroit, you're also less than 100 feet from the scene of a violent crime.

Politician Thomas Dewey was born in Owosso, Michigan, and mentored Al Gore in how to lose a close election.

Most snowblowers sold in Michigan are manufactured in Detroit and come with 10-year/100,000 mile warranties.

They usually expire due to mileage.

The state flag of Michigan consists of a dark blue background over which is a lighter blue shield and the motto, "Cold like Wisconsin, but more recognizably hand-shaped".

The name Michigan comes from the Chippewa Indian word "Mishigawa", meaning "half my pocket change is Canadian, eh?"

Rock & Roll legend Ted Nugent was born in Detroit, Michigan, but left the state in 1982 after he ran out of animals to kill there.

Although the Western shore of Michigan has many large sand dunes, it has no camels as they were hunted to extinction by Ted Nugent in 1981.

James Vernor invented Ginger Ale in his Detroit pharmacy. It's one of the most popular drinks in the nation, except in Kansas, where it's regularly outsold by Mary Ann Ale.

Michigan is the only place in the world with a floating post office, which is frequently attacked by disgruntled former employees "going pirate".

Aviator Charles Lindbergh was born in Detroit Michigan. His solo flight across the Atlantic in 1927 was the first recorded instance of an American being glad to arrive in France.

Michigan has more than 11,000 lakes, all of which have - at one time or another - hidden Jimmy Hoffa.

In the 1950's & 60's, the prevalence of Detroit black singing groups created the style of music known as "Motown". Since the advent of rap, it's been called "Mofotown".

In 1929, The Michigan State Police established the world's first police radio system after inventing the chocolate glazed radio receiver.

The state reptile of Michigan is the Painted Turtle, or - as the natives refer to it - the Crunchy Speed Bump.

---

That wraps up the Michigan edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll STILL be frighteningly vulnerable to Canadian moose attacks as we explore Minnesota.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go jam out to some funky Mofotown grooves.

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Comments (10)

June 14, 2006

Alarm! Armageddon! Factoids!

Posted by Harvey at 03:31 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Recently Greenpeace wanted to say something nasty on the occasion of President Bush's visit to Pennsylvania promoting his nuclear energy policy.

Unfortunately, they sent out an early draft of the press release instead of the final document, and it contained the following:

"In the twenty years since the Chernobyl tragedy, the world's worst nuclear accident, there have been nearly [FILL IN ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOID HERE]"

Being a so-called "writer" myself, I just hate to see writer's block cramping someone's style, even if it IS a bunch of ecoterrorists so lame that they once got beat up by the French.

So here are some ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOIDS that Weeniepeace can use for their next press release:

---

... nearly three million square miles of rainforest decimated by President Bush. And that's just on his ranch:

... nearly a a 35% increase in carbon monoxide emissions, mostly from Al Gore flying around the country shrieking about the dangers of global... something. It's hard to make out the words when he shrieks like that.

... nearly 15 million cases of leprosy in Iraq. Either leprosy or some other horrible disease that turns fingers purple. Probably due to depleted uranium dust. Or freedom. Both of which are known killers. You don't see North Koreans with purple fingers, do ya? I think I've proven my point.

... nearly 24 instances where Aquaman failed to save the world. Because he was weakened by toxic water pollution. If President Bush would keep dirty Mexicans out of the Rio Grande, this wouldn't happen.

... nearly 6 years of Karl Rove not being indicted. That's just CRAZY! It's like letting a rabid pitbull run loose around your neighborhood. A very Machiavellian rabid pitbull.

... nearly 3000 hurricanes - each with the force of hundreds of billions of tons of TNT - which have slammed into the coastal United States - killing millions of innocent minorities, women, children, and fuzzy kittens - while putting trillions of dollars into the pockets of Bush's oil buddies at Halliburton somehow.

... BUUUUUUUUUUSH!!!1!

... nearly a 10,000% increase in the number of prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay since 2003. If current trends continue, even the prison guards will be imprisoned by 2012.

... nearly 50 people in Florida eaten by alligators because new nuclear power plants are being built, disrupting the delicate ecosystem of the alligator's natural prey - poodles.

... nearly 1 more dead Zarqawi, which has devastated the market for New Balance sneakers among the terrorist demographic.

... nearly a 300% increase in attacks by Ann Coulter, leaving thousands of innocent liberals dead or miffed.

---

By the way, if anyone can make out what Al Gore is shrieking, let me know.

Comments (11)

June 13, 2006

Progress - Slow, But Steady

Posted by Harvey at 07:57 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(click to enlarge)

Things the Iraqis are starting to getting the hang of: Human Rights, Freedom, Democracy

Things the Iraqis aren't getting at all: sun-loving beachwear

[Real story at CENTCOM]

Comments (2)

June 11, 2006

Fun Facts About Massachusetts - The Director's Cut

Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Although the podcast is still on hiatus, I just realized that I never posted the uncut Fun Facts About Massachusetts, therefore...

The version on the IMAO podcast (March 9th "Friends Don't Let Friends Shoot Friends in the Face") was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision is in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to go drunk driving with the Kennedys in Massachusetts, so let's get started...

Massachusetts became the 6th state on February 6th 1788, thereby stripping Pennsylvania of its coveted "hardest state name to spell correctly" title.

The state flag of Massachusetts consists of a white field emblazoned with a fat senator waving a gin bottle while driving off a bridge.

The state motto of Massachusetts is "The Yankees Suck!"

The state flower of Massachusetts is the gin blossom, which makes Ted Kennedy's face a protected state wilderness area.

The highest point in Massachusetts is Mt. Greylock at 3500 feet. It was recently re-named "Mt. Whitelock" after it successfully defeated a Balrog.

Massachusetts was nicknamed the Bay State because its large native population of werewolves spend a lot of time howling at the moon.

The word Massachusetts is a Narraganset Indian word meaning "Tribal elders say ok. Squaw can marry squaw".

Massachusetts has a population of 6 million people, all of whom have a harder time pronouncing the letter "R" than a busload of Japanese tourists.

The state song of Massachusetts is "The Theme From Brokeback Mountain".

Actor Jack Albertson was born in Malden, Massachusetts, and was best known for playing Grandpa Joe in the original version of "Teddy and the Whiskey Factory".

Salem, Massachusetts was the site of the infamous witch trials of 1692, where over 50 women were burned at the stake for weighing the same as a duck.

The first subway system was built in Boston, Massachusetts, in 1897. The subway cars were originally propelled by lashing an Irishman to the front and dangling a potato in front of him.

The town of Franklin, Massachusetts was NOT named in honor of Benjamin Franklin, as most people think, but rather for the token black kid in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Special.

The city of Rockport, Massachusetts contains a house that's built entirely out of old newspapers. Visitors are requested not to jump to any hasty conclusions regarding why the toilet is made out of the New York Times.

The birth control pill was invented in Worcester, Massachusetts, and proved to be even more effective at preventing conception than attending a Star Trek Convention dressed as a Klingon.

Boston, Massachusetts takes its name from an Irish word meaning "crime-ridden cesspool".

The first Thanksgiving was celebrated in 1621 after the sword Excalibur was pulled from Plymouth Rock by Arthur, King of the Pilgrims.

Why, yes, I *was* watching "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" while reseaching these fun facts.

All the Founding Fathers threw tea into Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party on December 16th, 1773, except for John Hancock, who was busy writing his name in the snow in letters large enough for King George to read without his glasses.

Massachusetts was originally settled by the cast of the British TV show, "Survivor: Plymouth".

Massachusetts is currently engulfed in a brutal civil war between Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme over which is the "One True Donut".

The Massachusetts tourism slogan is, "Man, woman, goat - whatever - if you can fit it into a wedding dress, you can marry it here."

On this day in 1985, Ted Kennedy successfully drove over a brige without killing anyone.

Well, technically he ran over a homeless guy, but that doesn't really count.

Soldiers from Massachusetts are the most feared of all American fighting men, since - being true Patriots - they always defeat their enemies with a last-second field goal.

Well, that wraps up the Massachusetts edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be taking a swing through the land of new cars and breakfast cereals as I visit Michigan.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish getting this goat into a wedding dress.

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Comments (14)

Say... What DOES "Kos" Mean In Farsi?

Posted by Harvey at 11:27 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Let's just say it's related to "cat-blogging"

Link is NC-17. If you choose to go there, just CTRL+F "kos", and you should be able to figure it out pretty quick.

[Hat tip: Matty O'Blackfive]

Comments (6)

June 10, 2006

The Trouble With Armadillos

Posted by Harvey at 10:36 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Recently at Instapundit, Glenn Reynolds opined:

Personally, I've always blamed the armadillo. Nasty creatures, armadillos. They carry leprosy, you know.

Seems like he's over-reacting a bit, doesn't it? Like he's got some sort of personal grudge against armadillos?

I wonder if this has anything to do with... (see extended entry)

Read More »

(click to enlarge)

...that incident at the K-7 Space Station?

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Comments (10)

June 08, 2006

Michael Moore's Fundraiser

Posted by Harvey at 12:19 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Michael Moore is being sued for $85 million by a wounded soldier who was justifiably irked by Moore's unauthorized - and deliberately misleading - use of an interview he did with NBC. The way Moore made it look, you'd think the soldier was just another monkey-faced anti-war zealot, when nothing could be further from the truth.

If there's any justice in the world, Mikey's going to lose the suit. I mean, is it really too much to ask for America's deep-pocket-hating juries to accidentally do the right thing just this once?

Well, if they do, then that raises the question of where Moore is going to get $85 million, since everyone knows he's squandered all his movie royalties building a 300-foot, solid gold statue of a Twinkie, toward which he bows down to pray five times daily.

Surely, though, there MUST be someone in the Democratic party willing to hire a Goebbels-quality propagandist such as Moore to do a little creative cinematography?

I envision something like the following...

---

The screening of the new film ended. The houselights came up.

Michael Moore sat next to Hillary Clinton, nervously chewing his lower lip.

"Tastes like chicken," he thought.

Followed by, "I wonder if Hillary's lip tastes like chicken?... "

"Nah," he decided, "probably more of a strangled-kitten flavor."

At last Michael broke the uncomfortable silence.

"So..." Moore queried Hillary, "How'd ya like it?"

With eerie, ninja-like speed, Hillary grabbed Moore's collar and pulled his terrified face within an inch own rage-distorted countenance.

"This film," seethed Hillary, "was FIVE... HOURS... LONG!"

"To create a full-bodied artistic..."

"It shows me beating Chelsea with a coathanger!"

"Mild exaggerations were..."

"It shows me accepting a wheelbarrow full of cash - clearly marked "BRIBE MONEY" - from Jack Abramoff!"

"It was sort of allegorical..."

"It shows me smoking crack with Marion Barry while dressed in nothing but fishnet stockings and a steel-studded black leather teddy!"

"Some directorial license was necessarily..."

"IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A 30-SECOND SPOT FOR MY 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN!" shrieked Hillary, as she landed a vicious right cross that broke Moore's nose and then hurled him to the floor.

"Wait!" wheezed Moore, as Hillary stormed towards the exit, "I'm still getting my $85 million, right?"

Hillary paused... turned... considered... "Sure," she grinned, "you'll get what's coming to you."

"BRUNO!" Hillary called to her Secret Service agent, "Pay the man... Give him 85 million... in PAIN! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Is that some sort of Chinese currency?" asked Moore hopefully.

"Yeah," said Bruno, "it's Chinese... just like these here brass knuckles I'm wearin'... Here, have a closer look..."

Bruno paid the man.

---

Well, I don't know if Hillary ever got her campaign commercial, but I *did* see an interesting item on eBay recently:

(click to enlarge)

Anyone wanna go in on it with me?

Comments (6)

June 05, 2006

What About Liberal Hawks?

Posted by Harvey at 08:23 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

In the comments to this post on trolling, reader Jason came out of the closet (politically speaking)

All right, I'm a librul, sort of (more when it comes to human rights, those of Americans and HUMANS in general). Before you "punch me in my monkey face" I would just add that the sort of is because I am also a realist who sees Islam for what it is. Just thought you guys might like this article in the Toronto Star...It concerns the recent arrests of 20 or so suspected terrorists who wanted to clebrate "blow [s***] up day" in Toronto.

Troll out.

Now, we at IMAO have a strict policy about punching liberals in their dumb monkey faces, so this presents a bit of a dilemma - what should we do with liberal hawks?

Should we still punch them, but just not very hard?

Maybe we should merely kick them in their dumb monkey shins?

Do liberal hawks have SMART monkey faces?

I'm confused. Help me out, here.

Oh, and read the article. This should serve as a wake-up call for our moose-worshipping friends up north.

Comments (20)

Excellent Job! Now Will You Rob A Bank For Us?

Posted by Harvey at 08:01 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Wild Bill of Passionate America has answered a photoshopping request from Right Wing Duck's earlier post where he showed a screenshot from Michelle Malkin's Hot Air in which she's standing in front of a bunch of donuts.

If you'd like to see a picture of Michelle Malkin standing in front of a bunch of donuts AND handing you a beer, go visit Passionate America.

Comments (2)

June 04, 2006

Comment Trolling - Good, Bad, & Ugly

Posted by Harvey at 02:39 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Ya know, I generally don't mind if a comment thread gets hijacked and wanders all over the place, but it DOES bug me when trolls start using vicious obscenities & generalized racial slurs.

It'd be ok if they were just personal attacks - like calling me a "blasphemous honky cracker whitebread Christ-denying atheist Satan-worshipping bastard who's going to burn in hell for all eternity", but I prefer that comment threads on my posts maintain a minimal amount of decorum, consistent with IMAO's "PG-13" policy.

Also, I don't mind humor based on racial stereotypes - where would we be without Lair's membership in the International Zionist Conspiracy forcing people to click on IMAO's ads? - but hurling racial slurs as a blanket put-down really isn't appropriate.

Of course, the BIG problem is that the IMAO editorial staff doesn't contain any members with an African heritage, so please... if you MUST slur in the comments, limit your broadly derogatory epithets to Whites, Jews, Mexicans, Rednecks, Lawyers, Women, Atheists, Waterfowl, Simians, Ninjas, and Aquatically-based homosexuals.

Thank you.

Comments (15)

June 02, 2006

Evil Glenn Says, "Happy Satan Day, Everybody!"

Posted by Harvey at 11:31 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

On Tuesday, June 6th of this year, the date will be 6-6-6, which means nothing to atheists like myself, but for Christians it has some evil, Satanic connotations.

And since Evil Glenn is Satan's #1 fan, ya gotta figure he's got some kind of celebratory activities planned.

My guesses:

---

* Undo his comb-over so that the 666 tattoo on his scalp is clearly visible.

* Invite Michelle Malkin over for minced-kitten brownies & puppy shakes.

* Make up a Rocky-Horror-style script of things to yell at the screen while watching "The Omen".

* Yes, that will include some made-up songs where he robot-dances in a black teddy & stockings.

* Hold a hobo-murderthon to raise money for Soldier's Angels. Recommended donation - a buck a bum.

* Launch doomsday missile while shrieking insane laughter.

* Direct the remake of Serenity with a politically correct script.
MAL: "I aim to misbehave."
ZOE: "But Mal! You might hurt someone's feelings!"
MAL: "Didn't think about that. I better put myself in time-out until I calm down a mite.

* Go to a local park and blow up 62 hobos with illegal fireworks. If caught, claim that it was a celebration of the 62nd anniversary of D-Day.

* Sign up for classes to get his doctorate in Mad Science.

* Set off Cthulhu's alarm clock so that he'll be dead but awake.

* THAT'LL show that stupid, lazy elder-God.

* On-line Ouija board marathon!.

* Smugly admit to Frank J. that HE'S the one who's been re-programming his fruit-picking robots to turn on their human masters.

* Pilfer the demon currently possessing Helen Thomas for his own personal use.

* Just give up and let the voices in his head take over.

---

And through it all, you can bet there'll be only one song playing on his iPod... over and over and over...

Comments (28)

May 31, 2006

Grudgingly Admitting That the French Aren't Completely Useless

Posted by Harvey at 03:04 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Driving through Paris at speeds up to 140 mph, blowing red lights, narrowly missing cars, pedestrians, and pigeons.

A 9-minute video thrill ride that I thought you guys might like.

[Hat tip: Snooze Button Dreams]

(Full background story in the extended entry)

Read More »

On an August morning in 1978, French filmmaker Claude Lelouch mounted a gyro-stabilized camera to the bumper of a Ferrari 275 GTB and had a friend, a professional Formula 1 racer, drive at breakneck speed through the heart of Paris. The film was limited for technical reasons to 10 minutes; the course was from Porte Dauphine, through the Louvre, to the Basilica of Sacre Coeur.

No streets were closed, for Lelouch was unable to obtain a permit.

The driver completed the course in about 9 minutes, reaching nearly 140 MPH in some stretches. The footage reveals him running real red lights, nearly hitting real pedestrians, and driving the wrong way up real one-way streets.

Upon showing the film in public for the first time, Lelouch was arrested. He has never revealed the identity of the driver, and the film went underground until a DVD release a few years ago.

« Close It

Comments (19)

Things You Didn't Know About Jesse MacBeth

Posted by Harvey at 10:58 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assigment)

In order to make America look bad, Iraq Veterans Against the War hooked up with compulsive liar Jesse MacBeth, who made up wild stories of his adventures in toddler-slaughtering while he served in Iraq.

Only problem being that he didn't actually DO any toddler-slaughtering.

Because he wasn't in Iraq.

Or even enlisted in the US Armed Forces.

Ever.

However, one small fib (ok, THREE) shouldn't make you doubt Jesse's character. I'm sure that - thirty years from now - CBS will find memos that confirm his story, as well as some of the other claims he made during his startling video interview:

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* While working for Hitler, he invented the Jewsy-Bake Oven.

* Personally light-sabered the entire village of Tusken Raiders who killed his mom.

* Told Natalie Maines what to say through a hidden earpiece during the Dixie Chicks infamous London concert.

* Worked as a boy-toy delivery driver for Michael Jackson.

* Spent days chumming the waters off Amity Beach right before tourist season.

* Manufactured O-rings for NASA.

* Programming code writer for the HAL 9000 computer.

* ...AND those twitchy A/2 series androids.

* Planned the Imperial defense of Endor's moon against the Ewoks.

* Stalked the streets of London as "Jesse the Ripper"

* While head elf for Santa, he would randomly remove kids' names from the "nice" list.

* "New Coke"

* Converted "Who Let the Dogs Out?" into a ringtone.

* Drove a tank at Tiananmen Square.

* Invented telemarketing.

* Was the first person to say to a Palestinian, "Ya know, if you pushed the Jews into the sea, you'd finally have your own homeland."

* Wrote "The Communist Manifesto".

* Killed the scientist who invented the 200 mpg carburetor.

* Designed the unpronouncable symbol by which Prince was known for 7 years.

* "Jar-Jar"

---

Despite that last one, I heard that Imperial Veterans Against Star Wars is STILL continuing to support him.

Comments (15)

Hate To Correct Frank J., But...

Posted by Harvey at 08:46 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

In this post on the advantages of a putting a wall of flame along the Mexican border, Frank said:

Can't be graffitied. Fire burns paint.

Never underestimate the power of Mexican ingenuity:

(click to enlarge)

The rest of his points still hold true, though.

Say... what do you suppose is painted on the other side of this flaming wall?

Comments (17)

May 29, 2006

Let's Make Fun of the Idiots

Posted by Harvey at 12:55 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Withered old hippy Neil Young has penned hisself a 21st century protest song, "Let's Impeach The President". Lyrics as follows:

Let’s impeach the president for lying
And leading our country into war
Abusing all the power that we gave him
And shipping all our money out the door

He’s the man who hired all the criminals
The White House shadows who hide behind closed doors
And bend the facts to fit with their new stories
Of why we have to send our men to war

Let’s impeach the president for spying
On citizens inside their own homes
Breaking every law in the country
By tapping our computers and telephones

What if Al Qaeda blew up the levees
Would New Orleans have been safer that way
Sheltered by our government’s protection
Or was someone just not home that day?

Let’s impeach the president
For hijacking our religion and using it to get elected
Dividing our country into colors
And still leaving black people neglected

Thank god he’s cracking down on steroids
Since he sold his old baseball team
There’s lot of people looking at big trouble
But of course the president is clean

Thank God

Inspired by his complete inabilty to master the art of meter & rhyme after 40 years of penning pompous squeals of indignation, I've decided to write my own counter-protest song. I just hope it's clumsy and unsingable enough to become a hit with the tie-dyed intellectuals.

---

LET'S MAKE FUN OF THE IDIOTS

Let's make fun of the idiots who're lying
Trying to make our country lose the war
Abusing all the freedom of speech they have
And shipping the truth right out the door

They're the men who cheer on the terrorists
The murderers plotting behind closed doors
Leaving out facts to fit their agendas
Forgetting who struck first to start the war.

Let's make fun of the idiots who say it's spying
To listen to terrorists because they're calling from home
To other terrorists outside the country
I guess it's their right to plan killings over the phone.

They think that George Bush blew up the levees
Poor construction wouldn't make them fail that way
Don't point fingers at Ray Nagin's government
Because he couldn't find any bus drivers that day

Let's make fun of the idiots
For smearing Bush just to try to get elected
Campaigning on the politics of color
Yet still leaving black people neglected

It's sad to see these people stuck on stupid
In this war they're rooting for the enemy's team
The New York Times prints state secrets on the front page.
But they say their consciences are still clean

It's sad.

---

Hopefully Neil Young will retire soon so that I never have to dirty myself this way again.

Comments (22)

My Memorial Day Celebration

Posted by Harvey at 06:36 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Today it will be 93 degrees in Wisconsin, and I'll be mowing my lawn and cursing the heat.

I am grateful to those who lost their lives making it possible for me to have the freedom to own a lawn that needs mowing.

And to do my cursing in English instead of German, Japanese, or Russian.

Thank you.

Comments (10)

May 28, 2006

In Frank's World - Fan Fiction

Posted by Harvey at 12:26 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Morgnet continues Buck Wild at the UN:
Part 4: UN Security Boogaloo.
Part 5: Fear the 'Stache! (Caution: some mental imagery may cause permanent damage to your mind's eye)
Part 6: When Lime Green Ninjas Attack! The Final Chapter

The Order of the Blue Square has a slice of D.C. life:

No, silly, that couldn't be the president. He always travels with lots of bodyguards and things called 'motorcades,' honey."

"But he looks lost and confused, just like on TV!" she responded.

Think you can write better In My World fan fiction than these drunken monkeys? Prove it, and leave a link in the comments.

Comments (3)

May 27, 2006

Instapundit's Work Clothes

Posted by Harvey at 04:08 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

You may have noticed that - from time to time - John Hawkins of Right Wing News will re-post an entry from IMAO in its entirety.

Which is fine with us.

It's not that we condone plagiarism (we're NOT the New York Times), but it's because of the sweet kickbacks he gives us. Usually scotch & hookers.

Except for Frank, who gets paid with sacks of monkey skulls, which he uses to decorate the altar of his Zatoichi shrine.

However, I recently got an e-mail from John, saying that he'd maxed out his tab at Leroy's House O' Ho's, and asked if we'd take an interview with Glenn Reynolds as payment, instead. John's a good guy, so I said "yes". I'm just hoping Frank will be too busy working on his In My World book to notice the absence of simian craniums in the mail this week.

Anyway, here's the interview:

---

JOHN: I see that you've recently taken a stand in favor of professorial nudity. Is that how you normally dress for work yourself?

GLENN: HEAVENS no! Exposing hairy man-boobs is ALWAYS a bad idea, which explains the pathetic sales of Michael Moore's documentary "Bowling for Fat Guys in Speedos". However, I will confess that - in the pursuit of pedagogical goals - I have been known to don a costume on occasion.

JOHN: So you're saying that you dressed as a Catholic priest?

GLENN: I said "pedagogical"! Try using a dictionary for something besides propping up the short leg of the sofa.

JOHN: Actually, that's what I use "An Army of Davids" for. Anyway, I want to hear more about these costumes of yours.

GLENN: Well, it all started when I was re-evaluating a data study from the Center for Applied Psychological Hermeneutics, which discovered that between 56% and 58% of over 16,000 freshman students at three state universities were...

JOHN: ...probably as bored as I am. Can we get to the costumes?

GLENN: You have the attention span of a caffeinated ferret.

JOHN: Still bored, here.

GLENN: Fine. There was this costume:

that I wore for a class called "Civil Suit Alchemy - Turning Pain Into Gold". Students were told to find grounds to sue Superman.

JOHN: Impossible! He's the ultimate Boy Scout! He won't even fly across the street against a red light!

GLENN: True, but with a good expert witness, you can convince a jury that his X-ray vision gave your client cancer.

JOHN: You have no conscience.

GLENN: Lawyer.

JOHN: Touché. So what else have you worn?

GLENN: Same class, next day:

JOHN: So you want to sue elves for making defective Christmas toys?

GLENN: Ya know, a lot of first-year law students make that same mistake. But when you sue, you should always go for the target with the deepest pockets. Thus the title of the lecture: "When In Doubt, Sue Santa".

JOHN: How do you sleep at night?

GLENN: On a mattress stuffed with contingency fees.

JOHN: Any other costumes?

GLENN: Well, I often wear this one when I discuss Marbury v. Madison during my lecture on the Federal separation of powers:

JOHN: What do penguins have to do with...

GLENN: WHOOPS! How'd THAT one get in there!... Hey! Look at the time. I gotta go!

JOHN: Well, thanks for taking the time to share the cobwebby inner darkness of your soul with us, Glenn.

Join me next week when the Travelocity gnome explains why he'd rather fly a lawn chair into a set of stadium lights than ride with a Kennedy.

Comments (8)

The "Movies Are Stupid And Unrealistic" Trivia Challenge

Posted by Harvey at 12:20 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

There's a forwarded e-mail going around that lists various unrealistic events found in popular movies (posted below in the extended entry).

Your mission: name just one specific movie where this actually happens.

Please don't re-use examples from a previous comment - that just makes you look like one of those chittering hoot-monkeys from the DU who can't speak unless it's to regurgitate someone else's talking point. If you don't have a different one - or can't think of an example - just skip it.

If you don't want to play in the comments, feel free to just post the answers at your own blog and link back here. That way you have plausible deniability when you claim you came up with the answers all by yourself.

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Read More »

1) During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

2) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

3) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French Bread.

4) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

5) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

6) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

7) If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

8) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

10) If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

11) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

12) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

13) All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

14) If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

15) When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

16) Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

17) Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

18) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

19) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

20) Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat them.

21) Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

22) The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

23) A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.

24) Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

25) Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

26) Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

27) It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

28) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

29) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

30) It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

31) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

32) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

33) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

34) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

35) When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

36) No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

37) Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

38) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

39) Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

40) An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

« Close It

Comments (39)

May 24, 2006

Stopping Iran's Nuke Program

Posted by Harvey at 03:36 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Despite the European Union's numerous offers of flowers & candy, Iran's lunatic president Imabigdweeby (or whatever his name is) still refuses to stop enriching uranium.

Need to put a stop to that.

So I recommend sending in the Double Secret British Special Forces Commando Team to shut them down with some of their patented pacification techniques, which include such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to World Peace, and possibly one or more of the following:

---

* Park a giant wooden rabbit outside the enrichment facility, then - when the Iranians bring it inside - they'll sneak out to open the gates for... RUN AWAY!!!

* Soundly ignore any and all Iranian complaints about dead parrots.

* Wear high heels, skip and jump, press wildflowers, put on women's clothing and hang around the gates of the facility waiting for a chance to sneak in and blow it up with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

* Write a strongly worded resolution, wrap it around an arrow, and fire it into Imabigdweeby's bodyguard, Concorde.

* Burst into the enrichment facility, search it for cheese, and start shooting people if none is found. Starting with the bouzouki player.

* Taunt the Iranians.

* Taunt them a second time if necessary.

* Do something in their general direction, but only if it doesn't violate the Geneva Convention, because Amnesty International is like a freakin' pit bull on these sorts of things nowadays.

* Demand that the Iranians dismantle their nuclear program immediately. If they refuse, explain that you're very sorry, but you're not allowed to argue with them anymore unless they dismantle their nuclear program.

* Slap Imabigdweeby with a fish.

* Bomb the nuclear facilities, invade the country, kill the leaders, and steal their huge tracts of land.

---

If none of that works, I suppose we can always try giving the Nuts Who Say "Nuke!" a shrubbery.

Comments (12)

May 23, 2006

Unfortunately, It's True - Thief Steals Data on 26 Million Military Veterans

Posted by Harvey at 11:30 AM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

Thought our Veteran readers should know about this:

The Department of Veterans Affairs reported Monday that a laptop computer containing the names, dates of birth and Social Security numbers of over 26,000,000 veterans was stolen from the home of an employee who had taken the data home without authorization.

A copy of the letter being sent to affected veterans is available at the link.

Meanwhile, if you're an affected Veteran, here are other steps you can take:

1) Find out who stole the laptop.

2) Gut him like a trout.

3) Place his head on a pike as a warning to others.

Honestly... how stupid do you have to be to screw with 26 million professionally-trained killers?

[alerted via an e-mail from One Happy Dog Speaks]

Comments (14)

In Frank's World - More Fan Fiction

Posted by Harvey at 11:06 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Morgnet has more Buck Wild at the UN. Part 2 - Bush consults the Oracle, while the Snowman learns his place; and part 3 - Buck gets the go signal. Pity the baby raccoon.

Brèves proves that the French ARE good for something - being strangled. Although I hope Rummy makes an exception for Woland, the guy at Brèves who wrote the piece.

Meanwhile, The Rumsfeld Strangler keeps us updated on blogging, interviews, pets, and his opinion of the movement to make English the national language.

---

If you've posted any In My World Fan Fiction on your blog, leave a link in the comments.

Comments (2)

May 21, 2006

How To Tell The Difference Between an Homage and a Rip-Off

Posted by Harvey at 12:45 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Homage.

Rip-off.

If anyone sees Liam Smith, pistol-whip him. Even if it means marring the finish.

[Hat tip to IMAO reader Robby]

Comments (15)

In Frank's World - Fan Fiction Round-up

Posted by Harvey at 11:28 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The Order of the Blue Square has President Bush (who does NOT look fat in that suit) sending in the Marines. Or *a* Marine, as the case may be.

Morgnet follows Tony Snow as he gets initiated into the inner workings of the White House. Personally, I want to download the files on Bush's PDA.

The Moxargon Group is right - it IS fun being an illegal alien! Also, I had no idea that the White House had an official Oval Office poking stick. Hope Frank J. doesn't get one of those.

Fmragtops has Rummy taking a more "hands on" approach to troop training. Considering his deep and mystical understanding of the martial arts, I have to say that this would be a good thing in the real world, too.

---

Ya know, you guys are better at this than I thought you were gonna be.

Think maybe I should make a weekly carnival out of this?

Might help out with that "you guys never post anything on the weekend" problem.

Meanwhile, keep 'em coming and drop a link in the comments.

Comments (3)

May 19, 2006

NSA Monitors Instapundit

Posted by Harvey at 04:04 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Since I firmly believe in watching the watchers, I've bugged the NSA office and overheard the following conversation between agents Jack Boot and Eve Drop regarding their efforts to analyze phone records from the major telecom companies:

---

JACK: This is ridiculous! I can't believe they actually expect us to sort through ten billion phone records! How are we supposed to find any patterns in this mess?

EVE: Unwad your panties, Jack, it's SIMPLE. All ya gotta do is just twist the data to fit your agenda and you can prove that ANYONE is evil.

JACK: Sorta like how the Democratic Underground trolls keep "proving" that Bush is Hitler?

EVE: Exactly... Here, let me pick a name at random and show you how it's done... AH! This Glenn Reynolds fellow will do...

JACK: Instapundit? But he's a right-wing warmonger! He doesn't fit the profile!

EVE: Look, strip-club-visiting muslims don't fit the profile either - except for the 9/11 hijackers! Ya gotta be willing to follow the evidence wherever it leads, even if you have to drag it kicking & screaming to get it there. Now, let's look at his phone records.

JACK: Here's a call to a "Mrs. Reynolds" in another city. Probably his mother.

EVE: AHA! Obviously calling to tell her goodbye before his terrorist suicide mission!

JACK: It was on Mother's Day. EVERYONE called their mother on Mother's Day... except NSA agents who had their mothers killed [gives Eve an accusatory glance]

EVE: She knew too much!... Anyway, that Reynolds is a crafty devil, timing his call like that so that we wouldn't be suspicious! Which is the most suspicious thing you can do.

JACK: Not as suspicious at THIS group of calls... must be a hundred of 'em to someone named HP. Who the heck is HP?

EVE: GOTTA be Hezbollah of Palestine! No other organization has those initials!

JACK: What about Hamas of Palestine?

EVE: That cagey BASTARD! Trying to throw us a curve with a dual-use acronym!

JACK: Either way, he's got terrorist connections. Now all we have to do is figure out where he plans to strike & how.

EVE: Hmmm... a call to Black & Decker... coffee maker division...

JACK: Of COURSE! He's going to use the timer from the coffee maker as a bomb trigger! It's the ONLY explanation! EVERYONE knows that obscenely rich best-selling authors normally only drink Starbucks coffee that's been hand-delivered by illegal Mexicans!

EVE: You mean Canadians - there are some jobs that are so demeaning that even Mexicans won't do them.

BOB McKENZIE: Here's yer coffee, eh? That'll be, like, 5 beers?

EVE: Here's a six-pack and a toque. Keep the change.

BOB McKENZIE: Beauty! I'm gonna take off, eh?

EVE: Yeah, get outta here, freak...Anyway, Jack, we know HOW he'll strike, but that information is useless unless we know the target...

JACK: Wait... I see a pattern here... he's called the Memphis Canine Rescue Shelter every day for the last... well... since the telephone was invented.

EVE: That MONSTER! Targeting innocent puppies! What sort of deranged freak would want to explode puppies into a thick - almost drinkable - liquid?

JACK: Who cares? All that matters is that we now have undeniable proof of his insidious plot! The evidence is rock solid! This one's a slam...

[phone rings]

EVE: NSA Civilian Entrapment Project. Eve Drop speaking... uh huh... uh huh... oh... oh, I see... thank you...

[hangs up]

JACK: ...DUNK! He's going down like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!

EVE: Bad news. That was the Director. Seems that this phone number database we've been using is phony. BellSouth, AT&T, Verizon... they ALL deny giving us any information. Seems that only telecom that provided us with anything was Bell Alliance. We've been had.

JACK: DAMN! Now Reynolds is going to get away scott free! Just like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!

EVE: Calm down, Jack... sooner or later, he'll make another mistake. We'll nail him eventually...

JACK: So... wanna hack into John Murtha's credit record and put in some unpaid escort service bills?

EVE: Jack, I *love* the way you think...

---

Looks like the Puppy Blender has once again eluded the long arm of the law... but the Alliance will be watching you, Reynolds.

...always watching...

Comments (22)

It's NOT a Ripoff... It's An "Homage"

Posted by Harvey at 04:01 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Things inspired by the Frank's "In My World" category:

* The New Chainik Hocker's story of Condi gone wild.

* A 2005 Rumsfeld press conference.

What else do you Frank Worlders have for fan fiction? Isn't ANYONE going to give Buck the Marine some foreigners to kill?

Nothing more dangerous than a Marine who ain't out kill'n stuff, ya know.

Comments (7)

May 18, 2006

We Need A Name For This Phenomenon

Posted by Harvey at 10:12 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

So... aside from The Rumsfeld Strangler, has anyone else been posting "In My World" fan fiction?

It makes Frank happy, as long as there's linkage giving IMAO credit for the inspiration.

Anyway, if you have an IMW fan fiction post, drop a link in the comments.

If you haven't been writing IMW fan fiction, get started. I mean, it's not like Frank is gonna get around to giving Buck the Marine a new mission anytime soon.

By the way... if Star Trek fans are called "Trekkies", then what are In My World fans called?

Comments (17)

May 17, 2006

Donald Rumsfeld's Blog (updated 5-18-06 9:15am)

Posted by Harvey at 09:52 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Donald Rumsfeld was on the Hugh Hewitt show last week, and he mentioned blogs.

I hope that means he'll be starting one soon.

I mean, sure, he's done a great job as Secretary of Terrorizing Terrorists or whatever his title is, but he's also a great communicator and his talent is being wasted.

If nothing else, at least he wouldn't be a weepy little woman like Tony Snow.

Granted, it probably wouldn't be the BEST blog in the world - just lots of pictures of him strangling journalists and hippies and feeding their twisted corpses to Chomps - but I'll bet it would have a cool name, like maybe....

---

* Rumstapundit

* The Only Good Terrorist Is A Dead Terrorist, and the World Needs More Good Terrorists

* Shut Up! I'm Trying to Hegemonize!

* Hand Grenades In The Podium And Other Keys To A Successful Press Conference

* What Good Is Having Nukes If We're Not Going To Use Them?

* I TOLD You Not To Listen To Colin Powell!

* I Don't Want To Beat You To Death With Your Own Press Credentials, But I Will If I Have To

* Invade Their Country and Steal Their Oil - Solutions To Illegal Immigration

* KILL! KILL! KILL! - The Rumsfeld Doctrine Explained

* You Say "Torturing Terrorists" Like It's a BAD Thing

* Five Point Palm Exploding Heart and Other Love Poems

* I Like You. I'll Kill You Last

* I Miss Napalm

* I'm Only Wearing Glasses So That My Eyes Don't Jump Out of My Head and Strangle You

* Pale Rider's Adventures In Apocalyptic Horsemanship

* Kittens, Puppies, Rainbows, and Other Irritants

* Remember When I Said I'd Kill You Last?... I Lied

---

Or maybe he'll just go with IMAO (Immolate Mutilate Annihilate Obliterate)

Any other guesses?

UPDATE: Apparently it's called The Rumsfeld Strangler

Comments (26)

May 15, 2006

Dick Cheney's Rejected War On Terror Strategies

Posted by Harvey at 12:26 PM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

Lacking any real news, the New York Times is reporting that Dick Cheney suggested warrantless wire-taps of purely domestic phone calls. Apparently the Bush administration is now guilty of things it DIDN'T do, too.

Here are some of the other Cheney suggestions that got shot down:

---

* Having Americans prove their loyalty by getting a Mohammed cartoon tattooed on their ass.

* Guess what would have formed Mohammed's mouth?

* If this one ever does pass, I'm already compliant.

* No one allowed on a plane without an official "NOT A TERRORIST" hand stamp.

* Bush should use his connections with God to cause a plague of locusts to descend on terrorist training camps.

* And San Francisco.

* No one who owns a red light saber will be allowed to learn the ways of the Force.

* No left-handed sword-fighting unless you are, indeed, left-handed.

* Anyone who can make that "ULULULULULULU!" sound will be relocated to a highly flammable building in Waco.

* Random pop-culture quizzes with questions like "Who won the World Series?", "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?", and "What celestial body does Frank J. advocate nuking?"

* Arrest anyone wearing any form of turban, especially hot, naked women just stepping out of the shower.

---

If you've gotten wind of any of his other rejected schemes, let me know.

Comments (13)

May 14, 2006

Ted Kennedy's Plane Hit By Lightning

Posted by Harvey at 11:56 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Is this God's way of punching a liberal in his dumb monkey face?

Comments (32)

Great Moments In Cross-Cultural Communication

Posted by Harvey at 10:43 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(click to enlarge)

In their "Celebrating American Diversity" class, Iraqi children learn how to flash a variety of popular gang signs.

[pic via CENTCOM - real story here]

Comments (7)

May 11, 2006

No, Really, It's JUST a Commercial

Posted by Harvey at 09:57 AM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

[Author's Note: The following is mostly a technical analysis of TV commercial humor and is not specifically a humor piece itself, so read it at your own peril. However, hilarity may ensue in the comments if offended feminists start dropping by.]

Via Right Wing Nation, I found an offended feminist complaining about this Carl's Jr. commercial wherein Dr. 90210 recommends breast augmentation... the punchline being that he's talking to a chicken, and chicken sandwiches are what's being advertised. But yon offended feminist claims that it's not "just a commercial"

It's not "just" anything. It's an ideological piece of propaganda designed to justify two things: the annihilation of chicken's lives and the annihilation of the human female's self esteem.

Gotta disagree.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More »

Here's what the commercial is designed to do:

Sell chicken sandwiches.

But what the hell does a cosmetic surgeon have to do with food?

Here's the deal - prior to about 1950 or so, advertisements took the direct approach. They told people why a product was good and asked them to buy it. Maybe they threw in a jingle to help folks remember the product's name.

But somewhere in the early 50's, marketing researchers discovered that listing the features and asking for the sale wasn't necessary. Just the jingle. Because people don't choose which products to buy for logical reasons, they buy them for emotional ones, and make up the logical ones afterwards to justify it.

Ultimately resulting in marketers designing ad campaigns that went straight for the emotions.

The way they do this is to spend the bulk of the commercial using sensory stimuli designed to put you into a particular emotional state - usually a positive one - and then telling you what they want you to buy in the hopes that the product will become associated in your mind with the positive state.

Does this mean that every time you pass a Carl's Jr., you'll slam on the brakes and zombie-shuffle into the store to buy a chicken sandwich?

No.

But if you're hungry and you're driving around and you see a Carl's Jr. sign, when you ask yourself "should I stop here?", a quick mental Googling of your inner database will turn up a response of "I've heard of Carl's Jr. and my general feelings toward it are more or less positive".

You may stop at Carl's Jr., you may not. But the commercial upped the odds somewhat.

But why would Carl's Jr. advocate murdering chickens and demeaning women in an attempt to make people feel good?

They. Didn't.

It was a joke. It was funny. Here's why:

In order for something to be funny, it needs both truth and exaggeration. If it's only exaggeration, it's just a lie. If it has only truth, it's a physics textbook. You need both.

However, if you don't have any truth handy, a popularly accepted stereotype will work almost as well, since a stereotype is something that's true for a significant portion - but not all - of a given group of people.

In this case, the stereotype is that women are insecure about their physical appearance, and some will seek to correct that through breast augmentation. The exaggeration is that this would apply to a chicken.

Throw in a pun on the word "breast" and you have humor. Which is designed to make you laugh so that you feel good so that you'll associate Carl's Jr. with that good feeling and stop into one of their restaurants to spend your money which they'll spend on more funny commercials.

Thus completing the Circle of Corporate Life.

The next logical "offended feminist" question is, "But doesn't it say something about the corporation that they chose to joke about women's breasts instead of, say, professional football, like in those nice Creepy-the-King burger commercials?"

Probably not. It's more likely that it's just what came off the top of the ad agency's head that morning.

As a self-described humor writer, I know how the creative process works, and it's something like this: you pick a topic, you free-associate some facts & stereotypes, and when you find one that takes you off on an unexpected tangent, you make a punch line out of it.

In this case, Mr. Ad Man had to make a chicken joke; thought about feathers, beaks, eggs, farms, and roosters before the idea of breasts; then - knowing "sex sells" - connected it to human female breasts, and eventually decided to use breast augmentation surgery as the segue between the two.

A joke was made, people laughed, a commercial was produced, and chicken sandwiches were sold by the ton.

Except to offended feminists, who will never go to Carl's Jr. ever again, on the assinine assumption that Mr. Ad Man's first thought was "How can I demean women today?" and not "How can I make a joke about chicken?"

But that's how it goes with humor. When you use stereotypes instead of truth, the joke will fail for the people to whom the stereotype does not apply. One man's funny is another feminist's annihilation propaganda. So when you write, the best you can do is aim for the bulk of your target audience, ignore the offended, and hope that next time you have to write a joke, the truth or stereotype you base your humor on is more universal.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go assuage my hunger with a Carl's Jr. chicken breast sandwich.

Heh. I said "breast"

*snicker*

« Close It

Comments (13)

May 10, 2006

A Better Sentence for Moussaoui

Posted by Harvey at 05:37 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Some folks are upset that terrorist scumbag Zacarias Moussaoui didn't get the death penalty.

Personally, I don't think he deserved death. I mean, he didn't actually DO anything, right? As the great philosopher Sideshow Bob once said, "Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?"

Me, I think Moussaoui should become America's new symbol of Justice.

By which I mean he should be blindfolded, have a sword and scales placed in his outstretched hands, be encased in concrete, and placed in front of the US District Court in Alexandria Virginia.

The pigeons will take care of the rest.

Comments (6)

A Present For the Manly Men Out There - UPDATED 12:45 PM

Posted by Harvey at 10:46 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

What should you eat while you're driving your SUV through a crowd of hippies?

Why, the Burger King Texas Double Whopper, of course.

I'm praying that this will lead to a series of commercials that will be replacing those creepy-the-King ads.

[via Lynn of A Sweet, Familiar Dissonance]

UPDATE 12:45PM - Note to offended vegetarian women: the commercial is funny because it exaggerates a stereotype of men. It's just a freakin' commercial, and NOT a personal attack designed by the cannibalistic carnivorous patriarchal hegemony. Please try to relax.

Maybe this short cinematic work featuring the plight of an oppressed agrarian cultivator will soothe your tattered nerves.

Comments (18)

May 09, 2006

Crack Suicide Squad...ATTACK!

Posted by Harvey at 11:18 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Looks like the Al-Qaida Crack Suicide Squad is at it again:

BAGHDAD, Iraq – An explosion occurred in a building within the Sheik Abdel Kader mosque compound at approximately 6 p.m. May 7 in Rusafa, a neighborhood of east Baghdad.
[snip]
Initial reports indicate that two terrorists were wounded and another one was killed in the blast.

The Coalition of the Willing congratulates the disassembled airborne parts of these psychotic Islamofacsists on successfully chlorinating the Arab gene pool, and wishes them many similar successes in the future.

Meanwhile, the Al-Qaida threat level in Iraq has been downgraded from "nuisance" to "annoyance", despite the Al-Qaida leadership's evaluation of the Iraq contingent as "without any organized military capabilities", which is actually a step up from last year's grade of "inept clods clumsily overcompensating for their inadequate genitalia".

Comments (10)

Totally True Tidbits About Australia

Posted by Harvey at 08:58 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

As Frank J. briefly mentioned, Australia was actually Britain's first attempt at a penal colony. What he didn't mention was that they stopped using it once they discovered that it was a lot cheaper to ship people off to Ireland and just steal their potatoes until they got so depressed that they emigrated to America and became crooked cops. Frank also forgot to mention these other:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT AUSTRALIA

---

* Australia is sometimes referred to as the "island continent". This is not exactly true, as it is actually connected to Asia by a series of underwater tunnels constructed by Aquaman prior to starting his so-called crime-fighting "career".

* Australia was originally a British penal colony for exiled thieves and murderers. It is not to be confused with France, which was originally a British penal colony for the cowardly and annoying.

* Australia eventually outgrew its shady past and evolved into a modern civilized nation. France has yet to make that particular leap.

* The basic unit of Australian currency is giant cans of beer, which explains why Australian men have gargantuan arm muscles.

* Australia is known for its vast, wooly herds of opals.

* It's also known for its many sheep mining operations.

* The kangaroo is a pouched marsupial native to Australia. Most women own them for storage purposes, since purses are illegal in Australia.

* Rabbits are considered a pest in Australia. Although somewhat cute and fuzzy, they tend to wander the country in packs, destroying everything in sight, and pooping everywhere with no respect for property rights, much like American hippies.

* The central portion of Australia is a dry, barren wasteland containing nothing of interest. Think of it as the real-world equivalent of an "Air America" broadcast day.

* The Prime Minister of Australia is John Howard, and not, as most Americans assume, Steve Irwin. The confusion IS understandable, since Howard keeps a pair of crocodiles chained to the throne of terrorist skulls upon which he sits.

* Contrary to a popular American stereotype, most Australians do NOT wear hats decorated with crocodile teeth or sell Subarus. That was just a phase Paul Hogan went through before he found Goth.

* Dingoes are wild dogs native to Australia, and shouldn't be confused with Ding-Dongs, which have less hair, and more cream filling.

* Koala bears, also native to Australia, may look cute and cuddly, but they are actually very dangerous. If you see one, don't make any sudden moves - just give him your wallet and hope he doesn't hurt you.

* Australians are strong, loyal, trustworthy, and fierce fighters. If for some unimaginable reason you don't own a gun, consider carrying an Australian in your holster instead.

* A platypus is an odd-looking creature that appears to be a cross between a duck and a beaver. They live primarily in water and to confuse biologists.

* Ayers' Rock is an incredibly huge rock that... well... it... um... that is... er... uh... anyway, it's really big, so don't make it angry.

* But the best thing about Australians is that they have a great sense of humor. Even if some stupid American comes along and pokes a little good-natured fun at them they'll just laugh and [WHACK!] OW! MY NOSE!

---

Completely off-topic, does anyone know how to extract a giant can of beer from your sinus cavity?

Comments (16)

May 05, 2006

IMAO - More Brilliantly Conceived Than You Thought

Posted by Harvey at 12:14 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Remember that post at Digby where he freaked out over the Fun Facts About Liberals T-shirt?

Buried deep in the comments is an intriguing analyis of the IMAO motif:

"the site reads like a really broad left-wing parody of a right-wing humor site. In that respect, it's pretty funny"

I have to admt that *I've* occasionally thought while reading an In My World: "Man, the liberals mush LOVE the way Frank portrays Bush... Hey... I wonder if Frank is really an undercover Bush-hating leftist?"

Fear not, though. Frank is NOT Michael Moore wearing a Karl Rove mask. The truth is FAR more twisted.

You see, IMAO is actually a right-wing satire of a really broad left-wing parody of a right-wing humor site.

Which means that Frank is Donald Rumsfeld dressed as Michael Moore wearing a Karl Rove mask.

All pretending to be a nerdy engineer from Florida married to a hot babe from Texas.

Truly Machiavellian.

Comments (9)

May 04, 2006

Thousands Riot Over Che Cartoons

Posted by Harvey at 09:05 PM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

[pic via American Digest]

Reacting to a cartoon portraying Ernesto "Che" Guevera which was published on an American web site recently, thousands of angry Mexican took to the streets in violent protest.

Angry Mexicans - who apparently don't work for a living - flooded the streets in protest Monday

"Muslims have forced Americans not to show cartoons of Allah's prophet Mohammed," said one protester whose name was probably Pedro, "As socialist thugs, we worship Fidel Castro - the oldest Communist dictator who has not been killed and eaten by the Americans. Che is like Castro's prophet, in the sense that he murdered people in Castro's name. Therefore we forbid displaying images of him, and cruelly punish those who do."

According to the Communist religion, the punishment for depicting Che is impalement, and several instances were caught on film:

Lucky it was only a glancing blow, this supporter of free speech had a wooden pole shoved into his right forearm.
[via Michelle Malkin]

This girl was not so lucky - a stake in the head.
[via WorldNetDaily]

Not even bronze statues were immune to Mexican vengeance.
[via WorldNetDaily]

Fortunately, not everyone was intimidated, as a few brave counter-protesters were on the scene

American of Mexican descent, whose name was probably Jose, proudly exercises his freedom of speech while giving the "victory" sign to let the Mexifascists know that he won't be intimidated.

Lesson learned:

Be like Jose
Display your Che

Or the Mexiterrorists win.

More blasphemous Che depictions in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

[via WILLisms]

[via The People's Cube]

« Close It

Comments (7)

May 03, 2006

In Case Anyone Was Wondering

Posted by Harvey at 09:59 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Contrary to rumors you may have read in the MSM, the 101st Fighting Keyboardists have no plans to institute any sort of draft, as voluntary enlistment quotas are currently being met and/or exceeded.

Comments (6)

Dan Rather's Blog

Posted by Harvey at 09:17 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Recently rumors have surfaced that Dan Rather is contemplating quitting CBS and taking up blogging.

Now there's no mystery regarding WHAT he'd blog about - his cat, his colon, how much it sucks to be living in his daughter's basement - after all, he's lost without his teleprompter.

The only question is what he would call his blog. I speculate thusly on the possibilities:

---

* Rather Ironic, Isn't It?

* Speaking Half-Truths to Power

* Drink the TANG

* CBS Evening KOS

* I Am NOT Making This Up!

* Here's the Frequency, Now Stop Calling Me Kenneth!

* Delusions By Dan

* Democratic Underwear

* Funny Like Colbert, Except Not On TV

* I'm STILL Not Wearing Pants When I Sit Behind My Desk

* Now Wi^th Superscripts!

* Take A Memo

* Rather's Blathers

* Please Stop Fact-Checking My Ass

* The Ratherington Post

* How Much Is That Selectric In the Window?

* 43 Years At CBS and Not Even a Freakin' Gold Watch to Show For It - Cheap, Back-Stabbing Bastards!

* Oh Yeah? Well I Wouldn't Come Back Now If You Got Down On Your Hands and Knees and BEGGED Me!... Although I Suppose It Wouldn't Hurt To Try...

* D!scount V1agra! - The GoogleBait Blog

* Vast Mainstream Wing Conspiracy

* Courage - The Blog

* Authenticated Signatures, Journalistic Integrity and Other Oxymorons

* It's NOT Bush's Fault (Just Kidding)

* Crouching Liar, Hidden Agenda

---

He might also call it IMAOpodcast.com, since heaven knows THAT one's not being used.

Any other possibilities?

Comments (12)

IMAO's Equal Opportunity Policy

Posted by Harvey at 03:51 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Although IMAO's hostility toward liberals has been getting a lot of attention lately, I would like to remind our readers that it's the official policy of IMAO to make offensive, derogatory, belitting jokes about EVERYONE, regardless of political alignment, religious belief, skin color, gender, sexual preference, national origin, or any other Self-Chosen Affiliation Marker that typically grants protected-victim status.

So, if you would like to file a grievance because your SCAM has not been sufficiently mocked or derided by IMAO, please leave a comment telling us what your SCAM is, and one of our culturally-insensitive customer slurvice representatives will hurl a thoughtless epithet in your direction.

If your comment is ignored, please keep trying, as your petulant indignation is important to us.

Thank you for reading.

"IMAO: A Multicultural Rainbow of Diverseful Offensivity Since 2002"

Comments (35)

April 29, 2006

The New InstaPodcast - Don't Bother

Posted by Harvey at 05:24 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

All he does is spend 90 minutes pimping his new book:

(click to enlarge)

On the other hand, I kinda like his new intro music, which is a dozen bars of "How Much Is That Doggie In the Window?" that's cut short by the sound of a blender on "liquefy".

Comments (2)

April 26, 2006

Wrong Tony

Posted by Harvey at 09:40 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

I was deeply disappointed to hear that Tony Snow got the job as White House Press Secretary. I can't believe that President Bush overlooked all the many other talented Tonys out there who would've made better picks:

---

Tony Hawk - Need to dodge a tough question? Just jump the skateboard onto the podium and do a Figure 4 Calf Wrap Flamingo Pretzel Plant Brain Surgeon with a Mute Grab 900 into the press pit. Reporters will be too dazzled, distracted, and/or wounded to ask a follow-up.

Fat Tony D'Amico - Didn't see nothin', and will have the offended reporter quietly piano-wired when no-one's looking. If questioned, will respond "What's a moider?"

Tony Bennett - Political spin is always more convincing when sung to the tune of "Fly Me to the Moon".

Tony Blair - "I'd love to answer that question, but it's tea time, so sod off!

Dr. Phat Tony - Will brutally taser any MSM joker who steps out of line.

Tony Dow - He probably wouldn't be good at dodging questions, but it'd be funny to hear the reporters start all their questions with "Gee, Wally..."

Tony Randall - Tough question? He'll just fake a sinus attack.

Tony the Tiger - Has an inarguable, two-word answer to any question regarding whether Bush's policies will be good for America.

Tony Stewart - "I can't hear your stupid question over the sound of my engine!"

Tony Danza - The only question he'll get is "Did you every 'Danza slap' Alyssa Milano?"

---

It'd also be cool to have Anthony Hopkins eat the reporters' livers, but he's not technically a "Tony".

Any Tonys I missed?

Comments (30)

April 23, 2006

UC Santa Cruz "Comfort Brigade" Recruiters Welcomed on Campus

Posted by Harvey at 06:55 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(CAUTION: Due to mature themes, reader discretion is advised)

Although Michelle Malkin (whose right to be both a woman and a minority I fully support) has done an excellent job covering the UC Santa Cruz protests against on-campus Army recruiters, she missed the story on the sidelines.

Concerned that soldiers in Iraq might not be getting sufficient "female companionship" from the local burkha-babes, a number of young, enthusiastic, and horizontally-accessible co-eds were on hand to recruit new members for the Army's "Comfort Brigade".

[click to enlarge any picture]

Senior Luv U. Longtime promotes the ambitious goal of the Comfort Brigade, and shows her determination that no soldier should have to go without.

"A lot of organizations exist that will forward care packages to soldiers in need", said Senior Amanda Huginkiss, "but we know darn well that those brave men on the front lines have other, more urgent needs as well, and we won't get off our backs until those needs are met."

Who needs body armor when the Comfort Brigade will gladly take your bullet?

Although many apply, not all are chosen. Only the most nubile and flexible of the volunteers will pass the rigorous screenings.

Junior Ivana B. Laid passes her "perkiness check" with flying colors.

The recruitment drive provoked its own protests, though. Mostly ugly guys with hygiene issues who realized with dawning horror what the loss of the campus's loosest women would mean to them.

"Hey!" shouted this unidentified smelly loser, "they're stealing our sluts!"

Idiots like this were largely ignored, however, as most people preferred to ogle the Comfort Brigade Veteran's Parade.

Comfort Brigade Veterans stand proudly behind their service record.

Best of all, the Comfort Brigade's activities completely erased the efforts of the UCSC radical anti-war nuts by actually causing an increase in on-campus recruiting.

Campus security holds back the throng of eager new Army volunteers, and one confused lesbian who thought she was in line at the Tofu Hut.

But with all the hype and breathless promises flying around during the Comfort Brigade's recruitment drive, the discerning reader will still pause to ask the most important question of all: Can the Comfort Brigade really bring all the spine-tingling satisfaction that our soldiers so desperately need?

Well...

Just ask #1535.

Comments (35)

April 22, 2006

InstaBunny - A Love Story

Posted by Harvey at 02:15 PM | TrackBack (2) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Five years ago, at a Las Vegas Furry Convention, Glenn Reynolds met the love of his life, Bonita Bunny:

(click to enlarge)

Today they live in Memphis with their three children:

(click to enlarge)

You may have noticed that Glenn lets his kids guest-post from time to time.

[top pic courtesy of Cadet Happy]

Comments (4)

April 19, 2006

Secrets of the WMD Trailers: REVEALED!

Posted by Harvey at 09:53 PM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Lacking any fresh mud with which to smear the Bush administration, the "unbiased" media is re-hashing old accusations of President Bush lying about WMD.

Ok, so maybe those two trailers they found in May of '03 weren't "mobile biological weapons labs", but I have a hard time believing the claims that they were used to "produce hydrogen for weather balloons". Why would Iraq need weather balloons? Does the weather report ever change over there?

"Today will be incredibly freakin' hot with a [random number] percent chance of sandstorms. After sunset, your camel will freeze his hump off".

Anyway, here are my half-baked lunatic theories on what those trailers were ACTUALLY used for:

---

* Mobile helium production facilities - Those goofy terrorists just love inhaling balloon gas and yelling "Durka! Durka! Jihad! Jihad!" in a funny Mickey Mouse voice.

* Coyote trailers - Just in case any Mexicans felt like sneaking across the border into Iraq to steal jobs from hard-working Islamofascists.

* Super secret Death Star Control Platform - SHHHHH! Secret! You no tell!

* Scott McClellan's retirement home - Needed something big enough so that his chubby ass wouldn't get stuck in the doorway.

* It's where Michelle Malkin goes to strangle kittens with piano wire and/or mince them into brownies - Think of it as Camp David for MegaBloggers.

* It's where Glenn Reynolds goes to... aw, YOU know...

* Stolen oil storage facility - Since they only found 2 of them, President Bush wasn't able to steal NEARLY as much oil as originally planned.

* He was warned about this by numerous retired generals, but did he listen? NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

* Originally designed as a Stupid Hippy Human Shield Transportation Device - Driven only once. Still can't get the smell out.

* Production facilities for Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream - Now you know where their delicious "Caramel Camel" and "Go Pound Sandies" flavors come from.

---

I was going to mention that they were also on Rumsfeld's "Things That Need A Good Nukin'" list, but - let's be honest - what isn't?

Comments (4)

April 15, 2006

Signs of the Glennpocalypse

Posted by Harvey at 12:33 PM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Strange events are said to signal the end of the world.

Which is a bad thing, unless you're a supernatural evil entity who plans to rule during the coming dark age.

Or Glenn Reynolds, which is pretty much the same thing.

When he's not "Indeed"-ing his way through yet ANOTHER link to some legal-mumbo-jumbo-filled Ann Althouse post, he's actively working to bring about the Apocalypse. Here are some signs to watch for:

---

* Glenn moves Instapundit back to its old Blogspot site, explaining that "the Blogger platform is now technologically superior to Movable Type".

* Instapundit(.blogspot.com) endorses Hillary for president in 2008 based on her endorsement of a "free healthcare for bloggers" program.

* PajamasMedia unveils its new open-bathrobe logo and changes its name to FlasherMedia.

* Glenn Reynolds answers the only honest e-mail from Nigeria and rakes in seven million dollars.

* Instapundit(.blogspot.com) becomes a group blog featuring Plague, War, Death, Famine, and Laurence Simon.

---

The appearance of a post at IMAO on a Saturday would not be a sign of impending Apocalypse, but rather a sign that the world has already ended.

Comments (4)

April 12, 2006

Reuters Maintains Journalistic Standards

Posted by Harvey at 10:48 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

In their eagerness to shout "Dismal failure!" about the war, the Reuters news service blindly swallowed claims by Iraqi terrorists that they had video footage of them capturing a downed helicopter.

Well, they DID have footage - unfortunately the time stamp on it was March 19, 2000, and it was probably of a helicopter crash in Afghanistan.

So I guess I shouldn't have been TOO surprised over their coverage of the latest criticisms of Donald Rumsfeld (in the extended entry)...

Read More »

(click to enlarge)

By the way, the "INSIDE" quote from the General is... well, let's just say "fake, but accurate". [see third paragraph from bottom]

« Close It

Comments (9)

April 07, 2006

A Message To Instapundit

Posted by Harvey at 09:54 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

When Glenn received a copy of "King Dork" in the mail, his secretary wondered if someone was maybe trying to tell him something.

Which leads me to wonder what I should send to drop him a hint. A sort of subtle intervention, as it were.

For example...

---

This book says "it's time for you to get some help for your liquified canine addiction":

***

This book says "your last human sacrifice managed to leave a trail of clues, although you would've gotten away with it if it handn't been for those meddling kids."

***

This book says, "if you're going to practice a religion, then practice it religiously."

***

This giant flag featuring every protester's favorite dead 3-letter-name commie says "Mao is SOOOOOO 20th century. Get hip. Get trendy. Get sex from slutty hippy chicks. Get Che."

***

This book says "if you're going to punch Frank J., for Heaven's sake, do it right."

***

This CD says "how you dance is none of our business, but please do it in the privacy of your own home".

***

This 2006 Calendar says "I won't judge you, even though I disagree with your 'choice of lifestyle'"

***

And finally, this T-shirt says "wear one of these, and people will stop calling you King Dork."

---

Any messages YOU'D like to send to Instapundit?

Comments (4)

April 05, 2006

McKinney Supports Capitol Hill Police

Posted by Harvey at 09:05 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

During a press conference today, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney (D - Georgia) reiterated her support for the Capitol Hill Police.

"Those CHP are my favorite people ever," McKinney said, "I have all 6 seasons on DVD."

"Plus," she added, "you have to admit - Ponch has the dreamiest smile."

At this point Rep. McKinney was pelted with a barrage of rotten vegetables, leaving her unable to comment on whether she also supports Wilmer Valderrama's assumption of Erik Estrada's role in the movie scheduled for release in 2008.

Comments (12)

The Hippies, The

Posted by Harvey at 08:34 AM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

Via Freedom Folks, I found the BEST car commercial EVER.

Oh, it's not something they'll ever air. More of a fan film, really.

On the other hand, considering that Vault has made it acceptable to fire lasers at hippies, maybe this thing might come to the small screen after all.

UPDATE: The extra-happy 60-second version of the Vault scarecrow commercial.

Comments (9)

April 03, 2006

How Inadequate is Sean Penn's Manhood?

Posted by Harvey at 11:19 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Judging by the word "we" in the quote from this news story regarding what he does with his Ann Coulter doll:

"We violate her. There are cigarette burns in some funny places. She's a pure snake-oil salesman. She doesn't believe a word she says." [emphasis added]

The answer appears to be "too small to noticably penetrate a small plastic doll without assistance".

[Hat tip to apparently blogless IMAO reader TJ for the suggestion]

Comments (8)

March 31, 2006

Instapundit's Exciting Weekend

Posted by Harvey at 06:44 PM | TrackBack (2) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Saw this at Reynolds' site:

my younger brother worked as an assistant there, boiling down corpses in turpentine with his grad-student girlfriend. Now that's an exciting weekend...

Giving his hobo-murdering habits, this one isn't TOO surprising, but it does make me wonder what ELSE this guy does for fun.

Unfortunately I found out. Turn's out he's going to be spending THIS weekend at a ski resort in Vail, Colorado, indulging in one of his favorite recreational sports:

EXTREME PUPPY BLENDING!

Now that's an exciting weekend...

Comments (11)

March 29, 2006

Protest Rallies - Opportunity for Inclusiveness

Posted by Harvey at 09:03 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

A recent DC anti-war protest turned out some disappointing numbers for the screeching loony left, and I can't help thinking that they could REALLY improve their attendance figures if they made the events just a LITTLE more red-stater friendly. After all, liberals ARE about being open-minded & non-judgmental, right?

Since I consider myself a fairly typical warmongering, right-wing, gun nut, here's what they could do to get ME to show up to one of their little kook-keggers:

---

* More SUV parking

* More crazy naked PETA chicks [PG13]!

* I'd really enjoy a Dick Cheney hunter safety course, because every time I try to shoot a lawyer, I end up hitting a quail in the face.

* Sell "Ann Coulter Gone Wild!" DVD's

* Schedule the protest on a weekend so that the gainfully employed can attend.

* Ergonomic comfort-gel Sof-Grip protest sign-handles ("Just say 'NO' to splinters!")

* Free John Kerry silhouette shooting targets ("10 points for the important-looking hair!")

* Free Korans - I've got a wobbly table with a short leg at home.

* Free shampoo - which I'll gladly provide myself if they promise to use it. Seriously - who's the lunatic who told white people they could wear dreadlocks?

* Free Palestine - I always see booths offering it, but when I get there, they never have any. I wonder if it's like funnel cake?

---

Actually, I'd gladly attend one of those things - and even wave around a "No Blood For Oil!" sign - if they'd just do one simple thing:

* Ban braless grandmothers.

Anyway, what would get YOU to go to a anti-war protest rally?

Comments (22)

March 28, 2006

Photoshop of the Day

Posted by Harvey at 11:38 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

What's a Jihadi's favorite breakfast cereal?

Koran Flakes

Comments (6)

March 25, 2006

Will the Scandals Never End?

Posted by Harvey at 01:27 PM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

(click to enlarge)

Lynndie England's younger, hotter sister, Emily, hard at work in the Abu Ghraib Daycare Center

(either that, or whatever CENTCOM says it is)

Comments (3)

March 24, 2006

Why Glenn Reynolds Loves His Grandma

Posted by Harvey at 10:34 PM | TrackBack (2) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

While surfing Instapundit, I was stopped dead in my tracks by this line:

"I've been hanging out with my grandmother, and enjoying it."

Odd. Outside of eating her chocolate chip cookies, I never enjoyed MY grandmother's company. Although her habit of balancing her dentures on her nose, tossing them up in the air, and catching them in her mouth may have had something to do with it.

Anyway, turns out that there are two reasons Glenn enjoys visiting Granny so much.

First, she always takes him out hobo-hunting:

"Look! It's Nick Nolte! Let's get 'im!"

Second, Elly May is totally freakin' HOT!

Now before you go "EWWWW! She's his cousin! That's just WRONG!", just be relieved that it's not his sister.

Not that THAT matters in Tennessee.

Comments (4)

March 22, 2006

If Democrats Ran Iraq

Posted by Harvey at 09:06 PM | TrackBack (2) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

The new Iraqi Parliament that was elected last December has finally been sworn in, but - due to an egregious mix-up at the ballot box - it turned out that all those elected were actually American Democrats.

Vowing to "do for Iraq what Bushitler won't let us do for America", the new Parliament promised to do the following during its first 100 days:

---

* Outlaw use of the word "terrorist" - replace it with "person of murder".

* No more death penalty. Except for those who refer to a person of murder as a "terrorist"

* Also outlawed will be the phrase "camel jockey", unless it's used at an actual camel race.

* Or by a rap artist.

* It will be illegal to bow toward Mecca at a public school.

* Having a non-denominational "moment of bending" isn't acceptable either.

* No one will be allowed to draw cartoons of Jesus, Buddha, or Moses. However, the Iraqi government WILL fund artworks such as the urine-soaked holy book, "Whiz Koran".

* No cartoons of Cindy Sheehan, either, because her son died for George Bush's sins.

* BUUUUUUUUUUUSH! *shakes fist at sky*

* Floor sweeping will be forbidden in all bars and restaurants, due to the hazards of "secondhand dirt".

* Meanwhile, the tax on brooms will be raised another 50 cents.

* No one will be allowed to own a gun except for police and persons of murder.

* Camel spiders will now be considered an endangered species, and no oil drilling will be allowed in their habitats.

* Unless the oil is being sold to France, Germany, Russia, or China.

* All camels will be required to get an average of 28 miles per gallon of water.

* 38 for the economy 1-hump models

* Witnesses in court trials have to swear to tell the truth while placing their hand on a copy of "Heather Has Two Mommies".

* All of Saddam's old presidential Palaces will be re-named "The Robert C. Byrd Memorial Palace", followed by a Roman numeral.

* And stop nagging Senator Byrd to apologize for his Klan membership! You people are like a pitbull on a mailman's leg with that!

* All sand dunes will be made wheelchair accessible.

* The new Iraqi flag will be an upside down American flag with a picture of Michael Moore's butt on it.

* Women will have equal rights. To apply for these rights, they should send a resume to intern@cigarsinparliament.com.

---

Frankly, *I'd* be ok with all of these, as long as they make "Democracy! Whiskey! Sexy!" the new Iraqi National anthem. (explanatory reference)

Comments (10)

March 18, 2006

Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Instapundit, But Were Too Afraid to Ask

Posted by Harvey at 12:47 PM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Sure, you know about the puppy blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshipping, commie praising, robot dancing, Frank J. punching, and penguin porn, but here are some things you DIDN'T know about Glenn Reynolds:

---

* Glenn Reynolds can crash you server just by thinking about linking to you.

* Glenn Reynolds writes Garfield fan-strips, all of which end with Odie getting stuffed into a blender.

* They're STILL less predictable than the ones Jim Davis writes.

* You know that asteroid belt between Mars & Jupiter? That used to be a planet until Glenn Reynolds thought about linking to it.

* The KKK was completely harmless until Glenn Reynolds suggested that they put eye-holes in their hoods.

* Spammers originally got the idea for sending out a million e-mails per day by watching Glenn Reynolds post at Instapundit.

* It was Glenn Reynolds who first said to William Hung - "You've got talent. Go audition for American Idol."

* Satan's biggest fear is that he'll have to spend eternity with Glenn Reynolds after he dies.

* Glenn Reynolds' glasses are the only thing keeping his laser vision from incinerating the universe.

* Glenn Reynolds once deflected a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick by thinking about linking to it.

* Glenn Reynolds murdered Socrates by telling him his cup of hemlock was actually a Starbucks Iced White Chocolate Macchiato

* Nuclear bombs fear Glenn Reynolds going off on them.

* There's more than one way to skin a cat, and they were all discovered by Glenn Reynolds.

* Glenn Reynolds is the leader of the terrorist group Hehmas.

* One drop of Glenn Reynolds' bath water contains enough residual evil to de-sanctify Vatican City.

* Puppy blood is the secret ingredient in Insta-Cola.

* When CNN interviews Glenn Reynolds, they have to put special filters on the camera lenses, lest TV viewers be turned to stone.

* As for the fate of the audience in the studio... now you know where garden gnomes come from.

* Glenn Reynolds' remote control only has one button. When he presses it, his TV automatically tunes to the evilest show available.

* Usually "Full House".

* Glenn Reynolds' printer is a Hewlett-Packed BloodJet model 900.

* Spelling "Glenn Reynolds" on a Scrabble board will summon the demon Atazoth who - legends say - will exact retribution on the Overworld by getting Hillary elected in '08.

* Google recently changed their motto to "Don't be Glenn Reynolds".

* Glenn Reynolds personally hand-stitched Janet Jackson's Superbowl outfit.

* The blind leading the blind isn't so bad... Glenn Reynolds likes leading them into traffic during rush hour.

* In Glenn Reynolds' DVD collection, "Schindler's List" is filed under "Comedy", right between "Saw 2" and "Scream".

* Glenn Reynolds taught Senator Palpatine how to do that fingertip-lightning thing.

* The Lemarchand Box in "Hellraiser" is a device used by Cenobites to summon Glenn Reynolds.

* Glenn Reynolds never thought about linking to Martha Stewart, but he DID send her an e-mail on December 26, 2001, that was completly blank except for the word "Sell".

* Glenn Reynolds introduced Bill to Monica.

* Good things come to those who wait - unless Glenn Reynolds steals them first.

* Glenn Reynolds never actually punched Frank J. - he got Frank J. to punch himself by thinking about linking to him.

---

I wonder what would happen if I spelled "Frank J." on a Scrabble board...

Comments (24)

March 16, 2006

Links of The Day

Posted by Harvey at 11:28 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Photoshop/Caption contest at GOP and College - Senator Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) standing next to a sign that says "DANGEROUSLY INCOMPETENT". As a courtesy to those who wish to photoshop a new message, I've created a copy of image with the board already blanked out, which you can download from here.

Meanwhile, The Right Place Blog provides compelling evidence that Bush might actually BE Hitler.

Comments (5)

March 15, 2006

Bush's New Advisors

Posted by Harvey at 09:23 PM | TrackBack (2) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

[Caution - the second to last link in this post is rated NC17]

Hollywood asshats like George Clooney are full of bad advice when it comes to hunting down terrorists - usually it boils down to something like "Just ignore them and they'll go away... Unless they don't... in which case it's Bush's fault for not connecting the dots."

Now, I'm sure President Bush isn't actually listening to George Clooney, but he's getting bad advice from SOMEWHERE, because the terrorist body count is still under seven figures, there are no internment camps for either Muslims OR hippies, and Michael Moore has yet to be thrown into a crocodile pit.

As a courtesy to our Commander-in-Chief, I assembled a focus group to give advice on how to win the War on Terror. The executive summary follows:

---

Frank J. - "Nuke the moon."

Darth Vader - "Strangle annoying underlings to maintain discipline in the ranks. There's no reason why that jellyfish Colin Powell should've left the State Department alive."

Dick Cheney - "Aim for the face."

Donald Rumsfeld - "Hey! Vader stole my advice!"

Ann Coulter - "Invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity."

Gandalf - "More Hobbits"

Michael Jackson - "Give the terrorists a little Jesus Juice, and they'll be ripe for the picking."

Jeffrey Dahmer - "Beat 'em with a mallet for a while, otherwise they'll be too tough and stringy."

Laura Roslin - "Throw 'em out the airlock."

Harry Potter - "I'm a pansy. Let Hermione handle it."

C3P0 - "I suggest a new strategy. Let the Wookie win."

Barney the Dinosaur - "Lots of hugs!... and explosives!"

John Cleese - "Wait... are these terrorists armed with bananas or raspberries?"

Satan - "Just get the Arabs high-speed internet access. They'll be too busy Boobling for pr0n to kill anybody... By the way, has anyone seen my autographed copy of 'An Army of Davids'?"

---

If anyone else has conducted a focus group recently, feel free to share excerpts from your executive summaries in the comments.

Comments (19)

March 14, 2006

Democrat Mottos

Posted by Harvey at 12:16 PM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

Democrats.com sent Frank J. an e-mail wherein they unveiled their new motto:

"victory is possible!!"

Now THERE'S a rallying cry [insert dramatic eye-roll].

I wonder what mottos they rejected?

---

"we might not come in last!!"

"it's only MOSTLY completely hopeless!!"

"don't quit your day job!!"

"why can't you be more like your brother Murray?!!"

"I've got a good feeling about this SuperLotto ticket!!"

"I wish I could quit you!!"

"my MOM says I'm cool!!"

---

Any other suggestions?

Comments (28)

March 11, 2006

Glenn Reynolds PR Flack on CNN

Posted by Harvey at 07:16 PM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

In an apparent effort to clean up his image, Glenn Reynolds hired a Public Relations agent to try to spin his image so he doesn't look quite so much like the blackhearted dominar of the blogosphere that we all know him to be. Here's a transcript of the CNN "On The Story" interview with info-hottie Abbi Tatton:

---

ABBI: Instapundit - is he the eagle-eyed Truth watchdog of new media, or just talentless hack pajama-wearing blogger who lives in his mother's basement and tortures animals for fun? Today we're speaking with Twist Spinner, the Public Relations agent for Glenn Reynolds who promises to help us sort fact from fiction.

TWIST: Pleasure to be here with you today, since I really dig chicks with big hair. Anyone ever tell you that you look a little like Monica Lewinsky?

ABBI: [giggles] Flatterer!... but seriously, what's up with that puppy blending thing?

TWIST: A rumor wrapped in a falsehood inside a distortion. While Mr. Reynolds DOES frequently put puppies in blenders and grind them into a bloody pulp, it has nothing to do with the supposed "consuming their cuteness for energy" that's usually ascribed to it. He only does it to prevent the spread of Bird Flu. This dangerous disease threatens all of humanity and recently jumped from birds to weasels. Reynolds discovered that it's now affecting dogs:

and he's just trying to save the world from disease-ridden mutants, sort of like when Darth Vader blended the Jedi Younglings in Star Wars Episode III in an attempt to save the Old Republic.

ABBI: I see... what about the Robot Dancing?

TWIST: Glenn Reynolds believes in celebrating multicultural diversity, and as part of his Black History Month festivities, he showcased several dance styles - like the Robot Dance - made popular by great African-American entertainers like MC Hammer, Michael Jackson, Vanilla Ice, and Donny Osmond. It's his way of fighting back against racism.

ABBI: But doesn't he usually do his Robot Dancing while praising communists?

TWIST: You know, Abbi, great African-American leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King were also frequently smeared as communists by the racist right-wing media, and I'm disappointed by your crass perpetuation of this bigoted myth. Thank God for the pioneering work of Mr. Reynolds. With his help, the healing can finally begin.

ABBI: What about the Satan-worshipping?

TWIST: Another attempt at prejudicial fear-mongering. His religious services are frequently described as "Black masses in service of the Prince of Darkness", but surely you can see that "black" and "darkness" are just racist code-words used by the white Republican power structure to promote negative stereotypes against our melanin-enhanced brethren.

ABBI: So you're saying President Bush is a skinhead Neo-Nazi because he worships God?... Well, I guess that explains why he blew up the levees in New Orleans... What about Glenn's habitual punching of Frank J.? Is that a symbolic blow against the white Republican power structure?

TWIST: No, it's just fun to make Frank J. cry like a girl.

ABBI: I see... Well, that's all the time we have today. Join us next week here at "On The Story" when superstar blogger Michelle Malkin will be sharing her recipe for minced kitten brownies.

Comments (4)

March 09, 2006

Looks Like We Lost the War on Terror

Posted by Harvey at 02:36 AM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

First, the Mainstream Media caves in by being too cowardly to print the Muhammed cartoons.

Could the fast food industry be next?

I suppose having Whoppers made out of camel meat would be an improvement, though...

Comments (8)

March 07, 2006

Argument Clinic - 2006

Posted by Harvey at 09:44 AM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

(news article link via Beth of Yeah, Right, Whatever)

81-year-old Myron Manders was listed by the Social Security Administration as being dead.

His showing up the SSA office to correct the error was insufficient to prove to them otherwise.

A transcript of the discussion - as captured by SSA security tapes of the incident - follows in the extended entry (with apologies to Monty Python)...

Read More »

---

MYRON MANDERS: [Knock]

SOCIAL SECURITY: Come in.

MYRON MANDERS: Ah, Is this the right room to prove that I'm alive?

SOCIAL SECURITY: I told you once.

MYRON MANDERS: No you haven't

SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes I have.

MYRON MANDERS: When?

SOCIAL SECURITY: Just now.

MYRON MANDERS: No you didn't.

SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes I did.

MYRON MANDERS: You didn't

SOCIAL SECURITY: I did!

MYRON MANDERS: You didn't!

SOCIAL SECURITY: I'm telling you I did!

MYRON MANDERS: You did not!!

SOCIAL SECURITY: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Are you actually alive, or just on paper?

MYRON MANDERS: Oh, I'm actually alive.

SOCIAL SECURITY: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.

MYRON MANDERS: You most certainly did not.

SOCIAL SECURITY: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.

MYRON MANDERS: No you did not.

SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes I did.

MYRON MANDERS: No you didn't.

SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes I did.

MYRON MANDERS: No you didn't.

SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes I did.

MYRON MANDERS: No you didn't.

SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes I did.

MYRON MANDERS: You didn't.

SOCIAL SECURITY: Did.

MYRON MANDERS: Oh look, this isn't helping me prove I'm alive.

SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes it is.

MYRON MANDERS: No it isn't. It's just bureaucratic idiocy.

SOCIAL SECURITY: No it isn't.

MYRON MANDERS: It is!

SOCIAL SECURITY: It is not.

MYRON MANDERS: Look, you just acted like a bureaucratic idiot.

SOCIAL SECURITY: I did not.

MYRON MANDERS: Oh you did!!

SOCIAL SECURITY: No, no, no.

MYRON MANDERS: You did just then.

SOCIAL SECURITY: Nonsense!

MYRON MANDERS: Oh, this is futile!

SOCIAL SECURITY: No it isn't.

MYRON MANDERS: I came here to prove that I'm alive.

SOCIAL SECURITY: No you didn't; no, you came here to update the form that says you're deceased. Which you can't do because you're not alive.

MYRON MANDERS: Whether I'm alive or not isn't dependant on what's written on some silly government form.

SOCIAL SECURITY: It can be.

MYRON MANDERS: No it can't. Being alive is a medical status of continual cardiac, respiratory, and cerebral functionality.

SOCIAL SECURITY: No it isn't.

MYRON MANDERS: Yes it is! It's not a bloody checkmark on a form!

SOCIAL SECURITY: Look, dead people are indicated on this form by the word "deceased", aren't they?

MYRON MANDERS: Yes, but a scribble on a piece of paper is NOT the same thing as being a lifeless corpse bereft of the aninimating spirit!

SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes it is!

MYRON MANDERS: No it isn't!

SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes it is!

MYRON MANDERS: Life is an ongoing physical process. What's on the form is merely a subsidiary function of whether I am currently engaged in that process. My continued existence is the controlling factor for what's on that form.

[short pause]

SOCIAL SECURITY: No it isn't.

MYRON MANDERS: It is.

SOCIAL SECURITY: Not at all.

MYRON MANDERS: Now look.

SOCIAL SECURITY: [Rings bell] Good Morning.

MYRON MANDERS: What?

SOCIAL SECURITY: That's it. Good morning.

MYRON MANDERS: I was just getting my point across.

SOCIAL SECURITY: Sorry, the form still says you're dead.

MYRON MANDERS: I was never dead!

SOCIAL SECURITY: I'm afraid you are.

MYRON MANDERS: I'm not.

[Pause]

SOCIAL SECURITY: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to talk to dead people.

MYRON MANDERS: What?!

SOCIAL SECURITY: If you want me change the form to indicate that you're not dead, you'll have to be alive to do it.

MYRON MANDERS: Yes, but I *am* alive! Oh come on!

SOCIAL SECURITY: [Hums]

MYRON MANDERS: Look, this is ridiculous.

SOCIAL SECURITY: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to talk to you unless you're alive... and you pay the "updating the paperwork" fee...

MYRON MANDERS: Oh, all right.

[pays money]

SOCIAL SECURITY: Thank you.

[short pause]

MYRON MANDERS: Well?

SOCIAL SECURITY: Well what?

MYRON MANDERS: You can mark me down as being alive now.

SOCIAL SECURITY: I told you, I'm not allowed to talk to you unless you're not dead and you pay the fee.

MYRON MANDERS: I just paid!

SOCIAL SECURITY: No you didn't.

MYRON MANDERS: I DID!

SOCIAL SECURITY: No you didn't.

MYRON MANDERS: Look, I'm alive and I paid the fee.

SOCIAL SECURITY: Well, you couldn't have paid, because your file still lists you as being dead.

MYRON MANDERS: Aha! If I'm dead, why are you talking to me? I Got you!

SOCIAL SECURITY: No you haven't.

MYRON MANDERS: Yes I have. If you're talking to me, I must be alive and I must have paid.

SOCIAL SECURITY: Not necessarily. I could have stolen this money off your corpse.

MYRON MANDERS: Oh I've had enough of this.

SOCIAL SECURITY: No you haven't.

MYRON MANDERS: Oh Shut up!

« Close It

Comments (14)

IMAO - Now With More Estrogen!

Posted by Harvey at 07:28 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Since Frank J. has finally seen fit to show his dainty side, I figure it's only fair that I should share the fact that - despite my gruff and bushy-faced exterior - I am actually a model of caring, sensitivity, and empathy. Princess Cat of A Swift Kick & A Band-Aid has the TMI 411 on why I'm such a hit with the ladies.

Comments (2)

March 05, 2006

Peace in Afghanistan

Posted by Harvey at 06:04 PM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

(click to enlarge)

Brought to you by:

Old Navy brand bottled water.

[Hat tip to (and the real story behind the photo at) CENTCOM]

Comments (4)

No-So-Great Moments in Cross-Cultural Communication

Posted by Harvey at 05:46 PM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

Sometimes outreach works, sometimes it doesn't.

Look, it's really simple - the music stops, and everyone tries to sit down. I don't know why you guys aren't getting the hang of this...

[Hat tip to (and the real story behind the photo at) CENTCOM]

Comments (2)

March 03, 2006

Glenn Reynolds - What's He Hiding?

Posted by Harvey at 10:07 PM | TrackBack (2) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

When Instapundit covered the "Ricin in Texas" story, he was amazingly quick to dismiss it as nothing.

Which makes wonder how he knows so much about illicit items such as this that he could confirm or deny its legitimacy from a thousand miles away. Isn't that more knowledge than a simple country lawyer should have?

Made me wonder what he's been up to, so I tossed his house while he was out pimping his book, and although I didn't find any chemical or biological weapons, I *did* find the following suspicious items:

---

* A scale model of New Orleans with signs near Lake Pontchartrain saying "levee bombs go here".

* An original vintage 1960's Easy Bake Meth Lab.

* A copy of John Wayne Gacy's "Clowning For Dummies".

* A Samurai sword forged in 593 B.C., with the metal in the blade folded over 200 times.

* A first edition of "To Serve Man", in the original Kanamit.

* The shrunken head of Steven Den Beste.

* Twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was.

* Michele Malkin's minced kitten brownie recipe.

* A "Tickle Me Osama" doll.

* A small vial of something which I did not smell, and therefore assume to be Iocane powder.

---

I also found a voice-operated blender in every room with varying amounts of leftover puppy coagulating in them, but these didn't strike me as being odd.

All I have to do now is figure out what he plans to do with all this stuff...

Comments (9)

March 01, 2006

Secret Weapon for the War on Terror

Posted by Harvey at 08:46 PM | TrackBack (2) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

According to this story, a slain soldier's widow successfully sued a guy who was giving money to Al Qaeda, which means that - thanks to one of the few lawyers not shot by Dick Cheney - the War on Terror is $102 million dollars closer to being over.

It occurs to me there's another underutilized American resource that could be put to work fighting Islamofascism - Pakistani cab drivers!

Picture this:

---

TERRORIST: Take me to government building where I can murder innocent people! ULULULULULULU!

PCD: I cannot please to be speaking your English! I get you hotel? Airport? Cocaine? Hookers? Durka! Durka!

TERRORIST: Jihad! Jihad!

PCD: Look Mohammed, I only talk that way to screw with the Yuppies. I don't actually speak your wacky Arab monkey-jabber durka-durka crap! Either take the broads & coke or get the hell out of my cab!

TERRORIST: Fine! I'll get someone else to take me! [gets out, slams door]

PCD: The only place you're going is between the treads of my Goodyear All-Season radials, you terrorist bastard! [sound of squealing tires]

TERRORIST: AIEEEEEE! *squish!*

PCD: USA! USA! USA!

---

God bless our patriotic geographically-imported transportation engineers.

Comments (11)

February 25, 2006

Fun Facts About Maryland - The Director's Cut

Posted by Harvey at 08:13 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The version on the IMAO podcast (Feb 13th "It's About Something, We Think") was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision is in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to take a wrong turn at the Washington Monument and accidentally wind up in Maryland, so let's get started...

Maryland became the 7th state on April 28th, 1788 after it finally agreed to stop trying to invade Delaware to steal its oil.

The state bird of Maryland is the Oriole, which should NOT be confused with any similarly-named, chocolate-flavored, creme-filled sandwich cookies.

The state flag of Maryland is best described as, "a Picasso painting of a checkboard as interpreted by Andy Warhol while very drunk and standing on one leg."

The state flower of Maryland is the Black-Eyed Susan, or - as it's referred to by feminists - the "Justifiable Homicide Plant".

The highest point in Maryland is Backbone Mountain. It's 3360 feet tall, and has never been climbed by a Frenchman.

The state motto of Maryland is, "Yup, pretty much just a suburb of DC".

Maryland's nickname of "The Old Line State" is somewhat of a misnomer, since most of its residents prefer to freebase their cocaine.

Maryland was named after Henrietta Maria, wife of King Charles I of England. They WERE going to call is "Henriettaland", but decided that sounded too much like some kind of pussycat-puppet-related theme park.

The lowest point in Maryland is Bloody Point Hole, at 174 feet below sea level. It used to be deeper, but Karl Rove's been using it a lot lately to dispose of "stifled dissenters", if you know what I mean.

Presidential assassin John Wilkes Booth was born in Bel Air, Maryland in 1838. Because of his high-profile crime, all US theaters now have "Marylander detectors" at each entrance as a security precaution.

Famous abolitionist Frederick Douglass was born in Tuckahoe, Maryland, which - and I can't emphasize this enough - starts with the letter "T", so really watch that left index finger while you're typing.

Another famous abolitionist - Harriet Tubman - was born in Dorchester County, Maryland and freed over 300 slaves during 20 trips between Maryland and Pennsylvania. Today, many black people honor her heroic journies by running up and down a wooden court for an hour, symbolically helping basketballs escape slavery by throwing them through "freedom hoops".

Gaithersburg, Maryland is home to the National Institute of Standards and Technology. It employs over 3000 pimply-faced geek-boys, none of whom have yet kissed a real girl.

National Anthem author Francis Scott Key was born in Frederick, Maryland, where he spent his formative years blowing stuff up and writing poetry about the explosions.

Baseball Hall-of-Famer Babe Ruth grew up in Baltimore, Maryland, and developed his legendary slugging prowess by working as a knee-cap breaker for local loan sharks.

The United States Naval Academy was founded on October 10, 1845 at Annapolis, Maryland. Coincidentally, the United States Hooker Academy was founded across the street the next day.

The first cathedral in the US was built in Baltimore, Maryland in 1821, mostly to clear the streets of the numerous drunken Irishmen passed out in the gutters.

Annapolis, Maryland once served as the capital of the US, but the Congressional building was eventually moved to Washington, D.C. to make room for the United States Hooker Academy.

The first dental school in the US opened at the University of Maryland in 1840. The early facilities were quite primitive, and the first class taught there was a course in how to make a set of dentures out of duct tape and roofing nails.

The Concord Point lighthouse is the oldest continuously operated lighthouse in Maryland, because no one in the state is smart enough to figure out how to operate the light switch.

Maryland was originally populated by confused colonists from Virginia who wandered too far north and got stuck in snowbanks.

Kind of explains the light switch thing, doesn't it?

The highest waterfall in Maryland is Muddy Creek Falls. At 63 feet tall, it's actually large enough for Michael Moore to fit underneath it, unless he's laying on his back.

In 1790 Maryland rounded up all the lawyers in the state and threw them into a fetid swamp near the southern border of the state, now known as Washington, D.C.

The first successful manned hot air balloon launch occurred in Baltimore, Maryland in 1784. The pilot - Edward Warren - reportedly described his trip as "a great way to peek down the front of women's dresses."

The state song of Maryland is "Maybe We Should've Killed Those Lawyers Before We Threw Them In That Swamp".

Well, that wraps up the Maryland edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be swerving off a bridge with Ted Kennedy as I visit Massachusetts.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a hot air balloon ride.

« Close It

Comments (14)

February 24, 2006

Mythbusters Does Instapundit

Posted by Harvey at 06:13 PM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Discovery Channel has a show called "Mythbusters" wherein special-effects experts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman examine popular urban legends, constructing elaborate experiments to determine whether they have any basis in fact. For example, if you use a bullet in place of one of your truck's fuses, can it go off and shoot you?

Recently, Adam & Jamie undertook one of their most intriguing investigations to date: Does the cuteness of a puppy actually effect its potency as an energy drink, as claimed by Glenn Reynolds?

First, test puppy A:

Wow! That's one ugly puppy!

After thorough blending:

The beverage was fed to an anonymous test subject, known only as F.J:

Hmmm... doesn't look too energetic...

Next, test puppy B:

Blend! Blend! Blend:

What does F.J. think about this one?

And there you have it folks, Glenn Reynolds was right: "the cuter the puppy, the better the energy drink"

Be sure to check out Mythbusters next week when they investigate whether worshipping Satan can make your crappy book rise to #1 at Amazon.

Comments (10)

February 22, 2006

War On Terror Greeting Card

Posted by Harvey at 09:19 PM | TrackBack (2) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Wandering about the greeting card aisle this last Valentine's Day, I was struck by the fact that there seems to be a card for almost every occasion.

Except the War on Terror.

It occurs to me that Hallmark could make a killing if they expanded their offerings a bit, for example:

---

The Osama Fatwa Card:

Infidels! You make me mad!
Praising Allah's not so bad.
You must do things Islam's way,
Listen now to what I say.

Pray five times toward Mecca town
Women covered with a gown
No more pork and no free speech
No bikinis on the beach

Obey me lest I chop your head
Blow you up, and make you dead.
I return to my cave now after that.
To dine upon this tasty rat.

YUM!

Love,
Osama

---

If nothing else, it'd save the terrorists the trouble of making all those badly-dubbed Osama podcasts.

Comments (4)

February 17, 2006

Glenn Reynolds Proves His Point

Posted by Harvey at 07:07 PM | TrackBack (2) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

During a recent interview on CNN, Glenn took the Legacy Media to task for not showing the infamously offensive Muhammed cartoons, saying "I think when you cover things up, you let people's imaginations run wild, and the results are often worse than if you expose things. The press is there to tell us things, not to hide things from us."

Ironically, CNN proved Glenn's point by omitting the portion of the interview where Glenn held up this controversial political cartoon:

Also omitted was footage of journalists rioting outside the building after the interview, where an ugly puppet of Reynolds was burned in effigy.

I know I'm risking my life by posting these pictures, but if I don't, then the journalists win.

Comments (3)

February 15, 2006

John Bolton's Peace Prize Nomination Papers

Posted by Harvey at 05:47 PM | TrackBack (2) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

I was tickled pink to discover that hard-core, ass-kicking US ambassador to the UN, John Bolton, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for playing a major role in exposing Iran's secret plans to develop nuclear weapons. To bolster his chances of winning, they also included a list of his other notable achievements:

---

* Author of "China Shopping For Bulls - The John Bolton Guide to Diplomacy"

* During 6-party talks on North Korea's nuclear program, shook down the other 5 parties for their lunch money

* Bolton plans to use the money to finance a mission to nuke the moon, pending the outcome of a copyright infringement suit filed by Frank J.

* Once caused a pigeon to explode in mid-air, just by looking at it.

* Kicked Paul Bunyan's ass and founded the "Bolton's Babe-Burgers" franchise.

* Due to lactose intolerance, had all lactoses rounded up and imprisoned at Gitmo.

* Led Lyndie England around on a leash while mocking her genitalia.

* Prefers to kill people with his bare hands so that he can look into their eyes and watch their souls leave their bodies.

* Eats newly-release souls to fuel the growth of his moustache.

* Hates working for the UN, since few of the ambassadors actually have souls.

* 'STACHE HUNGERS!

* Successfully went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.

* While not related to Michael Bolton, John does have a better singing voice.

* Of course, who doesn't?

* Once made a rock so big that he himself couldn't lift it.

* The flood waters did not recede from New Orleans quickly enough, so John Bolton drank them.

* On Halloween, witches frequently go out dressed up as John Bolton to frighten liberals.

* Plans to silence whiny California hippies by kicking the whole state right into the ocean.

* Went hunting with Dick Cheney, but used 'stache powers to deflect the birdshot.

* Buys dead-squirrel toupees from the same store as Donald Trump

* Favorite saying: "I like you. I'll kill you last. And by 'last', I mean 'first'."

* 'STACHE HUNGERS!

* When his term as UN Ambassador expires in 2007, plans to decapitate all the UN delegates he hasn't already killed so that he can at last be THE ONE and claim THE PRIZE.

* Used Kim Jong Il's poofy head as a loofah.

* Until Captain Kirk, the Klingons had no word for "surrender". After John Bolton, they will also have a word for "pants-wetting terror".

---

Of course, they neglected his most notable accomplishment - never having mistaken an elderly lawyer for a small bird.

Comments (18)

February 10, 2006

Instapundit Issues Fatwa

Posted by Harvey at 08:01 PM | TrackBack (3) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

After this controversial picture of a young girl holding a stuffed puppy appeared on the CENTCOM web site, the leader of the Instapundslam religion, Imam Glenn al-Reynolds, issued a fatwa condeming the image:

"The central tenet of Instapundslam is that puppies should be blended to make potent energy drinks for the blogging faithful. It is blasphemy of the highest order to depict them in any form that is either adorable or unblended. This cuddly manifestation of our sacred power source is an affront to our beliefs. We demand an apology and the immediate pureeing of this unholy fluff-filled icon. Hmmm. Heh. Jihad. Indeed."

Imam Glenn al-Reynolds

The heart-warming image of the loveable tot and her cherished toy has provoked uncontrolled rioting and robot-dancing world-wide by outraged Instapundslamists.

Blogger Michelle Malkin denounced the fatwa as "the fevered rantings of a power-hungry, Satan-worshipping, hobo-murdering madman", and encouraged bloggers everywhere to protest al-Reynolds' pronouncement by posting pictures of themselves snuggling with stuffed animals and sending a trackback to her site.

"Honestly," said Malkin, taking a bite of a brownie made from minced kittens, "what kind of wacky religion would drink blended puppies?"

Comments (10)

February 08, 2006

SOTU-safe T-shirt

Posted by Harvey at 08:36 PM | TrackBack (2) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

During Bush's State of the Union Address, Gold-Star Mother and crazed anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan was kicked out of the event for wearing a T-shirt that said "2245 Dead -- How Many More?".

Meanwhile, Beverly Young - wife of Congressman C.W. Bill Young, (R-Florida) - was given the boot for wearing a T-shirt that said "Support the Troops Defending Our Freedom."

Let's see, can't oppose the war... can't support the war... surely there's SOME t-shirt that's non-controversial enough to not get you kicked out of the SOTU address...

Maybe this Fun Cat Trivia T-shirt...

---

* Cats have 18 toes - 5 on each front paw, 4 on each back. If your cat has 19 toes, that means it's male and you're an idiot.

* White cats with blue eyes are deaf. White cats with one blue eye are deaf in one ear. White cats with glowing red eyes are witches. Drown them in holy water.

* A cat's normal body temperature is 102° F. unless it's trapped under a pile of burning books, in which case it's 451° F

* Cats have no eyelashes, so don't be suckered into buying Maybelline's "Catscara".

* Cats are colorblind and thus oppose Affirmative Action quotas.

* A cat can jump 7 times as high as it is tall, which impresses everyone except Chuck Norris.

* Cats can survive falls from great heights because their paw pads are made from the same material as Roger Rabbit's head.

* An adult cat blinks an average of three times per minute - about the same rate that Ted Kennedy drinks.

* Some common household objects are fatal to cats, like Tylenol, philodendron plants, anti-freeze, and bullets.

* Cats have A, B, and O blood types, just like people, which makes them good bait for vampire traps.

* Cats don't think of themselves as little people, they think of people as large cats. Therefore, in order to establish your dominance over them, you should pee on your cat's head every so often.

* A cat's fur has a thick undercoat which causes it to make the same sound as a baby harp seal when you club it.

* To a cat, litter-box-filler appears to have the same texture as Rice Krispies. Protect your breakfast accordingly.

* The average cat has 40 whiskers, or 10 more than Frank J.

* Catnip has the same effect on cats as marijuana does on human beings. The feline equivlent of Pink Floyd and Twinkies is still, as yet, unknown.

---

Of course, if you're LOOKING to get booted from the SOTU, try:

"A Danish newspaper published my Muhammed cartoon and all I got was this lousy fatwa."

Comments (2)

February 07, 2006

Out-of-Control US Troops Collecting 'Protection Money' From Local African Tribe

Posted by Harvey at 08:06 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

"That's a real nice school we just built for ya... be a shame if anything... you know... happened to it."

CENTCOM has the details

Comments (1)

February 06, 2006

What a Coincidence...

Posted by Harvey at 08:13 AM | TrackBack (3) | Email This

Leslie of Leslie's Omnibus posted about a Chicago Trib columnist (Amy Dickinson) who bashed blogs in a recent column. (Go here for a free Bug Me Not login if you're not registered with the Trib)

Ironically enough, I *just* got a letter from a concerned reader with her OWN tale of woe that shares some striking parallels with the Dickinson missive (you may want to read the Trib column first so that you can see the similarities).

I've posted it below, along with my response.

---

My on-and-off boyfriend of three years started registering for and logging in to chicagotribune.com about five months ago.

He is in a band, so the whole idea made sense to me for networking and promoting his band. Then, all of a sudden, chicagotribune.com took over his life and he started waking up immediately to log on. He had a slew of factually-inaccurate articles & extreme left-wing columns he read all day.

He read this one woman who wrote every thought that entered her head and every conversation she had into a column -- and I was able to follow and track the progress of her increasingly bile-filled political bias -- because it was all publicly posted.

Of course, he and I are no longer seeing each other because I was devastated by the number and the depth of the lies which were fed to him by this woman -- each time she lied, HE would end up repeating what she had said in her many columns. Most important, I was unhappy with who I had become -- this insane voyeur logging onto chicagotribune.com each day to check up on why my boyfriend had become a frothing, Bush-hating, liberal moonbat.

This woman provided details about conversations with "anonymous sources", details about secret National Security Agency programs, insensitive cartoons about wounded soldiers -- even exploitable details about the vulnerabilities of America's transportation infrastructure -- things that I am sure people never expected posted on the Web. I worry that, since chicagotribune.com has no conscience, they will sell my personal information to porn-spammers. What do you think of this?

Signed,
Tribulated

********

Dear Tribulated,

For people who don't know, chicagotribune.com is an online "newspaper" of other people's photos and life stories, where "journalists", build "readerships" and write "columns" to while away their sad and empty days. (A "newspaper" is large sheets of paper covered with words -- sort of like a CNN transcript.) According to one recent estimate, there are more than 70 million newspapers being printed around the world.

As your letter points out, the virtues of life at a newspaper are also its deficits. People can easily meet and develop working relationships, but the problem with developing relationships with strangers is that strangers have no reason to respect your privacy -- they have no qualms about exposing you for misquoting or even completely making up sources. Your story is yet another reason why life as a columnist has become not only messy but also so boring. People who live a journalist's life don't have actual experiences. Their stories tend to reflect that.

I can't understand why people are so hungry to share their every waking thought with the rest of the world -- and I certainly don't understand why people are interested in reading these musings, personal details and outright lies.

Maybe you should try reading blogs, instead.

Comments (3)

February 05, 2006

Separated at Birth?

Posted by Harvey at 08:39 AM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

Am I the only one who thinks Cindy Sheehan

looks like that sleepy bloodhound from Hee Haw - Beauregard the Wonderdog?

Comments (19)

February 04, 2006

Slow Down! Slow Down!

Posted by Harvey at 09:01 AM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

Plagued by ruthless efficiency in recent re-building efforts, this Mosul road project was forced to import lazy-ass Teamsters from Jersey to maintain its featherbedding quota.

See CentCom for the complete story.

Comments (5)

February 03, 2006

Eh. It's for a Good Cause

Posted by Harvey at 11:05 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

V7ndotcom elursrebmem

Comments (1)

Illoogle

Posted by Harvey at 06:39 PM | TrackBack (1) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Sometimes I really regret signing up for Instapundit's mailing list. Every day it seems like my inbox is bogged down with notices about his latest illicit get-rich-quick scheme.

Like this one, for example:

---

From: Glenn Reynolds - Blogospheric Overlord
To: Those who will someday kneel before me

Now that Google has cast aside its foolish "core belief" of "don't be evil", I've been able to partner with them to bring you:

ILLOOGLE!™

A clearinghouse for information on all the illegal, immoral, questionable, offensive, and/or downright shady products and services offered by Evil Glenn Industries, Inc.

With the power of Illoogle™, you'll have access to:

Pup-A-Mule - Tired of risking your loved ones' lives by having them swallow heroin balloons? With Pup-A-Mule, you can turn any puppy into your own personal 4-legged drug importation vector. Kit comes with surgical steel scalpel, Ziploc brand re-sealable HeroIn Bags, and Arrow brand tummy-stapler for post-insertion closure.

Legal Notice: Not responsible for personal injury due to unremoved tummy-staples in puppy shakes.

Sacra-Hobo - Need a human sacrifice to appease your Satanic master's need for fresh blood? You could shop your local Screen Actors Guild Union Hall (it's not like anyone would miss a Tim Robbins or two), but why not let us deliver a US Grade A Government Select hobo right to your door, instead? Bound, gagged, and pre-inebriated to reduce struggling, these pathetic creatures are accepted as payment on soul-for-power contracts by most major evil deities.

Legal Notice: Be sure to check your soul-for-power contract for specific terms and conditions. Not responsible for unspeakable afterlife torturings resulting from contract breaches.

Mo-ha-ha-ha-med - Live in a country that's caved in to terrorist demands to censor cartoons that make fun of Islamic prophets? Look no further than the Mo-ha-ha-ha-med web portal, where you can find all the funniest portrayals of the head-choppingest, child-bride-takingest, bomb-for-a-turbinest prophet that ever wrote a Koran. Don't let YOUR cowardly government control what you can and can't see. Use Mo-ha-ha-ha-med and take a firm stand for free speech!

Legal Notice: Not responsible for renegade JOOOOOOS! having fatwahs issued against them.

CommieTruth.com - Ok, I lied. Screw free speech. APPROVED speech is where it's at. CommieTruth.com is the only search engine guaranteed to provide the 100% capitalist-pig-opinion-free information that my Maoist masters feel that it's safe for you to know. After all, those guys are smart enough to oppress 1.3 billion people. You've probably never even oppressed a goldfish, so who the hell are YOU to say that rude little Tiananmen Square rumor is true? Huh? HUH?... that's what I thought... you just keep your yap shut, little man.

Legal Notice: YAY! Commies!

---

You'll also find:

Sa-Tan-A-Rama Soul-For-Power Contracts
Hmmm, Heh, & Indeed - Shysters at Law
Frank J. Punchers Anonymous
Ann Althouse hOt aMaTeUr Webcam
Pez! Pez! Pez! (from the makers of Soylent Green)

Plus hundreds of other specialty sites, only available through:

ILLOOGLE!™

Comments (4)

February 01, 2006

Never Before Has a Picture of Hillary Cried Out So Loudly to Be Captioned

Posted by Harvey at 09:59 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

See GOP and College's latest caption contest.

Comments (17)

Hamas: The First 100 Days

Posted by Harvey at 05:41 PM | TrackBack (7) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Now that Hamas has been elected to rule the Palestinian Authority, they've outlined their agenda for the first 100 days of their administration:

---

* Fire guns into the air while shouting "ULULULULULULU!"

* Bury people who died from falling-bullet wounds. Blame deaths on JOOOOOOS!

* Throw rocks at JOOOOOOS! in retaliation.

* Realize too late how stupid it is to bring a rock to a gunfight.

* Attempt to be superior to all other Arab nations by raising an army that can't be beaten by a troop of Israeli Girl Scouts.

* Double the current Palestinian Authority spending on education programs by declaring that suicide bomber vests will now be considered "books".

* Scale back plans to push the JOOOOOOS! into the sea, by practicing on a pile of tiny pebbles.

* Get asses kicked by a pile of tiny Jewish pebbles.

* Give up attacking Israel and start with something easier to conquer, like France.

* Which will then become known as "Paristine".

* Attend formal dinner with Kim Jong Il, in celebration of the fact that he now pronounces the country's name correctly.

* Adopt new national motto of "Palestine - all the violent terrorist thuggery of other Arab nations, but without all the oil."

* Fly the new Palestinian flag (see extended entry)...

Read More »

Finally, on day 100, Hamas will be beaten up by Israeli Girl Scouts and driven into the sea by a pile of tiny Jewish pebbles.

« Close It

Comments (10)

January 27, 2006

Glenn Reynolds Hijacks Pluto Spacecraft!

Posted by Harvey at 08:59 PM | TrackBack (2) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Did you see Instapundit's post on the New Horizons probe that was launched toward Pluto? He seemed quite indifferent about the whole thing, which is - for a dweeby techno-geek like him - VERY suspicious.

Thanks to some NSA eavesdropping transcripts, I found out why Glenn was trying to avoid drawing attention to the launch beforehand. He had a sinister plot for using the New Horizons ship for his own nefarious purposes. Specifically, he's going to use it to murder hobos to curry favor with Satan in order to maintain his position as the most powerful blogger in the world (as foretold by The Prophet Frank J.).

Yeah, I know how unbelievable it sounds, but I have proof. Glenn sketched out his plan on the back of a napkin during a recent trip to the Memphis Zoo. I stole it while he was busy staring at the penguins & mumbling something about "pretty, pretty feathers".

Evidence in the extended entry with Glenn's notes in italics...

Read More »

---

1) Steal super-secret S.M.I.T.E. technology from Frank J. and use it to build the Space Platform for Hobo Elimination, Removal, and Eradication (S.P.H.E.R.E.)

2) Sneak S.P.H.E.R.E. aboard New Horizons ship.

3) Have New Horizons ship deploy S.P.H.E.R.E.

4) Murder hobos from space, thus currying favor from Satan and maintaining my cruel stranglehold on the blogosphere.

5) Blog with minimal commentary and link any crappy post I want, with no fear of losing traffic.

---

Yeah, I thought he was already doing that last one, too.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go shave my stubble.

*looks worriedly skyward*

« Close It

Comments (5)

January 25, 2006

The New Democratic Code of Conduct

Posted by Harvey at 08:42 PM | TrackBack (3) | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Congressional Democrats will be attempting to grab the moral high-ground by making ethics an issue in 2006. Specifically, they want to introduce a new Congressional "code of conduct", hoping to take advantage of the public's perception of scandal over the Abramoff affair.

Sure, Harry Reid funnels money to Nevada churches, Nancy Pelosi is "suddenly" remembering $8500 worth of vacations provided to her by lobbyists, and there aren't enough pixels in the entire internet to list all the wild spinnings of Ted Kennedy's moral compass - but still, I'm sure there's a lot the Dems can teach us about being well-behaved, as illustrated by these fake (but accurate) excerpts from the new Congressional Code of Conduct:

---

* Don't vote for any bridge projects unless they include provisions for guard rails which can withstand the impact of a 1967 Oldsmobile Delta 88.

* The use of the phrase "President Bush" in a speech is forbidden unless the sentence also includes the words "liar", "Nazi", "failure", "warmonger", and/or "retard".

* Do NOT use tinfoil hats, as they've been shown to actually INCREASE one's susceptability to Karl Rove's mind-control rays.

* Prove how dangerous guns are by having your Secret Service bodyguard shoot people at random.

* Make sure he hits an Affirmative Action quota's worth of black people, lest you be accused of racism.

* Tell the victims' families that it was the Republicans' fault for not spending more on body armor.

* Don't take bribes. If someone offers you money in return for a promise to vote a certain way on a bill, that's a bribe. Just take the money and wink slyly - that way there's technically no promise involved, and it's considered a "campaign contribution".

* Avoid using the racist and offensive term "terrorist". Use "person of shrapnel" instead.

* Al Gore is NOT a piece of furniture - that's just his personality. Don't set your drink on him.

* If you do set your drink on him, at least use a coaster.

* Even if you just had a baby, don't offer a cigar to Hillary Clinton. It makes her twitchy for some reason.

* Carpooling can help save the Earth's precious, dwindling resources. Make sure there are at least two people in your vehicle at all times - for example, you and your limo driver.

* Whenever possible, shoot spitballs at that backstabber Zell Miller.

* If you accidentally put out his eye, blame the Republicans for not buying him body armor.

* True, body armor wouldn't have prevented an eye injury, buy your constituents are too stupid to figure that out, so there's no need to pass up a perfectly good opportunity to blame Republicans.

* Pointing out the resemblance between Nancy Pelosi and Michael Jackson will be grounds for censure.

* NO MORE CRYING!... [looking your way, Voinovich]

---

Of course, none of this will help once word of the Democratic mining scandal gets out.

Comments (8)

January 22, 2006

Yay! I'm a Chickenhawk!

Posted by Harvey at 07:54 PM | TrackBack (2) | Email This

In the comments to this post, an anonymous troll posted the following:

So Harv, if it's so wonderful over in Iraq, why to hell aren't you over there serving in some capacity. Nothing to be afraid about buddy, I can assure you of that. Just make sure you bring along some decent body armor.

Why am I not in Iraq?

Probably because I'm a spineless coward who lets other people fight his battles for him.

But at least I have the decency to show some gratitude to those who have chosen to do so.

Anyway, I didn't want to have to play the "prior service" card, but since Spacemonkey & Daniel did it for me, I'll point out that I served on an aircraft carrier (USS Enterprise, CVN 65) during the late 80's. This was back when the Russian war plan included having nukes aimed at her, so I'm not a *complete* stranger to "ass on the line".

So what's YOUR excuse, anonymous troll? If you oppose the war, how come you're not in Iraq fighting alongside the terrorists?

There's probably nothing to be afraid about as long as you hide in a mosque.

Comments (26)

The Horror!

Posted by Harvey at 12:26 PM | TrackBack (3) | Email This

(click to enlarge)

Photo by Polli Barnes Keller – Gulf Region Division – US Army Corps of Engineers

Iraqi children flee in terror at the approach of brutal American stormtroopers!

CENTCOM has the gruesome details.

Comments (8)

January 20, 2006

Totally True Tidbits About Glenn Reynolds' DNA

Posted by Harvey at 10:41 PM | TrackBack (2) | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

After being discovered in Los Angeles surrounded by a pile of recently-sacrificed hobos, Glenn Reynolds underwent a DNA test to see if he was the real killer.

Well, you KNOW what happens to DNA evidence in trials for murders committed in California, so Glenn walked, based on the fact that his hobo-murdering gloves were two sizes too small.

Ah, the power of washing things in hot water.

Nevertheless, I *did* manage to get ahold of a copy of the lab report on Glenn's DNA, from which I compiled (in the extended entry) these:

---

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT GLENN REYNOLDS' DNA

Read More »

While most humans have 98% of their DNA in common with a chimp, Glenn is 99% poodle.

Glenn's DNA will begin robot dancing if exposed to pure commie evil and/or Ted Kennedy.

Glenn's DNA was once shot a man for snoring too loud.

Remember that mobile weapons lab they found in Iraq? It was used for manufacturing Glenn's DNA.

Most people have Adenine, Guanine, Cytosine, and Thymine making up their DNA sequences. Glenn has Iodine, Einsteinium, Nitrogen, and Dysprosium, with the most common sequence being "I-N-D-E-E-D".

If Glenn's DNA bites you, you will start blogging by the next full moon.

If you're already a blogger, you will launch a blog ad consortium called "Lingerie Media" which people will make fun of.

Glenn's DNA made a cameo appearance during the Cantina scene in Star Wars. Look closely while Luke is talking to the bartender.

Glenn's DNA is used as currency in Iraq, although they pronounce it "dinar".

DNA tests prove that Glenn Reynolds and Michele Malkin are identical twins, but in an Arnold Shwarzenegger & Danny DeVito kinda way.

The secret ingredient in Underdog's "Super Energy Vitamin Pill" was Glenn's DNA. How's that for irony?

Traces of Glenn's DNA were found all over New Orleans, leading to speculation that Hurricane Katrina was caused by Glenn's typing too fast.

Glenn's DNA shows scars from where he had the "basic human decency" gene surgically removed.

Extensive testing on Glenn's DNA reveals that he's the real father of all those creepy "Village of the Damned" kids.

Glenn's DNA is featured prominently in the "Organic Chemistry Gone Wild: Spring Break" DVD.

Glenn's DNA released a rap album under the name "Vanilla Splice".

Injections of Glenn's DNA will cause a laboratory rat to grow inside a cancerous tumor.

If you're attacked by Glenn's DNA, point behind it and shout, "Look! An unlinked Ann Althouse post!". Flee when it turns to look.

Due to a defect in the 23rd chromosome, Glenn's DNA can NOT be trained to walk down stairs like a Slinky.

"What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, and makes a slinkity sound?"... GAH! Now I can't get that stupid song out of my head!

Glenn's DNA always cries at the end of "Old Yeller".

---

And remember, the most commonly available source of Glenn Reynolds' DNA is rent-by-the-hour motel mattresses.

Oh, wait... that's for Kennedys.

Nevermind.

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Comments (6)

January 18, 2006

The Other Kennedy Book

Posted by Harvey at 09:30 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

So Ted Kennedy wrote a children's book called "My Senator And Me: A Dog's Eye View Of Washington, D.C.":

The gimmick of this book is that it's written from the perspective of his Portuguese Water Dog, whose name is Amigo's Seventh Wave, but who (seriously) goes by the nickname "Splash".

Interestingly, Splash is also the author of "My Senator Didn't See Me: A Dog's Earful of Things I Overheard Ted Say", notable for such Ted quotes as:

---

"PPPPFFFFFTTTT! Who the F%$@ put WATER in my Evian bottle!"

"No, I just accidentally washed my cap in hot water. My head is NOT getting bigger."

"I did NOT call you "Alioto" because I'm drunk, I called you Alioto because... oh, wait... you're right... nevermind."

"Can we hurry this up? I got a limo full of booze, broads, & bribes double-parked outside."

"If you don't vote for this bill, I will PERSONALLY drive each and every one of you home!"

---

Also be on the lookout for Splash's new book, "My Senator And Me and Mary Jo: A Dog's Eye View of Chappaquiddick". Picture from the back of the dust jacket in the extended entry...

Read More »

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Comments (4)

January 15, 2006

US Troops Continue Torture Rampage

Posted by Harvey at 01:17 PM | Email This

This time, America is bringing its punishing cruelty to the border guards of Tajikistan, as described by this CENTCOM press release:

The U.S. recently began a $3 million airlift of winter supplies and equipment to assist border guards in Tajikistan. Deliveries of food, winter clothing, medical supplies, tents and other needed supplies began arriving in Tajikistan on January 2 and will continue over the next several days.

The first supplies flown in by U.S. Air Force C-130 aircraft from Afghanistan, consisted of 100,000 ready-to-eat meals for the border guards. [emphasis added]

As anyone who's eaten one knows, MRE's are unparalleled in their effectiveness as a means of inflicting inhuman misery

Please contact your elected officials today and demand that America put an immediate halt to it's terror campaign against the innocent citizens of Tajikistan.

Or check the CENTCOM website for more press releases and learn the AWFUL TRUTH about the consequences of America's unlawful unilateral invasion.

Comments (16)

January 13, 2006

First Issue of Instapundit's Magazine Hits the Stands

Posted by Harvey at 06:31 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

As his lust for power consumes him, Glenn Reynolds continues to stretch his Empire beyond the blogosphere, and begins to insinuate his corrupting tendrils into the world of print media.

Cover shot of issue #1 in the extended entry...

Read More »

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Comments (8)

January 11, 2006

More Hollywood Propaganda

Posted by Harvey at 05:35 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

While recoiling in horror at such anti-American/pro-terrorist Hollywood offerings as Syriana - a movie about evil US oil companies causing innocent Muslims to become terrorists - and Munich - a movie about innocent terrorists victimized by bloodthirsty Israelis, I found out that Michael Moore has been tapped to do another re-make of King Kong.

Movie poster in the extended entry...

Read More »

I give him credit for being a little more subtle than he was with Fahrenheit 9/11.

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Comments (5)

January 06, 2006

New James Bond Movie

Posted by Harvey at 11:10 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

When I first heard that Glenn Reynolds would be starring as the villain in the new James Bond movie, I thought it was a bad choice. Maybe not as horrid as Richard Kiel's performance as "Jaws", but still...

Anyway, the official poster for the new flick is in the extended entry. Check it out & see if you think Reynolds has any potential.

Read More »

NOTE: No actual puppies were harmed during the making of this film.

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Comments (10)

January 04, 2006

Saddam For Kids

Posted by Harvey at 08:44 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Everyone knows that if you're facing an almost-certain death sentence, the best way to avoid it is by writing a children's book to soften your image, just like Stanley "Tookie" Williams did.

Ok, that's a bad example.

But still, a tome for the wee ones IS the only ticket to freedom for a vicious killer. Without one, he's guaranteed a ride in Old Sparky. Just look at what happened to O.J.

Ok, that wasn't a good example either.

The point is that you can soon expect to hear about what a wonderful guy Saddam is once his bibliography hits the New York Times.

What's that? You didn't know Saddam wrote children's books?

Of course he did. Here's just a small sampling of his works:

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* The Berenstain Bears Big Book of Burkhas

* Tyranny for Tots

* Curious George Invades Iraq

* One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, JOOOOOOO! Fish

* Mommy Bakes Yellowcake

* Uday and Qusay Take a Bullet

* I Can Detonate My Own Vest!

* Horton Hears a Wahabbi

* Hide and Seek, Marco Polo, and Blind Man's Bluff: The Rainy Day Book of Fun U.N. Games

* Amelia Bedelia Beheads a Hostage

* Hassan Potter and the Half-Blood Infidel

* Little Camel Fluffy Toes and the Murderous Americans

* Are You There, Allah? It's Me, Fatima

* Little House on the Sand Dune

* My First Honor Killing

* Charlie and the Chemical Weapons Factory

* "Is That An IED?": An Explodey the Mouse Story

* The Tyrant, The Weasels, and the Warmonger

* The Poky Little Puppy and Other Unclean Animals

* Green Eggs and Hamas

---

If you know of any more of Saddam's books, leave the titles in the comments.

Don't call me with them, though. Those cowards at the NSA might be listening in.

Comments (27)

January 01, 2006

Fun Facts About Maine - The Director's Cut

Posted by Harvey at 08:22 PM | Email This

The version on the IMAO podcast (#19 - November 14th) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision is in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to buy grossly overpriced lobster-shaped souveniers, because we're headed up to Maine, so let's get started...

Maine became the 23rd state on March 15th, 1820 and also became the only state with a one-syllable name after they shortening it from "Mainingtonia".

The state bird of Maine is the chickadee, and NOT the much more common Cracker-Barrel Buzzard or Bald Coot.

The state flag of Maine consists of a blue background behind an image of a moose sleeping under a tree, which symbolizes the state's large population of lazy Canadians.

Maine is one of America's largest producers of leather products, most of which are exported to San Francisco during Gay Pride Week.

The state flower of Maine is the pine cone. Although most people wouldn't be dumb enough to confuse a pine cone with a flower, keep in mind that some people actually consider Dan Rather to be a journalist, too.

The state motto of Maine is, "Fleecing tourists is fun!"

90% of America's toothpick supply is produced in Maine, and I'll be those idiots probably think THOSE are flowers, too.

The state song of Maine is "Rock Lobster", by the B52's.

The state tree of Maine is the white pine... which obviously means they're racist.

The top prize in Maine's state lottery is having Stephen King personally bury your dismembered corpse in his back yard.

Eastport, Maine is the easternmost city in the US, and therefore the best place from which to launch a nuclear strike against France.

Not that... you know... America is actually PLANNING anything like that...

Hey... I'm just saying we should keep our options OPEN, people!

Maine is the only state in the US that shares a border with only one other state. It's nothing personal, it's just that a LOT of dead lobsters wash up on the beach, and no one wants to be next to a state that smells like Roseanne Barr's underwear.

Every year, 4 million lobsters are caught off the coast of Maine - most of them on their way to Canada to buy cheap prescription drugs.

Maine produces 99% of America's blueberries, which is why most blueberries can't pronounce the word "car" correctly.

Maine was originally settled by Canadians who were searching for the religious freedom to worship their pagan moose-god, Bullwinkle.

Freeport Maine is home to the LL Bean Company, purveyors of fine outdoor clothing. This may explain why Maine's license plates are made out of plaid flannel.

Although Maine has many old lighthouses, they are rarely lit these days except by brave Hobbits attempting to signal the armies of Rohan.

The first naval battle of the Revolutionary War was fought off the coast of Maine in 1775. It was technically a draw, since both the American and British crews were devoured by giant radioactive lobsters.

The state insect of Maine is the honeybee, and most farmers who raise them still milk them by hand while sitting on a tiny stool.

Most small towns in Main still govern themselves through the use of "Town Hall Meetings", which consist of a series of boring speeches, followed by a picnic and ritual cannibalism on the Town Commons.

All new mothers in Maine face the difficult choice of whether to bottle feed their babies or give them their clam chowder straight from the breast.

A great deal of Maine consists of marshy swampland. Sorta like Florida, except that in Maine, all the gators were eaten by giant radioactive lobsters.

If you go to a bar in Maine, you'll be tempted to try the "Moose Meat Margarita". Resist.

Well, that wraps up the Maine edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be desperately wondering if there's ANYTHING funny to say about Maryland.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go out and milk the honeybees.

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Comments (9)

December 28, 2005

Putting the Extra Troops to Good Use

Posted by Harvey at 09:07 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Rummy says that the US plans on pulling 7000 combat troops out of Iraq in 2006. Mostly because Iraqi security forces will be trained up enough to do most of the terrorist-shootin' themselves by that time. Hard to believe it's taking them this long to improve their marksmanship, but apparently Iraqis have worse aim than Ted Kennedy approaching a bridge, so we just have to make do with what we've got.

Meanwhile, we'll have 7000 troops with nothing to kill, so we'll need to find something else for them to do until Iran mouths off one time too many.

Here are my suggestions:

---

* Send them to rescue those seven stranded castaways. It's been 41 years already. Let's bring 'em home.

* Rub salve on Frank J's rash.

* Invade France - one can hold the gun while the other 6999 collect white flags from all the trembling surrender monkeys.

* Since Democrats are all pissed off about wiretapping terrorists, we'll just have the soldiers stand next to the terrorists and eavesdrop, instead.

* Use them to re-connect that loose wire on your computer's motherboard.

* No, wait... that's solders. Nevermind.

* After the '06 elections, the DNC is gonna need some logistical support to deliver their extra supplies of special "weeping hankies".

* Have them walk around New York City and gut-punch every lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastard that went on strike.

* Rebuild the levees in New Orleans.

* Preferably with the bodies of the lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastards that went on strike.

* Get 'em all likkered up & suggest that it might be fun to try pushing the UN Building into the East River... "it'll be sorta like cow tipping!"

* Give them each a pointy stick and have them poke at Howard Dean to see if they can get him to make that funny sound again.

* Give them a Holocaust Cloak and a wheelbarrow and have them storm the castle.

---

Or maybe we could just buy 'em a beer & send 'em home to spend time with their families.

AFTER they finish with Howard Dean.

Comments (16)

Frank Does Karaoke

Posted by Harvey at 09:21 AM | Email This

Since Frank J. is now married, I assume this must be him singing The Man Song.

Safe for work, but probably difficult to justify to the boss.

Comments (2)

December 21, 2005

The Truth About Iran

Posted by Harvey at 10:11 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Showing less self-control than a Democratic Underground troll hopped up on Red Bull and commenting at Free Republic, the President of Iran has recently made foolish statements such as "Israel should be wiped off the map", "the Holocaust never happened", and "developing a nuclear weapons program within flying distance of the Israeli Air Force is perfectly sensible".

To regain his credibility as "sane" in international diplomatic circles, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad decided to publish a pamphlet of interesting facts about Iran. Even though I can't read the drunken-monkey-fingerpainting that passes for their written language, I'm sure that my translation is at least as accurate as any given CBS news report.

---

* Iran is a large, Middle Eastern country covering 600,000 square miles of territory just east of Iraq that REALLY needs to get beat up and have its oil stolen.

* Iran was originally settled by a busload of people who got lost on their way to a 7-11 Owners' Convention.

* Iran is ruled by the "Council of Guardians" who strictly enforce the Koran's edicts all across the land. Living in Iran is like the Muslim version of living at Ned Flanders' house.

* I guess that would make the US troops in Iraq like Homer Simpson.

* Mmmm... infidelicious...

* The Iran-Iraq border is still littered with land mines from the Iran-Iraq war. If you need to sneak across the border, bring a Mexican to show you how to do it right.

* Before the founding of the Muslim empire in the region in 700 AD, there used to be two other countries between Iran and Iraq - namely Irao and Irap.

* For 8 years, Iran battled Iraq to a standstill, a feat that the Americans were unable to duplicate for almost an entire day during the Gulf War.

* If something smells like the back end of a camel, it could be the front end of an Iranian.

* Although some people - mostly filthy hippies - say that Iran is no threat to us, I still find it suspicious that their initials stand for Islamic Radicals Aren't Nice.

* Soon to stand for Idiots Receive American Nuking.

* In a battle between Iraq and Aquaman, Aquaman would raise an army of jellyfish and... right... who am I kidding? The Iranians would chop him into lutefisk before he even hit the beach.

* Iran's national symbol is:

I have NO idea... a pole-dancing penguin wearing a Mario moustache, maybe?

---

Hopefully this information will encourage understanding and dialogue between our two nations, ushering in an era of peace that will last for centuries or until we finish stealing their oil.

Comments (9)

December 16, 2005

How Evil Glenn Stole The Christmas Assignment

Posted by Harvey at 06:50 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)
(WITH PROFUSE APOLOGIES TO THE LATE DR. SEUSS)

...for what's in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Every blogger In the blogosphere Liked the Alliance a lot...

But Evil Glenn,
Who lived atop the Ecosystem,
Did NOT!

Evil Glenn hated the Alliance!
And their stupid assignments
With the funny rejoinders and their witty refinements.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his manhood was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His shoes or his willy,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, just hating them silly,
Staring down from his castle with a sour, Evil Glenn frown
As humorous posts on their sites did abound.
For he knew every blogger in the Alliance below
Was busy now, writing, so their humor would show.

"And this new assignment" he snarled with a sneer.
"About 'Evil Glenn's Christmas'! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Glenn fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep this assignment from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the bloggers would rise
Out of bed bright and early. Then they'd write Filthy Lies!
And then! Oh, the lies! Oh, the lies! Lies! Lies! Lies!
That's one thing he hated! The LIES! LIES! LIES! LIES!

Then the bloggers, young and old, would sit down to post.
And they'd post! And they'd post!
And they'd POST! POST! POST! POST!
They'd challenge his standing as the man who blogged most
Which meant Instapundit couldn't sit back and coast.

And THEN
They'd do something that he liked least of all!
Every blogger in the Alliance, the big and the small,
Would link to each other, OH! The links they'd be flinging
They'd turn on their trackbacks. And then they'd start pinging!

They'd ping! And they'd ping!
AND they'd PING! PING! PING! PING!
And the more Evil Glenn thought of the Alliance-Blog-Ping
The more Evil Glenn thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for over two years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop this assignment from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
Evil Glenn
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" Evil Glenn laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Frank J. katana and Colt.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great trick to play!
"With this sword and this gun, I'll look just like Frank J.!"

"All I need is a T-shirt babe..."
Evil Glenn looked around.
But since hot babes are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop Evil Glenn...?
No! Evil Glenn simply said,
"If I can't find a T-shirt babe, I'll make one instead!"
So he grabbed his dog Max. Who he'd blended that morn'
And covered his corpse with some photoshopped porn.

THEN
He logged on his blog
With a flick of his wrist
If the Alliance found out
They would surely be pissed.

Then Evil Glenn started posting
Spreading word all around
Instapundit was quitting
And his blog he'd shut down.

His front page would go dark. With no more "Indeeds".
The Alliance could stop whacking Glenn with their screeds
And turn off their Instapundit RSS feeds.
"I'll not be number one," old Evil Glenn hissed
"The Alliance can take me off of their enemies list."

Glenn hated to lie to all his blog friends.
But if the Alliance could do it, then so could Evil Glenn.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
But kept typing onward until he was through.
He'd trick the Alliance, they never would know.
"In a blog war," he grinned, "truth is the first thing to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, the black-hearted fink,
To Alliance HQ, then he clicked every link!
GOP! Physics Geek! Frizzen Sparks! Zoo!
Basil's Blog! Phin's Blog! There's One, Only!, too!
And he stuffed all their comments with a link to his post.
With hopes that they'd soon tell the Alliance's host!

Then he slunk to their blogrolls and clicked all their friends!
Disguising the source of the message he sends!
So the word soon got out just as quick as a flash.
Why, the Alliance had finally kicked Evil Glenn's ass!

Then he filled all their comments with just a few tries.
"And NOW!" grinned Evil Glenn, "There will be no more lies!"

Evil Glenn laughed at the crap he'd started to post
When he saw a new comment - much smarter than most.
He clicked the comment link and discovered just who!
Sexy Susie-Lou Who, and her boobs, One and Two.

Evil Glenn had been caught by this blogosphere daughter
Upon his sly plans she had just thrown cold water.
She stared at Evil Glenn and said, "Frank J, why,
"Why are YOU shutting down Instapundit? WHY?"

But, you know, Evil Glenn was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little siren," the fake Frank J. lied,
"Evil Glenn is good now, he's come to our side.
"So I'm taking his blog down, but I'll bring it back funny.
"The Alliance will rule all, and we'll have bags of money!"

And his fib fooled sweet Susie. Then he patted her head
And he got her a fireman and he sent her to bed.
And when Susie-Lou Who went to bed with her man,
Like a cowardly Frenchman, Evil Glenn turned and ran!

Then the last thing he hacked
Was the referer log.
Then he put up his feet, as he blended a dog.
Sure that confusion would spread through the Alliance like fog.

And then with an Instalanche
He crashed all their servers
And kicked back with the latest "Penguins for Perverts".

Then
He did the same thing
To every last blog.

Leaving bandwith
So thin that
It couldn't NOT clog!

It was quarter past dawn...
Servers crashing pell-mell
All the bloggers, still un-logged-on
When he packed up his Dell,
Packed it up with their links! And their traffic! And pings!
With their hot-buttered porn stars in leathery things!

With no one to challenge his Higher Being perch,
He Robot-Danced happily in Satan's church!
"Pooh-pooh to the bloggers!" he was Glenn-ily humming.
"They're finding out now that no assignment is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the bloggers in the Alliance will all blog BOO-HOO!"

"That's a post," grinned Evil Glenn,
"That I simply must read!"
He chuckled as he turned on his computer... "Indeed!"
And he did see some posts on the blogs he had thrashed.
On the ones that he THOUGHT he had thoroughly trashed...

But these postings weren't sad!
Why, they sounded quite merry!
It couldn't be so!
But they WERE merry! VERY!

He stared down at the blogs!
Evil Glenn popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Blogger in the Alliance, the big and the small,
Was posting their assignment! They were NOT fooled at all!
He HADN'T stopped the assignment from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And Evil Glenn, with his Robot Dance paused in mid-thrust,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be thus?
It came without linkage! It came without posts!
"It came without DSL! Dial-up! Or hosts!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then Evil Glenn thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe assignments aren't just a way to link-whore.
"Maybe if *I* did an assignment, I could even the score!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in the Alliance they say
With Enzyte, Glenn's small wang
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute he decided to share some of his links,
And declared that the Alliance wasn't just lying finks
He brought back the traffic! And he proved himself best
When he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
Evil Glenn... said

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

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Comments (7)

December 14, 2005

Just One Little Tweak

Posted by Harvey at 09:02 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

The Patriot Act is coming up for renewal, and although it already contains many helpful tools for assisting law enforcement personnel - like the right to root around in your sock drawer without a warrant to see if you have a copy of "Bouncy Burkha Bondage Babes" magazine (as all terrorists do) - the law is lacking in civilian education programs.

Let's face it. Cops can't be everywhere (unless you're making an illegal U-turn), so it's important that EVERYONE knows how to spot a terrorist. Especially children, since they have keen eyes and big, tattling mouths. That's why I think the Patriot Act should include funding for printing up a fun and colorful - yet instructive - pamphlet to help people practice spotting Islamofascist deviltry.

In the extended entry, you'll find a sample page from "Where's Osama?"...

Read More »

(click to enlarge)

For bonus fun, see if you can spot the New York Times reporter who wants to investigate the root causes of the terrorist's legitimate grievances.

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Comments (8)

December 10, 2005

Reminiscing With Alzheimer's

Posted by Harvey at 02:55 PM | Email This

Frank & Sarah are getting married, and on a happy occasion like this, I think it's only appropriate that we share our favorite memories of the lucky couple.

Sort of.

So I'm stealing this notion from Tammi of Tammi's World:

"Remember the time we..."

Please post a comment with a completely fictional memory of you and me. It can be anything you want– good or bad, silly or stupid, believable or not – but it has to be fake.

What are YOUR best memories of time spent with Frank & Sarah?

Comments (22)

December 09, 2005

Evil Glenn Plans Wedding Crash!

Posted by Harvey at 07:48 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

When Frank & Sarah get married, there's one thing they'll have to watch out for... (see extended entry)

Read More »

---

(click to enlarge)

Glenn Reynolds trying to upstage the bride.

Remember, Frank, Sarah will be the pretty one. Try not to get confused.

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Comments (8)

December 07, 2005

Maybe We're Better Off With The Silence

Posted by Harvey at 10:19 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Have you noticed lately that the MSM isn't doing diddly as far as reporting any good news from Iraq?

Me too.

So, given that there IS actually good news to be reported (as the weekly CentCom newsletter so amply demonstrates) I thought I'd share what I knew.

Interspersed - just for fun - with how I imagine your standard Liberal Media terrorist-coddling lapdogs would title the story.

Feel free to play along, if you'd like.

---

1. Completion of police stations in Babil, Basrah, Erbil, Kirkuk, Ninewa, and Salah ad Din Provinces, and a holding facility in Al Muthanna Province will provide approximately 250,000 people a safer environment and greater security as police operate from these improved facilities.

250,000 THREATENED WITH ARREST AND DETENTION IN IRAQ! WHO WILL BE BUSH'S NEXT VICTIM?

2. The completion of renovations to 12 schools in Baghdad, Basrah, and Al Anbar Provinces will equal a better learning environment and brighter future for over 7,200 Iraqi schoolchildren and 50 teachers.

US PROPAGANDA JUGGERNAUT ROLLS OVER IRAQI CHILDREN!

3. Over 29 km of new roads between Qadisiyah Province and Wassit Province will provide a safer travel route for farming villages to transport their crops to the market and reaching larger towns such as Baghdad.

BUSH FAILURE MAKES IT EASIER FOR ROADSIDE BOMBERS TO STRIKE!

4. 500,000 people annually will benefit from six renovated railroad station in Qadisiyah Province will provide protection from the environment while the passengers wait to board the train and for the stationmaster to schedule freight movements.

BUSH FORCES IRAQIS INTO OVERCROWDED TRAINS: EASY TARGETS FOR TERRORISTS INSURGENTS FREEDOM-FIGHTERS!

5. 150,000 residents between Baghdad, Ninewa, and Wassit Province now enjoy more reliable electricity as their 15 km of electrical power feeder were installed to local distribution substations.

IS BUSH PLANNING NEW "ELECTRIC CHAIR" TORTURE CHAMBER IN IRAQ?

6. 80,000 people between Maysan, Najaf, and Ninewa Provinces now enjoy potable water with the installation of three compact water units and repair of 27 km of water line.

IRAQI WATER MAY CONTAIN DEPLETED URANIUM: BUSH'S NEW PLOT TO POISON IRAQI BABIES!

7. Four border forts in Maysan Province and two border forts in Al Anbar Province will increase the security along the border with Iran and Saudia Arabia, allow for the proper training of the border police, and provide additional logistical support for border patrols.

BUSH'S IRAQI POLICE STATE: THE NEW EAST BERLIN?

8. The completion of a Port of Entry in Ninewa province will expedite the safe passage of thousands of vehicles and persons traveling between Iraq and Syria daily.

FASTER PASSAGE FORTERRORISTS INSURGENTS FREEDOM-FIGHTERS? BUSH SAYS "BRING IT ON"!

9. Fire stations in Al Anbar, Basrah, Diyala, and Kirkuk Provinces will increase fire security for 100,000 residents in local towns and provide an excellent training facility for firefighters.

100,000 IRAQIS LULLED INTO FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY IN SPITE OF MASSIVE FIRE THREAT!

10. Completion of cluster pump station is part of an overall project to restore water injection to pre-war levels. The water injection infrastructure is critical to providing adequate pressure on the oil reservoir in the Rumaylah field and has a direct impact on crude oil production output.

BUSH RAMPS UP THEFT OF IRAQI OIL!

---

As I suggested in the post title, maybe no news IS good news.

By the way, the CentCom newsletter is free, contains the stories the MSM doesn't bother reporting, and can be delivered to your inbox by clicking this link & leaving your e-mail address.

If you don't sign up, then the MSM terrorists will have won.

Comments (5)

December 06, 2005

While You're Waiting For That Weblog Awards Cookie To Expire

Posted by Harvey at 07:53 PM | Email This

Go over to GOP and College and caption the picture of Howard Dean with a halo of lights around his head.

Comments (2)

December 05, 2005

Did Crazed Kos Readers Force Amazon to Delete Reviews?

Posted by Harvey at 10:09 AM | Email This

Amazon 1-star reviews of Cindy Sheehan's book:

12pm 12-4-05:
11-29: 3
11-30: 1
12-1: 1
12-2: 9
12-3: 3
12-4: 0

9am 12-5-05:
11-29: 2
11-30: 1
12-1: 1
12-2: 8
12-3: 3
12-4: 1
12-5: 1

See first and second tracking posts for earlier dates.

Then there's this post at Kos (purportedly by St. Cindy) complaining that the pictures being circulated of her at a poorly-attended book-signing were taken out of context.

To cheer her up, Kos readers are encouraged in the comments to leave positive reviews at Amazon.

Here's an interesting comment near the top of the thread:

Though I feel a little guilty that I posted a review without having read the book, I did so, encouraging people to read it for themselves and not to trust the freepers.

Probably a lie. You have to have a conscience in order to feel guilty.

[Hat tip to IMAO reader Iowa GI pointing out the Kos post]

Comments (5)

December 04, 2005

Reviews Still Evaporating

Posted by Harvey at 12:55 PM | Email This

Amazon 1-star reviews of Cindy Sheehan's book 3pm 12-3-05:

11-29: 3
11-30: 1
12-1: 2
12-2: 11
12-3: 2

Count as of 12pm 12-4-05:

11-29: 3
11-30: 1
12-1: 1
12-2: 9
12-3: 3
12-4: 0

See this post for earlier dates.

Ya suppose it's like some kind of weird code and that Amazon's trying to tell us something with these numbers?

Comments (1)

December 02, 2005

Glenn Reynolds at the Airport

Posted by Harvey at 07:53 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

This week's Filthy Lie Assignment was to answer the question:

What was Evil Glenn's connection to the mob that attacked the New York Air desk at Washington National Airport?

Turns out there was no connection at all.

Seems Glenn was just trying to catch a flight to Iraq so that he could share Thanksgiving dinner with the troops, as seen in this completely non-photoshopped image:

The unruly mob?

They all wanted to get tickets to Amazon.com's headquarters in Seattle, so they could... discuss... why their 1-star reviews of Cindy Sheehan's book got deleted:

Comments (5)

Amazon.com Shows Willingness To Resolve Reviews Issue

Posted by Harvey at 03:27 PM | Email This

After being informed that Amazon.com has been fudging the reviews of Cindy Sheehan's new book, IMAO reader TJ dropped them a line:

NICKNAME: TJ
COMMENTS: Just so you know a conservative blog is keeping track of all the 1 star reviews of Cindy Sheehan's book you are deleting from the web page selling her book.

She received the following reply, which may or may not have been edited to comply with IMAO guidelines:

---

Greetings from Amazon.com.

Thank you for bringing these reviews to our attention. Each of the reviews mentioned in your e-mail message have been read by a member of our Communities team.

Any of the reviews that we found to be outside our guidelines have either been edited to bring them within our guidelines or have been slated for removal. Any changes made to these reviews will become effective online in 3-5 business days.

Meanwhile, we at Amazon.com would like to reward your dilligence. If you will provide us with your home address, we can send over our team of Amazon.com "Safety Specialists" to perform a free inspection of your house. Did you know that natural gas leaks are the #1 cause of residential explosions? When our team of large, Italian men gets to your door, invite them in and listen VERY carefully to the "safety tips" they offer.

Because that's a real nice home you got there, and it would be a shame if anything were to happen to it. Don't you agree?

Again, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to let us know about this. Feedback from conscientious individuals such as yourself helps us maintain the quality and integrity of our site.

Thank you for your interest in Amazon.com.

Please let us know if this e-mail resolved your question:

If yes, click here:

http://www.amazon.com/rsvp-y?c=aqhtgvwr3403743366

If not, click here:

http://www.amazon.com/rsvp-n?c=ENEMIES.LIST/EXTERMINATE

Best regards,

Amazon.com Customer Service
http://www.amazon.com

---

Hmmm... I guess that explains those guys outside my house fixing the gas line.

Comments (6)

Cindy Sheehan 1-star Book Review Watch

Posted by Harvey at 10:59 AM | Email This

As explained in this post, Amazon has been quietly removing 1-star reviews from Cindy Sheehan's new book. Let's examine the history of the 1-star reviews by date:

3:15 pm 11-30-05

1-star reviews dated Nov 29: 5
1-star reviews dated Nov 30: 6

4:15 pm 11-30-05

1-star reviews dated Nov 29: 5
1-star reviews dated Nov 30: 5

7:00 am 12-1-05

1-star reviews dated Nov 29: 3
1-star reviews dated Nov 30: 5

11:00am 12-2-05:

1-star reviews dated Nov 29: 3
1-star reviews dated Nov 30: 1
1-star reviews dated Dec 1: 2
1-star reviews dated Dec 2: 1

You can easily track 1-star reviews with this link to the reviews listed lowest first.

Here's an interesting line from Dec 2, as posted by reviewer Jed:

"I left an honest but critical review of the book and the named author, it was removed. I once again left an honest yet critical review of this book; again it was removed but this time along with every review I have left on other items."

From Dec 1st, reviewer Kenneth:

"why has my review been removed? the book is poorly written and she does her political view a disservice when she espouses hatred. why does amazon censor reviews? does someone on amazon's staff allow their political viewpoint to override free speech?"

Dec 1st, JR Dunn:

"Be advised that somebody is using this page to target virus attacks against anyone who has written a negative review -- which, appearances to the contrary, is several hundred people by now.

(...)(some upstanding, tolerant lefty, no doubt) with the header "Invitation to be an Amazon Friend" appears in your inbox(this may differ from case to case, of course) praising your review and asking you to click a link. Needless to say, don't do it. Delete the sucker."

We'll see where it goes from here.

UPDATE: GOP & College has some more analysis, plus a couple screenshots.

Comments (19)

November 30, 2005

A Review of Cindy Sheehan's New Book

Posted by Harvey at 04:15 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

---

Before I dive into the review, a note about Amazon.com. When I first posted the PGH assignment at Alliance HQ on November 24th, I noticed several 1-star reviews of Sheehan's book.

When I returned today, I noticed that all the 1-star reviews prior to November 29th had been removed. ALL of them. Even though 5-star reviews from as far back at Nov 17th are still there.

Anyway, here's a link to the list of reviews, lowest first. Currently there are 5 1-star reviews dated Nov 29 (you have to click the "next" link to get to where the 5th one is listed). If you guys could keep an eye on that and let me know if they start disappearing, I'd appreciate it.

UPDATE: When I started writing this post, there were 6 1-star reviews dated Nov 30. Now there are 5.

Just freakin' CREEPY...

---

Look, I *really* tried to read Cindy's book before posting this review, but I was too busy buying pants for British soldiers. Nevertheless, I managed to compile a few reviews from other noteworthy Americans, on the assumption that you'll be able to trust their judgment when it comes to choosing your reading material.

What could possibly go wrong?

---

Martin Sheen - "I love this book! In fact, I even sleep with it. Not in... you know... the Biblical sense... ok, maybe once. But I swear it was consensual!"

Michael Moore - "Great book. I ate a copy with some fava beans and a nice chianti."

Joan Baez - "Best. Book. Ever. I mean, if it weren't for this book, I wouldn't have my picture posted at Amazon.com?

---

Oh... THAT'S what.

Fine. Let's just cut to the chase. If Cindy's book were a dog, it'd be this one:

Meanwhile, I'll quote you one last Amazon review:

After reading this book everyone should be able to realize how painful it is for a mother to live without her son, how oainful it for a wife to live without husband who is killed in war.

Of course, I'm sure some people don't need a book to realize that...

Not One More Mother's Child, indeed.

Comments (15)

November 25, 2005

The Cruelty of Glenn Reynolds

Posted by Harvey at 08:49 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Recently someone asked me, "Hey Harv, how come you're always picking on Glenn Reynolds? You nursing some kind of grudge for something he's done to you?"

So what else could I do but answer him?...

...With a song...(see extended entry)

Read More »

---

You're asking what Glenn's done to me? It's pretty plain for all to see His vile deeds have ruined my life Filled it full of stress and strife!

My dog was blended by this man
He whizzed into my garbage can
Ate my goldfish, smashed my table
Told Time-Warner that I stole cable

Made off with my credit card
Burned his name into my yard
Ate my cookies, cracked my eggs,
Tattooed peace signs on my legs.

Put pop cans in my microwave
Spit upon my grandpa's grave
Buried hobos in my cellar
Told bad jokes 'bout Helen Keller

Wrapped my car around a tree
Gave me clap - it hurts to pee!
Made my new computer crash
Put borax in my cocaine stash

Drained my laptop battery
Robot-danced on my TV
Ate my Twinkies, greased my slide
Shaved my kitten's underside

Didn't link my funny post
Sprinkled dandruff on my toast
Punched Frank J. and made him cry
(No, wait... that makes me like the guy)

Grafittied my walls, stole my wallet
Made me lose my otherwise impeccable talent for meter and rhyme
"Love thy neighbor"? Surely you jest!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

« Close It

Comments (46)

November 23, 2005

Maybe They're NOT Crazy... Oh, Wait... Yes They Are

Posted by Harvey at 09:30 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

So I keep hearing Democrats claiming that Bush lied about the reasons for going to war in Iraq - because he said that he knew that Saddam had WMD.

But then I find out that these same Democrats - or possibly others... I can't tell, they all look alike to me - were saying that THEY knew that Saddam had WMD.

Maybe they're crazy.

But then again, maybe there's another explanation... Let's see...

---

* Yes, they said those things a few years ago, but now they have amnesia because they fell down the stairs after fainting when their husband found out that they were pregnant by their ex-husband because they made love while being held prisoner on an island by an international terrorist, but only because they thought they were going to die and they turned to each other for comfort.

* Don't look at me like that - it happened on Days Of Our Lives.

* Latest talking points memo from the Abilene Kinko's was in a hard-to-read font - confusion ensued.

* Memo may have sustained water damage from riding in a car with Ted Kennedy.

* Ditto Ted Kennedy's memory.

* Of course, that might have been the gin.

* Or the Scotch

* Possibly the Sterno

* Clinton's quotes contain the word "is", so there's no way to tell what he really meant.

* They only said those things in the first place because President Bush drove up to their houses with a huge truck full of cash & hookers. Haven't we ALL had a moment of weakness?

* What the Democrats said doesn't count because they had their fingers crossed.

* They didn't say "Saddam has WMD", they said "Saddam has WMB", as in "Saddam has Wondrous Man Booty".

* Democrats are hypocritical weasels who will do or say ANYTHING to regain political power, regardless of any negative repercussions on the troops in the field.

---

Eh. I'm sure ONE of those is the right answer.

Comments (11)

November 21, 2005

And All This Time You Thought Frank J. Made Up That Puppy-Blending Thing

Posted by Harvey at 12:06 PM | Email This

Glenn Reynolds comes right out in the open and says which blender he likes best.

Sure, he doesn't mention the puppy part, but I think we can connect the dots.

[Hat tip to Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! for the heads up]

Comments (5)

Fun Facts About Louisiana: The Director's Cut

Posted by Harvey at 01:06 AM | Email This

The version on the IMAO podcast (#18 - October 31) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, lift your shirt and earn some shiny beads - we're headed to Louisiana. So... let's get started...

Louisiana became the 18th state on April 30th 1812, mostly to make President Madison's wife stop nagging him about "when are you going to get up off your butt and do something with all that land west of the Mississippi?"

Ya know, it wasn't Manifest Destiny that built this country, it was naggy wives.

The state bird of Louisiana is the brown pelican, whose enormous beak could, in theory, hold enough beer to get an Irishman drunk.

The state boat of Louisiana is Noah's Ark.

Louisiana is the source of most of America's seafood, and annnually produces more shrimp than a Wizard of Oz cast party.

The state motto of Louisiana is "Help! I can't swim!"

The state flower of Louisiana is the magnolia... although that may soon change to the water lily.

The highest point in Louisiana is Mt. Driskoll, at 535 feet, while the lowest point is [insert gurgling sound here].

Louisiana was named after the French King, Louis the 14th, and NOT after the French pronunciation of "lousy, ain't it?"

The official soil of Louisiana is silt.

Louisiana has the tallest state capitol building in the US. It's 450 feet tall, and is capable of holding nearly a week's supply of the Governor's bribe money.

The state song of Louisiana is Led Zeppelin's, "When the Levee Breaks".

The US acquired the Louisiana territory from France in 1803 in exchange for $15 million dollars in gold and a promise to stop referring to the French as "surrender monkeys".

HA! Stupid, gullible, surrender monkeys!

The state tree of Louisiana is whichever one Katrina didn't knock down. Probably an oak tree in Shreveport, or something.

Jazz Great Louis Armstrong was born in New Orleans, Louisiana. His famous song, "What a Wonderful World", describes his feelings about moving out of the state.

Rock & Roll legend Jerry Lee Lewis was born in Ferriday, Louisiana on September 29th, 1935. Although he DID at one point marry his 13-year-old cousin, he was NOT actually a degenerate pedophile - just Southern.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana hosted the Special Olympics in 1983, prompting accusations from Alabama that it was actually just a scheme to raise the state's standardized test scores.

Louisiana is famous for its many slow-moving rivers or "bayous". The word "bayou" is a Choctaw Indian word meaning "Frenchman's urinal".

The first governor of Louisiana chose the pelican as the state bird because it is such a devoted parent that it would tear at its own flesh to feed its young rather than let them starve. The governor was so impressed by this that he substituted "the rich" for "flesh", and thus was born the Louisiana tax system.

The state dog of Louisiana is the Water Spaniel.

St. Joseph Cemetary in Rayne, Louisiana is the only cemetary in the US where the graves have a north-south orientation. All other cemetaries are laid out in a pentagram pattern to facilitate raising the dead via unholy rituals.

The city of Kaplan, Louisiana is known as the Cajunest Place on Earth and is home to the famous Gumbo World theme park and resort.

The city of New Orleans was once a haven for pirates, which may explain why most of the post-Katrina looters had parrots & eye-patches.

The Old Town Hall Museum in Pineville, Louisiana is the only museum in the US devoted to municipal government. While there, don't miss the Graft & Corruption exhibit in the Huey P. Long Memorial Corruptitorium.

At the age of 13, all young males in Louisiana undergo a ceremonial rite of passage wherein they finally learn the horrifying truth - that Mardi Gras is NOT a national holiday.

They are NOT told, however, the horrifying truth that they are descended from the French, as this would completely destroy their fragile minds.

Whether you pronounce it "New Or-lins", "New Or-leenz", "New Or-le-ans", or even "Nawlins", SOMEONE in Louisiana will correct your pronunciation.

When they do, tell the annoying little SOB that he's descended from the French. THAT will shut him up.

Well, that wraps up the Louisiana edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be getting mugged by gangs of feral lobsters in Maine.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go *ahem* "use the bayou".

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Comments (6)

November 18, 2005

Light Blogging At Instapundit Explained

Posted by Harvey at 09:18 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Glenn Reynolds recently apologized for a spate of light blogging at Instapundit, claiming to be "busy" with his new book. However, recent leaks from Scooter Libby show that he was actually working on a viable "exit strategy" to bring the troops home from Iraq, which the House is voting on tonight. The full text of the strategy follows in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

1) Announce immediate pullout of all American troops from Iraq.

2) Observe Iraqis - note who cheers at the announcement.

3) Help cheerers celebrate with a White Phosphorus fireworks display that "somehow" goes horribly wrong.

4) Finish installing Iraqi democracy.

5) Immediately withdraw US troops.

---

Might have to "celebrate" the cheerers at ABC News next.

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Comments (6)

November 16, 2005

I Question Their Patriotism!

Posted by Harvey at 09:22 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Some people question the patriotism of the Mainstream Media because of their incessant coverage of American casualties in the War on Terror and the way they'll flock to any random group of smelly hippies if there's a "No Blood For Oil!" sign in their midst.

Or print up a sign for them, if there isn't one handy.

But I don't think that "unpatriotism" is a fair verdict to hand down. They don't make the news, they just report it. It's not like they're actually out shooting our troops in the streets of Baghdad.

Sure, that's only because journalists are pansys who can't muster the umph to cover the 4 pounds of pressure needed to pull a trigger - plus Baghdad doesn't have a Starbucks - but really, they're merely harmless buffoons, and not seditious, unpatriotic traitors.

On the other hand, there IS a serious threat to the patrioticality of America out there, and it's HUMOR BLOGS!

For example:

Iowahawk - Documented to be on Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi's payroll. I mean, why else would he turn down that ham sandwich I offered him?

Day By Day - Keeps American soldiers hostage in his basement as a bargaining chip towards eventual syndication. Fortunately, his foul scheme is hopeless since - as I mentioned above - American newspapers are patriotic.

Cox & Forkum - Draws terrorists as muscley studs while portraying Condi with a beer gut. Yeah... wonder whose side THEY'RE on.

It's A Pundit - Makes snide remarks about rottweilers, which everyone knows to be the patrioticest dog of all.

Lileks - From Minnesota. Which is next to Canada. Which is where cooties come from. And possibly terrorists. But definitely socialized medicine. And cooties.

ScrappleFace - This once-patriotic American loyalist betrayed his country early on in the War by causing the word "weasel" to become associated with the pro-terrorist backstabbery of the French. Once proudly associated with such American traditions as chicken-thieving and the practice of law, weasels are now merely another shameful creature in a beret.

"Gee," I hear you say, "humor blogs DO seem to be a direct threat to the safety and security of all American citizens, but what about IMAO? Isn't that a humor blog, too?"

Yes, but IMAO is the only patriotic humor blog. Look at the IMAO crew, and you see the face of America:

* Frank J: Native-American (well, he WAS born in Florida, so he's technically not an immigrant)
* Harvey: Blasphemous-Unbeliever-American
* RightWingDuck: I'll-Cut-You!-American
* Kevin: Weasel-American
* Spacemonkey: Hayseed-American
* Laurence Simon: Zionist-Conspirator-American
* SarahK: Armed-and-Beauteous-American
* Aquaman: Seafood-American

We're even thinking of breaking Spacemonkey's legs to better represent Crippled Disabled Differently-Abled-Americans.

Hush-hush on that. Monkey doesn't know about it yet.

Meanwhile, I'm pre-emptively denying that this post is just part of a vicious smear-campaign against blogs that will be competing against IMAO in the "Best Humor Blog" category of The 2005 Weblog Awards (voting to begin on December 1st), and I question the patriotism of anyone who says otherwise.

Comments (6)

November 11, 2005

Notice of Class Action Lawsuit

Posted by Harvey at 08:26 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Just got a letter in the mail today:

---

From the office of Glenn Reynolds, Esq., J.D., PPBLNDR:

Since the earliest days of the American Republic, people have looked up into the night sky with awe and wonder, seeking hope and inspiration for their lives as they contemplated the heavenly lights, the most brilliant and uplifting of which is... The Moon.

Yet there are those who - in their desperate quest for filthy profits - would desecrate this sacred symbol of ancient wisdom.

Like Frank J., of IMAO who proudly - PROUDLY! - displays a picture on his site of our precious moon being atomically violated:

This atrocious sight has been clinically proven to induce Post-Traumatic Nuclear Moon Syndrome in those viewing this image. Symptoms of PTNMS include:

* Fear of looking up at the night sky
* Attacking Iraq to steal its oil
* Uncontrollable urges to blow stuff up in order to keep other countries in line.
* Telling filthy lies about greedy lawyers

If you or someone you love exhibits any of these PTNMS symptoms brought on by Frank J's reckless moon abuse, you may be entitled to compensation. Just send an e-mail to EvilGlenn@emptythedeeppockets.com explaining how your life has been decimated by irresponsible luno-nuclear photoshoppery and let me help you along the road to healing.

And MONEY!

[signed]
Glenn Reynolds

---

Disgusting!

Glenn Reynolds is nothing but a vile, avaricious, gold-digger! Show your support for IMAO by buying a Nuke The Moon T-shirt today. $1 from every sale will go directly to the IMAO Moon-Nukers Legal Defense Fund and/or toward buying SarahK shiny, pretty things.

Comments (8)

November 07, 2005

Wikipedia Knows Too Much - Must Be Killed

Posted by Harvey at 11:05 PM | Email This

Alabama Improper asks the age-old question:

And just what the hell does IMAO stand for anyway? Anyone?

Being sworn to secrecy on pain of death as part of my allegience to Frank J. (praise be his name), I nevertheless take this opportunity to point out that - just as Joe Wilson's connection to Valerie Plame required no illegal leaks beyond picking up a copy of "Who's Who" - anyone with access to Wikipedia can discover the meaning of this highly secretive acronym.

I'll just quote it in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Imaw (sometimes mistakenly spelled as Imao) is the leader of the Adamyans in the fantasy soap opera (locally known as telefantasya) Encantadia, being aired by GMA Network in Philippine television.

Character background

Imaw goes to the kingdom of Lireo to helped helped by Minea because the kingdom of Adamya was fallen because of the powerful Hathors. Imaw is former leader of Adamyans who has been an adviser to Amihan when she became Queen of Lireo. Imaw can see the events that happened through his magical staff.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must flee Frank J's wrath...

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Comments (16)

The Mysteries of a Catholic Wedding

Posted by Harvey at 04:01 PM | Email This

Over at Mountaineer Musings, SarahK says that her sister was a little... unclear... on Catholic wedding traditions:

she was very confused. she said that at first, she thought maybe it was a Catholic thing, having the groom’s name on his own goblet and his mother’s name on the bride’s goblet. she’s not known many Catholics so she thought it might be one of their traditions.

Having attended several Catholic weddings myself, I have to say that Sizzle - and probably SarahK, too - are BOTH in for a few surprises.

Since weddings are stressful enough, here's a list of little-known (although actually quite common) Catholic wedding rituals:

---

* Sacramental tequila shots (remember - Lick, Slam, Suck)

* Doritoes Xtreme Nacho Communion wafers

* Bride & groom both drag heavy, wooden crosses up the aisle. More Passion of the Christ means more Passion of the Couple.

* Bride slips the priest a $20 to skip the "if anyone here objects to this marriage" bit.

* Groom slips the priest a $100 to put it back in.

* Bride & groom gargle with holy water so that if they give their vows with a false heart, their tongues shall burst into flame.

* Bride & groom are encouraged to have a Best Fireman, and Extinguisher of Honor, respectively - just in case.

* Bibles in pews replaced by "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader", since these Catholic ceremonies tend to drag on a bit.

* After the words "man and wife" are pronounced, attendees charge the choir area for moshing and crowd-surfing.

* Please note that - since Catholic churches are considered "holy ground" - the beheading of fellow immortals is strictly prohibited during the ceremony.

---

That should pretty much cover it. Let me know if I missed anything.

Comments (13)

November 06, 2005

Fun Facts About Kentucky: The Director's Cut

Posted by Harvey at 10:47 AM | Email This

The version on the IMAO podcast (#17 - October 19th) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to put the K in KFC, because we're headed out to Kentucky, so let's get started...

Kentucky became the 15th state on June 1, 1792, despite the fact that no one in the state can actually count that high.

The state sport of Kentucky is horse racing, mostly because you can't lose your license for "riding under the influence".

In Kentucky, spitting tobacco juice on someone is considered a friendly greeting, much like the "up yours!" of a New York cabbie.

Kentucky is one of America's leading coal-mining states. Coal miners are easily recognizable by their almost Frenchman-like layer of black filth.

The state flag of Kentucky consists of a blue background behind two pickups and a still.

While attending church services in Kentucky, remember that - traditionally - the collection plate is passed BEFORE the spittoon.

They get REALLY upset when you get that wrong.

The state reality TV show of Kentucky is the Jerry Springer show, or - as it's known locally - "Southern Survivor".

When visiting a Civil War battlefield in Kentucky, try not to laugh out loud if the guide mentions how "we purt' near won that battle".

The state flower of Kentucky is Goldenrod, which should not be confused with that crappy James Bond movie starring Pierce Brosnan.

The state motto of Kentucky is "United we stand, divided we fall, drunk we pass out."

This replaced the old motto of "4 million people, 15 last names".

There are no newspapers in Kentucky, as being literate is considered snooty.

Although Kentucky is bordered by seven different states, Kentuckians rarely shop across state lines, since most stores in other states have firm "no shoes, no teeth, no service" policies.

Kentucky's nickname is the Bluegrass state.

Yeah, we all know grass is GREEN, but if you try to tell THEM that, they'll think you're just being snooty.

Kentucky is the only state in the US where drivers routinely hit their brakes before running over banjo players.

The electric lightbulb was first demonstrated at the Southern Exposition in Louisville, Kentucky in 1883, but was dismissed by locals as just another passing fad, like horseless carriages and soap.

Kentucky's name comes from the Iroquois Indian word "Ken-tah-ten", which means, "wife... sister... what's the difference?"

The state song of Kentucky is the Hee Haw Theme.

Kentucky has a population of 4 million people, all of whom are nicknamed Bubba.

Except for the women, of course, who are nicknamed Bubba Mae.

Or Auntie Mom.

The state tree of Kentucky is whichever one the Governor drives into while drunk. This week it's the tulip poplar.

The Kentucky Derby is the oldest continuously-run horse race in America, and was the inspiration for such other races as the Kentucky Stetson and the Kentucky Yarmulke.

Heather French became the first Miss America from Kentucky in 1999. She beat out Miss Alabama by correctly answering the question, "What is a toothbrush used for?"

Colonel Harlan Sanders opened his first fried chicken restaurant in Corbin, Kentucky in 1952. It was hugely successful, unlike his earlier chain of Kentucky Fried Possum.

Both Abraham Lincoln and Confederate President Jefferson Davis were born in Kentucky. They attended the same school as John Wilkes Booth, who routinely beat them both up and stole their lunch money.

The song "Happy Birthday To You" was written by two sisters from Louisville, Kentucky in 1893, and was originally titled, "I'm Too Cheap to Buy You a Present".

The first enamel bathtub was made in Louisville, Kentucky in 1856 and was immediately destroyed by a mob of angry hillbillies.

The world's largest cave is in Kentucky's Mammoth Cave National Park. Its vast, dark, emptiness is frequently compared to a Hillary Clinton presidency.

Well, that wraps up the Kentucky edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be slogging through the bayous of Louisiana

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go rescue my bathtub from angry hillbillies.

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Comments (12)

November 04, 2005

Broadway Glenn

Posted by Harvey at 05:40 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

I heard Reynolds produced a new Broadway musical, loosely based on T.S. Eliot's book of poems, "Old Hobo's Book of Puréed Puppies" or something... (see extended entry)

Read More »

Just wondering if anyone's seen it yet?

If you need more information on it, you can probably find it using the new Instapoogle search engine, which was brought to my attention by The Babaganoosh

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Comments (4)

November 02, 2005

Happy Birthday United Nations!

Posted by Harvey at 04:57 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

On October 24th the UN turned 60.

I wanted to celebrate this on time, but the resolution to do so was bottled up in an IMAO Security Council Subcommittee for the last week or so.

Now that THAT bureaucratic knot is unfurled, my first suggestion for a proper celebration of the UN's many accomplishments over the last 60 years consists of changing the organization's name to reflect those accomplishments.

Thus, hereafter, it shall be known as the Mostly Useless United Nations, or "MUUN" for short.

The other half of the celebration involves helping the MUUN accomplish it's stated goal of bringing about world peace.

For 60 years, the diplomats have bickered and nattered, passing one toothless resolution after another, fruitlessly attempting to implement their silly pipe-dream of "peace through superior paper work".

A dismal failure.

Because when it comes to achieving true and lasting world peace, we all know there's only one realistic plan... (see extended entry):

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(click to enlarge)

Of course, moving the building to the moon first would improve the chances of this actually working.

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Comments (11)

October 28, 2005

Hmmm... Needs More Nazi...

Posted by Harvey at 10:39 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie of sorts)

Laura from Can't Keep Quiet took a look at logo for the Alliance of Free Blogs:

and decided that it looked a lot like a certain Nazi logo:

dropping broad hints along the way that of course a bunch of fascist right-wingers would choose a Nazi symbol to represent their organization.

Being as she's liberal, she is - by definition - completely and inarguably correct in her analysis.

In fact, it's time for Alliance to goose-step out of the closet and go with the logo that we'd REALLY like (see extended entry):

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Whaddya think?

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Comments (24)

October 26, 2005

The Quotable Saddam

Posted by Harvey at 07:26 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Man, I hope you didn't waste your time watching the World Series. Saddam's trial was a LOT better. Here's part of the transcript (in extended entry due to objectionable language):

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Saddam: You want answers?

Jaafar Moussawi (chief prosecuting attorney): I think I'm entitled to them.

Saddam: You want answers?

Moussawi: I want the truth!

Saddam: "You can't handle the truth!...Son, we live in a world that has Kurds, and those Kurds have to be killed by men with mustard gas. Who's gonna do it?... You?... Some Jew named Weinberg?

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the Kurds and you curse the Baath Party. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that gassing those Kurds to death, while tragic, probably put me in the lead in Laurence Simon's Dead Pool. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, keeps President Bush OUT of the lead in Laurence Simon's Dead Pool.

You don't want the truth because, deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me to gas Kurds... you need me to gas Kurds.

I use words like mass murder, slaughter, genocide. I use these words as the backbone of a life spent killing people. You use them as a criminal charge.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who will make a fortune selling the movie rights to the story of this trial and then questions the manner in which I killed the Kurds that made this trial possible! I would rather you just said "Allah Akbar!" and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up some mustard gas and kill some Kurds. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to."

Moussawi: Did you gas those Kurds?

Saddam: (quietly) I did what I needed to do to get ahead in Laurence Simon's Dead Pool.

Moussawi: Did you gas those Kurds?

Saddam: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

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GREAT stuff. I hope they hurry up and make a movie out of it.

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Comments (7)

October 23, 2005

Fun Facts About Kansas: The Director's Cut

Posted by Harvey at 09:01 PM | Email This

The version on the IMAO podcast (#16 - Oct 12) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears in the extended entry...

Read More »

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to follow the yellow brick road out to Kansas, so let's get started...

Kansas became the 34th state on January 29th, 1861 because America needed to meet its Affirmative Action quota for stolen Indian land.

Kansas was originally populated by people from Iowa who just couldn't handle that state's hectic, fast-paced lifestyle anymore.

The state bird of Kansas is the meadowlark, whose beautiful song failed to impress Simon during an American Idol audition.

The state flower of Kansas is the sunflower, the seeds of which are highly poisonous and can only be cured with high doses of steroids.

At least according to the Major League Baseball Player's Union.

Kansas lies along the eastern edge of Colorado, but sometimees sneaks across the border in the dead of night to steal the occasional mountain.

Kansas normally maintains a constant temperature of 72 degrees all year long, but sometimes impish tornadoes mess with the thermostat when no one's looking.

At just over 4000 feet, Mt. Sunflower is the highest point in Kansas.

And yeah, they stole it from Colorado. Dirty, thieving Kansasians!

The state flag of Kansas consists of a blue background behind a wicked witch and four flying monkeys.

Members of the Kansas Board of Education voted to outlaw the teaching of evolution in Kansas schools to avoid offending monkeys who were outraged at the suggestion that they evolved from hippies.

The state song of Kansas is "We're Not Too Crazy About Newton's Theory of Gravity, Either".

The state motto of Kansas is "Flat, boring, and full of wheaty goodness. We're like America's snack cracker!"

The word Kansas comes from a Sioux Indian word meaning "Probably not a good place to build a ski resort".

Cawker City, Kansas is home to the world's largest ball of twine. It contains over 300 miles of string and 73 slow kittens.

Kansas has a population of 2.6 million people, but surprisingly, NONE of them have ever seen "The Wizard of Oz", and they'll just stare at you blankly if you refer to someone's dog as Toto.

The state tree of Kansas is the cottonwood tree, which is used to make very splintery T-shirts.

The first female Mayor in the US was Susan Salter, elected in Argonia, Kansas in 1887. However, she was soon driven out of office due to a scandalous affair with her intern, Marvin Lewinsky

No relation to Monica, although, he WAS rumored to occasionally wear a blue dress.

The dial telephone was invented by Almon Stowger of El Dorado, Kansas and was a vast improvement over earlier models which required the user to make different animal noises for each digit.

The 34th President of the US - Dwight Eisenhower - was born in Abilene, Kansas. His portrait was removed from the dollar coin in 1979, but still remains on most Chuck E. Cheese game tokens.

In exchange for the relatively low income tax rate, citizens of Kansas are required to spend one week each year working in one of the state's wheat mines.

Kansas has the lowest suicide rate of any state in the US, mostly because there's nothing high enough to jump off of.

The state sport of Kansas is WheatBall, which is even less exciting than it sounds.

The state constitution of Kansas guarantees its citizens the right to keep and bear tornadoes.

Mostly as a defense against any flying monkeys that might their way over the rainbow from Oz.

Kansas has the largest population of wild grouse in the US. These birds are also known as "prairie chickens" or "meadow Frenchmen".

There are over 500 caves in Kansas. The fact that Bruce Wayne owns all of them does NOT prove that he's Batman.

Last year, Kansas grew 500 million bushels of wheat, which, if it were all made into bread, would be enough to feed Michael Moore lunch.

Well, that wraps up the Kansas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be out shopping for moonshine in Kentucky.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go play a game of WheatBall... yay.

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Comments (13)

October 21, 2005

Evil Glenn's Alien

Posted by Harvey at 10:36 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Some of you may have seen this Day By Day cartoon and wondered, "Why does Glenn Reynolds have an alien living at his house?"

Turns out it's not REALLY an alien. It's Phin, from Phin's Blog.

It's all part of Glenn's plan to destroy any bloggers who might threaten his rulership of the blogosphere. His first target, naturally, was IMAO. After all, it WAS Frank J. who first exposed his puppy-blending habit.

So he hired Phin, who - bitter at not being invited to join IMAO - agreed to use his awesome photoshopping powers to destroy IMAO once and for all.

With dreams of vengeance twisting his mind, he developed an image so inhumanly revolting that a single glance would send any IMAO reader screaming into the night, clawing at his eyes, never to return again to the now-accursed URL of www.imao.us.

The only way to defeat Evil Glenn's foul plot is to not view the extended entry...

Read More »

Aren't you glad you didn't click?

On the bright side, Phin has been captured and now faces punishment for his crimes against humanity.

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Comments (7)

October 19, 2005

You Call That a Plan?

Posted by Harvey at 08:00 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Some high-up Al-Qaeda nutjob wrote a letter to his superior Al-Qaeda nutjob proposing a "plan" for the future of Islamofascism:

The first stage: Expel the Americans from Iraq.

The second stage: Establish an Islamic authority or amirate, then develop it and support it until it achieves the level of a caliphate- over as much territory as you can[...]

Which - in terms of practicality - greatly resembles the Underpants Gnomes plan:

1) Collect underpants
2) ???
3) Profit!

or in this case:

1) Get blown up by Americans
2) ???
3) Establish Caliphate!

It's a good start, but maybe they should consider streamlining it a bit:

1) Get blown up by Americans
2) Die

MUCH better.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Comments (5)

October 14, 2005

Fun Facts About Iowa: The Director's Cut

Posted by Harvey at 12:41 PM | Email This

(Since the new podcast is finally up, I guess it's safe to post the Fun Facts from the previous podcast.)

The version on the IMAO podcast (#15 - Sept 12) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to fire up the ol' combine, because we're headed out to Iowa, so let's get started...

Iowa became the 29th state on December 28th, 1846, after Congress finally persuaded the state to change its name from "Corntopia".

The state flag of Iowa consists of three vertical stripes of blue, white, and red, much like the French flag. To prevent confusion, the white section of Iowa's flag contains the international symbol for "No Surrender Monkeys".

The state bird of Iowa is the goldfinch, which should not be confused with any criminal masterminds who tried to kill James Bond.

Iowa contains exactly 99 counties. The legendary "lost 100th county" is currently being sought by a ragtag band of spaceships fleeing from the evil Cylon Empire.

Geographically, Iowa is one of the flattest states in the US, but it IS considering getting implants so that South Dakota will FINALLY pay attention to it.

Iowa was nicknamed the "Hawkeye State" after the popular deep-fried delicacy served in most of the state's taverns.

The 31st president of the US - Herbert Hoover - was born in West Branch, Iowa. The Hoover Dam was named in his honor, since its construction was made possible by his invention of the concrete beaver.

The state song of Iowa is "Corn! Corn! Corn!", which consists entirely of people singing the word "corn" for 5 minutes, and was the inspiration for Monthy Python's "Spam" sketch.

The state tree of Iowa is the oak tree, because... well, they had to choose SOMETHING, and since corn doesn't grow on trees, they figured acorns were close enough.

Burlington, Iowa is home to Snake Alley, the crookedest street in America, which rates an impressive 9.5 on the Kofi Annan crookedness scale.

Strawberry Point, Iowa is home to the world's largest strawberry. It's 10 feet tall, weighs 500 pounds, and subsists on a diet of migrant farm workers.

The world's smallest city park is in Hiteman, Iowa, and consists of a single blade of grass growing through a crack in the sidewalk.

And yes, keeping it mowed IS a union job. How did you guess?

Iowa has more people of Norwegian extraction than it does black people, which is why pickled herring is sold at basketball games.

Or WOULD be, if Iowa had enough black people to put together an NBA team.

You know that team that the Harlem Globetrotters always beat in exhibition games? They're all from Iowa.

Crystal Lake, Iowa has a statue of the world's largest bullhead fish, which was finally caught in 1982 by a hockey-mask-wearing serial killer.

Kalona, Iowa is the largest Amish settlement west of the Mississippi. It was founded in 1858 by ultraconservative Amish who were sick of those Pennsylvania harlots shamelessly flaunting their naked wrists.

Cedar Rapids, Iowa is home to the world's largest breakfast cereal company - Quaker Oats - which also makes other funny-hat-wearing, religion-related cereals, like Islam Puffs, Jew Chex, and Pope-ee-o's.

In Scrabble, Iowa is worth 7 points, which, coincidentally, is the same number of points awarded for running down a pedestrian while playing Grand Theft Auto: Des Moines.

Dubuque, Iowa is frequently the site of violent turf wars between rival gangs of Hicks and Bumpkins.

Johnny Carson was born in Corning, Iowa in 1925. Had he been born 50 years later, his homely face and mediocre comedic talent would've prevented any career in the entertainment industry, except for maybe IMAO Podcaster.

Native Iowans are easily identifiable by their unique ability to actually locate Iowa on a map.

Iowa has a population of nearly 3 million people, all of whom will punch you right in the freakin' nose if you tell one more stupid corn joke.

The state vegetable of Iowa is corn, which [punching sound effect] OW! MY FREAKIN' NOSE!

Well, that wraps up the Iowa edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be stealing some ruby slippers & riding a cyclone to Kansas.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put some ice on my freakin' nose... ow...

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Comments (11)

October 13, 2005

Smurf War Scandal!

Posted by Harvey at 07:59 AM | Email This

Oh, you can bet the MSM is gonna have a field day with this one:

Look, we were just trying to soften him up so that he'd tell us where the Weapons of Smurfy Destruction were hidden. It's a standard interrogation practice. Let's not over-react.

Comments (9)

October 12, 2005

Helping the Terrorists to Celebrate Ramadan

Posted by Harvey at 08:26 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

I heard the terrorists are celebrating their Holy Month by blowing people up.

While I admit that sounds like fun, I can't help but think there's gotta be another way to have a good time.

So, being from Wisconsin, which - except for the Socialists in Milwaukee and the Commies in Madison - is mostly rural and sane, I think the terrorists should take a page from the Big Book of Country Charm and celebrate it more along the lines of a County Fair.

Because fairs are fun!

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First you set up a huge, inflatable mascot at the entrance so everyone can find the place easily:

"Hi! I'm Hamadan!"

Make sure there's plenty of parking for both cycles:

and cars:

Inside the gates, there'd be lots of arts and crafts, like:

Candle-making:

Glass-blowing:

and gardening:

And, of course, yummy food everywhere you look:

Chocolate:

Cupcakes:

And everyone's favorite: PEZ!

Plus there's plenty of fun activities for the whole family:

Carousel rides:

Costume contest:

Rodeo:

and hot air balloon rides.

So every terrorist should grab his best girl

and come on down to the Ramadan County Fair for FUN! FUN! FUN!

HAPPY RAMADAN!

Comments (18)

October 11, 2005

Justification For War

Posted by Harvey at 04:59 PM | Email This

As outlined in President Bush's 2003 State of the Union Address, the US had good cause for the invasion and bombing of the Smurf Village:

Ruthless dictator Saddam Smurfsein.

Embezzled "Oil for Smurfs" money squandered on lavish palaces.

Chemical Ali Smurf cooking up Weapons of Smurfy Destruction in mobile laboratory.

Political prisoners smurfed into filthy dungeons without trial.

Less fortunate Smurfs simply "disappear".

And of course, the MOST important reason to attack the Smurfs... (see extended entry)

Read More »

They've got oil.

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Comments (35)

Fun Trivia Challenge

Posted by Harvey at 04:29 PM | Email This

Two of these statements were taken from Al Jazeera.

One was from USA Today.

Can you tell which is which without clicking the links?

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A) It has become abundantly clear that the United States invaded Iraq for the wrong reasons. No link has been established between Saddam Hussein and the terrorists responsible for the Sept. 11 attacks. No weapons of mass destruction have been located inside Iraq.

B) More US soldiers have died in Iraq since George Bush declared an end to the war on 1 May 2003 prompting the question: Will Iraq turn into a new Vietnam eventually bringing the US to its senses ... or perhaps to its knees?

C) US and British occupation of Iraq is regarded as the re-emergence of the old colonialist practices of the western empires in some quarters.

Comments (12)

October 08, 2005

Fixing New Orleans

Posted by Harvey at 12:30 PM | Email This

The Mayor of New Orleans wants to allow some of the larger hotels in the city to convert to full-fleged casinos in order to boost the local economy.

Ah, vice. The answer to economic woes.

Well, if you're going to allow gambling, might as well let a few other things in:

* cock-fighting

* contract killings (Hey! Rico!)

* prostitution (with a special emphasis on latex-fetishism)

* cannibalism

* knee-cappings

* Girl Scout Heroin-Delites cookies

* Have Beer Looter Guy teach Looting 101 at community colleges

Any other suggestions for boosting tourism revenue?

Comments (9)

October 05, 2005

Counter-Protest Equipment

Posted by Harvey at 08:35 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Sooner or later, a bunch of smelly hippies will come to your town and try protesting the War, and - also sooner or later - you'll get sick of their mindless sloganeering and decide to take to the streets yourself to protest their protest.

No such thing as too much free speech, ya know.

But you shouldn't go empty-handed. Bring a ClueBat.

This item is useful for "beating sense" into someone whose knowledge of "what's what" ain't quite up to where it ought to be. A versatile device, it comes in several sizes, so be sure to choose the right tool for the right job.

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Small

For RINO's like John McCain or Colin Powell, and also as a preventative measure for small children who just don't know any better because they attended a public school.

Large

For politicians who just don't know when to stop talking, like John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, or anyone in the UN Building (except the Stachemeister, of course).

Extra Pointy

For those with exceptionally thick skulls - Alec Baldwin, Tim Robbins, most hippies.

STFU ALREADY!

For extreme cases - Michael Moore, Cindy Sheehan, Jane Fonda.

And don't forget to read the instruction manual before use:

"Fat end first, dumbass!"

Yes, with these handy tips, you'll soon be doing your part as an American citizen to create a more informed electorate.

Or at the very least, you'll have a good time.

"C'mere hippy! I want to explain my foreign policy..."

Comments (19)

October 01, 2005

It's Not Like the Crusades are Happening Again... Oh... Wait...

Posted by Harvey at 10:15 AM | Email This

I love getting the CENTCOM newsletter via e-mail every week. Helps me keep up on what's happening with the War on Terror, minus the liberal spin from the MSM.

First there's the good news

* More than 50 staff members from the Ministry of Agriculture complete training course on how to install and maintain the irrigations systems.

* Five Iraqi agricultural officials complete intensive training at a renowned program at the University of California, Davis.

* The National Women's Coalition of Iraq conducts "Basic Advocacy" training.

* The Election Information Network (EIN) commences final analysis of monitoring reports gathered from all 18 Iraqi governates.

* Rehabilitation of water and sanitation facilities of 180 schools completed.

* Center for troubled teenagers began outreach operations in northern Iraq.

Plus - just in case you've forgotten what kind of bastards we're fighting, they have the "What Extremists Are Saying" section.

However, in the "what were they thinking?" department, we have this:

which was captioned, "Designed by the British, this new Border Fort on the Iraq/Iran border has a medieval flair to it."

Can't help but wonder how they missed the obvious PR implications on this one.

Comments (18)

September 30, 2005

Instapundette

Posted by Harvey at 10:40 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

First Frank brings up the fact that Glenn Reynolds may have switched his blending preference from canine to ursine.

Then Frank gets all sexist by suggesting how incompetent a mob of female assassins would be.

Combining these ideas, I can't help but wonder how Instapundit would be different if Reynolds were a woman.

First, I guess she'd be referred to as "Evil Glennda".

Probably still blend puppies, since dogs are man's best friend, and you know how jealous women can get.

Blending bear cubs? Definitely, since most women think guns are icky, and all American bears are kept armed (it's right there in the Constitution, people).

Yeah, I know SarahK's a woman and she LIKES guns, but she's really pretty and - since you know how jealous women can get - it's just another reason for bear-blending to Glennda.

But would Glennda still be conservative?... Doubtful, since most women are touchy-feely liberals.

Yeah, I know Ann Coulter's conservative, but she's blond and pretty (just like SarahK!) and - since you know how jealous women can get - it implies that Glennda would blend anthing blond or even yellow, like bananas and canaries - possibly with honey, strawberries, dishwater, bleach and/or peroxide.

Mao-worshipping? - Nah. Everyone knows girls like Che Guevera.

Punching Frank J.? Oh HELL yeah! Even pretty girls like SarahK enjoy THAT!

Satan-worshipping? Nah... all chicks are Christians who drag you to boring church services & tell you to read the Bible, then get mad when you start reading the dirty parts, like where Solomon is ogling naked women whose breasts are like clusters of grapes.

Murdering hobos? Well, women DO like that unkempt "bad boy" look, and they seem to prefer men who drink too much (just like SarahK!). Of course, all women eventually DO go crazy and give midnight Bobbitectomies, so I'm not sure whether to count that as murder or not.

Penguin Porn? Women just don't like porn. However they ARE hot for a man in a tux - expecially if he looks like a bad boy & drinks too much. Glennda might watch it if it were one of those soft-core things on Lifetime or Oxygen.

Other than that, probably the only noticable change to Instapundit would be a barely-noticable alteration of the background hue on the site:

Think there'd be any other differences?

Comments (6)

September 28, 2005

And the Next Secretary General of the UN is...

Posted by Harvey at 08:22 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Ya just GOTTA figure that - sooner or later - that corrupt, embezzling weasel Kofi Annan will get perp-walked out of the UN building.

Which means they'll have to pick a new Secretary General.

Never hurts to start planning ahead. Bush didn't, and now he's got.... what... seven Supreme Court vacancies to fill?... and he's nominated John Roberts for all of them.

Lack of planning, man... just sad.

Fortunately, I'm on top of things with the UNSG. Here's my short list:

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* Bambi! He will save us from Godzilla! He... aw CRAP!

* The SON of Bambi! HE will save us from Godzilla!

* Jesse Jackson - He knows how to unite the many-colored peoples of the world into one happy rainbow. Just like Skittles!

* Mmmm... Skittles...

* Bill Gates - If anyone opposes his mighty will, he can make their computer cr

* Hmmm... must've accidentally opposed Bill Gates.

* An Inanimate Carbon Rod - He's already proved his worth by thwarting the plans of the evil insect overlords.

* Frank J. - The moon will finally get the nuking it so richly deserves.

* Jacques Chirac - Then we'd be able to ignore the UN *and* the French at the same time, thus increasing America's disdainfulness quotient.

* SarahK - She'll make the UN pretty by riddling it with bullets.

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All have their virtues, but you KNOW who I just have to give the nod to:

* John Bolton

Comments (4)

Your Daily Dose of Hippy-Bashing

Posted by Harvey at 11:27 AM | Email This

"Don't be a squirrel. Defend your nuts."

See Tom of Hamstermotor for an explanation.

Comments (4)

September 27, 2005

Hey! Andrew Sullivan Was Right!

Posted by Harvey at 08:44 AM | Email This

HOW CAN YOU TELL ...: ... when a political ideology has become the equivalent of a religion? When it attempts to indoctrinate 4 - 8 year olds.

Damn straight!

Oh... wait... that's not the book he's talking about.

Comments (9)

September 21, 2005

Hunger Strike! The Untold Story

Posted by Harvey at 11:47 AM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Dozens of terrorist scumbags inmates at the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility have gone on a hunger strike in an attempt to draw attention to the fact that they're not getting the due process that they're not entitled to because they're not US citizens.

Wait... that doesn't make any sense.

There must be some other reason for the hunger strikes, about which I speculate thusly:

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Think that a gaunt, haggard appearance will make them look sexy - like supermodels!

Really pissed off about being served kosher pickles.

We won't even talk about the matzoh balls.

Trying to trick the guards into force-feeding them to satisfy their nasal-tube fetish.

A publicity stunt to get Cindy Sheehan to stop by.

Brad... Jennifer... *sob*... who can eat?

Can't properly flush a Koran using the low-flow toilets in their cells.

They're deathly afraid of hamburgers after having seen "Supersize Me".

After a 30-day interrogation session featuring Beatles music & Dr. Seuss books, they refuse to eat anything except green eggs and walrus.

Not taking a bite until Season 2 of Firefly goes into production.

I might join them for that one.

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I suppose I should be concerned about this tragic development, but somehow I just can't find it in my heart to care.

I'm too broken up about Brad & Jennifer.

Comments (4)

September 19, 2005

His Other Memorials

Posted by Harvey at 11:57 AM | Email This

I've discovered some of the earlier works of Paul Murdoch, who designed the controversial Crescent of Embrace memorial for Flight 93.

Apparently he likes working with Red Maple trees... (see extended entry)...

Read More »

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Here's his "Mushroom of Compassion" memorial in Hiroshima:

and his "Oven of Friendship" memorial near Auschwitz:

As with "Crescent", these memorials are "not about offering explanation for what happened, but to allow people to come to terms with it."

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Comments (7)

September 17, 2005

Crescent of Embrace is Fine

Posted by Harvey at 11:30 AM | Email This

Some folks are upset that the Flight 93 memorial "Crescent of Embrace" resembles an Islamic crescent.

Me, I'm ok with making a point of reminding people exactly what religion those murdering terrorists s***bags thought justified their actions.

And if it's true that it's oriented toward Mecca, then it's also handy for showing which way to aim our ICBM's.

Comments (16)

September 16, 2005

About Glenn Reynolds

Posted by Harvey at 07:49 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

If you're one of the few people that still goes to Instapundit, you've probably noticed how pathetic his "about me" post is. Sure, he's got a tiny blurb about "I wrote this & that wonderfully boring piece of tripe, gaze upon my works ye mighty and despair", but he really needs something more... personal. Something to make him seem more human.

Or less INhuman, as the case may be.

So I thought I'd do my part to help the old guy out - since he finally linked the podcast - and recommend some biographical tidbits that he ought to share.

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ABOUT GLENN REYNOLDS

* Glenn got to be the top blogger in the Ecosystem through a series of carefully targeted assassinations, which explains why you never hear about JimmyHoffa.com anymore.

* Glenn invented reusable toilet paper, which, for some reason, never really caught on.

* Except in France.

* Like most bloggers, Glenn composes all his posts longhand using a penguin-quill pen, puppy blood, and hobo-skin parchment.

* Glenn's owns an '88 Yugo with license plate PPBLNDR

* Glenn's incredibly thick geek-glasses were originally a gift from a fat kid who used them to start campfires while stranded on an island with a group of feral boys.

* Glenn's day job is with the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe.

* Glenn's first web page was actually a Judy Garland fan site.

* It was later sold to Andrew Sullivan for an undisclosed sum.

* According to Glenn, baby seals "taste just like chicken"

* Glenn owns 7 shirts, 7 ties, 7 pairs of pants, 7 pairs of socks, 7 pairs of underwear, 7 sports coats, and 7 pairs of shoes, all exactly the same. It saves him the trouble of having to decide what to wear on any given day.

* Unfortunately, he keeps grabbing the same set of clothes, much to the dismay of those who have to work with him on Fridays.

* Somewhere a portrait of Glenn is magically growing increasingly old and ugly.

* Glenn owns a very popular chain of fast food joints in Tennessee called "EvilBurger"

* People say the burgers "taste just like chicken."

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If you know any of any important biographical tidbits that I've missed, you can drop them in the comments.

Comments (11)

September 14, 2005

Hurricane Relief From the UN

Posted by Harvey at 02:55 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Recently the UN offered to assist the US in dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Working through their Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs, the UN has requested that all member nations donate whatever they can. Below is a partial list of current pledges:

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Afghanistan - 34 tons of surplus building rubble.

Australia - 20 million cans of Foster's, each with a souvenier crocodile-tooth can opener that says "No Worries, Mate".

Belarus - 10 black-market suitcase nukes for beefing up security against looters.

Bolivia - 10,000 bushels of cocaine to keep the rescue workers alert.

Brazil - 1 million coupons good for a free bikini wax.

Canada - one slightly used hockey stick.

China - 1 million cookies with super extra happy cheerful lucky fun fortunes, like "You find dry soon".

Cuba - 1000 flotation devices

France - Haughty, derisive laughter.

Germany - A crate of emergency lederhosen.

Greece - 200 burly, hirsute homosexuals.

Guyana - 1000 barrels of grape Kool-Aid

Iran - 1500 "freedom fighters" with explosive "liberty belts".

Ireland - 750 belligerent drunks.

Jamaica - 50 bales of weed and 1000 Rasta hats.

Japan - This handy instructional shirt-folding video.

Kenya - 50 "Holy Crap. Lions! Tours" busses.

Saudi Arabia - 1 million sandbags (bags not included)

Somalia - Assorted warlords & gunmen.

Sweden - The Bikini Team.

UK - Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam.

---

Also, rumor has it that Kofi Annan himself will be pledging $10 billion dollars of embezzled funds to the Red Cross.

Or maybe he pledged to embezzle $10 billion from the Red Cross. Hard to tell, his English is only so-so.

Anyway, if you've heard of any other pledges, feel free to mention them in the comments.

If you'd like to MAKE a pledge, see the Red Cross.

Comments (19)

September 10, 2005

Fun Facts About Indiana: The Director's Cut

Posted by Harvey at 04:28 PM | Email This

The version on the IMAO podcast (#14) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, grab your racing gear because we're headed to Indiana, so let's get started...

Indiana became the 19th state on December 11th, 1816. It's residents are nicknamed "Hoosiers", which is a Chippewa Indian word meaning "What the hell does that word mean?"

The city of Gary, Indiana was named after Gary Coleman, and is populated entirely by black midgets.

Singer Michael Jackson was born in Gary, Indiana, but was eventually exiled from the city for being too tall and too white.

The state bird of Indiana is Larry

Natives of Indiana are the only people in the US who can say "French Lick" or "Ball State" without giggling.

Beaver City, however, makes EVERYONE snicker.

Actor James Dean was born in Marion, Indiana, but soon left the state, as all cool things do.

Indiana is SO boring that people will actually PAY MONEY to watch other people drive around in circles. No wonder James Dean left.

Crazed socialist nutjob and vocal World War I protestor Eugene V. Debs was born in Terre Haute, Indiana. He was sorta like an early version of Jane Fonda, except less skanky.

The state of Indiana was once 80% forest, but over the years has lost 3/4 of its trees to hordes of plundering Amish furniture-makers.

Indiana is home to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, which - with relative safety - combines public drunkenness and reckless driving.

25% of people in Indiana are of German extraction, leading to occasional blitzkriegs into Ohio and Illinois.

Indiana has more covered bridges than any other state, mostly so that the bridges don't go around flaunting their sexuality and frightening the Amish.

Some of the more rural parts of Indiana only accept farm animals as currency. However, a lot of the small-town general stores DO take MasterCow.

Although people in northern Indiana must contend with long, harsh winters, at least they're safe from the cruel assault of bluegrass festivals that plague the southern part of the state.

The state flag of Indiana consists of a solid blue background with a flaming torch surrounded by 19 stars. This celebrates the state's historical tradition of burning Indian villages to steal land for white people.

The state flower of Indiana is the peony which - being large, pink, round, and smelly - perfectly represents the people of the state.

The city of Santa Claus, Indiana has a 20-foot statute of the jolly old elf at the outskirts of the town, which is usually covered in graffiti by gangs from the nearby cities of Grinch and Scrooge.

Indiana has only 40 miles of shoreline along Lake Michigan, most of which is covered by the corpes of people who hired non-union labor which wash in from Chicago.

The highest point in Indiana is only 1200 feet above sea level. Geographically speaking, if Indiana were a woman, it'd be Olive Oyl.

Traditionally, Jewish people in Indiana wear yarmulkes made out of used Indy Car tires.

Well... they WOULD... if there were actually any Jews in Indiana.

Indiana's state tourism motto is "Hope you brought something to do."

The city of Peru, Indiana was known as the "Circus Capital of America" until 1952 when it was wiped out by an epidemic of Mad Clown Disease.

South Bend, Indiana is home to Notre Dame College. Their nickname - The Fighting Irish - is considered offensive by some, but it's still better than previous nicknames such as the Brawling Bog-Trotters and the Surly Spud-Munchers.

Stainless steel was invented in Kokomo, Indiana by Elwood Haynes in a desperate bid to get his wife to stop naggging him to "polish the damn silverware!".

Singers Axl Rose and John Cougar Mellencamp are both natives of Indiana. In a knife fight between Rose and Mellencamp, bet on the guy with the most tattoos.

That wraps up the Indiana edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be making three solid minutes of corn jokes because we're headed to Iowa.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put fifty bucks on Axl Rose.

« Close It

Comments (11)

September 09, 2005

International Instapundit

Posted by Harvey at 07:54 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Have you ever travelled to a foreign country and tried to ask where the bathroom was, only to discover that - in the native monkey-jabber - the words you used actually meant something entirely different? Like you just asked the guy if you could lick his elbow, and then he punches you right in the face and you have to get nine stitches?

I can't be the only one that's happened to.

Anyway, I know that if you go travelling, you'll want to keep in touch with the blog world, so you'll be tempted to mention to a native that you're going to check Instapundit. However, I must warn you that doing so may be fraught with danger. So in an effort to prevent future international incidents, I thought I'd check on what "Instapundit" meant in various foreign languages. Before you open your mouth in some filthy, non-American cesspool of a country, check the list:

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Arabic - Those camels are sexually desirable.

Chinese - I enjoy shoving rice up my nose.

Korean - Your hair is quite poofy.

Zulu - I offer three plump goats for your daughter.

Eskimo - My club is too small to kill that baby seal.

Klingon - I have dishonored your family by mating with your mother, who is quite ugly.

Hebrew - Is that shake made with kosher puppies?

Democrat - My taxes are too low. Please raise them with great haste.

Irish - Let's drink and fight!

Kurdish - I miss Saddam.

Portuguese - Ricky Martin! Mmmm... FOXY!

Esperanto - I think we should resort to cannibalism.

Icelandic - With hindsight, I regret licking this flagpole.

Swedish - Are those real?

Thai - Enter my car and I will give you candy.

Italian - Your sister's back hair is quite fetching.

Ukranian - $40 million is too much for such a small nuclear device. You must do better, or I will take my business to Belarus.

Scottish - Is that a bagpipe in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Canadian - Instapundit, eh?

---

I also tried it in French, but - like every other word I tried - it kept coming back as "we surrender". I think the Google Translator might be broken.

If I missed any important languages, feel free to leave your translations in the commments.

Comments (18)

September 07, 2005

Bush Causes Hurricane!

Posted by Harvey at 08:20 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

A lot of people have tried to blame Hurricane Katrina on President Bush.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr., for example, claims it's because Bush refused to sign legislation reducing CO2 output, thus contributing to global warming and causing chaotic weather patterns, including Hurricane Katrina.

Silly Bobby! George's Katrina connection is far more crafty and subtle than the ham-fisted scenario that you outline. His actual contributions to global warming include such diverse elements as:

* Boiling water to make tea, but not immediately turning off the stove burner afterwards.

* Ordering extra jalapenos with his nachos.

* Allowing Kim Jong Il's poofy hair to trap carbon dioxide - a known greenhouse gas.

* Sure, he made Kim get it cut eventually, but not until AFTER the damage was already done.

* Having two really hot daughters.

Once his negligence allowed Katrina to form, he didn't do anything to prevent it's destructive rampage. Consider:

* He could've lined the Gulf Coast with big fans and blown Katrina down to Cuba - but he didn't.

* He could've ordered the space shuttle to orbit the Earth really fast, thus turning back time so that the hurricane could've been prevented - but he didn't.

* He could've stood atop a levee shouting "By the power of Grayskull, I command you to stop!" - but he didn't.

That's right. He let Hurricane Katrina have free reign to do whatever the hell she wanted!

WHY?

Because hurricanes tend to vote Republican, THAT'S why!

But you'd think Chimpy McBushitler would've at LEAST been smart enough to make the APPEARANCE of helping out after the storm, right?

HA!

* He was overheard praying for God to "take care of those poor people in New Orleans". Apparently he meant "take care of" in the Don Corleone sense.

* Remember that plastic turkey Bush tried serving to the troops in 2003? He could've airdropped thousands of them to the victims to use as flotation devices - but he didn't!

* He was even videotaped casting a spell on the Sorcerer's Broom to carry buckets of water into the city to drown everyone!

(artist's conception of President Bush causing flooding)

But even if all this evidence doesn't convince you, you still can't deny that the following Top Secret photograph proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that George Bush is responsible for Hurricane Katrina:

(Actual picture of President Bush's weather control machine)

Crap! Gotta run! Black helicopters!!!

Don't let Bush get away with this!1!!

Comments (21)

September 02, 2005

Evil Glenn's BlogAd

Posted by Harvey at 05:28 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

I knew that Instapundit's been getting worried about Michele Malkin's increasing popularity in the Ecosystem, and I heard a rumor that he was going to start buying BlogAds to keep his traffic up, but I was still a little surprised the first time I saw this:

Comments (10)

August 31, 2005

George Bush is Stealing My Oil!

Posted by Harvey at 06:19 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

According to modern leftist dogma, the whole reason we went to Iraq is to steal oil. Yet oil's going for nearly $70 a barrel these days.

Since it's obvious that he didn't sell it on the open market, what did W do with all that stolen oil?

My theories:

---

* Fixed that sticky door hinge on Air Force One.

* Needed supplies for the "Oil-Wrestle Condi" contest.

* Keeps it in his personal refinery so that he has enough gas to drive his International CXT across town if he wants to.

* Dumped it in Boston Harbor as a protest against England's "Texas Tea Tax".

* He's reverse-engineering it to make an army of dinosaurs.

* Sea otters have become tragically non-flammable in recent years. Trend now reversed.

* It's still sitting in Iraq, because Bush is having trouble getting blood for it.

* Bush hopes that if he keeps enough oil for himself, his monkey-faced daughters will grow up to be as pretty as Elly May.

* It's even possible that he didn't steal the oil. Maybe it's just that there are no barrels left to put the oil in because Bush had them made into steelpan drums which he's giving away to boost his poll numbers in the Caribbean-American community.

* However, based on recently acquired satellite images, I'd have to say that it's pretty obvious that he's just hiding it in and around the White House.

(click to enlarge)

---

BONUS FUN GAME: How many barrels of George Bush's stolen oil can you find in this picture?

Comments (14)

August 30, 2005

Maybe They'll Think THIS is Funny

Posted by Harvey at 04:22 PM | Email This

A while back I was criticized by some leftists for not being funny, so I decided to see if I could learn their ways so that I could, perhaps, better appeal to their peculiar sense of humor.

So... what do leftists find funny?

Well, after I Google Image searched for pictures of Bush, I found...

Let me rephrase that... after I Google Image searched with "safe search" enabled, I found out that leftists are highly amused by crudely defaced pictures:

(click to enlarge)

Ok, then I think they should get a pretty good laugh out of this Cindy Sheehan picture:

(click to enlarge)

So, if I soak it in urine, do you think I could get a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts?

Comments (10)

August 28, 2005

Fun Facts About Illinois: The Director's Cut

Posted by Harvey at 10:55 AM | Email This

(NOTE: I mistakenly had this posted last week for about a day. If you missed Idaho, go here)

The version on the IMAO podcast (#13) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we're stopping in the heartland of America to visit Illinois, so let's get started...

Illinois became the 21st state on December 3rd, 1818, and - except for Arkansas - is the only state that carries the death penalty for pronouncing the S at the end of the state's name.

Politically, Illinois is like 2 states in one. The Chicago area - which is urban and heavily Democratic - and the rest of the state, which is rural and sane.

Chicago politicians are easily identifiable by their colorful "Bribe me!" lapel pins.

During the Civil War, Illinois was bitterly divided between those who wanted black people to vote and those who wanted to restrict the franchise to white people and the dead.

10% of Illinois' economy is based on the production of various corn products. The other 90% consists of official "Just wait 'till next year!" logo Cubs merchandise.

Although Illinois borders both Lake Michigan and the Mississippi River, most citizens get their water from large, camel-like humps on their backs.

Every year, millions of Illinoisans head north to the Wisconsin Dells to spend their money on water parks, souveniers, and speeding tickets.

Illinois is currently experiencing rapid population growth because an Illinoisan's only natural predator is the Wisconsin State Highway Patrol.

Few people shop at the malls in Illinois due to the twin hazards of high sales taxes and recklessly-driving Blues musicians.

The first skyscraper was built in Chicago in 1895. When completed, it was 9 stories tall and was immediately destroyed by God for using non-union labor.

At least according to the Teamsters who witnessed the event.

Thanks to Illinois' strict gun control laws, you may wander about freely after dark without having to worry about being mugged by a law-abiding citizen.

Due to the extremely harsh winters in Illinois, natives of the state grow thick coats of fur to protect them from the elements, and are frequently clubbed to death by Alaskan tourists.

People from Chicago like to brag about their "Chicago-style" pizza, but it's really just regular pizza sprinkled with bits of people who hired non-union labor.

Springfield is the capitol of Illinois. While there, be sure to visit Lincoln's Tomb and Moe's Tavern.

The state dance of Illinois is the Square Dance.

Except in certain parts of Chicago, where it's the "I NEED CRACK!" jitterbug.

Chicago was setting for George Romero's movie "Night of the Voting Dead".

The Sears Tower in Chicago is the tallest building in North America and contains enough office space to hold a year's supply of Twinkies for Michael Moore.

The state tree of Illinois is the White Oak, which is just plain racist.

The state snack of Illinois is popcorn. MORE racism!

The first McDonald's restaurant opened in Des Plaines, Illinois in 1940 after the McDonald brothers perfected their technique for making thin, round patties out of rat turds and sawdust.

Early in the church's history, the Mormons settled in Nauvoo, Illinois, but moved to Utah after the Iroquois Indians gave them smallpox and stole their land.

During the Civil War, Illinois was home to the notorious Rock Island prison camp, where it's estimated that over 100,000 Confederate prisoners were either starved to death or denied access to Korans.

13% of Illinois' population is foreign-born. Mostly Irishmen who ran out of money while travelling to Idaho's annual Spud-Fest.

People from Chicago must pass a literacy test before they are allowed to vote, which consists of correctly identifying the letter "D".

It was the original French settlers who chose the White-Tailed Deer as the Illinois state animal. They looked upon it as a kindred spirit, since it appeared to be raising a white flag while fleeing at the first sign of danger.

Chicago is home to the world's largest public library. Sadly, not enough of the books have pictures to make it of any use to the Irish.

The city of Bloomington, Illinois consists of 60% women and 40% men. Even Frank J. could get lucky there.

If he weren't... you know... already attached.

SarahK's gonna kill me now, isn't she?

In 1999 the city of Kankakee, Illinois was voted "America's Worst Place to Live". It improved to "America's Best Place to Live" after the city implemented its "free breast implant" program.

That wraps up the Illinois edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be sneaking eastward across the border into Indiana.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go eat some popcorn because I'm a racist.

---

UPDATE 8-27-05: Per a reminder from the Humble Devil Dog of Random Firing of Neurons I should add this:

If you visit a state that borders Illinois, you may hear Illinois tourists referred to as "FIB's", which stands for Fine Illinois Brethren.

If you're FROM one of those border states, then you know I just lied to you.

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Comments (13)

August 26, 2005

Evil Glenn's Summer Camp

Posted by Harvey at 10:54 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

So I wandered into the IMAO break room for a cup of coffee to find the lovely and talented SarahK sitting there looking glum...

HARV: Mornin' Sarah. You're looking remarkably underweight today. Why so sad?

sarah: i was just thinking that the imao readers give us so much... we should do more to give back to the community... something charitable

HARV: Well, all the writers that Frank adopted have agreed to not take any money so that Frank J. can shower you with sparkly diamonds. That's sorta like charity.

sarah: i like diamonds! they're shiny and pretty! like the eyes of happy children! you should do something for children so that they look more like diamonds.

HARV: I already help children by beating them up and stealing their lunch money, thus forcing them to work harder to earn replacement money, which improves the economy. EVERYBODY wins!

sarah: ummmm.... maybe there's another way to help children. there's an ad here in the paper that says this summer camp is hiring counselors. i'll bet that would make kids happy. you should apply.

HARV: Well... it IS in Iowa, and I *do* need to do some research for that upcoming podcast...

sarah: great!... oh, and if you see frank on your way out, tell him my diamond collection needs polishing.

...so I went to Iowa, passed the interview by virtue of being able to fog a mirror, and soon found myself in the orientation room getting instructions from the leader of the camp - Glenn Reynolds...(continued in extended entry)

Read More »

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GLENN: Hello, teammates! Welcome to the Glenn Reynolds Super Happy Lucky Fun Dancing And Concentration Camp For Kids. As you know, I'm a big fan of communism, and one of my favorite commies, Hugo Chavez, was recently threatened with assassination by Pat Robertson. I thought I'd cheer him up by sending him a video of dozens of American children doing the robot dance, since NOTHING says "Yay! Communism!" like a good robot dance.

As counselors, your job will be to teach these kids how to dance. We're on a tight schedule, so if the kids start getting tired, just give 'em puppy shakes until they perk up.

Now hop to it, people!

...unfortunately, I was busy listening to the latest IMAO podcast & didn't catch everything he said, so...

HARV: All right kids, we're here to build robots for France, so... YOU!... [squints at nametag]... Timmy... you look the most like Jimmy Neutron... here's a box of toy light sabers. Grab your nerdy little friends & make robots out of these.

TIMMY: No problem, Mr. Harvey... say, what do you want these robots to do?

HARV: Well, they're going to France, so program them to engage in random acts of violence.

TIMMY: But Mr. Glenn said something about making them dance...

HARV: Huh?... oh... then give them guns so they can shoot at the Frenchman's feet. THAT'LL make 'em dance.

TIMMY: But I think Mr. Glenn said that the ROBOTS should dance.

HARV [high pitched mocking voice]: Mr. Glenn said! Mr. Glenn said!... FINE!... make them dancing robots... with guns!

TIMMY: But I can't make bullets out of plastic toys! I need gunpowder for that.

HARV [rolling eyes]: They are NOT paying me enough to put up with this cr... HERE! Here's some baseball bats! Just make it so they swing at those stupid surrender monkeys' legs!

TIMMY: So... what kind of dance should the robots do? Break? Ballroom? Tango? Waltz? Disco? Dirty?

HARV: I DON'T CARE! I'm trying to write Fun Facts About Iowa and I'm still twenty corn jokes short! Just go with that first one you said! Now leave me alone before I beat you up and take your lunch money!

...the night of the big dance videotaping arrived...

HARV [to self]: "now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick my ear". HA! Pure genius!

TIMMY: The robots are finished, Mr. Harvey. Can we please eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom now?

HARV: Huh?... uh... yeah, whatever. I think Reynolds said there were some guppy cakes or something in the mess hall. Just give me the remote control for the robots... Oh! AND your lunch money.

...I marched the robots up to the stage where Glenn Reynolds was demonstrating the choreography for the production...

HARV [glancing over keypad]: Let's see... AH! "Break"... There they go... uh oh... this doesn't look right... I think I need to find Timmy...

...later, in the mess hall...

HARV: Timmy, it's not that I don't appreciate all your hard work, but when I pressed "break", the robots all started smashing Evil... I mean MR.... Glenn's kneecaps with their baseball bat arms. Not that I mind, you understand, but I *am* a little confused.

TIMMY: Hmmm... let me see that remote... OH! *I* see!... just a typo in the program. It says "break danceR" instead of "break dance". Sorry about that.

HARV [tousling Timmy's hair]: Don't worry about it, ya little scamp. My work here is done. I'm going home. Thanks for all your help, Timmy.

TIMMY: Does that mean you're going to give me my lunch money back?

HARV: Don't push you luck, kid.

...a few days later, back at the IMAO break room, I bumped into SarahK again...

sarah: i heard you liberated an entire camp of innocent children while crippling glenn reynolds for life. now that's what i call giving back to the community! i'll bet those kids had the prettiest, shiniest eyes!

HARV: It went even better than I'd hoped. I finished Iowa, got $53 in change, plus some of the kids even gave up their cell phones. I smell an economic boom ahead.

sarah: any diamonds?

HARV: Nah. But I did get a gold tooth from this one kid who was a little slow reaching for his wallet... here, you can have it.

sarah: oo! it's pretty and shiny!

HARV: And the best part is that - with Reynolds being in the hospital and unable to blog - he's no longer number one in the Ecosystem. It's Michelle Malkin's blogosphere now, and... uh oh...

sarah: STOP TALKING ABOUT MICHELLE MALKIN! SHE'S NOT PRETTIER THAN ME! I'LL KILL YOU! DIE! DIE! DIE!

[gunshots]

...so as I lay here in the hospital getting my bullets removed, it occurs to me that the next time the nurse comes by to take my temperature, I should probably try to steal the diamond out of her wedding ring so that maybe SarahK won't shoot me so much next time I see her.

She's got a bit of a vengeful streak, ya know.

I just hope she didn't do anything to Michelle Malkin...

Uh oh... Ecosystem rankings... August 26th, 2005...

MALKINO DELENDA EST?

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Comments (4)

August 24, 2005

I Demand To Speak With President Bush!

Posted by Harvey at 07:42 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Since demanding to speak with President Bush is the hip and trendy thing to do these days, I decided to follow Cindy Sheehan's lead and demand to speak with the President, too, because I want to know:

Who's REALLY sitting in the prison cell in Iraq?

Is it Saddam Hussein?

Or is it actually best selling author Leo Buscaglia, presumably deceased since 1998?

Mr. President, I think the American people deserve to know the truth. All those lies you keep telling us... Please...

Stop.

In the name of Love.

Comments (8)

August 21, 2005

Fun Facts About Idaho: The Director's Cut

Posted by Harvey at 08:08 PM | Email This

The version on the IMAO podcast (#12) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we're taking a spud-tastic trip to Idaho, so let's get started...

Idaho became the 43rd state on July 3rd, 1890, despite objections from Illinois, Indiana, and Iowa that there were already too many states beginning with the letter "I".

Gutzon Borglum, the sculptor of Mount Rushmore, was born in Bear Lake, Idaho. He did his famous work in South Dakota after ruining every mountain in Idaho trying to get Washington's nose just right.

Idaho has only one radio station, but since all the surrounding mountains ruin the reception, it has only a handful of listeners. Although this may also be because it carries Air America.

Idaho is America's largest lumber producer and the only state in the US with a National Forest consisting entirely of stumps.

The word "Idaho" comes from the Crow Indian word, "E-dah-how", meaning "Is there ANY month when it doesn't snow around here?"

The tourism motto of Idaho is "Cold and boring like Canada, except with more gun-crazed right-wing militias".

The state tree of Idaho is the stump.

Because of the long distances between cities in Idaho, most trucks carry an emergency Hyundai in the glove compartment.

If your Hyundai doesn't work and you become stranded in Idaho, it's traditional to wait three hours before resorting to cannibalism.

Idaho is home to numerous private militias, which, like their revolutionary forefathers, have orders to shoot anyone wearing a red coat.

Idaho state law requires all registered Democrats to wear a red coat to the polls on election day.

Hell's Canyon in Idaho is 7900 feet deep, which makes it both deeper than the Grand Canyon AND a great place to throw registered Democrats after election day.

Although normally a peaceful city, Boise, Idaho occasionally erupts with violent gunfights between rival gangs of skiers and snowboarders.

The state bird of Idaho is the Bluebird, a shameful choice which clearly discriminates against the colorblind.

Elk River, Idaho is home to the states largest tree. At nearly 200 feet tall, it's estimated that this single tree contains enough wood to build a chair capable of supporting Michael Moore.

In Idaho, it's illegal to give someone a box of candy weighing more than 50 pounds, which is why Rosie O'Donnell will never play the Boise Improv.

Well, that, and she'd end up in Hell's Canyon after election day.

Idaho is home to North America's largest sand dune. It's 470 feet tall, and is visited annually by over 1 million stray cats looking for a place to pee.

Appaloosa horses originated in Idaho and were first bred by the local Indians as a war animal. Today, this hearty breed is still highly prized for its thick armor plating.

The largest diamond ever found in the US was a 20-carat stone discovered in McCall, Idaho, which then changed its name to Bling City.

Being a large but sparsely populated state, land is incredibly cheap in Idaho. However, due to high transportation costs for lumber, you can't afford to build a house on your property unless you make it out of potatoes.

The first nuclear power plant in the US was built in Arco, Idaho in 1953, but was destroyed in 1955 by giant mutant sheep.

Arco is now known as the "Radioactive sweater capital of the world".

The firefighting ax was invented in Wallace, Idaho after giant mutant sheep drank the town's entire water supply.

Beaver Canyon, near the city of Spencer, Idaho, is rumored to be the site of a huge fortune in buried treasure. No one has found it yet because they're too busy giggling at the canyon's name to search for it.

In 1925, the entire city of American Falls, Idaho was moved to make way for the American Falls Dam. The dam itself was recently moved to make way for a Wal-Mart.

Thanks for the Kelo decision, Supreme Court!

Jackasses.

Television was invented in Rigby, Idaho, which may explain the city's frighteningly low scores on standardized tests.

In 1896, Butch Cassidy robbed the bank in Montpelier, Idaho, after being screwed out of his free tote bag when he opened a checking account there.

Idaho law forbids children from deliberately stepping on ants. The kids don't mind too much, however, since pistol-whipping them is still legal.

That wraps up the Idaho edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we're off to the Land of Lincoln for a look at Illinois.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pistol-whip some ants.

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Comments (1)

August 19, 2005

The Life and Times of Instapundit

Posted by Harvey at 04:55 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

I heard a rumor that Glenn Reynolds was writing his biography.

Apparently I was slightly misinformed.

Instead of cranking out some 957-page pile of blathering crap, he managed to condense his life into a single song.

And thanks to a little bit of covert hackery, I've managed to obtain a copy of his little ditty WEEKS before it hits iTunes.

Enjoy.

SYMPATHY FOR GLENN REYNOLDS
(with apologies to the Rolling Stones)
(see extended entry)

Read More »

---

Please allow me to introduce myself I’m a man of hits and links Always been atop the blogosphere Even though my writing stinks Got the power when I gave my soul To Satan for a trade All I needed was a hobo In which to stick my blade Pleased you linked me I am NUMBER ONE! But what’s puzzling you Is how I get it done I strolled around old Shanghai Arm in arm with Chairman Mao He wanted a commie dictatorship I said I'd show him how I was the skank Who grabbed a puppy's flank Made the blender whirr Then the dog I drank. Pleased you linked me I am NUMBER ONE, oh yeah Ah, what’s puzzling you Is how I get it done, oh yeah I danced with glee Robot style, you see Twitching my flat butt And my flabby gut I shouted out, I'm gonna punch Frank J. 'cause don't you think He looks a little gay? Let me please introduce myself I’m a man of hits and links And I like penguin pornography It's just one of my little kinks Pleased you linked me I am NUMBER ONE, oh yeah But what’s puzzling you Is how I get it done, oh yeah, link me, baby Pleased you linked me I'm still NUMBER ONE, oh yeah But what’s confusing you Is how I get it done Just as every blog wants an Instalanche And I won't give one out Ignored blogs Just call me Evil Glenn ’cause I only link Ann Althouse So if you link me Have some courtesy Bow down and kiss my ring Link all my Hmmms, Hehs, and Indeeds I'm the Ecosystem's KING! Pleased you linked me I am NUMBER ONE, um yeah But what’s puzzling you Is how I get it done, um link it, get down Blog! Blog! Oh yeah, get on down Oh yeah Oh yeah! Link me baby, 'cause I'm NUMBER ONE Link me honey, I'm so NUMBER ONE Link me baby, 'cause I'm NUMBER ONE I blog all the time, and I get it done Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Oh, yeah I'm NUMBER ONE Link me, baby, I'm NUMBER ONE Link me, sweetie, I'm NUMBER ONE Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Oh, yeah

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Comments (4)

August 17, 2005

Campaign Slogans for Running Against Hillary

Posted by Harvey at 07:09 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Recently Jeanine Pirro announced her intention to run for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat in 2006. As a patriotic American, I feel it's my duty to support her by offering the following suggestions for campaign slogans:

---

"Pirro 2006: Her husband may have cheated on his taxes, but at least he didn't cheat on her with a chubby intern."

"Pirro 2006: Won't disgrace herself by showing slide shows of her family reunion set to the tune of 'Dueling Banjos'" (moderately work safe, but hard to justify - via BoingBoing)

"Pirro 2006: She won't dance around the issues."

"Pirro 2006: Never lost a billing record."

"Pirro 2006: Leaving cattle futures to the cowboys."

"Pirro 2006: Her other car ISN'T a broom."

"Pirro 2006: Because sometimes it's just WRONG to wear a bikini"

(click to enlarge)

"Pirro 2006: She can stay awake for an entire State of the Union Address."

(click to enlarge)

"Pirro 2006: Because as far as we know, this is the only thing Hillary stands for."

---

Feel free to show your patriotism in the comments.

Comments (7)

August 14, 2005

Fun Facts About Hawaii: The Director's Cut

Posted by Harvey at 11:51 AM | Email This

The version on the IMAO podcast (#11) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, grab your lei because we're going to Hawaii, so let's get started...

Hawaii became the 50th state on August 21st 1959, and is the only state in the US made up entirely of islands.

At least until California's next earthquake.

The Native Hawaiian alphabet contains only 12 letters, making it less than half as difficult to pass a sobriety test there.

Hawaii has five cities with a population over 100,000, none of which I can pronounce without hurting myself.

Contrary to the popular stereotype, not all native Hawaiians wear grass skirts and do the hula dance. Just the men.

Well, the gay ones, anyway.

Hawaii is home to numerous species of beautifully colored butterflies. Unfortunately, they have a taste for human eyeballs, so you probably shouldn't look at them.

Hawaii has no bridges connecting its islands, but if it did, Ted Kennedy would still drive into the water.

Native Hawaiians all have dark skin, straight black hair, and brown eyes. Sorta like Mexicans, except without the "sneaking across the border" part.

Most Dole pineapples are grown in Hawaii, and should NOT be confused with former Senator Bob Dole, since most pineapples could beat Bill Clinton in a Presidential election.

Hawaiian pineapples also refrain from referring to themselves in the third person.

Despite the impression given by the TV show "Magnum, P.I.", most Hawaiians don't have the same moustache as Saddam Hussein.

However, I hear the John Bolton look is becoming quite trendy.

The Hawaiian Islands are actually a chain of active volcanoes. Except for Mount Kilauea, which is dormant and serves as the hidden lair of an evil genius bent on global domination.

The main mode of sea transportation in Hawaii is the outrigger canoe. On land, it's hopping around and yelling, "OW! This lava's burning my feet! OW! OW! OW!"

The word "Hawaii" comes from the native Hawaiian word "Owhyhee", which means "That drink's gonna cost ya 15 bucks, ya stupid tourist! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

While vacationing in Hawaii, someone may approach you on the beach and offer to take your picture. Don't fall for this scam. He's actually trying to steal your soul with his evil voodoo box. Run away screaming.

Although it never snows in Hawaii, "Sno-Cones" are a very popular treat. However, you'll probably want to avoid the so-called "lemon-flavored" yellow ones.

No, I *didn't* enjoy my Hawaiian vacation, but thanks for asking.

Much like Illinois, Hawaii has no professional football team worth mentioning.

While at the beach in Hawaii, never turn your back on the ocean, lest scurvy pirates take you unawares. YARRRRR!

Again - NOT a good vacation.

If you have an extended stay in Hawaii, remember that ALL goods must be imported to this tiny island state. In the event of a Longshoreman's strike, always booby trap your precious horde of toilet paper to discourage theft.

Although Native Hawaiians never wear shoes this is NOT an invitation to play "this little piggy" with them.

Hawaii Five-O was a fictional TV show, and is NOT an actual crime-fighting organization. If you're the victim of a crime while visiting Hawaii, you'll have to take matters into your own hands by shooting people at random until you've calmed down.

The temperature in Hawaii almost never falls below 60 degrees Fahrenheit. At 59 degrees, native Hawaiians freeze solid and will shatter at the slightest touch.

If you accidentally shatter a Hawaiian, blame another tourist and escape during the ensuing confusion.

The state sport of Hawaii is shark-feeding... oh... sorry... "surfing".

While relaxing at the beach in Hawaii, tip your waiter generously, or don't be surprised when you wake up from your little nap by the ocean with the word "DORK" written in sunscreen across your chest.

Yeah... REALLY bad vacation.

In Hawaii, bikinis and speedos are considered acceptable attire at even the most formal events. As long as you can remember that "eye-contact" involves actually lifting your head, you'll be fine.

Good luck on THAT one, ya perv.

That wraps up the Hawaii edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be enjoying the potato-rich countryside of Idaho.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find another tourist to blame this shattered Hawaiian on.

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Comments (3)

August 10, 2005

Media Scandal!

Posted by Harvey at 07:19 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

A lot of people have been asking "why hasn't the MSM picked up on the Air America scandal?".

Well, it turns out that it's because the execs at Air America have been sitting on a bunch of stories that are - shall we say - "less than flattering" about the other major news outlets, and threatened to go public with them if the big boys cracked the story.

Through various nefarious means, I've discovered what those hidden scandals are:

---

MSNBC paid over $3.4 million dollars in bribe money over the last nine years to keep the Apple Mighty Mouse off the market.

Ted Koppel was videotaped at Peter Jennings' funeral rifling the corpse's pockets looking for spare change to support his vicious crack habit.

Since the 2004 elections, Dan Rather has spent millions of dollars of CBS's money buying vintage typewriters on eBay.

The ink used to print Newsweek is manufactured in Honduran sweatshops and its main ingredient is the blood of orphans.

Elvis has been working in the mailroom at NBC since 1977.

Almost a year beforehand, members of the Associated Press CLEARLY knew that September 11th was coming. It was on all their calendars, just sitting there next to September 10th.

Wolf Blitzer, booze, a can of Crisco, and a video camera. 'Nuff said.

All the major networks accepted serious payola from Lyndie England to keep showing those Abu Ghraib photos, which did wonders for her "internet dominatrix" business, which - coincidentally - is owned by Time-Warner.

Speaking of ownership, you may have already guessed that greedy corporate sports network ESPN owns 'RoidCo, which makes steroids in Honduran sweatshops out of orphan-blood.

Oh, and Robert Novak had sex with Tom Cruise, but hey - who hasn't?

---

Let me know if there any media scandals that I missed...

Comments (14)

August 09, 2005

Who is the Biggest Liberal?

Posted by Harvey at 10:16 AM | Email This

The Museum of Left Wing Lunacy is holding a poll to see which of the following is the biggest liberal. Contestants are:

Al Franken
Howard Dean
John Kerry
Hillary Clinton
Bill Clinton
Ted Kennedy
Nancy Pelosi
Joe Biden
Dick Durbin
Robert Byrd
Charles Schumer
John Edwards
Harry Reid
Tom Harkin
Pat Leahy
Daily Kos
Dennis Kucinich
Michael Moore
Al Sharpton
Ted Rall
Randi Rhodes
Wes Boyd
Joan Blades
Carl Levin
Al Gore

There are descriptions included, in case you don't recognize some of the names - did YOU know Wes Boyd founded Moveon.org?

So, after you vote for the IMAO podcast at Podcast Alley, you can go to the Museum and vote for Jane Fonda.

Yeah, I *know* she's not on the list. I just hate her so much that I typed her name just so that I could spit while I was doing it.

Comments (14)

August 07, 2005

Fun Facts About Georgia: The Director's Cut

Posted by Harvey at 03:48 PM | Email This

The version on the IMAO podcast (#10) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to eat a peach in honor of Georgia, so let's get started...

Georgia became the 4th state on January 2nd, 1788, and its citizens commemorate this day each year by shooting British people with muskets.

Contrary to popular myth, not everyone who lives in Georgia is a redneck. There's plenty of toothless, moonshine-swilling hillbillies, too.

Coca-Cola was invented in Atlanta, Georgia in 1886. The original formula has changed since then, and the drink no longer contains actual cocaine or the blood of virgins.

"Georgia" is a Cherokee Indian word meaning, "Are those rednecks or hillbillies?"

Despite the way natives pronounce the state's name, "Jawjah" is NOT spelled with a W.

Unlike the word "dawg".

Since it almost never snows in Georgia, children there spend winters having cotton ball fights.

While having a cotton ball fight, it's considered cheating to stuff a peach pit in the cotton.

In Georgia, everything is made out of cotton. Except the peaches, which are made out of okra.

Atlanta, Georgia has the worst traffic of any city in the US, since every street in the city is named "Peachtree Road".

The last time it snowed in Georgia, the confused natives thought it was ash from the Yankees burning Atlanta again.

The state motto of Georgia is "Wisdom, Justice, Moderation.", which replaced the old motto of "Whiskey, Hookers, NASCAR."

In Georgia, every soft drink is referred to as "Coke". Except for Pepsi, which is referred to as "Damn Yankee Poison".

After Jimmy Carter left the presidency in 1981, he returned to his home town of Plains, Georgia and went on a bloody shooting rampage.

Wait... I meant to say "worked for Habitat for Humanity". Must've been a typo.

The only way to get to Florida from Georgia is by sea, since the Georgia-Florida border is guarded by landmines and alligators.

The Georgia Music Hall of Fame in Macon, Georgia celebrates the careers of all the talented musicians who were born in Georgia, and is currently empty.

They WERE going to put in a Ray Charles exhibit, but they figured there was no point, since he wouldn't see it anyway.

Saint Marys, Georgia is the second-oldest city in the US, and will soon be moving to Florida to retire.

If it can make it past the landmines and alligators, that is.

The state fish of Georgia is the largemouth bass, which shouldn't be confused with the much more common loudmouth drunk.

The name of Georgia's largest swamp, the Okefenokee, comes from a Shawnee Indian word meaning "I'd rather live in a swamp than eat okra".

Georgia was originally populated by settlers from England and drunk people from Alabama who couldn't find their way home.

The Governor's mansion in Georgia is the only quadruple-wide trailer in America.

Some people are offended by the fact that three Confederate leaders are carved into the side of Georgia's Stone Mountain. Other people figure it's ok, since the back ends of the horses point north.

Between 2001 and 2003, the state flag of Georgia was changed 3 times. The latest version consists of a white background with black lettering that says "YOUR DESIGN HERE: $50"

In Georgia, it's considered ungentlemanly to stare at a woman's breasts while talking to her. Unless she's REALLY hot.

In the year 2227, Dr. Leonard McCoy will be born in Atlanta, Georgia and will go on to become Chief Medical Officer of the USS Enterprise. If you already knew this, then you're a pathetic nerd who will never kiss a girl.

The most common cause of death in Georgia is getting murdered in a fight over the proper way to pronounce the word "pecan".

Georgia is the state most likely to be invaded by Jane Fonda and have its peanut oil stolen to power her tour bus.

The official state prepared food of Georgia is grits, which consists of coarsely ground bits of corn and shouldn't be confused with hog slop, which is made from coarsely ground bits of corn.

Although Georgia is already America's #1 grower of peanuts, farmers there are already working on developing a "super-peanut" which will be twice as large and shoot laser beams out of it's eyes.

They hope to use it to stop Jane Fonda.

That wraps up the Georgia edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be slipping into a grass skirt for out trip to Hawaii.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go murder someone who said "PEE-can"

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Comments (15)

August 06, 2005

Totally True Tidbits About Uranium

Posted by Harvey at 07:18 PM | Email This

In honor of today (August 6th) being the 60th anniversary of the atomic bombing of Hiroshima, I thought I'd celebrate by posting some completely useless - and probably untrue - bits of trivia about the delightful element that makes pretty mushroom clouds possible. So here are some:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT URANIUM

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Natural uranium ore isn't concentrated enough to use in weapons, and must first be enriched - usually by stealing from minorities and the working poor.

The original motto of the United States was "E Pluribus Uranium", a Latin phrase meaning, "We will nuke you many times".

Uranium was discovered by French scientists Pierre and Marie Curie in 1898, who immediately surrendered in the face of its radioactive might.

John Bolton's moustache is made of uranium - just another reason to FEAR THE STACHE!

Saddam Hussein's moustache is NOT made of uranium - reports by Joe Wilson to the contrary notwithstanding.

Uranium is highly unstable and will decay rapidly if it doesn't brush its teeth twice daily.

Since 1945, uranium has consistently voted Republican to avoid being drafted to fight in another foreign war.

Due to its unique atomic structure, uranium possesses the power of flight when placed at the tip of a missile.

Using complex laboratory procedures, uranium can be taught to obey simple commands like "speak" and "roll over".

The word "uranium" comes from the Japanese word "Yu-hae-te-wum" which means "BOOM!"

Although poisonous in large doses, small amounts of uranium are actually nutritious, and can be found in such popular cereals as "Count Atomica" and "Nuke-lee-O's"

The chemical symbol for uranium is "U", which may explain why Joe Wilson was recently spotted sneaking around the set of Sesame Street.

"Uranium" is the only word in the English language which - if used in a Google Images search - will NOT return pictures of naked women.

"SarahK" won't either, but that's not technically a word.

Admit it. You just Google Image searched "SarahK" to see if I was right, didn't you?

You are SO going to hell for that.

In a battle between Aquaman and uranium, Aquaman would explode like a hamster in a microwave.

If uranium bites you, you will develop super powers. Use these only for good, lest you explode like Aquaman.

Despite uranium being hunted to near extinction, PeTA refuses to fight for uranium protection legislation.

This may be because uranium is bright and shiny instead of cute and furry, but this doesn't explain why PeTA annually slaughters thousands of innocent dogs.

Unless Glenn Reynolds secretly works for PeTA...

Contrary to popular myth, President Bush does NOT pronounce the word "uranium" as "u-nar-i-um".

---

HAPPY BOOM DAY, EVERYONE!

Comments (6)

August 05, 2005

Evil Glenn - NASA Director

Posted by Harvey at 08:02 PM | Email This

Evil Glenn - NASA Director
(A Filthy Lie)

Rumor has it that Glenn Reynolds has been tapped by NASA to improve our currently-stumbling space program.

His first priority: making sure astronauts don't starve to death if they get stuck in orbit pulling flattened spacemonkeys and other debris off the nose of the shuttle.

Now, we're all well aware of Glenn's preferred energy drink, but the problem is that normal blenders require gravity to keep the puppy in contact with the whirling blades. In a low-gravity environment, the resulting product comes out as a hideous, lumpy mess, not unlike Helen Thomas's face.

(artist's conception of low gravity dog-blending with conventional blender)

To correct this problem, Glenn has invented the zero-gravity puppy blender, as pictured in the extended entry...

Read More »

360 degrees of blade-contact in 3 dimensions ensure that every puppy smoothie is extra smooth.

Darn clever fellow, that Reynolds.

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Comments (6)

More Displays of Despair and Admiration, Please

Posted by Harvey at 01:12 PM | Email This

GEBIV of There's One, Only! heaps praise and envy upon the IMAO Podcast.

What have YOU done for us lately?

Comments (5)

August 03, 2005

The "UN"ternet

Posted by Harvey at 12:25 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Recently a U.N. panel was created to recommend how the Internet should be run in the future. Here are some excerpts from the report:

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No single country will be allowed to dominate the internet. Since the US is a single country, it must either get out of the internet business, or get married. Possibly to Mexico, since she looks hot in a bikini.

All internet sites will be approved by the international community, i.e. France, and any site without the official "cheese and beret" seal of approval will have resolutions passed against it.

The United States will enforce these resolutions on behalf of the UN in the face of international disapproval and ingratitude. If successful, must give full credit to France.

Any rapidly propagating viruses that slow down overall internet traffic speed will be blamed on the JOOOOOOOS!

All information posted to the internet will first be fact-checked by the Daily Kos Ministry of Truth.

The following phrases will be banned: "poofy hair", "filthy hippy", "communist", "ronin".

What grudge against IMAO?

Google will change the "Google Search" button on its home page to say "I [heart] the UN"

The "I'm Feeling Lucky" button will become "Oil For Food was a Legitimate Program that Saved Millions of Children from Cruel Starvation due to Unnecessary US Sanctions and NOT a Money Laundering Scheme Designed to Line the Pockets of Corrupt UN Bureaucrats".

All "adult content" web sites will cover naughty bits with little pictures of blue helmets.

All "adult content" sites will be thoroughly reviewed for compliance.

Until the US buys high-speed wireless internet access for all of Africa, everyone gets AOL and dial-up.

Except for those engaged in official UN compliance reviews.

All PayPal transactions must receive approval from Dr. Mbeki Salingo of Nigeria.

All bloggers will display the flags of every nation across the top of their home pages. Violators will be resolutioned.

No bushy moustaches. They frighten us.

---

Remember folks, John Bolton is the only thing standing between the free people of the world and the nightmare outlined above.

And for you power-hungry one-worlders, just three words:

Comments (8)

July 31, 2005

Fun Facts About Florida: The Director's Cut

Posted by Harvey at 11:52 AM | Email This

The version on the IMAO podcast (#9) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless, and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be enjoying a trip to sunny Florida, so let's get started...

Florida became the 27th state on March 3rd, 1845, an event which most of the state's residents recall fondly from their childhoods.

Or WOULD, if it weren't for the Alzheimer's.

The state flag of Florida was eaten by an alligator, so I have no idea what it looks like.

The knee is Florida's official state arthritic joint.

The largest private employer in Florida is Disney World. The second largest is the company that makes "this ride closed for repairs" signs.

After the Presidential election disaster in 2000, Florida passed a law making it illegal to vote without first removing your souvenier Mickey Mouse gloves.

The most common cause of death in Florida is being run over by old women who mistakenly voted for Pat Buchanan.

The second most common is getting run over by '57 Chevys that wash up on Miami Beach from Cuba.

The state bird of Florida is the Pink Flamingo, a feisty animal which is actually capable of killing a fully grown alligator, thanks to Floridas new concealed carry law.

Although most Floridians don't speak with a strong southern accent, they DO tend to pronounce the word "hurricane" as "Oh, SH**!"

Janet Reno was born in Miami, Florida, and only returned to the state because her magic mirror told her that Elian Gonzales was fairer than she.

Twice yearly, Florida is victimized by uncontrollable destructive forces which lay waste to the state. These times are known as "hurricane season" and "spring break".

The state reptile of Florida is the alligator, which subsists on a diet of fish, birds, and Japanese tourists.

The state song of Florida is "Grandpa, Don't Wear That Speedo to the Beach".

If a hurricane strikes while you're in Florida, just hand over your wallet and no one will get hurt.

Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon discovered Florida in 1513 while searching for the legendary Fountain of Orange Juice.

Despite the fact that the temperature never gets below freezing, Florida has a professional ice hockey team, which... nah, no one's gonna believe that one.

People from Florida are easy to spot on the road. They're the ones driving around with sheets of plywood nailed over their car windows.

If you move to Florida, buy a house with a colorful roof so that you can easily find it after it gets blown down the street by a hurricane.

When visiting Seaworld in Orlando, be sure to stop by the restaurant for the "slow learner sandwich" special.

Native Floridians never wear sunglasses because they have a special, inner third eyelid to keep out the sun's harmful rays.

Florida's Disney World is technically in a state of war with California's Disneyland, and the two theme parks exchange nuclear strikes several times a year.

The University of Florida's football team is named the Gators in honor of the millions of alligators milked each year to make Gatorade.

Neil Smith of Montverde, Florida, invented the riding lawn mower in 1933, adding to the list of useful things that Floridians could have blown away during a hurricane.

The state tree of Florida is the Palm Tree - so named because that's the part of your body that will be scraped raw if you try to climb it.

While in Florida, NEVER try to climb any sort of nut tree.

The Everglades in Florida is 2100 square miles of smelly, oozing, mosquito-infested muck. Most Florida natives still refer to it by its original name the "The Cesspool National Park".

Passing the test for a driver's license in Florida requires that you be able to make a right turn from the left lane across 3 lanes of traffic. Or so I assume from what I saw last time I was there.

Despite rumors to the contrary, "Florida oysters" is NOT a euphemism for boiled alligator testicles.

However, eating Florida oysters WILL cause you to grow a special, inner third eyelid.

The state flower of Florida is the Orange Blossom, which is a small, white flower with an insatiable hunger for human flesh.

The refrigerator was invented in Florida in 1921. This represented a great technological leap forward, as now Floridians had a place to store their melted ice cream when the power went out.

That wraps up the Florida edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be sneaking north across the border into America's peachiest state, Georgia.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go milk me some fresh Gatorade.

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Comments (4)

July 29, 2005

Instapundit For Sale

Posted by Harvey at 08:31 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Not long ago, Glenn Reynolds mused that he'd be more than happy to sell Instapundit for the bargain price of $145 million dollars.

Naturally he got flooded with offers, so he ran a contest: "Tell why you should be allowed to buy Instapundit in 200 words or less".

Here are some of the responses:

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Muqtada al-Sadr - "According to the Prophet Mohammed, all unbelievers are as filthy hobos in the eyes of Allah, and must be murdered. I will be most proud to carry on Evil Glenn's holy homeless jihad. Will you take a check drawn on a Saudi bank?"

John Bolton - "Once Bush takes his balls out of that little box that Laura keeps them in, he'll FINALLY get around to naming me as ambassador to the UN. I will use the power of Instapundit - and possibly a large wooden mallet - to crush all those stupid foreigners like bugs! LIKE BUGS, I SAY!"

Muzammil Siddiq, Muslim Religious Scholar - "Now that we have issued a fatwa condemning terrorism, we must make this pronouncement be heard from ALL of our most holy sites, including the holiest of all, the site of Imampundit, the most... what?... CRAP!... nevermind..."

Kim Jong Il - "As leader of the #1 dog-consuming nation in the world, what could be more appropriate that having me take control of Ilstapundit and its vast archive of canine-based recipes?"

Condoleezza Rice - "I think Bush might respect me more if I had a powerful blog. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but I *do* get a little tired of being patted on the head and being called 'my wittle Condi-Wondi'".

Michael Griffin, NASA Administrator - "We just want to own SOMETHING that doesn't have chunks of foam falling off it".

Steve Jobs, Apple CEO - "iNstapundit... got a nice ring to it..."

Bill Gates, Chairman, Microsoft - "The transition to Vistapundit will be seamless, since Reynolds and I both have pretty much the same deal with Satan."

Michael Eisner, Disney CEO - "We haven't had a hit movie since "Monsters, Inc.", and I'm thinking we could at least make a couple bucks with selling T-shirts on this site or something, and... wait... I KNOW!... "Herbie: Fully Blogged"!... It's so hip and trendy that it can't possibly fail!"

Johnny Depp - "I just finished playing a powerful-yet-creepy reclusive iconoclast with a fetish for short, waddling things that all look alike. I'm SO ready to be the new Instapundit."

AND THE WINNER IS... (in the extended entry)

Read More »

---

The City of Memphis - "The City of Memphis hereby takes this site with its power of eminent domain, pays $50 to Mr. Reynolds as "just compensation", and awards the site to Wal-Mart, since it will bring in more tax revenue."

Which may explain Instapundit's new banner:

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

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Comments (5)

July 27, 2005

Wonkette Says John Roberts "Not Gay Enough"

Posted by Harvey at 12:29 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Even with his penchant for plaid pants and his eagerness to wrestle with sweaty, half-naked young men, Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts faced strong criticism from the left for his lack of overt homosexuality.

"When Roberts was first introduced," said butt-sex-loving possibly-closeted-lesbian leftist blogger Wonkette. "I thought that Bush was trying to break ground with the first Gay-American Supreme Court justice. Why else would he give a girl's SCOTUS seat to a guy?"

"But as I looked deeper into his past, I was disappointed. Sure, he was a man-grabbing drama-princess in high school, but he also played football - although that last may have been an excuse to snag an eyeful of locker-room boy-booty."

"I really got my hopes up," continued Wonkette, "when I read that he'd had a role in the musical 'You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown'. I thought that if he played that *ahem* thumb-sucker Linus - you know, the one who kept rebuffing that pretty blond girl, Sally - that would seal the deal on him being light in the loafers. Unfortunately, he played Peppermint Patty."

"I guess I should give him SOME gay-cred for portraying a lesbian, though."

When questioned directly at a recent press conference, Roberts briefly acknowledged his disappointly mild homosexuality.

"Of course I'm gay," said Roberts. "Who wouldn't be festive & cheerful after being nominated to the Supreme Court? But I'll try to contain myself until after the hearings."

Comments (6)

July 26, 2005

IMAO Ideological Purity Purge

Posted by Harvey at 06:24 PM | Email This

No hippies allowed at IMAO.

Take this quiz, and if your spirit is impure, throw yourself under the wheels of Jane Fonda's vegetable-oil-powered bus.

[Hat tip: RightWingNation - "the five-percenter"]

Comments (32)

Time to Get My Hippy On

Posted by Harvey at 01:06 PM | Email This

(cross-posted from Bad Example)

Matty O'Blackfive says Jane Fonda's going to be protesting the Iraq war, and...

Fonda said her anti-war tour in March will use a bus that runs on “vegetable oil.”

Vegetable oil?

Sorry, but as a member of People For the Ethical Treatment of Vegetables, I'm protestin'!

---

"No veggies for oil!"

"Hey! Hey! Fonda, J.! How many carrots did you kill today?"

"Give peas a chance!"

"Jane lied! Turnips died!"

"Your hands are red with the juice of innocent tomatoes!"

"Avacados are not the enemy!"

"Jane Fonda: herbicidal maniac!"

"How many ears per gallon?"

"Kill one person it's murder; kill thousands of beans and it's fuel!"

"Free speech, not processed leeks!"

"Jane Fonda is Mazola's puppet!"

"Real patriots defend potatoes!"

"The road to peace is not paved with pea pods!"

---

Don't let Jane get away with this atrocity against innocent produce!

Comments (12)

July 24, 2005

Fun Facts About Delaware: The Director's Cut

Posted by Harvey at 07:52 PM | Email This

The version on the IMAO podcast (#8) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies in the extended entry.

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, grab your pumpkin catapult, because we're taking a trip to Delaware, so let's get started...

Delaware is a small state located in the Northeastern US in the New England region. Which is much like Old England, expect with fewer spam-loving Vikings.

At it's widest point, Delaware is 35 miles across, which means - in THEORY - that the state *could* contain Michael Moore's ass.

The world's largest frying pan was built in Delmarva, Delaware in 1950. It's 10 feet across, holds 800 chicken quarters, and is the only reason Michael Moore might try to squeeze his ass into Delaware.

Delaware was the first state to ratify the US constitution in 1787. This is why people from Delaware are always wearing big foam fingers and shouting "we're #1!"

Can't blame 'em, I guess, it's not like they have any sports teams to get excited about. Although the ones who don't read so well sometimes make a fuss over "their" basketball team the "Dover" Nuggets

Delaware shares a semi-circular border with Pennsylvania, which marks the perimeter of the area guarded by the official state pit bull that's chained up in Wilmington.

The official state bug of Delaware is the ladybug, an insect easily identified by its red back, black spots and 6 tiny foam fingers.

Delaware is the only state in the US without any national parks. They were all eliminated as part of the plea bargain after Smokey the Bear was indicted in Delaware on arson charges.

Delaware is the second smallest state in the US. It actually WAS the smallest at one time, but then they gave the state Pit Bull another 10 feet of chain.

Although the log cabin was invented in Delaware in 1645, only one log cabin remains intact today, the rest having been eaten by ladybugs.

The state bird of Delaware is The Blue Hen chicken which is known for it fighting ability. During the Revolutionary war, a single Blue Hen once defeated an entire platoon of French soldiers.

Unfortunately, the French were fighting on America's side at the time, and it would've cost us the war if they hadn't been rescued at the last second by a brigade of lady bugs.

The first settlers arrived in Delaware 11 years after the arrival of the Mayflower, because the men in charge wouldn't stop to ask for directions.

The official state song of Delaware is "Our Delaware", recorded by Chuck Berry in 1972.

Wait... I'm thinking of "My Ding-a-Ling". Nevermind.

The highest point in Delaware is a mere 442 feet above sea level. Despite the lack of mountains, Delaware DOES actually have a ski resort, located 5 miles north of Munchkin City.

The first permanent colony on Delaware soil was New Sweden, which quickly died out because none of the other colonists could understand a damn word they said.

I mean, how were THEY supposed to know that "Vhee zee cuoorfe-a hooffa heemun!" meant "Help us! We're starving!"?

A common sight on Delaware beaches are horseshoe crabs and shuffleboard lobsters.

Delaware's official state colors are "Colonial blue" and "buff", which is just completely gay.

The Delaware Indians were the most advanced and civilized of all the tribes in America until the White Man came, gave them smallpox, and stole their oil.

Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver, was born in Wilmington, Delaware. He developed his famous live-saving technique quite accidentally, while researching ways to sneak up behind people and punch them in stomach.

Poodle Beach in Delaware was voted America's Gayest Beach for 10 consecutive years. It's annual Drag Queen volleyball competition attracts thousands of... Hey! Is that Tom Cruise?

Sussex County, Delaware is home to the annual Punkin' Chunkin' contest, where people use homemade catapults to throw pumpkins as far as they can. Prizes are awarded for distance, accuracy, and the pumpkin that most resembles Ted Kennedy's fat head.

Many residents of Delaware enjoy eating "scrapple", a dish made from cornmeal mixed with pigs' hearts, livers, snouts, tails, and other parts too disgusting to be eaten on their own. If you're given the choice between eating scrapple fried or baked, choose suicide.

Delaware does NOT charge a sales tax on consumer purchases. It DOES, however, tax the earnings of prostitutes, since that's technically considered a "rental".

The test for a driver's license in Delaware is to turn your car around without any part of it leaving the state.

No one in Delaware has a driver's license.

During World War II, 12 concrete towers were built along the Delaware coastline so that observers could watch for the approach of German submarines. 1000 yards away. Underwater. In the dark.

Why yes, it WAS a union job. How did you know?

That wraps up the Delaware edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading due south to have a look at Florida.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go throw myself off a cliff so that I don't have to eat this plate of scrapple.

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Comments (19)

July 22, 2005

The Rise and Fall of Painless Self Promotion (updated 7-24-05)

Posted by Harvey at 08:33 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

On Monday, July 11th, Instapundit was, for a few brief hours, no longer the #1 blog in the Ecosystem, having been replaced by the 30-times-more-popular "Painless Self Promotion."

(click to enlarge)

The next day, things were back to normal, with Instapundit once again on top, and Painless Self Promotion nowhere to be seen. Almost as though it had never existed.

Well, I was there and I know what happened.

It all started just after we finished taping the round-table segment for the IMAO podcast...

(continued in extended entry)

Read More »

---

FRANK: All right Scott, you have enough material now? Can we hang up?

SCOTT: Well, Frank, if I take out all the times you said "uhhhh..." in the last six hours, I think I can get 15 minutes out of this, so... yeah.

ALL: YAY! FINALLY!

FRANK: Now before we go...

[assorted grumbling]

FRANK: Before we go, I'd like to get some more ideas on how to promote the podcast.

KEVIN: We could pay people to listen to it...

FRANK: That's the DUMBEST thing I've ever heard. I don't even pay you people to WRITE the stupid thing! Besides, I need all my money so that I can give handfuls of giant diamonds to my little sweetie-face.

sarahk: yay! diamonds are pretty! just like me!

SPACEMONKEY: We could try telling people about it instead of hiding our shameful secret like it was some sort of crazy aunt living in our attic.

FRANK: Telling people about it?... Why... that's so crazy, it just might work! Tell ya what, Monkey, I'm putting you in charge of the project.

HARV: I think Kevin should be in charge. He's a lawyer, so he's used to lying to people to make them believe that something bad is good.

KEVIN: I think RightWingDuck should do it. He's Mexican, and with him in charge, the IMAO podcast would soon comprise 14% of all the podcasts in America.

RIGHTWINGDUCK: Nah, make Laurence do it. He's Jewish, so he can pull some strings with the International Zionist Conspiracy.

LAURENCE: Sorry, that only works with money. This is comedy. Who the heck ever heard of a Jewish comedian?

FRANK: SILENCE! I've made my decision. Monkey's in charge, because he's an Alabama hayseed, and they're good at organization, planning, and taking over countries. Look what his people accomplished in the Civil War.

HARV: Uh, Frank, the South...

FRANK: Don't interrupt me!... Monkey, I want you to set up a web site that'll allow us - by which I mean YOU - to shamelessly self-promote the podcast. Meanwhile, I'm gonna hang up and go have marital relations with SarahK.

sarahk: no marital relations until after we're married! now say good-bye to your little friends and go study your Bible while I go make myself pretty for church.

FRANK: DAMNATION!

sarahk: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? you better not have blasphemed!

FRANK: Uh... I said... "Dalmation!"... It... uh... suddenly struck me what kind of dog I wanted to get.

sarahk: oh... good!... dalmations are pretty!... BUT YOU DON'T GET A DOG UNTIL AFTER WE'RE MARRIED, EITHER!

SPACEMONKEY: You better go, Frank... but what should we call the site?

FRANK: Something like "Shameless Self Promotion", except not that... think of a cooler name... Later guys...[click]

SPACEMONKEY: So... "Shameless Self Promotion" work for you guys?

[general murmurs of assent]

SPACEMONKEY: Ok, so who wants to help me work on this?

RIGHTWINGDUCK: Uh... my wife says my burritos are ready... BYE! [click]

LAURENCE: Zionist Conspiracy meeting... have to decide what to tell Greenspan to do with the interest rates... later guys. [click]

KEVIN: I have to photoshop you guys so you look completely gay... this could take hours... except for Frank's pic...[click]

SPACEMONKEY: Looks like it's up to us, Harv. Any ideas?

HARV: What's in this for me again?

SPACEMONKEY: Uh... bags and bags of money?

HARV: Riiiiight. I've heard THAT before.

SPACEMONKEY: I'll do "Fun Facts About Georgia" for you...

HARV:... so here's the plan... you make up an html page with a link to the podcast, and I'll hijack a popular page to put it on.

SPACEMONKEY: But hijacking is WRONG!

HARV: Yes it is, but this is more like piracy, which means we can wear eye-patches & parrots & say "YARRRRR!" and get lots of hot chicks like Johnny Depp.... Ah!... I see Technorati's FUBAR again... they won't miss their page... try uploading to it Monkey.

SPACEMONKEY: They want a username & password.

HARV: Try "linkwhores" and "404forever"

SPACEMONKEY: Ok... I'm in... page is loading... Hey! It worked!

HARV: Quick! Check the Ecosystem!

SPACEMONKEY: WE'RE #1!!!

HARV: Um... you listed it on the Ecosystem as "Painless", not "Shameless".

SPACEMONKEY: Sorry. Pain and shame are both such a big part my life since I started doing the Podcast that I get them confused sometimes.

HARV: Eh, you can fix it tomorrow. See ya then. [click]

[...next morning...]

[ring...ring]

HARV: KBBL's gonna give me something stupid!

SPACEMONKEY: Hey Harv, it's Spacemonkey.

HARV: Does this mean I don't get the elephant?

SPACEMONKEY: Even worse. You know how we hijacked...

HARV: PIRATED! Yarrrrr!

SPACEMONKEY: Uh... yeah... "pirated"...

HARV: YARRRRR!

SPACEMONKEY: Will you shut up for a second? Apparently "Technorati" is actually an Italian name, and they're related to the Gambinos and the Corleones. They left a "message" for me, suggesting that I give their site back.

HARV: I thought they used horses?

SPACEMONKEY: Apparently Instapundit wasn't happy with being knocked down to #2, so he was glad to help. Anyway, after they got done breaking my kneecaps, I took down our link. Do you think Frank's gonna be mad?

HARV: Nah. I thought this would happen, so I sent him a present to keep his mind off the podcast.

SPACEMONKEY: You got SarahK to give him marital relations?

HARV: Better. I got him that Damnation puppy he wanted.

SPACEMONKEY: Harv... he said Dalmation.

HARV: Dal... uh... CRAP! I gotta make some phone calls.

SPACEMONKEY: Ok, talk to ya next round-table [click]

HARV [dialing frantically]: Hi! Cerberus Hill Puppy Farm? I called this morning about...

---

Remember folks, DO promote the podcast, but DON'T mess with the Italians while doing it.

YARRRRR!

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July 20, 2005

Terrorist Spotting Quiz

Posted by Harvey at 12:24 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

After the terrorist bombings in London, it's become more important than ever for the average citizen to be able to detect crazy Muslims who mean us harm. As a public service to IMAO readers, I offer this simple quiz to help you determine your terrorist-spotting ability. Simply aim your sidearm at the correct answer and pull the trigger. If your monitor doesn't explode, you've chosen correctly:

---

1) Smells like a monkey, but has no tail.
a) Terrorist
b) Frenchman

2) Label on designer suit jacket reads "C4 of Hollywood"
a) Terrorist
b) Worthress Arec Bardwin

3) Towel on head
a) Terrorist
b) Galactic Hitchhiker eluding Ravenous Bugbladder Beast of Traal

4) Swarthy, hirsuite, bearded man with evil glint in his eye and no discernable sense of humor
a) Terrorist
b) Harvey

5) Sneakers have radiation symbol instead of Nike Swoosh
a) Terrorist
b) Merchandising whore Kobe Bryant

6) Makes pet Yorkie wear an explosive cardigan
a) Terrorist
b) Gay terrorist

7) Memorizes Holy Book, flies into murderous rage at slightest hint of blasphemy
a) Terrorist
b) SarahK

8) Prominently displays crescent moon on front door
a) Terrorist
b) Outhouse

9) Shouts "ULULULULULULULU!"
a) Terrorist
b) Country singer who misses his girlfriend, Lulu

10) Hates dogs
a) Terrorist
b) Terminator

11) Lives in the desert, sleeps in a tent, fires gun in the air at weddings
a) Terrorist
b) Buck the Marine

12) Man wearing long, flowing, badly-fitting dress
a) Terrorist
b) Transvestite

13) Kills innocent people when they least expect it
a) Terrorist
b) Ted Kennedy

14) Tries to smuggle weapons through airport security
a) Terrorist
b) Grandma and her knitting needles

15) Whooping it up at a strip club for a final night of earthly pleasure before his long-awaited entrance into Paradise
a) Terrorist
b) Frank J. at his bachelor party

---

Since this quiz is self-grading, I won't be posting an answer key. But if you got any answers wrong, buy a new monitor and try again.

America's safety depends on you getting a perfect score.

Comments (11)

July 17, 2005

Fun Facts About Connecticut: The Director's Cut

Posted by Harvey at 05:58 PM | Email This

The version on the IMAO podcast (#7) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless, and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's off to the East Coast for a look at Connecticut, so let's get started...

Connecticut is a small state in the northeastern US and is best known for being the place that beer cans land after New Yorkers throw them out of their car windows.

The highest point in Connecticut is Mt. Frissel, at 2380 feet, which is where Connecticut residents got to throw the empty beer cans back into New York.

Connecticut has only 2 interstate highways, neither of which gets you out of the state fast enough.

Connecticut is an Algonquin Indian word meaning "yuppie scum".

Although Connecticut borders Massachusetts, no Kennedys live there because Connecticut liquor stores all close at 8pm.

Many areas of Connecticut are plagued by foraging herds of white tail deer that destroy crops and gardens. The only way for residents to keep the deer at bay is pay "protection money" to Don Bambi, head of the deer mafia.

The New England Patriots football team almost moved to Hartford, Connecticut, but declined to do so because the deal included renaming the team to the Hartford Homos.

The pink & gold uniforms WERE tempting, though.

The official insect of Connecticut is the Praying Mantis - an obvious violation of the separation of church and state.

Connecticut is populated mainly by people who couldn't decide whether they wanted to live further away from Boston or New York City.

Connecticut is called the "nutmeg" state" because the early Connecticut colonists would sell fake nutmegs to unsuspecting tourists. This is somewhat analogous to referring to the Kennedys as the "designated driver family".

The state motto of Connecticut is "As close to New York as New Jersey is, but with less toxic waste."

In terms of distance, Connecticut is the closest state in the US to France, which is why most people in Connecticut face east when they spit.

George W. Bush was born in New Haven, Connecticut on July 6, 1946, but moved to Texas as a teenager to pursue his dream of stealing oil.

Although Connecticut ranks 48th among the states in terms of size, it ranks a close second behind Massachusetts in terms of "snooty, upper-class arrogance".

Connecticut become the 5th state on January 9th, 1788. It would've joined sooner, but everyone was out skiing in Vermont.

Despite the state's small size, it DOES have a state college - the University of Connecticut or UCONN - which should NOT be confused with the popular rat poison.

The state flag of Connecticut consists of a blue background, a white shield, 3 grapevines, and the motto, "He who transplanted sustains us". Officially, the motto refers to early colonists coming in from Boston, but that doesn't explain the large number of tourists who wake up in a tub of ice, missing a kidney.

The official state song of Connecticut is Yankee Doodle, which was originally written in 1750 to honor the official state pasta.

Being a small state, Connecticut has only one radio station, which plays nothing but different versions of Yankee Doodle 24 hours a day. The most popular being Snoop Dogg's "Yo Yo Yizzle Dizzle".

The world's first nuclear submarine, the USS Nautilus, was built in Groton, Connecticut in 1954, after which it turned on its creators and went on a fearsome, building-destroying rampage through the city.

The practice of branding farm animals began in Connecticut, where farmers were required by law to mark their pigs, which is why Michael Moore will never visit the state.

The Hartford Courant, established in 1764, is America's oldest newspaper. A glance through some of the earliest editions shows that, even back then, Doonesbury wasn't funny.

Seriously, when is Trudeau gonna stop recycling that "Thomas Paine eats catfood" line?

The Polaroid camera was invented in Connecticut in 1934.

Blackmailing people with compromising photographs was invented about 60 seconds later.

The first English settlers arrived in Hartford in 1636 and were tricked into staying in the area by settlers from Boston who promised them that the Patriots would move there "any day now".

That wraps up the Connecticut edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be sticking around the New England area and taking a look at Delaware.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go step on a Praying Mantis to protect my freedom from religion.

---

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July 15, 2005

Glenn Reynolds's New Book!

Posted by Harvey at 09:43 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

An excerpt from "Maybe I Shouldn't Have Said That: A Job Hunter's Guide" by Glenn Reynolds (in the extended entry)

Read More »

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Chapter 4 Deal Breakers

Most job hunting manuals will tell you that it's a good thing to have some questions ready for the interviewer to show that you have a serious interest in the job being offered. However, I've learned through bitter experience that there are some questions that shouldn't be asked, and some comments that shouldn't be made. For example, the following have all, at one time or another, gotten me an armed escort to the front door:

At the dog kennel:
You guys don't actually take a head count every night, do you?

At the homeless shelter:
Ya know, if the food prep area in the kitchen were a little bigger, it could double as a sacrificial altar.

At Arthur Murray's Dance Studio:
Is the Robot Dance considered Waltz or Ballroom?

At St. Peter's Cathedral:
Where do you keep the black candles?

At McDonald's:
Will you be adding the McDachshund to the menu anytime soon?

At more places than I can count:
I don't smoke, so is it ok if I spend my breaks slaughtering the homeless?

At the CIA:
Now that Clinton is no longer President, is it still ok to sell advanced missle technology to the Chinese Communists?

At Blockbuster Video:
Will this store be ordering "Backdoor Birdie" anytime soon? My copy is worn out and I need something to watch during my shift.

At the blood bank:
Is there an employee discount?

At the Suicide Hotline:
If the person calling is an jerk, can I just refer them to www.selfsnuff.com?

At PeTA:
Now that I've got this job, let's go to Red Lobster to celebrate. My treat.

At Apple:
Bill Gates said...

At the NAACP:
Did I leave my copy of "The Bell Curve" in the lobby?

At IBM:
Mind if I take some notes on my Powerbook while we talk?

At the National Organization for Women:
Weren't you on the cover of "Hefty Hooters" magazine? [pulling out latest edition] See? Looks just like you.

I spent six months in the hospital after that last one. So just remember, people: Be careful - it's a jungle out there

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Comments (2)

July 13, 2005

The Empire Strikes Back

Posted by Harvey at 08:52 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

After the cowardly attacks in London, the Brits went completely whacking hatstand, plotting bloody vengeance against those what done them wrong.

In their own typical, understated, cultured, and excessively polite English way, the Crown's Tommy's re-doubled their efforts in the Middle East to stick a dagger in the heart of organized Muslim terror.

Amongst the weaponry rapidly deployed against the filthy terrorists were such diverse elements as:

---

The Rather Unpleasant Exploding Head Laser Beam

The 20 Megaton Nuclear Crumpet of Mild Inconvenience

The Terribly Sorry About That Old Chap 7.62mm Explosive Sniper Round

The Didn't Mean to Trouble You Electrified Gonad Zapper and Battlefield Intelligence Procurer

The Double-Oh Eyeball Knife

Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Napalm Spam Spam Spam and Spam

The Bit of a Sticky Rocket-Propelled Wicket

The 'Tis But a Scratch Depleted Uranium Bugger the Blighters Bunker Buster Missile

The Not Quite Cricket Cluster Bomb

The Nudge Nudge Say No More Bazooka

And...

A special propaganda bomb containing pamphlets imprinted with a single, multiple choice question:

"Sunny morning, me cheeky monkeys, and quiz me this: What word best describes Osama bin Laden?

A) arse-bandit
B) back scuttler
C) battyboy
D) beaver leaver
E) bender
F) brown hatter
G) buftie
H) bum-chum
I) chutney ferret
J) friend of Dorothy
K) fudge nudger
L) jobby jabber
M) knob jockey
N) marmite miner
O) mincer
P) pillow-biter
Q) poncey
R) poofter
S) shirtlifter
T) uphill gardener
U) all of the above

ANSWER: OO! Sorry! Trick question! The correct answer is "You'll be stone dead in a moment because the bomb after this one won't be filled with paper. Cheerio, ya rammy arse-monger!"

---

I *do* so love the Brits. Bless them and pray for them, and may their swords forever drip with the blood of Mangy Mohammeds.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Comments (21)

July 10, 2005

Fun Facts About Colorado: The Director's Cut

Posted by Harvey at 02:48 PM | Email This

The version on the IMAO podcast (#6) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies within the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, grab your hiking boots because we're headed to the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, so let's get started...

Colorado is a large state in the West-central US that has spent the last century battling Wyoming for the coveted title of "Most Rectangular State".

Although people from Colorado have no distinctive accent, they can still be easily recognized by the fact that, when they say "Coors", they don't grimace.

The state of Colorado has an average elevation of 7000 feet above sea level, which, technically, makes its citizens space aliens.

The most common cause of death in Colorado is being struck by low-flying satellites.

Due to its high altitude, water in Colorado boils at a much lower temperature than at sea level, which is why joggers there frequently evaporate into clouds of steam.

Despite the impression given by a certain animated TV show, South Park, Colorado is NOT actually a real city. If you don't believe me, you can [CENSORED] my [CENSORED] you [CENSORED].

Skiing in Aspen, Colorado is both a popular tourist attraction and an effective way to kill a Kennedy without wasting a perfectly good bullet.

Colorado hopes to use the sport of Whitewater Rafting to take out a Baldwin sometime in 2006.

The state motto of Colorado is "Wanna buy a slightly used life-jacket for cheap?"

The cheeseburger was invented in Denver in 1935, which is why Michael Moore bows down in the direction of the city five times a day.

Annoyed by the millions of misdirected Valentines that arrive at their post office every year, the citizens of Loveland, Colorado will soon be holding a referendum to change the city's name. Options include Bitterdivorceland, PMSington, and Hillaryville.

Denver is home to the world's largest rodeo. While it's in progress, the city has nearly as many men dressed in leather chaps as San Francisco.

This does NOT make them gay, although they ARE flattered, and possibly a little curious.

There are over 200 parks in the city of Denver, which are filled with hiking trails, petting zoos, and angry tourists whose flights out of the city were cancelled due to sudden snowstorms.

Zebulon Pike, of Pike's Peak fame, was never actually on top of the object which bears his name, but he DID bring it to the nation's attention by mentioning it frequently. Not unlike John Kerry's relationship with his wife Teresa.

Colorado is the most dangerous state through which to fly and airplane, due to the risk of being hit by cattle that accidentally fall off moutainsides while grazing.

The city of Dove Creek, Colorado is the "Pinto Bean Capital of the World". Coincidentally, the nearby city of Cortez is the "Air Freshener Capital of the World".

Mesa Verde, Colorado is home to an abandoned Indian city made up of buildings carved directly into the cliffs. No one knows exactly what happened to the residents, although they may have been eaten by the Donner Party.

Colorado became the 38th state on August 1st, 1876, a fact celebrated by no one at the time, since everybody was still too hung over from celebrating America's Centennial.

Famous horror movie actor Lon Chaney was born in Colorado Springs. He moved to Hollywood in 1902 after a mob of angry villagers chased him out of the state.

Colorado's flag consists of a field of horizontal blue and white stripes, with a red letter C in the middle. The inside of the C is colored yellow as a warning to tourists that not all snow is edible.

Colorado's state dinosaur is the stegosaurus, which has been extinct since 1997, when the last one died from being hit by a Kennedy while skiing in Aspen.

The state insect of Colorado is the tick, which is highly prized by locals because telling a girl that you want to check her for ticks is a great excuse for getting her clothes off.

The Square Dance was named Colorado's state dance in 1992, narrowly beating out the Macarena and the Achy-Breaky.

That wraps up the Colorado edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be hitting the Eastern seaboard for a look at Connecticut.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go bow down towards Denver... mmmm... cheeseburgers...

---

Remember, the short version of this (as well as a vast array of even better stuff) is still available at http://www.imaopodcast.com/

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Comments (11)

July 09, 2005

Y'all Needs to be Pimp'n Frank J. for His Blogiversary

Posted by Harvey at 03:45 PM | Email This

Susie of Practical Penumbra posted the following at Alliance HQ. Even if you're not a member of The Alliance of Free Blogs, you're encouraged to play along, if you're so inclined.

Today is Frank's 3rd blogiversary, so to celebrate I am going to blatantly encourage "link-doping" in order to nudge him up the Ecosystem! My evil plan was to pick a post of his, and exhort everyone to link to it with just "Indeed." The problem is, once I got to IMAO, I couldn't find anything Frank wrote! There's some really funny stuff by Harvey and rightwingduck, but I had to scroll half way to the next blog to find Frank's last post--and it's just a blockquote from somewhere else.

What the heck. A trackback is a trackback, right? So everyone blog:

Indeed.

The permalink is http://www.imao.us/archives/003452.html and the trackback url is http://www.imao.us/cgi-bin/mt-tb.cgi/2858

Comments (2)

July 08, 2005

The Truth About Frank J.

Posted by Harvey at 10:39 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

In honor of his third blogiversary (July 9th), I thought I should promulgate some important information about Frank J.

It's not always pretty, but the readership deserves to know these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT FRANK J.

---

Frank J is actually a demented cyber-demon from another dimension, and his "In My World" posts are reprints from his world's version of the New York Times.

Even though Frank J. professes to like guns, he doesn't actually own any. His only weapon is a pair of fingernail clippers.

These were recently confiscated at the airport, so he is now defenseless. Go punch him.

The real reason that SarahK won the IMAO T-shirt babe contest can be deduced from the fact that Frank J. took that now-famous winning picture with his Crotch-Cam.

Frank J. has been known to use third-rate, spam-infested search engines like Alltheweb.com instead of Google when doing research for his Frank Answers posts. This may explain why a question such as "How many parsecs in a light year?" will receive answers like "V!@GR@"

Frank J. has a web site. People visit, receive immense pleasure, and go away. Yet afterwards, Frank J. still has his web site, which he will use again and again in an attempt to make money. Although this is analagous to what a prostitute does, this does not make Frank J. a whore.

A T-shirt pimp, maybe, but not a whore.

The Peace Gallery picture of Frank J. wielding a katana? Not really him. It's actually a hand-painted miniature left over from his geeky Dungeons & Dragons days, i.e. last week.

Frank J's grandfather, Frank H., was exiled from France in 1939 because - due to a tragic childhood accident - he was unable to raise both arms above his head, thus making him unfit for French citizenship.

Despite Frank J.'s devotion to the Christian faith, God still thinks Scrappleface is funnier.

When he goes to the shooting range, Frank J. always draws chimp ears on the targets and screams "Die, you simian bastard!" between trigger squeezes.

You laugh now, but when the monkey menace invades, you'll be begging for Frank's protection.

Frank J. is NOT happy to see you. That's just a pistol in his pocket.

Or possibly a pair of nail clippers.

When he's not blogging or podcasting, Frank J. is secretly buying black-market fissionable materials and missile technology from former Soviet-bloc countries. That moon ain't gonna nuke itself, ya know.

In a battle between Frank J. and Aquaman, Frank J. would hold a flounder hostage and threaten it with a Popeil Pocket Fisherman while he made good his escape.

In a battle between Frank J. and Hurricane Dennis, Frank would defeat the blustery winds of doom with his mighty katana and fierce battle cry of "I am the great Frank J.! Worship me!"

Which he'd say twice.

---

I hope this clears up some of the mystery surrounding the legend that is Frank J.

Happy Blogiversary, Ronin.

Comments (9)

July 06, 2005

The Only Safe Way Out of Iraq

Posted by Harvey at 05:43 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Democrats have been howling with increasing ferver recently that Bush has no exit strategy for Iraq.

Which, frankly, puzzled me.

I couldn't believe that Bush hadn't planned on giving us a way out of Iraq. I mean, it's not like America's a bunch of idiot Frenchmen (sorry for the redundancy) who would go plunging into a war without some idea of how to get the troops home again.

So I consulted with my favorite military expert, Matt of Blackfive, who calmly assured me that Bush does, indeed, have an exit strategy for Iraq, which he explains succinctly in the extended entry:

Read More »

(click to enlarge)

Thanks, Matt. I feel better now.

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Comments (16)

July 01, 2005

Evil Glenn's Independence Day Celebration

Posted by Harvey at 09:22 PM | Email This

(A FILTHY LIE)

I was strolling through the park recently when I came across a familiar socks-and-sandals-clad figure doing... something... Curious, I inquired...

Harv: Hey Glenn, whatcha doin'

Evil Glenn: GAH! Don't sneak up on me like that. Don't you ever knock?

Harv: Ok [KNOCK!]

Evil Glenn: Ow! My head!

Harv: Happy now?

Evil Glenn [rubbing rapidly swelling knot on his forehead]: It's a start. Anyway, if you MUST know, I'm setting up my Independence Day fireworks celebration by wiring bricks of C-4 to this helpless family of adorable fuzzy little bunny rabbits.

Harv: That's evil!

Evil Glenn: Lawyer.

Harv: Yeah, but this is beyond lawyer evil. It's practically French.

Evil Glenn: Like defending Saddam Hussein against war crimes charges?

Harv: Exactly

Evil Glenn: Well, I was turned down for that gig because I blend puppies.

Harv: Ah, I see, you were too evil.

Evil Glenn: Not evil enough. Jacques Verges uses an industrial paper shredder.

Harv: No wonder he's defending Saddam. Anyway, I'm going to have to stop you from harming those cute little animals

Evil Glenn: It's ok, I'm making them wear eye protection. The won't be harmed, just exploded.

Harv: Well, as long as you're taking precautions, I guess it's ok. Have fun.

Too bad Glenn's a little fuzzy on the concept of "minimum safe distance", because, when I heard the explosion, I turned around and took a picture. This is what I saw:

(see extended entry for exciting conclusion).

Read More »

---

(click to enlarge)

Hope those bunnies are ok.
INSTAPUNO DELENDA EST!

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Comments (10)

June 29, 2005

New White House Press Conference Strategy

Posted by Harvey at 06:49 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

At a recent White House press conference...

SCOTT MCCLELLAN: Good afternoon. Although I'm usually the one who has to handle questions from you journalistic jackals, President Bush has informed me that I'm not being aggressive enough with my responses, and he'll be handling the briefing today... Mr. President?

W: And you're too damn fat, too. Now, in order to encourage more respectful questions, I'll be instituting a program of rewards and punishments as a way of giving you feedback on your level of professionalism. Ok, who wants to go first?

(continued in extended entry)

Read More »

---

ABC: Why is murdering journalists the official policy of the US Armed Forces?

W: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Could you please step a little closer to the podium?

ABC: Sure... How's that?

W: Perfect... [presses button opening trap door]

ABC: EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

W: Since that pit has no bottom that I'm aware of, I should just go ahead & take the next question...

CBS: As CBS proved last year, you went AWOL from the National Guard. When will you be surrendering yourself for prosecution by a military tribunal?

W: Now THAT was a fair and balanced question. Here... have this cookie as your reward...

CBS: Tofu! My favorite! [munch, munch]

W: Now... you can either have the answer to your question or the antidote to the poison in the cookie.

CBS: I... [THUD!]

W: Hmmm... that recipe needs some fine-tuning... NEXT!

NBC: NAZI! Why don't you just grow a postage-stamp moustache and goose-step around the Oval Office?

W: Does the phrase "dodged a bullet" mean anything to you? [BLAM! BLAM!... THUD!]... guess not... Next question.

CNN: Could you please give us details on how you let Iraq turn into such a quagmire, and also, when ARE you going to grow that moustache, Hitler?

W: Good question. The answer is, the venom of a black mamba can kill a human being in four hours if, say, bitten on the ankle or the thumb, However, a bite to the face or torso can bring death from paralysis within 20 minutes.

CNN: I don't understand how that relates to...

W: You will... [pulls rope releasing a shower of black mambas from the ceiling]

CNN: AAH! AAH! OH GOD! MY FACE! AAAAAAAH!

W: Anyway, let me check with my research team and I'll get back to your question in about 20 minutes... NEXT!

MSNBC: Do you have an exit strategy for ending the unilateral occupation of Iraq that you're only doing to steal oil because you lied about WMD as proven by the Downing Street Memo?

W: Well, as Rummy explained some time ago, it's more of a victory strategy than an exit strategy. The key to it is that we're adopting Zell Miller's "spitball" techniques. Let me show you... *spitooie!*

MSNBC: OW! MY EYE! I'M BLIND!

W: No, you're only half-blind... *spitooie!*

MSNBC: OW! MY OTHER EYE!

W: NOW you're blind... NEXT!

REUTERS: How do you sleep at night knowing that the blood of millions of innocent Iraqi civilians is on your hands?

W: Well, I find that being mauled by pit bulls is quite conducive to relaxation... See for yourself... [whispering to Scott] release the hounds...

[*barking, chewing, screaming*]

W: Can we get a mop in here?... Now, who's next?

[silence]

W: I guess that wraps this thing up... still plenty of cookies left if you guys are hungry.

ALL REPORTERS: YAY! FREE FOOD!

W [to Scott, as they leave the room together]: Lord help them, they're just not. That. Bright.

SCOTT: They did major in journalism...

W: Touché

SCOTT: We're gonna need some help removing all these bodies...

W: Yeah... maybe we can get that guy who handled all of the Clintons' corpse-related issues. You know... that Gollum-looking fella...

SCOTT: James Carville?

W: That's the one.

SCOTT: He's a pretty staunch Democrat. I don't think he'll help us.

W: Persuade him...[hands Scott some Polaroids]

SCOTT: Is that a llama that he's...?

W: See if he'll take those as payment.

SCOTT: Very good, Mr. President... [hurrys away]

W: I love press conferences... [strolls down the hall whistling "Yellow Rose of Texas"]

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Comments (9)

June 28, 2005

Al Sharpton Now Supports War in Iraq: "Great way to kill Whitey"

Posted by Harvey at 12:20 PM | Email This

Known for his sharp rhetoric opposing the War in Iraq during his brief run for President, the Reverend Al Sharpton has now come around to giving the War effort his full support.

"While blacks make up over 20% of the US Military, they comprise less than 12% of the casualties," said Sharpton, "If there's a downside to this, I'm just not seein' it."

"Heh. Crackas be droppin' like flies!"

Former Ku Klux Klansman and current West Virginia Senator Robert C. Byrd also voiced tentative approval of the war upon reviewing the statistics.

"Although it pains me some to see good White men dying for Bush's illegal war for oil," observed Byrd, "I comfort myself with the notion that the ones doing the dying had voluteered to serve in a mixed-race Service. Me, I'd rather die a thousand times than fight under Old Glory with a Negro by my side."

"It's God's justice", he concluded.

President George W. Bush - speaking at a press conference earlier today - expressed disappointment at the news, but hoped that a solution could be found.

"It seems that "Operation Get Behind the Darkies" has been a miserable failure," said Bush. "I'll be meeting with the Joint Chiefs later this week to discuss ways of increasing minority casualties. I don't want the US Armed Forces to be accused of violating Affirmative Actions laws by allowing African-Americans to be under-represented in this vital category."

[Hat tip to Mean Mr. Mustard for the link to the stats]

Comments (4)

FUN FACTS ABOUT CALIFORNIA: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

Posted by Harvey at 12:22 AM | Email This

The version on the IMAO podcast (#5) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies within the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless, and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, grab your surfboard because we're headed to the shores of sunny California, so let's get started...

California is a large state on the western coast of the US which is inhabited by people who snuck into the state and live off the hard-earned money of the working class, or, as the locals refer to them, actors.

The main export of California is fine wine, which is quite similar to French wine, except that it's less cowardly and annoying.

California was originally part of Mexico, and many of its cities still have Mexican names, like Los Angeles, which means "City of Beating up Rodney King"

California requires that all cars sold in the state run on a special environmentally friendly fuel composed of 50% gasoline and 50% tofu.

California used to be covered by thick forests of giant redwood trees, but these have all been cut down to make nightsticks for beating black motorists.

The state motto of California is "Eureka!", a Greek word meaning "Dude!"

More turkeys are raised in California than in any other state, and most of them get released from Hollywood during the summer.

The Hollywood Bowl is the world's largest outdoor amphitheater and will be hosting next week's IMAO podcast with the re-formed Monty Python as the opening act.

Buy your tickets now or we'll send the IMAO goon squad after you.

Californians can be easily identified by their deep, golden tans and fake green cards.

California experiences 500,000 detectable seismic tremors every year. Coincidentally, that's the same number of steps taken annually by Michael Moore during his trips to the refrigerator.

The average earthquake in California only lasts about 10 seconds. Coincidentally, that's the same amount of time between the beginning of a typical Michael Moore movie and the time someone yells, "THIS SUCKS!"

The state animal of California is the Grizzly Bear, which, sadly, has been hunted to near extinction by roving hordes of the undead who feast on their tender brains.

MMMM... braaaaaaainsssss...

California recently legalized the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. Research is currently underway to investigate any possible healing powers possessed by hookers.

Many cities in California have outlawed the possession of handguns - however mace, pepper spray, and light sabers are still perfectly legal for self-defense.

You do, however, need a special permit to use force lightning.

San Francisco, has a large, free-spirited population of homosexuals, most of whom are safely confined to a gulag on Castro Street.

Clint Eastwood retired from acting to become the Mayor of Carmel, California, where he spends his days sipping whiskey and pistol-whipping Mexicans.

Many people hope that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will run for President someday, but unfortunately the Constitution specifically forbids the election of people who are unable to pronounce the word "Calee-forn-ee-uh".

Luckily there's no such restriction for "nu-cu-lar".

California is impervious to terrorist attacks because the noxious fumes from the hippies quickly render them unconscious.

Even though it's only a single state, California has the 7th largest economy in the world, 90% of which comes from the sale of breast implants.

Arnold Schwarzeneggar won California's special recall election in 2003 by running on the slogan of "I will crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of the girly men!"

California produces 17 million gallons of wine each year, which is enough to get Frank J. drunk 340 million times... if Frank were the kind of froo-froo sissy-pants who actually drank wine, that is.

Fallbrook, California is known the Avacado Capital of the World, a fact about which nobody outside the city gives a damn.

California became the 31st state on September 9th 1850 after winning it's independence from Mexico by defeating them in a brutal game of tiddlywinks.

California is famous for it's many elite golf courses, including Palm Springs, Pebble Beach, and No Blacks or Women.

In 1906, the city of San Francisco was razed to the ground by fires and earthquakes. Fortunately the local homosexual population was able to Queer Eye it back together in a matter of days.

The first person to receive a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame was Joanne Woodward in 1960. The last person was SpongeBob Squarepants.

Pauley Shore is still waiting.

Ronald Reagan was elected to two terms as Governor of California in exchange for his promise not to make a sequel to "Bedtime for Bonzo".

That wraps up the California edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading into the Rocky Mountains of Colorado.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch a Michael Moore Movie... THIS SUCKS!

---

My question for IMAO readers...

Does reading this make you more or less inclined to download the IMAO podcast?

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Comments (16)

June 26, 2005

Frank J. Murders Oprah!

Posted by Harvey at 03:00 PM | Email This

Oh, wait...

That's Tom Cruise.

Whatever. It's still a funny video.

[Hat tip: Gerard of American Digest]

Comments (6)

June 24, 2005

Battle of the Link-Whores: Instapundit vs. the Alliance

Posted by Harvey at 09:52 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

As Frank mentioned recently, the venerable Alliance of Free Blogs recently had its honor besmirched by Blogcritics.org, which accused us of link-doping whoring.

Well, *I* say that I've they're gonna throw smirch at you, you might as well rub it all over yourself and revel in the ecstasy of it.

But there arose a question of honor even MORE important. Sure, the Alliance of Free Blogs is an idiotically haphazard collection of people who merely want to rank higher on The Truth Laid Bear's Ecosystem, but how did we compare against the top link-whore in the blogosphere? The man who will link anyone, anytime, for any reason or no reason at all (except for ME, of course): Glenn Reynolds.

Well, it just so happens that that question was answered decisively not so very long ago. In fact, I even wrote a little song about it (in the extended entry)...

GLENN REYNOLDS WENT TO THE ALLIANCE
(with profuse and sincere apologies to the Charlie Daniels Band)

Read More »

---

Glenn Reynolds went to The Alliance He was lookin' for a blog to steal He needed more links 'Cause Instapundit stinks And he was willin' to make a deal

When he came upon this blogger
Giving links like a porn-spambot
Glenn Reynolds stepped
On a hobo's neck
And said, "Boy let me tell you what:

I guess you didn't know it
but I'm a filthy link-whore too
And if you care to take a dare I'll make a bet with you

Now you give gratuitous linkage, boy
But give Glenn Reynolds his due
I'll bet Instalanche gold
'gainst your blogroll
'Cause I link-whore better than you."

The boy said "My name's Harvey
And it might be a sin
But I'll take your bet
And you're gonna regret
'Cause I'm the best there's ever been."

Harvey you fire up MT and link to everyone.
Cause if you've got no traffic, then this blogging thing ain't fun.
And if you win you get free linkage just as good as gold
But if you lose, Glenn gets your whole blogroll.

Glenn opened up his laptop case
And he said I'll start this show
And fire flew from his fingertips
As he Googled to and fro

Then he found a post about Karl Rove,
- How he'd made the liberals hiss -
And a gang of right-wing blogs piled on
And Glenn linked them something like this

[Instrumental]

When Glenn Reynolds finished, Harvey said
That's some good link-whorin' son
Just sit down in that chair right there
And let me show you how it's done

He linked with: sacrificing hobos
Kill those bums!
The devil's gonna make Glenn number one
Puppy in a blender, round it goes
Reynolds does your dog bite?
Not no mo'

[Instrumental]

Glenn Reynolds bowed his head
Because he knew that he'd been beat
He gave The Alliance an Instalanche
While Harvey hollered "SWEET!"

Harvey said, Reynolds just come on back
If you ever wanna try again
I done told you once you link-whorin' bitch
I'm the best there's ever been

He linked with: sacrificing hobos
Kill those bums!
The devil's gonna make Glenn number one
Puppy in a blender, round it goes
Reynolds does your dog bite?
Not no mo'

[Instrumental to end]

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Comments (13)

June 23, 2005

Manufactured With Pride in the USA

Posted by Harvey at 04:52 PM | Email This

While reading Blackfive, I noticed this:

"What Durbin faced [in reaction to his comparison of US troops to Nazis] was the bubbling up from the blogs and the pounding of the drums," said Daou, who first began monitoring the bloggers and feeding them information when he worked for Sen. John Kerry's presidential campaign. "This is a political tool, and it's manufactured outrage, it's feigned outrage, and it's extremely effective."...

Yes, it IS extremely effective.

Why?

Because since 2002, IMAO has consistently manufactured only the highest quality outrage. Accept no inferior substitutes!

Made to the most exacting specifications at our state-of-the-art production facilities in Florida, Wisconsin, Alabama, and California, ALL our outrage is 100% American made from the finest pique, fury and indignation.

Looking for peevishness, huffs, or hissy-fits? Try France - because you won't find any of that girly crap here.

When you shop from the IMAO catalog, you'll find only durable, long-lasting products, such as acrimony, anger, bile, gall, hatred, ire, rage, wrath, and the occasional blood-oath of vengeance.

Why settle for petty peevishness when you can have black-hearted murderousness?

For all your manufactured outrage needs, think quality.

Think IMAO.

OR WE'LL STRANGLE YOU DEAD! RARRR!

Comments (15)

June 22, 2005

Relocating Terrorists

Posted by Harvey at 06:26 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

With all the hubbub about terrorists being tortured at Gitmo, the pansy Republicans agreed to shut down the detention facilities.

Not wanting to be accused of exacerbating the homeless problem, they started handing out government grants to encourage the creation of private detention facilities.

I checked it out - $50 per month per terrorist. That's some sweet cash!

So I figured I'd make a little money on the side by starting my own concentration camp, "Harv's House O' Happy Hebrew-Haters". All I had to do was keep these wacky Muslims from either escaping or complaining to Amnesty International and I'd make enough money to get that cool new PornStation Portable I'd had my eye on.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but - as you can tell from the security tape excerpts in the extended entry - it... could've gone better...

Read More »

---

HARV: Good morning HHHHH'ers! I'll turn on some screechy, atonal, ethnic music to help soothe your savage homicidal tendencies.

ABDUL: AIEEEEE! Stop torturing me with that horrible noise!

HARV: (muttering) Crap! There's the "T" word! I'll never get my PSP if word of this gets out! (normal voice) But it's "Mecca and the Mohammeds!" It's got all those twangy sitars and people going "ULULULULULU!" that you jihadis like so much.

ABDUL: You KNOW what I want to hear...

HARV: But...

ABDUL: SING, infidel!

HARV [in best Britney voice]: Oops!...I did it again
I played with your heart, got lost in the game
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm in love
That I'm sent from above
I'm not that innocent...

**************

HARV: In order to obtain your "Civilized Human Being" certification, you have to complete several excercises. The first is to write "I will not blow people up" 1000 times on this chalkboard.

JAMAL: 100 times.

HARV: 500.

JAMAL: 50.

HARV: You're supposed to go UP, not DOWN, you idiot!

JAMAL: You called me a name! I'm telling Amnesty International!

HARV: Fine. 50. Here's your chalk.

JAMAL: TORTURE!

HARV: NOW what?

JAMAL: Chalk dust is a carcinogen, just like second-hand smoke!

HARV: Chalk dust is completely harmless!

JAMAL: You're a torturer! AND a tool of Big Chalk!

HARV: Have you been watching Truth.com commercials again?

**************

HARV: Ok, Khalid, here's your drink...

KHALID: TORTURE!

HARV: But it's Mecca Cola! The kind with real camel pee!

KHALID: There's no ice.

HARV: There! Two cubes.

KHALID: TORTURE!

HARV: For God's sake! NOW what?

KHALID: Too much ice. It'll get watery. Oh, and you took the Lord's name in vain. Put my drink in a Betty Boop Freezer Mug or I'll tell SarahK on you!

**************

At this point I snapped and beat them all bloody with my Louisville Slugger.

I have to go to a Siberian Gulag for sensitivity training next week, but at least I found out where Osama's hiding. Figure I can trade the information for a PSP.

mmmm... porta-porn...

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Comments (13)

June 21, 2005

Please Notice That "Humor Blogs That Turn Into Group Blogs" Didn't Make the List

Posted by Harvey at 02:34 PM | Email This

Beejay of The Day Lee Misadventures has a list of the Top Ten Most Annoying Types of Blogs/Bloggers.

I'm guessing she had the Puppy Blender in mind when she wrote #2.

Go ahead & call me crazy, but read Glenn's latest "look at my new $1000 TV set" post before you do.

Comments (7)

June 17, 2005

EVIL GLENN'S FATHER'S DAY

Posted by Harvey at 10:01 PM | Email This

(A FILTHY LIE)

Q: Why does Glenn Reynolds love his father so much?

---

Read More »

(click to enlarge)

A: Because his dad lets him have all the spare parts left over from his genetic experiments.

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Comments (11)

June 15, 2005

A Tenderly Dedicated Poetical Ode to the Peculiar and Unpredictable Nuances of Political Speech as Occasionally Put Forth by the Former Governor of Vermont and Current DNC Chair, Howard Dean

Posted by Harvey at 07:07 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Howard Dean, a man insane
Earthworms crawling through his brain
Stood himself upon a stage
And sputtered loony words of rage.

"Republicans are filthy hogs!
Into blenders they put dogs!
Never work those honest jobs,
Sleep all day and dress like slobs!"

"Lazy! Shiftless! Liars, too!
Never bathe! They smell like poo!
They hate gays! Won't let them wed!
They starve old folks 'til they're dead!"

"Torture children! (call it "spanking")
CPS we should be thanking!
Kill the poor and steal their cars!
Say rude things to movie stars!"

"Foul the air! Pollute the skies!
Pull the wings off butterflies!
Drive big trucks! Use too much gas!
Keep the sick from buying grass!"

Appoint black judges! Women too!
My God! What's next? A freakin' Jew?
Hiring Hispanics left and right!
(Yet still their party's WAY too white!)

"Christian bigots! Muslim haters!
Rob the Irish of their taters!
Gulag runners! Women beaters!
Evil Nazis! Baby eaters!"

"I just want them all to die!
Then they'll go to hell and fry!"
(... deep, cleasing breath...)
Now I'm going home to blog
Vote Democrat in '06 -
YEAAAAAAAGGGH!

Comments (25)

U.S. Senate Apologizes to Dead People for Not Making Murder Illegal Enough

Posted by Harvey at 01:21 AM | Email This

Washington D.C - Senator Mary Landrieu (D - LA) was the proud sponsor of a recently passed non-binding resolution apologizing to victims of lynchings for not passing Federal anti-lynching legislation.

"It's the least we could do," said Sen. Landrieu, "these dead people need to hear that it's the Senate's fault - in a non-binding way, of course - that they're dead. I mean, if killing someone would've broken two laws instead of just one, none of this ever would've happened."

"She sho'nuff got dat right," said James Cameron, an African-American who survived an attempted lynching in 1930. "Dey was gonna hang me between two other colored boys, but den I says to 'em, "Y'all don' wants to be lychin' me! Dem Senators up in Washington, I hear tell dey done passed dem a anti-lynchin' bill! Y'all be breakin' TWO laws if'n ya hangs me!""

Terrified at the prospect, Cameron's attackers let him go.

"Dey was all scared and wettin' dey pants!" chuckled Cameron. "Dey din't knows dat I just be lyin' to 'em to gets 'em to let me go."

"Dumb-ass crackas!"

When asked if the Senate has plans to make future meaningless non-apologies to people for not doing things that wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference anyway, Sen. Landrieu replied with optimism.

"In the future we hope to apologize to Senator Robert Byrd for not passing a law to keep him from getting senile." said Landrieu.

Currently there has been no word on whether the Senate intends to apologize to Michael Moore for letting Twinkies make him fat.

Comments (30)

June 11, 2005

Goon Squad: Point of Clarification

Posted by Harvey at 12:16 PM | Email This

When Spacemonkey says you need to vote for the IMAO podcast or the IMAO Goon Squad will get you, you're probably thinking, "Oh, it's just a bunch of large, heavily-muscled men who'll beat the crap out of me. I'm not afraid of pain"

We at IMAO know that.

But we also know that you have... other fears.

Deeper, more primordial fears.

And we're not above using that to our advantage, as you can see in the extended entry...

Read More »

Vote for the IMAO podcast or the IMAO Goon Squad will get you.

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Comments (24)

June 10, 2005

Celebrating the Koran's Versatility

Posted by Harvey at 09:51 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

I always knew that Glenn Reynolds was a heartless monster - what with his puppy blending, hobo-killing, satan-worshipping, robot-dancing, commie-lovin', Frank J. punchin', peeing on cats' heads... oh wait... that was Frank... penguin pornography, and lack of linkage to the Carnival of Comedy, even when it has a flattering Instapundit theme - but somehow I never expected him to post a list of ways that he's personally mishandled the Koran.

Just amazing.

I mean, I knew he was a lawyer & everything, but that's just completely soulless.

UPDATE: That link to Instapundit isn't working, so I've put his entire post in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Heh. There seems to be some sort of kerfluffle about people abusing the Koran down in Gitmo - turns out it's the inmates. Sleeping on it like a pillow, kicking it like a soccer ball, peeing on it like a pregnancy test - things of that nature.

Personally, I don't understand the unpleasant reaction in the Muslim world. I say the imprisoned terrorists are just celebrating the amazing versatility of the Koran.

When most people think "Koran", they think "why do those stupid Arabs spell it with a Q?", but the Koran actually has a variety of uses beyond being a handbook of excuses to commit murder and blame it on God. In fact, here's a list of things I've used a Koran (or at least parts of it) for in just the last week:

* Propping up the short table leg

* Draining sweet, crispy bacon strips

* Emergency Swiffer cloth replacements

* Rolling papers (for legal tobacco use only, must be over 21)

* Making spitballs (just like the ones Democrats supply to the US Armed Forces!)

* Kindling

* Dusting Venetian blinds

* Cat box liner

* Paper-training snacks puppies

* Chamois

* Diapers

* Third base

* Wheel chocks

* Picking random words for filling out Mad Libs

* Replacement air filter for my Yugo

* Kleenex

* Kotex (well, technically, that was the Instawife)

* Litmus paper (turns yellow in the presence of gunpowder)

* Stadium seat cushion

* Making snowflakes

* Voinovich crying towel

* Clever means of hiding my Necronomicon whilst reading on the bus as I'm casing the vehicle for hobos

---

All in all an incredibly practical item. Truly the Swiss Army Knife of books.

Indeed.

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Comments (37)

June 09, 2005

Carnival of Comedy #7

Posted by Harvey at 09:02 AM | Email This

Ever since I was a tiny Blogspotling, I've quested for the secret of blogospheric domination. Having studied Instapundit - the unquestioned overlord of the blogiverse since time immemorial - I think I have discovered that secret:

Minimal commentary
Judicious application of trendy buzzwords, such as "Hmmm", "Heh", and "Indeed".

Brevity. Hmmm.

[NOTE - posts which include words or images that might make sensitive people feel squirmy will be marked with an "S"]

---

Two Dogs - Mean Ol' Meany - Mean Ol' Meany's Relationship Help-Line

Blacksploitacious. Indeed.

Senator Walters - The Stall Street Journal - Lately Fashionable.

Superannuated. Heh.

NOTR - ROFASix - Cessna Attack on DC - A Cessna Pilot's Perspective

Avionic. Heh.

Charles Jordan - [blogless] - Original Jokes:

They say that being dominated by a woman is one of a terrorist's worst fears. I say if it's good enough for John Kerry, it's good enough for a terrorist!

I saw the pictures of the male Iraqi prisoners naked and stacked in a human pyramid. I suppose that's called abuse in Baghdad but in San Francisco that's called a successful party!

I saw on the news that Ted Kennedy was upset because he was inadvertantly put on the Homeland Security "No Fly" list. Homeland Security corrected the error by putting him on the "No Drive" list.

Having John McCain in the Republican party is like having a bisexual roommate. You never know who he's going to be in bed with.

I'm tired of hearing about the terrorist prisoners in Iraq humiliated by being made to wear women's underwear. Hell, most of the democrats in congress wear women's underwear and they're not humiliated!

Conservative women are always more appealing than liberal women. Liberal women can be picked up on any street corner.

Unlinkable. Hmmm.

The Evil Emperor Mindstation - Point Five - Point Five Exclusive: Zarqawi Get Well Card Intercepted

Capraphilia. Heh.

Patriot Xeno - Right Hand of God - RHOG Votes No to EU Constitution

Plebiscitary. Heh.

Hatless in Hattiesburg - Hatless in Hattiesburg - Test

Toned. Hmmm.

[S] GC - Big [S] and [S] - ¡El cielo ha caido! (The heavens have fallen!)

Precipitated. Indeed.

Ironman - Political Calculations - A Memo From Management

Catbertesque. Heh.

[S] Chuck - From My Position... On The Way! - Top 5 dumb things I did this week

Educable. Heh.

Sen Marcellus - The Walloper - The Virgin Mary

Fenestrated. Indeed.

Citizen Grim - Right Hand of God - French Soldier's Survival Kit

Capitulards! Heh.

Michael Higgins - Chocolate and Gold Coins - Self-Help Guru Advises Us to Ignore the Experts

Antinomial. Hmmm.

[S] El Capitan - Baboon Pirates - The Great Cat Treat Challenge

Indigestable. Heh.

[S] Jason Pomerantz - Fiddle and Burn - The Laptop

Unillustrated. Hmmm.

Don - Zap*Germs - Not Making This Up: CDC Investigates an "Outbreak of Obesity" - in West Virginia

Megatumescent. Hmmm.

Buckley F. Williams - The Nose On Your Face - Top 9 Suggested Ann Coulter Book Titles

Pseudobibliophilic. Heh.

David - Third World County - Golly, another one-a those WoW "Huh?" words

Acculturation. Heh.

Jim McCarthy - Letters From California - Letter from California-June 5, 2005

Ignominiously. Indeed.

Odiwan - Irritation Station - Going to the Movies

Incommodious. Heh.

[S] Elyas - Ablogistan - Adventures of Acinom #4: Barbershops and Purple Hearts

Depilatory. Heh.

Nickie Goomba - Nickie Goomba - U.S. Describes Even More Cases Of Koran Mishandling

Impiety. Indeed.

a4g - Point Five - Inmates Await Michael Jackson Verdict

"Deliverance". Heh.

Tommy - Striving For Average - Swimming: If you are going to go

Aquaman? Hmmm.

GEBIV - There's One, Only! - Yeee Haw!

Interplanetary. Heh.

Mad House Madman - Chronicles of a Medical Mad House - Recommendations

Vulnerary. Hmmm.

Simon P. Chappell - Upright and Breathing - Funny thread on the Struts mailing list

SuperUberHypergeekdom. Hmmm.

Adam - Government Cheese - How Do You Think Mark Felt?

Deeper. Indeed.

[S] Chuck - You Big Mouth, You! - Norman Mailer

Cirrhosisisms. Heh.

Pluto's Dad - Eye On The Ball News - McCain Compromise: Wilford Brimley to Replace Bolton

Fungible. Indeed.

[S] Kim Chong-il - Beloved Leader - Korean Word of the Week 05.06.01

Gwiyopda. Indeed.

Hans Mast - The (not so) Daily Me - Great Parody Site!

Misrepresentational. Hmmm.

[S] Ellison - Blog d'Ellison - ACCUMULATION

Avaricious. Heh.

Senator Walters - The Stall Street Journal - Shaving Face

Hirsute. Heh.

JimmyB - The Conservative UAW Guy - It's like the A-List, but different. The Gay-List!!

Multiloquent. Indeed.

Ferdinand T. Cat - Conservative Cat - CSI Schaumburg - Teaser for Episode 36, "It Takes a Village"

Veracious. Heh.

Will Franklin - WILLisms - Trivia Tidbit Of The Day: Part 69.

Bluestockings. Hmmm.

Lana - Live From the Guillotine - The Book Meme

Bubbleheadisms. Heh.

Dana - Northshore Politics - I wonder how you would fix 'em?

Huevos. Indeed.

Kim - Ramble Strip - Tom Cruise is still nuts, I may be starting to panic, and Discoman is trademarked throughout in an attempt to be funny by overusing the TM symbol

Eclectic. Hmmm.

Doc Rampage - Doc Rampage - deep sigh

Ennui. Indeed.

Chad Hamilton - PlaidBerry - Top Ten Excuses For John Kerry's Bad Grades

Flop. Heh.

---

If you spot a typo or a broken permalink, pipe up in the comments.

Indeed.

And if you want to catch up with past editions, see the Carnival of Comedy page.

Heh.

Comments (7)

June 08, 2005

Self-Desecrating Koran Offers Convenience, Sparks Riots

Posted by Harvey at 11:40 AM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

If the Democratic Underground can have little wet dreams about life in 2006 ("GOP Swept from Power in 2006; Impeachment Looms"), figure it's only fair that other people are allowed to indulge.

Like me.

---

Self-Desecrating Koran Offers Convenience, Sparks Riots

Looking to cause havoc in you detention facility but can't trick your infidel guard into mishandling your holy book? The Jersey City based company "Desecrated Incorporated" has the answer to all five of your daily prayers.

"Although Muslims will riot at the drop of a hat," said Marketing Director Sam Snead, "they prefer a more provocative excuse, like the drop of a Koran. That's why we've created Korans that will give the appearance of being defiled without actually being touched. So when a guard approaches, all the detainee has to do is activate the easily-hidden remote control, and POOF! International incident."

"There are several models to choose from," explained Snead. "Our most popular is the Whoopsie Wayward Walker. It has little mechanical feet that spring out, enabling it to "walk" off a table and onto the floor. For added effect, another touch of the remote will make a kick-dent appear in the book's spine."

"Then there's our "magic ink" models. When activated, "stains" will appear on the pages to simulate either water damage, dirty fingerprints, a coffe-cup ring, or wind-splattered urine. Pretty hard for the guards to talk their way out of it when you have the proof in your non-kafir hand."

"We're looking to add a poo-stain version this summer," continued Snead, "but we're having a little trouble getting the smell right. Scratch & sniff is a tricky medium to work with."

Also in the works is a self-flushing model.

"It's the ultimate convenience" said Snead. "moisture sensors in the cover automatically guide the book directly into the toilet, and a tiny, water-activated motor propels it down the bowl and into the waste pipe."

"Plus the quick-dissolving paper is completely septic-safe!"

Muslims the world over rioted outside stores selling the special Korans, fighting amongst themselves to be the first one on their block to own a copy.

Said one unidentified rioter, "Only twenty bucks for an excuse to riot AND I get to blame the infidels for causing it? Hell, I'm gonna sell my wife and buy a CASE of these things! I love it! ULULULULULULULULU!!!"

Comments (7)

June 03, 2005

What IS Glenn Reynolds Eating?

Posted by Harvey at 03:04 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

So I'm paging through Instapundit recently, and I see a picture of him eating "strawberry pie".

And I'm thinking to myself... wait... pie isn't part of Evil Glenn's regular diet

So I gave the picture a thorough checking out and noticed that he'd photoshopped it a bit. Without his editing, it looks like this:

Which just looks... odd.

So I zoomed in, cleaned it up, and here's a tight shot of that pie (in the extended entry)...

Read More »

---

HE'S EATING FREAKIN' SHRUNKEN-PUPPY-HEAD PIE!

Should've known he wouldn't be satisfied with shakes forever.

Just another reason:

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

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Comments (10)

June 01, 2005

A Get Well Card For Zarqawi

Posted by Harvey at 08:21 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Terrorist scumbag Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was recently wounded and his supporters have been asking for people to pray for him.

Being "none of the above" religion-wise, I can't do that, lest I be struck by lightning. But I figure the least I can do is send him a nice get-well card, like the one I put in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Al-Zarqawi, I'm so sad. Hearing that you feel so bad. Limping, hobbling, gimpy, weak, Looking like a circus freak

Broken bones and bloody skin
(Trying hard, here, not to grin)
Bet it hurts - all ouchy sore.
I only wish that you had... more...

A fractured wrist, a punctured spleen,
A left arm rotting with gangrene,
Lemon juice in a paper cut,
A gopher chewing on your butt,

Mites and ticks and lice and fleas,
Underwear all filled with bees,
Scalp a-crawl with fire ants,
Spiders creeping up your pants,

Dysentary, hoof-and-mouth,
Itchy places north and south,
Herpes sores, appendicitis,
Colo-rectal meningitis,

Kidney stones and heart disease,
Bloody noses when you sneeze,
Eczema and ear infections,
Viagra-proof lack of erections,

Heat-stroke, pimples, chicken pox,
Ben-Gay slathered in your jocks,
Diarrhea, whooping cough,
Syphilitic nose-fall-off,

Swine flu, bird flu, Asian, too,
Mad cow brain and bad Fugu
Poison oak, verruca virus,
Diabetes, hepatitis,

Hemorrhoids, trench mouth, scurvy, gout,
Makes me want to laugh and shout.
AIDS, Ebola, tumors, cancer,
On your grave I'll be a dancer.

Die Screaming, You Bastard.

Love,
Harvey

---

It ain't exactly Hallmark, but then again, Zarqawi ain't exactly a human being, either.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

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Comments (11)

May 30, 2005

New Blog Carnival Showcase #14

Posted by Harvey at 02:30 PM | Email This

Unlike certain blogs which are mere fat-headed collections of B-list, pseudo-celeb, talentless hackery, IMAO actually cares about the struggling lesser-known lights of the blogosphere. And unlike certain puppy-blending blogospheric overlords who let incontinent cows do the bulk of their blogging, IMAO occasionally links someone besides Ann freakin' Althouse.

To prove that this is so, IMAO is hosting this week's edition of The New Blog Showcase Carnival - a round-up of self-submitted posts from bloggers who've been in the game for 3 months or less. So let's welcome these new kids to our little corner of the 'sphere by making fun of their raggedy clothing and funny accents... (continued in the extended entry)

Read More »

---

In "Tom Delay v Ronnie Earle", ConspiracySquirrels.com shows that the case against Tom DeLay has its roots in Texas as partisan political payback for the 2003 redistricting scrum. Seems Travis County District Attorney Ronnie Earle is actually a Kool-aid-drinking Democratic pocket-watch who makes Dan Rather look like Frank J.

Vryce of Postcards From Metro Suburbia lets it be known in "Open letter to the elderly couple driving in front of me today" that the only thing worse than listening to an old person rambling on about the "good old days" is being stuck behind a wheezing geezer in traffic while he tries desperately to remember what all those funny little levers & pedals are for.

By the way, Vryce, your grandpa read this and cut you out of his will. Guess you'll have to get your walking bird & belt-onion somewhere else.

NOTR of ROFASix predicts in "Airline Security - Do you really need to get naked before you board that aircraft?" that thanks to new X-ray imaging technology, you can expect to see celebrity naked X-ray pictures on the cover of the National Enquirer. Beware the Michael Moore issue! [CAUTION: there's a sample naked X-ray picture in this post. Exercise discretion if surfing from work].

Shamalama of Common Folk Using Common Sense points out in "The Evils of Phil A. Buster, Part Three" that if the Democrats want to control who gets appointed as a judge, maybe they should try winning some elections instead being a bunch of whiny jackaninnies threatening to filibuster every damn nomination that comes down the pike.

Or they can just wait for the Republicans to roll over & surrender their power, which seems to work even better.

The Prisoner of Your Village Voice contends in "The Article Heard 'Round the World" that the "conservative magazine" Newsweek's publishing an article on Koran-flushing was NOT the cause of riots that left 15 people dead. This entry is either brilliantly understated satire or... an interesting opinion. I'm not sure which.

The MaryHunter of TMH's Bacon Bits says in "Misinformation Overload: Adult Stem Cell vs. Embryonic Stem Cell Research" that, when choosing between Adult and Embryonic stem cells, the best choice is to pick your nose instead of listening to the MSM hype. This is a fair and balanced article, guaranteed to annoy people on both sides of the issue.

Crazy Like a Fox of The Smirk writes "Lesbians And The Bugman" as a reminder to husbands everywhere that - although the cabinet under the sink is handy place for... um... photograph-oriented adult literature - you might want to consider a location with a lower noticability factor.

Bob of Either Orr tells a tale in "Why it matters" of the sweet, schadenfreude-y goodness of watching corrupt government officials having their dirty deeds come back to bite their sleazy hinders.

Finally, Pamela of Atlas Shrugs posts "A REAL New York Moment: Saddam's Skivvies" which has a pictoral guide from the New York Post of various undergarments that Saddam should consider as a replacement for his blighty-whities. Highly recommended.

---

Next week's Showcase will be held at Common Sense Run Wild. If your blog is 3 months old or less, submit your best post to showcase.carnival-at-gmail.com for posting in the next Monday's round-up. See the Showcase home page for details, and remember - you can use Ferdy's extremely convenient All-Purpose Carnival Submission Form to submit your entry information.

Also, Showcase is looking for hosts for future carnivals. See the Showcase Main Post for open dates.

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May 27, 2005

Glenn Reynolds Interview: Overcoming Writer's Block

Posted by Harvey at 10:53 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

You ever have one of those days where you can't think of a damn thing to write? Sure! We all do! Just look at IMAO on any given weekend.

But does it HAVE to be this way?

Glenn Reynolds posts at least 666 times a day, so I figured if anyone would know how to defeat writer's block it would be Glenn. I arranged an interview with him recently where we discussed the subject. The transcript is in the extended entry.

---

Read More »

HARV: So, Glenn, how DOES one overcome writer's block? Is it done - as you seem to do - by picking single-word commentary at random off a list of meaningless interjections, or is there something else to it?

GLENN: Actually, the key to overcoming writers block is mental stimulation

HARV: You mean like the energy you get from chugging a Chihuahua?

GLENN: No, no... puppy shakes are more of a physical stimulant. They're great if you need a little extra UMPH! for doing some high-kick spin-move while Robot Dancing, or if you're planning on smacking Frank J. around like a hooker who's skimming her trick money, but writer's block is more of a mental problem. It means something's not right in your brain, and it needs correcting.

HARV: Personally, I've always thought that about lawyers. So what IS a good mental stimulant?

GLENN: Well, writer's block is a VERY stubborn thing. You have to tap into the most primal of emotions to find the energy to break through. Fear, anger, hatred...

HARV: Are we talking about writing or becoming a Sith Lord?

GLENN: Ya know, if Lucas would've tapped the Dark Side a little more, we could've avoided Jar-Jar entirely. But the point is that stimulating these emotions causes a strong wave of mental force... it acts like a battering ram, and it smashes clean through writer's block.

HARV: Sorta like when Howard Dean hugged his inner idiot really hard and let his primal scream smash clean through his wall of restraint, dignity, and voter-appeal?

GLENN: Exactly... Here's one of my favorite block-busters.

HARV: Glenn... this is just a lame-ass car commercial... this SUCKS!... if I wanted to watch a car commercial, I'd watch that thing with Paris Hilton wearing a teddy while washing a car and eating a hamburger. At least SOMETHING would get stimulated...

GLENN: Patience...

HARV: ... or are you trying to tell me that boredom can help you break... AAAAAAAH! ZOMBIE! OH GOD! OH CRAP!

GLENN: Heh. Indeed. Stimulated yet?

HARV: If by stimulated you mean "wet my pants", then - yes. You bastard! Why didn't you tell me a zombie jumps up at the end? What kind of sick, twisted, sadistic monster ARE you?

GLENN: Lawyer.

HARV: Touché... But you know...I... I do feel like writing something...

GLENN: Oh?

HARV: Hmmmm... Heh... Indeed...

GLENN: Yes, my young apprentice... your journey to the Dark Side is now complete... Arise... Darth... Harvader.

HARVADER: INDEED... WHAT IS THY BIDDING, MY MASTER?

GLENN: You are to find Frank J. and punch him until he cries like a little girl. Shouldn't take more than one hit to the shoulder.

HARVADER: HEH... AS YOU WISH... [picks up Glenn and prepares to throw him down an air shaft]

GLENN: Wait! What are you doing!

HARVADER: YOUR POWERS ARE WEAK OLD MAN. NOW *I* AM THE MASTER. [throws Glenn]

GLENN: Nooooooooooooooo! [falls out of sight]

HARV: Heh. Sucker. Instapundo Delenda Est!

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May 26, 2005

Zarqawi Signs Form 180 - Releases Military Records

Posted by Harvey at 07:53 AM | Email This

At an awards ceremony in Baghdad today, wounded terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi accepted his third Purple Heart from Al Qaeda and announced that had signed form 180, releasing his military records for public inspection.

"Unlike certain American infidel politicians, I have nothing to hide from my people," said Zarqawi, "except perhaps the occasional roadside explosive device."

Iraqi's new President, however, was dubious. "I question the timing of this," said Iraqi President Jalal Talabani. "He could have just as easily released his records during the invasion and quelled the rumors that the wound which earned him his second Purple Heart was sustained while attempting to mate with a goat."

Zarqawi insisted that he earned the disputed Purple Heart in the line of duty. "I did NOT have sexual relations with that goat, Fatima!" said Zarqawi. "I was merely trying to subdue an American spy for the glory of Allah!"

"Besides," added Zarqawi, "it was purely consensual! You can ask Osama! He was there!"

Zarqawi's Commander-in-Chief, Osama Bin Laden, could not be reached for comment as he is presently in hiding, cleverly disguised as a bloody stain on the walls of a Tora Bora cave.

Comments (11)

May 24, 2005

Payback for Newsweek

Posted by Harvey at 08:12 AM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
So, Newsweek thinks they can tell lies about the troops flushing the Koran and get off the hook with a half-hearted apology.

Bah!

I got news for "journalist" Michael Isikoff & his crew: you mess with the pajamas, you're gonna feel the flannel. But I suppose there are... "consequences" that might appease the blogosphere's wrath, as I describe in the extended entry:

Read More »

---

* Parade Michael Isikoff around in his tightie-whitie underwear - a fate befitting ALL evil men.

* Flush Newsweek down a toilet.

* OOPS! Just got a call from People for the Ethical Treatment of Toilets. Guess we can't do that one.

* Give old copies of Newsweek to the troops for target practice. Technically that's targeting journalISM, so that's ok.

* If the troops do well at that, they can graduate to targeting actual journalists.

* Newsweek reporters will only be allowed to use fat pencils and blunt-point scissors until they learn how to act like adults.

* Just like on a rear-view mirror, Newsweek should have to give warning about their distortion: "Caution: Journalists in Newsweek are untrustworthier than they appear."

* Explain to Newsweek that a Koran - which is about the size of a human head - is too big to be flushed down a toilet.

* Demonstrate this by sticking Isikoff's head in a toilet and flushing repeatedly. Yay! Swirly!

* New Fox TV show: "When Animals Attack Crappy Journalists"

* Make the Newsweek staff actually READ the Koran so that they'll understand WHY it should be flushed.

* As should ANY long, boring book, like Bill Clinton's "My Life" or Dr. Suess's "Horton Hears a Who".

* Come on, admit it - you thought Horton was WAY too preachy, too.

* Pack 'em onto the short bus & ship 'em off to Remedial Journalism School.

* Then burn down the building while they're inside.

* Strict program of negative reinforcement - neglect to verify a source and get a cattle-prod in the privates - ZAP! ZAP!

* Heh. That was fun - ZZZZZAP!

* Rope, stakes, anthill, honey - some assembly required.

---

And if you don't leave a comment explaining what you want to see happen to the cast and crew of Newsweek, I guess that means the terrorists have won.

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May 20, 2005

Introduction of XM-8 Assault Rifle Shelved Due to Inability to Target Journalists

Posted by Harvey at 11:50 PM | Email This

The Army announced today that it's putting the introduction of its new XM-8 assault rifle [video] on hold because troops testing it in the field have been unable to properly target journalists with it.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was "disappointed" by the performance of the new weapon, which had been otherwise performing well. "The eXterminate the Media v.8.0 rifle was designed specifically for slaughtering reporters in Iraq. We'd been having problems with journalists pointing out the exact locations of American forces to terrorists so that they could get Pulitzer-caliber photos, and the preferred technique of strangling them wasn't taking the bastards out fast enough. The hope was that we could put into each soldier's hands the ability to kill these traitorous newsmonkeys at will."

Unfortunately, the poorly-designed targeting system of the XM-8 let far too many journalists escape unharmed. "According to that stupid tw... uh... twit... Linda Foley," continued Rumsfeld, "American Forces have only been able to eliminate 63 journalists, despite being trained from boot camp to double-tap anyone carrying a notepad or a video camera. Somehow the shots from the XM-8 always seem to hit to the left of the target. I suspect the DNC in general and Howard Dean in particular are behind this."

When asked about the future of the XM-8, Secretary Rumsfeld was non-committal, yet optimistic. "I'm pretty sure we can fix this problem," said Rumsfeld, donning a pair of black leather gloves, "by strangling Howard Dean. Now get the hell out of my way! This interview is over!"

DNC Chair Howard Dean was quick to deny allegations. In a recent press conference, he was quoted as saying, "They're killing journalists in Fallujah! and Baghdad! and Mosul! and the Sunni Triangle!...YEEEEEAAAAAARR... *GAK!*... *GRK!*... *ACK!*... HELP!... *gurgle*... *THUD!*

In other news... in Washington D.C. today, the hunt for the Rumsfeld Strangler continues. The latest victim was journalist Linda Foley, who was found mysteriously murdered next to a note reading, "I, Donald Rumsfeld, strangled this twit."

D.C. Police Detective Ian Competent reported that police are currently baffled, yet hopeful of getting a break in the case at any moment.

Comments (13)

To Arianna, With Love... Evil Glenn

Posted by Harvey at 10:20 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Odd little post at Instapundit today. Ya know, I was expecting Evil Glenn to be thoroughly upset by Arianna Huffington's upstart blog "The Huffington Post". I mean, you KNOW how he hates having anyone threaten his tyrannical rule of the blogosphere. However, I was surprised to discover that he's actually quite supportive of her efforts. In fact, he's even helped her out by ghost-writing her "Author's Bio" for her. I copied his efforts verbatim, and they're in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

Arianna Huffington was born Arianna Stassinopoulos in Greece in 1950, the result of a failed gene-splicing experiment between a Shetland pony and a gyro. She moved to England at the tender age of 16, attending Cambridge University where she was president of the Tea Time Crumpet-Crunchers Society and graduated with a MA in Economics in 1972. Her classmates voted her both "Stuffiest Bint" and "Most Likely to Marry for Money".

After graduation, she shacked up with noted British politician Tarquin Fintimlimbimlimbimwhimbimlin Bus Stop Ftang Ftang Olay Biscuit Barrel (Silly Party). However, dreading the thought of acquiring a last name even more unspellable than "Stassinopoulos", she refused to marry him. She settled instead for draining his bank accounts to satisfy her hair-spray-inhaling addiction, and spending his last few Pounds on a plane ticket to America. There she hoped to whore herself to a new sugardaddy before her looks could dry up.

Like a cash-sucking remora, Arianna clamped onto money-shark Michael Huffington, taking his name in 1986 and the bulk of his fortune in the years following. In 1994, she conned Mike into giving her $30 million to "run his Senate campaign". And run it she did... into the ground. She spent not a single penny toward "get out the vote" efforts, instead squandering it on repeated - and increasingly hopeless - facelifts, 24-karat pedicures, and her now 5-can-a-day hairspray habit. This last giving new meaning to her nickname of "Huffy".

She went on to write several terrible books, none of which bear mentioning other than to note that they all set records for the speed with which they hit the bargain bin.

In 2003, she entered the California Governor's race, only to pull out shortly afterwards, due to the fact that - as election day neared - she was merely a statistical blip on the polls, 50 points behind frontrunner Arnold Schwarzeneggar, and a shocking 5 points behind even Slinky the Wonder Ferret.

Meanwhile, sales of Aqua-Net in California quadrupled, seemingly overnight.

Arianna's latest project is to collect cat-blogging stories from washed-up B-list celebrities and hack columnists. Currently her traffic stats are plummeting faster than Wile E. Coyote stepping off an Arizona mesa while holding an anvil.

This crushing defeat to her monstrous ego has led to increasing suspicions that she's moved past the gateway drug of hairspray. This video clearly... ok, NOT so clearly... shows her attending a recently held kitten-snorting party in a sleazy hotel for transients in East L.A.

Will she seek the help she so desperately needs, or will she descend into the depravity of puppy-blending? Keep checking The Huffington Post for the answer.

Or possibly the Betty Ford Center.

---

Damn... I wish Glenn were as supportive of MY blogging efforts. The only nice thing he's ever done for ME is call me "chaff".

[Hat tip to Physics Geek for finding the video]

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May 18, 2005

America's New China Policy

Posted by Harvey at 08:48 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Communist China hasn't been a very good friend to us lately, what with their not helping us keep North Korea in line, blocking Security Council Appointments in the UN, and declaring war on innocent bloggers, so it's time for America to re-evaluate the relationship.

But before any firm policy decisions are made, it's necessary to understand who we're dealing with. To that end, I've assigned a Newsweek reporter to gather all the information he could about this inscrutable nation. Based on his report, I present (in the extended entry) these

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT CHINA

Read More »

---

Although only a medium-sized country, China has the largest population of any nation on earth except for downtown Chicago during the morning rush hour.

Given it's strategic location in Southeast Asia, it's not surprising that many nations have tried to invade and conquer China in the last few millenia. Fearing such attacks, one of its earliest Emperors protected the nation by surrounding it with the Great Minefield of China.

Sadly, gunpowder handn't been invented yet, so none of the mines worked and China quickly fell under the onslaught of the Mongol hordes.

Ice cream was invented around 2000 BC in China by Hong Jiang Baskin-Robbins.

Also around 2000 BC, The Great Wall of China was built by the Mongols to keep other nations from invading China and stealing their sweet, sweet ice cream.

The Chinese calendar goes in a 12-year cycle with each year represented by a different animal. Travellers from Europe tried to get them to name the years after the constellations of the zodiac, but the Chinese weren't stupid enough to believe that the stars in the sky actually formed any recognizable images.

"No, really! That's a kneeling chick emptying out a pitcher of water!"
"Stupid round-eye! You crazy in head! I feed you to Mongol horde now!"

Chinese silk is made by "silkworms" who work in filthy sweatshops, unprotected by decent labor laws.

Where are those whiny "living wage" hippies on THAT issue? Huh? HUH?

Stupid hippies. Hope the Mongols eat them.

The Chinese language has over 40,000 written characters, all of which look like someone just dropped a handful of dry spagetti noodles.

Red is considered the color of good luck in China, which is sort of ironic considering how bad that whole "living under a commie dictatorship" thing is going for most people over there.

The Great Wall of China is the only "man-made" object visible from the moon.

Michael Moore's big fat ass can also be seen from the moon, but technically that was "Twinkie-made", so it doesn't count.

Chinese students must go to school for 20 years without a single day off, doing nothing but practicing that freaky spaghetti-writing of theirs.

Hey China-dudes! Wanna buy a 26-letter alphabet? Put the smack-dab on North Korea for us and we'll talk...

The climate in China is completely unpredictable and frequently swings without warning between the extremes of pleasant warmth and bitter chill several times during a single day.

On a completely unrelated topic, the Chinese symbols for "Mother Nature" and "PMS" are all but identical.

---

That's all I've got right now, although I imagine I'll feel an urge to write more on this topic an hour after I post this.

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Comments (9)

May 17, 2005

Newsweek Reports Star Wars Episode III Script Flushed Down Toilet - Widespread Riots Ensue

Posted by Harvey at 08:07 AM | Email This

According to perfectly reliable news magazine Newsweek's anonymous source, pathetic basement-dwelling geeks around the world are pouring into the streets to protest the deliberate flushing of a Star Wars Episode III script.

One geeky loser was quoted as saying "To desecrate one copy of the Sacred Script is to desecrate the entire Star Wars mythos! They will pay with blood"

Other nerds expressed their outrage by rioting at a nearby Star Trek convention, shouting such slogans as "Star Wars is the one true Space Saga!", "There is no Star but Star Wars!", "Death to Federation Infidels", and "Jedi Akbar!" while pummeling helpless Trekkies with plastic light sabers.

George Lucas, speaking from his Millenium-Falcon-shaped mansion in Beverly Hills, declared his outrage over the incident. "My wrath will descend as flame from the Heavens to smite the unbelievers! They will be made to suffer the tortures of insipid CGI characters! I will bring forth Episodes VII, VIII, and IX to roast their stomachs in Hell! "Jar-Jar Returns"! "Bride of Jar-Jar"! "Son of Jar-Jar"! There will be a Jar-Jar Holiday Special starring Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur! Yousa will worships da Jar-Jar!"

John Welch, who was accused of doing the flushing in the Newsweek article, responded with a confused look upon hearing the news. "What I said was that Episode III was a turd of a movie and OUGHT to be flushed down the toilet. Man, those dweebs can't get ANYTHING right. No wonder they've never kissed a non-inflatable girl."

Comments (31)

May 16, 2005

They Don't Make Child-proof Journalists, So You Need to Journalist-proof Your Child

Posted by Harvey at 11:33 PM | Email This

Good advice from Confederate Yankee:

Kids, remember to follow these simple rules if you find a journalist:

STOP AND DON'T TOUCH IT.
LEAVE THE AREA
TELL A RESPONSIBLE ADULT WHAT YOU FOUND

The adult should NOT touch the journalist either.

When it comes to journalists - SAFETY FIRST!

Comments (8)

Glenn Reynolds: "Putting puppies in blenders"

Posted by Harvey at 12:33 AM | Email This

Those words came out of his mouth at about the 5:22 mark in this video clip of him on CNN.

Make up your own context.

[hat tip to Jackson's Junction for the video]

Comments (9)

May 15, 2005

And I Always Thought Just Not Being American Was Enough

Posted by Harvey at 10:32 AM | Email This

Peemil of Where Are My Socks? explains the practical reason for invading Canada NOW!

Comments (10)

May 13, 2005

Evil Glenn's Farm

Posted by Harvey at 09:33 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Glenn Reynolds is pretty much burnt out on blogging. He claims that posting's been a little light lately because relatives are in town, but *I* know the truth - he's getting off the computer and back to his roots as a farmer.

Yup, bought himself 40 acres, tucked away back in a secluded Tennessee valley, and he's raising...

Well, that part's a little disturbing.

You see, Glenn has two great passions in life besides blogging. One is puppies, because - when properly blended - they give him the energy to keep blogging. The other is penguins, because they... well... let's just say they fulfill... other needs.

Being the efficient type, Glenn attempted to combine both animals. Since penguins are hard to come by in Tennessee - not being native and all - he practiced with other canine-avian hybrids to perfect his technique. Some pictures of his early work are in the extended entry...

Read More »

---

After all this practice, he was ready to start using penguins. Early results were a bit... off...

A few hard kicks to the Genentic Intermolecularizing Blendificator helped get the eyes right at least:

Heh. Silly Glenn... you need to use the puppy's SKULL as a source for your genetic material - which he figured out, eventually. Leading to the final successful creation of:

THE PUPGUIN!

Expect Glenn's blogging to become more robust in the near future.

[all pictures courtesy of HumanDescent.com]

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Comments (17)

May 11, 2005

The Iran Strategy

Posted by Harvey at 08:58 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Deep in a secret government Plotting Cave, somewhere beneath the White House, President Bush and Karl Rove map out a strategy for dealing with the increasing nuclear threat from Iran...

(see extended entry)

Read More »

---

BUSH: We could always just nuke the moon like it says on those 100% preshrunk heavyweight cotton T-shirts that Jenna & Barbara are always wearing...

ROVE: SILENCE, FOOL! Although great fun, a show of force is not the answer to this puzzle of international intrigue. Look what direct confrontation with North Korea brought us.

BUSH: A dictator with poofy hair?

ROVE: Precisely. Do you want the Ayatollah's beard to poofify?

BUSH: Isn't that a sign of the Apocalypse?

ROVE: Yes, and it's hard to steal oil during an apocalypse... all that flaming brimstone falling from the sky tends to ignite it.

BUSH: You can't put flaming oil in barrels?

ROVE: NO! Flaming oil barrels lead to rampaging giant monkeys, as foretold in the Book of Donkey Kong.

BUSH: I could send an Italian plumber to...

ROVE: SILENCE, FOOL! What we need to do is to subtly undermine Iran's repressive culture with good old-fashioned American decadence. We can start by having Hotti... er... CONDI Rice visit foreign countries dressed in spike-heeled, knee-high, black leather fetish-boots.

BUSH: Way ahead of you... and then we can send Paris Hilton over there to open a video store, and...

ROVE [cuffing Bush upside the head]: I said SUBTLE! That step comes later. You mustn't be premature.

BUSH: Ya know, Laura says that to me a lot.

ROVE: TMI, George... Now... what I'm suggesting for the next step will require that we infiltrate their supply lines in order to import carefully planted American goods into their country. Do you have any trustworthy diplomats who can speak Farsi?

BUSH: I've got a protocol 'droid who can speak Bocce...

ROVE: It'll have to do. The first thing we'll do is send over Sports Illustrated magazines with a cover article about World Cup Soccer, or whatever froo-froo sport it is that's popular over there. But the inside of the magazine will actually be the Swimsuit Issue. Reading this will make the Iranians connect sports with sex... and this will set them up for...

BUSH: Slutty cheerleaders!

ROVE: Exactly!... You grow wise in the ways of the Force, young Padawan.

BUSH: Texas has LOTS of unemployed slutty cheerleaders. We can use THEM!

ROVE: And then we can escalate to the next step...

BUSH: Paris Hilton!

ROVE [cuffing Bush again]: Control! You must learn control!

BUSH: Ya know, Laura says that...

ROVE: SILENCE!... The next step is slutty Argentinian cheerleaders.

BUSH: WOW! THAT'S not safe for work!

ROVE: Precisely. The Iranian nuclear scientists will be unable to concentrate on their work making atomic weapons. Now... as Hotti...

BUSH: Condi...

ROVE: DOCTOR Rice pointed out, you need aluminum tubes to process uranium to make a bomb. With the scientists distracted, we'll be able to substitute brass tubes for the aluminum ones.

BUSH: [pause] I don't get it.

ROVE: Our operatives will install the brass tubes from floor to ceiling, which will make them brass poles. And wherever you find brass poles, you'll find...

BUSH: STRIPPERS!... Then we send...

ROVE: Paris Hilton. Exactly.

BUSH: BRILLIANT!

ROVE: Yes. Yes it is. Now go forth and do my bidding.

BUSH: Yes, my dark master... Hey Condi! Grab your boots! You're going to Iran!...

---

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Comments (13)

Clinton Meets Sean "Puffy" Combs

Posted by Harvey at 01:13 AM | Email This

(click to enlarge)

"So, for fifty bucks you can deliver a little "brown sugar" right to my hotel room? You got a deal!

[pic stolen from Huffy's "not really a blog because it doesn't have comments"]

Comments (10)

May 10, 2005

I'd Post More Often...

Posted by Harvey at 09:16 PM | Email This

... but I've been busy tossing wads of virtual paper into a virtual trash can.

Don't go there unless you have nothing else to do today, because you're gonna be there a while.

[Hat tip to Jed of Boots & Sabers]

Comments (12)

Totally True Tidbits About The Netherlands

Posted by Harvey at 08:03 AM | Email This

George W. Bush is visiting Europe & Russia this week as part of the "See? I Told You So!" Victory Tour, although the official excuse is to mark the 60th anniversary of VE Day (or "Don't Make Us Come Over There Again Day", as it's known in the US). Naturally, Bush's visit caused thousands of smelly Euro-hippies to take to the streets in The Netherlands.

No, I've never heard of that country either.

So I did some Googling so I could present (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT THE NETHERLANDS

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---

* People who live in The Netherlands are called "Dutch", which makes about as much sense as calling peole who live in France "Great - yet humble - warriors"

* Most people refer to The Netherlands as "Holland", since having the word "The" in your country's name is, like, totally gay.

* Except for The United States of America, which is only gay along the edges.

* They added the "The" to "Netherlands" to differentiate it from all the other cheap knock-off imitation Netherlands that flooded the market after it became popular.

* Damn Chinese and their market-flooding cheap knock-offs!

* The Netherlands used to be called the The Netherregions, but people complained that it sounded too dirty.

* The Netherlands is known for its many windmills, most of which are non-poisonous.

* However, if a windmill bites you - even a non-poisonous one - your will become a lunatic donkey-riding Conquistador.

* It's legal to smoke marijuana in The Netherlands, which would explain why all the filthy Euro-hippie protesters are there in the first place.

* Experts agree that the best Tulips are grown in the Netherlands, having the highest THC content of any Tulip in the world.

* The Netherlands has no official language. It's citizens communicate with each other by hooting like excited monkeys.

* They can, however, be taught English through the judicious application of a cattle prod.

* The official currency of The Netherlands is the Euro, but with a subtle hand gesture, you can persuade most shopkeepers to accept Imperial Credits.

---

If I overlooked any important facts about the Netherlands, let me know in the comments.

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Comments (20)

May 06, 2005

Evil Glenn's Mother's Day Adventure

Posted by Harvey at 09:10 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)
(With apologies to Monty Python)

[a customer walks in the door]

Evil Glenn: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the American Flower Emporium!

Evil Glenn: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

Evil Glenn: Well, I was sitting on my throne of blackest ice, filleting a hobo, when a glance at the calendar reminded me of my matriarchal celebratory duties.

Owner: Matriarchal, sir?

Evil Glenn: Maternal.

Owner: Eh?

Evil Glenn: It's almost Mother's Day.

Owner: Ah, Mother's Day!

Evil Glenn: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little blooming flora will do the trick," so, I curtailed my homicidal activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some finely stemmed blossomry!

Owner: Come again?

Evil Glenn: I want to buy some flowers.

(...cont'd in extended entry...)

Read More »

Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

Evil Glenn: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Owner: Sorry?

Evil Glenn: Yo! He be jammin' bad, fo' shizzle!

Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?

Evil Glenn: Most certainly! Now then, some flowers please, my good man.

Owner: Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Evil Glenn: Well, eh, how about some Forget-me-nots.

Owner: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Forget-me-nots, sir.

Evil Glenn: Oh, never mind, how are you on Sunflowers?

Owner: I'm afraid we never have them at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday.

Evil Glenn: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four of your sunniest Daffodils, if you please.

Owner: Ah! They've been on order, sir, for two weeks. Were expecting them this morning.

Evil Glenn: 'T's not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Foxglove?

Owner: Sorry, sir.

Evil Glenn: Spider Orchid?

Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Evil Glenn: Ah. Lady's Slipper?

Owner: Sorry.

Evil Glenn: Lupins? Chrysanthemums?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Any Monkshood, per chance.

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Snapdragons?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Goosefoot?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Scarlet Plume?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Lily of the Valley?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Amaryllis?

Owner: (pause) No.

Evil Glenn: Blue Throatwort?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Eustoma?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Cockscomb, Gillyflower, Love-in-a-mist, Evening Primrose, Statice, Mimosa, Peony, Stonecrop, Montbretia?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Carnations, perhaps?

Owner: Ah! We have Carnations, yessir.

Evil Glenn: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,... They're a bit smelly...

Evil Glenn: Oh, I like them smelly.

Owner: Well,.. They're *very* smelly, actually, sir.

Evil Glenn: No matter. Fetch hither the brightly petalled glory! Mmmwah!

Owner: I...think they're a bit smellier than you'll like them, sir.

Evil Glenn: I don't care how f***ing smelly they are. Hand it over with all speed.

Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)

Evil Glenn: What now?

Owner: The goat's eaten them.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Has he.

Owner: She, sir.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Lavender?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Bee Balm?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Snow on the Mountain?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Painter's Pallette?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Queen Anne's Lace?

Owner: No, sir.

Evil Glenn: You...do *have* some flowers, don't you?

Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a flower shop, sir. We've got--

Evil Glenn: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Owner: Fair enough.

Evil Glenn: Uuuuuh, Sweet William.

Owner: Yes?

Evil Glenn: Ah, well, I'll have some of those!

Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. William Wensleydale, that's my name.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Sneezeweed?

Owner: Uh, not as such.

Evil Glenn: Uuh, Hyacinth?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Kansas Feather,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Lady's Mantle,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Kangaroo Paw,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: African Corn Lily,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Alpine Thistle,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Chincherinchee?

Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Aah, how about Roses?

Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Evil Glenn: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular flower in the world!

Owner: Not 'round here, sir.

Evil Glenn: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular flower 'round hyah?

Owner: Marigolds, sir.

Evil Glenn: IS it.

Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Evil Glenn: Is it.

Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Evil Glenn: I see. Uuh...Marigolds, eh?

Owner: Right, sir.

Evil Glenn: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Evil Glenn: It's not much of a flower shop, is it?

Owner: Finest in the district!

Evil Glenn: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Evil Glenn: It's certainly uncontaminated by flowers....

Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Daisies, sir.

Evil Glenn: Would it be worth it?

Owner: Could be....

Evil Glenn: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!

Owner: Told you sir....

Evil Glenn: (slowly) Have you got any Daisies?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

Owner: Yessir?

Evil Glenn: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any flowers here at all.

Owner: Yes, sir.

Evil Glenn: Really?

(pause)

Owner: No. Not really, sir.

Evil Glenn: You haven't.

Owner: No sir. Not a stem. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

Evil Glenn: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Owner: Right-Oh, sir.

(Evil Glenn takes out a gun and shoots the owner)

Evil Glenn: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

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Comments (21)

The Terrorists Aren't Even Trying Anymore

Posted by Harvey at 10:27 AM | Email This

Yesterday in New York, somebody filled two toy grenades with gunpoweder and set them off in a concrete plantholder outside the building housing the British Consulate.

Toy grenades?

What's next? Setting a Barbie doll on fire on the White House lawn? Lighting one of those "snake" things on the floor of the UN? Frying an ant with a magnifying glass in Times Square?

Oh! The Humanity!

I'm not the only one who's unimpressed, as shown by some of these quotes (margin of inaccuracy +/- CBS):

---

First, Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff has a few comments:

"They attacked a flowerpot. That's not terrorism, that's herbicide."

"I can do more damage with a cross word and a dirty look."

"Incompetent execution, no casualties, minimal damage - obviously not the work of REAL terrorists. Currently we suspect filthy hippies, possibly retarded ones."

"Did you see the tiny little chunk it knocked out of that flowerpot? Cripes, I've gotten bigger explosions from trying to light a cigarette while sitting on the john after eating too many burritos."

"That attack was so lame we're actually going to LOWER the terror threat level because of it."

"If it's true that 'you are what you attack', that means these guys are pansies."

Other reactions were similar:

Tony Blair: "NYAH! NYAH! You missed! Wankers!"

Queen Elizabeth: "England has had the entire Nazi Army breathing down her neck, and you expect us to be afraid because you blew up a Petunia? Sod off, ya bloody poofters!"

George W. Bush: "Seriously, I break s*** worse than that around the White House every day just from being a klutz."

Detective Ian Competent, Washington D.C. Police Detective: "The fact that police are completely baffled indicates to me that this is unquestionably the work of the Rumsfeld Strangler."

Glenn Reynolds: "Sorry. I was aiming for the hobo."

Michael Moore: "They were freedom fighters protesting Bush's illegal war for oil! They... OO! Twinkies!"

---

Let me know if you've heard anyone else say anything about this story.

Comments (26)

May 04, 2005

Hanoi Jane's Book Signing

Posted by Harvey at 08:45 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

A couple weeks ago, a man spit tobacco juice at Jane Fonda during a book signing. As you can imagine, I was quite upset about this, because that's really no way to treat tobacco juice.

So I was thinking... what would I like to see happen at a Jane Fonda book signing that's not quite so abusive towards spit? Since Jane made a name for herself by lying about Vietnam veterans, maybe I should go to her next book signing and sell a book containing:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT JANE FONDA

---

* Jane Fonda is the daughter of famous actor Henry Fonda, who is best known for his role in not giving Jane enough spankings as a child.

* Despite the similarity of the name, Jane Fonda is not a tasty cheese sauce for dipping pieces of bread in.

* Like the beaver, Jane Fonda must constantly gnaw down trees, lest her front teeth grow too long and puncture her lower jaw.

* There are no other beaver-related tidbits about Jane Fonda

* Don't even go there.

* Although the word "traitor" is often tossed around lightly when talking about anti-war protestors, in Jane Fonda's case, it should be hurled with great force after being written on a rock.

* In a battle between Aquaman and Jane Fonda, Aquaman would tell lies about Jane and encourage his aquatic friends to spit on her at airports.

* In the 80's, Jane Fonda produced a popular workout tape along with a best-selling diet book, "Puke Yourself Pretty".

* Jane Fonda currently lives in a small house in the woods that's made out of gingerbread, where she survives by cooking and eating lost children.

* Some people say that Jane Fonda only married Ted Turner for his money, but the truth is that she just has a thing for powerful men with cheesy moustaches.

* This may explain all those "secret admirer" notes that John Bolton's been getting lately.

* In 1990, Jane Fonda retired from movie-making because she was weary of assuming human form in public.

* She had modest success writing children's books such as "Green Eggs and Communism" and "Horton Hears a Mao".

* Her groundbreaking work for the advancement of feminism includes being the only woman ever to win a John Kerry Look-Alike award.

* Jane Fonda is the owner of Fonda Farms, a California ranch that raises deformed frogs which are planted in swamps across the country so that crazed hippies can claim Bush's environmental policies are destroying the planet.

* Jane Fonda's current horrific appearance is NOT the result of botched plastic surgery, but rather it was caused by being dropped into a vat of chemicals by Batman.

* During the last election, Jane Fonda missed becoming Pope by 3 votes.

* Apparently some of the Cardinals hated Barbarella because it didn't feature enough pointy hats.

* Other Cardinals were more appreciative of what pointiness it DID offer.

* When listening to a Jane Fonda political speech, do not attempt make sense out of anything she says or operate heavy equipment.

* When carefully considering their respective life stories, it becomes obvious that Jane Fonda is actually the Bizarro World version of Arnold Schwarzeneggar.

---

If there's anything else that belongs in my upcoming best-selling novel "Jane's World", let me know in the comments.

Comments (12)

May 03, 2005

'Runaway Missile' Discovered Safe in Sea of Japan

Posted by Harvey at 01:35 AM | Email This

North Korea intended to hold a gala celebration for the marriage of a missile to a nuclear warhead, with over 600 guests, and 14 attendants each for the missile and the warhead, but something was missing: the missile.

"Nobody knew what happened," said North Korean President Kim Jong Il, "we were hoping to combine these two in a holy union that would strike fear in the hearts of warmongering capitalist pigs, but the missile was nowhere to be found on the big day."

For four days, frantic North Koreans searched for their beloved atomic payload delivery system. The dragnet extended as far as Pyong Vegas and even Changuquerque, but to no avail.

"I feared the worst," said Il, "I kept thinking - maybe Americans try to cut my precious missile into scrap and use her to pimp their rides. Damn crazy Americans always pimping their rides".

Il's worst fears seemed confirmed when the missile sent a homing beacon indicating that she'd been kidnapped by Jesse James who planned to use her propulsion system to modify his Harley.

Upon further investigation, however, it turned out to be just a case of anxiety, as the missle thought her launch vehicle made her look fat.

Although slightly embarrassed, the jilted nuclear warhead still claimed to be in love and would like to go through with the marriage at a later date. "I still love her. I want to be with her. I want to blow up dirty Yankee round-eyes with her."

An embarrassed missle hides under a towel as she returns to her home and fiancee in North Korea.

Comments (6)

April 29, 2005

Questions for Glenn Reynolds

Posted by Harvey at 10:44 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

The vile and despicable puppy-blender will be attending the BlogNashville wing-ding next weekend. Sadly, I will be unable to attend due to outstanding warrants in Tennessee (hey... she LOOKED 18). However, if I'd been able to make it, and if I'd been able to get some face-time with that over-rated ambulance-chaser, I'd have had a few questions for him, which I'll list in the extended entry

Read More »

---

* You post on Instapundit hundreds of times an hour. Do you do EVERYTHING that quickly? How does your wife feel about that? Is that how you got the name "Instapundit"?

* In a battle between you and Aquaman, who would win?

* Your logo is a broadcast tower. Is it true that it used to be a flag at half-mast before you discovered Viagra?

* Boxers or briefs?

* Oster or Waring?

* Which came first - you or the aluminum foil?

* Are you actually a cartoon character? I mean, we've never actually SEEN you and Homer Simpson together at the same time.

* Why doesn't your FAQ page mention your numerous connections to organizations known to support the monkey menace that threatens all human life?

* In your about me picture, you have your hands in your pockets. Do you have six fingers on your right hand, and how much will you pay me not to mention this to Inigo Montoya?

* Do you ever regret blogging about your obsession with gay penguin voyeurism?

* You recently said, "If a coyote eats one of my cats, I intend to make a coyote rug." Do they MAKE blenders that big?

* Will you be merging your blog with Andrew Sullivan's after the wedding?

* Don't you think it's somewhat blasphemous that your hat is both taller and pointier than the Pope's?

* When the Berlin Wall came down, is it true that you used a piece of it to bash in a hobo's skull?

* Did you trade nuclear weapons secrets to the North Koreans in exchange for a truckload of puppies?

* Why, oh WHY did you corrupt that cool Geiko gecko with your foul Robot Dancing?

* Are you involved in Boston's recent rash of puppy kidnappings?

* You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

* There has been a dramatic rise in obesity among children under the age of 11. Are your PupGurt Brand Yogurt Smoothies to blame for this?

* One of your favorite words is "Indeed", which you always start with a capital "I". Is this also Viagra-related?

---

Of course, all I really want to ask him is...

WHY WON'T YOU LINK TO ME? HUH? WHY? WHY? WHYYYYYYYY?????

I have a feeling that's going to be the most popular question at the conference.

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Comments (3)

Crappy Birthday, Saddam

Posted by Harvey at 08:29 AM | Email This

The boys over at Cox & Forkum remind us that yesterday was Saddam Hussein's 68th birthday. I should have gotten him something, but I had trouble deciding:

* Jalepeno underwear

* Razor blade mattress

* Bandsaw eyebrow plucking

* Plastic shredder shoes

* Cheese grater manicure

* Columbian necktie

* Hot wax eyedrops

* Rabid weasel bath

* Ben Gay Q-tip ear cleaning

* Anthrax omelette

* Tarantula enema

Got any suggestions?

Comments (41)

April 27, 2005

New Weapons for the Troops

Posted by Harvey at 08:53 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

The best part about starting unprovoked wars of aggression in the Middle East - besides getting to steal all that sweet, sweet oil - is that is leads to the development of fun new weaponry. For example, the enchanting and addictive new XM8 Assault Rifle (see the video here, featuring R. Lee Ermey).

Using my secret Pentagon connections, I've discovered more cool things we can expect to see in the near future, and I've listed them in the extended entry:

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* The Ray Ray - Blinds the enemy, but gives him song-writing and piano-playing talents as compensation.

* Cat Gas - Incapacitates the enemy by making him cough up hairballs and lick his own butt.

* Field Activated Repulsing Traumatizer - the acronym says it all

* F-bomb - Turns even battle-hardened troops into sniveling Frenchman.

* Works best in conjunction with the White Flag Bomb.

* Model JFK04 Magic CIA Hat of +3 Healing - Turns mortal wounds into non-life-threatening, Band-aidable scratches. Good for up to three uses.

* Twinkie Armor - The golden sponge cake treat is impervious to heat, cold, radiation and bullets. "Silly terrorist! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!"

* Mecha-Streisand - Self-explanatory.

* Sonic Sanity Snapper - Melt terrorist brains with seven sinister song settings: Hamster, Llama, Schnappi, Hung, Numa Numa, Badger, and Petting Zoo.

* WARNING! Petting Zoo is not safe for work and it's use may constitute a violation of the Geneva Convention. Consult an International Law expert before using this setting outside of Abu Ghraib.

* Ballistic Ultralight Lethal Lead Energy Transmitter System - Utilizing the latest in kinetic projectile physics technology, even a single one of these babies is capable of re-arranging a terrorist's innards at distances of up to 1000 yards. These are currently being field tested and are expected to replace the Soggy Paper Impulse Targeted Ballistic Attack Loogey Launching System by as early as 2008.

* WTF Bomb - Propaganda leaflets covered with Democratic Underground posts will make the enemy think he's won the war so he'll quit and go home.

* American Flag - Releases up to 10 megatons of Freedom and Democracy when attached to the side of a 10 megaton nuclear warhead.

* Sorry... NUCULAR warhead.

---

I'll post more insider info as I get it, assuming they don't kill me first for knowing too much.

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Comments (9)

April 26, 2005

Totally True Tidbits About Saudi Arabia

Posted by Harvey at 07:52 AM | Email This

President Bush met with Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia in Texas yesterday where they discussed important things like the price of oil and how Saudi Arabia might become our newest nuclear weapons testing ground if they don't get on board the anti-terror train in a big hurry.

WOOOOOO! WOOOOOO!

But the sad fact is that most Americans don't really know all that much about our partner in the Middle East. Except that they're only a "partner" in the sense that - in the war on terror - they provide the terrorists and we provide the kill'n. So to make us all a little wiser, I Googled my little heart out and present (in the extended entry) the following

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT SAUDI ARABIA

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* Saudi Arabia is named after an Arabic phrase meaning "Land of Kitty Litter".

* The government of Saudi Arabia is comprised of a ruling council of 12 of the countries oldest and wisest camels.

* Saudi Arabia contains the Muslim Holy Cities of Mecca and Medina, which - roughly translated from Arabic - mean something like "Disney Land" and "Disney World", respectively.

* Saudi Arabia is bordered on the West by the Red Sea, which is called that because it's where commies go to die.

* When Ted Kennedy books a flight for Saudi Arabia, you'll know his time draws nigh.

* Men in Saudi Arabia wear a white cloth on their heads called a Ghutra. Although some claim to wear it for religious reasons, mostly it's because America has refused to share advanced baseball cap technology with the Saudis.

* There is very little water in Saudi Arabia, so if you see an Arab, shoot him, lest he steal your bottle of Aquafina.

* All muslims are expected to make a pilgrimmage to Mecca at some point in their lives, just as all Japanese must go to Disney Land.

* The main source of revenue in Saudi Arabia is selling bottles of stolen Aquafina to thirsty pilgrims.

* It is against the law for a Saudi man to mate with a camel. Unless his wife has a headache. Which is why Saudi men usually have enough wives to make sure that at least one of them has a headache at all times.

* The Saudis consider dogs to be despicable, unclean animals because they sniff each other's butts. Truth is, a dog's butt smells better than your average Saudi.

* Hey, you can only do so much bathing with one bottle of Aquafina.

* Saudi Arabia was originally populated by wandering tribes of nomadic, wise-cracking rabbits who should've taken a left at Albuquerque.

* A Saudi's weapon of choice is a huge, curved sword called a scimitar. Yeah, they're compensating for something.

* In a battle between Aquaman and Saudi Arabia, Aquaman would be eaten by a carnivorous sand dune, just like in Aladdin.

* Most terrorists come from Saudi Arabia, probably because sand gets in their underwear and makes them irritable.

* Arabs wear loose, flowing robes to help shield them from the desert heat and to hide the water-retaining humps on their backs.

* Arab culture is quite primitive by American standards. Some areas of Saudi Arabia don't even have the SpongeBob movie yet!

* If an Arab threatens you with his scimitar, just shoot him. They don't have "Raiders of the Lost Ark" yet, either.

* Arabs are a protected species, having been hunted nearly to extinction by Giant Sandworms and angry Jews.

* Saudi Arabia has lots of oil, but we can't steal it unless they're not watching us...

* Quick! Look behind you! An angry Jew!

* The easiest way to offend someone in Saudi Arabia is to say that their mother smells like goat. It's probably true, but they just don't like hearing it.

---

50 IMAO points to the first person to cause an international incident by using that last bit of advice.

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April 25, 2005

I Am One Super-Tolerant Mofo!

Posted by Harvey at 01:00 AM | Email This

For various non-interesting reasons, I stumbled across Tolerance.org. These folks are cutting-edge PC thought police. Here's a selected quote that makes me giggle (especially the phrase I underlined):

As this guide shows, American English frequently both reflects and reinforces systems of oppression in U.S. society.

For example, a newspaper report describes a local event: "Over a thousand people attended with their wives and children." How does the statement relate to sexism and ageism? What does the statement communicate about who is a person and who is not?

"Bark, Bark" said the moonbat (I'm sorry, that's probably specieist).

Anyway, clicking around I found out that I'm actually a tolerant and diverse kinda guy. They have this list under the 101 Tools for Tolerance section - 20 Ideas for Yourself, and it looks like I'm way ahead of the game. In the extended entry, I've rated my performance in therse areas:

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1. Attend a play, listen to music or go to a dance performance by artists whose race or ethnicity is different from your own. "Purple haze, all in my brain!" Go, Jimi, go!

2. Volunteer at a local social services organization.
I gave some potato chips to a squirrel, which I believe qualifies as "feeding the homeless"

3. Attend services at a variety of churches, synagogues, mosques and temples to learn about different faiths.
I went to a bar that didn't serve Guinness, which is the alcoholic version of this activity.

4. Visit a local senior citizens center and collect oral histories. Donate large-print reading materials and books on tape. Offer to help with a craft project.
"Collect oral histories" sounds like a euphemism for something dirty, so I skipped that (married, ya know). Craftwise, I once knocked over a little kid's sand castle. Figured the emotional trauma might deepen his artistic well.

5.Shop at ethnic grocery stores and specialty markets. Get to know the owners. Ask about their family histories.
That one didn't work so well. The response was "You're gettin' kinda nosy. I'll bet you're wearin' a wire", whereupon I got the crap kicked out of me. Sheesh. Italians.

6. Participate in a diversity program.
If by "participate" you mean "sleep through", then yes.

7. Ask a person of another cultural heritage to teach you how to perform a traditional dance or cook a traditional meal.
An Australian woman once gave me a yummy cheesecake recipe, which I assume is a traditional Australian dish.

8. Learn sign language.
Hell, you're lookin' at the master. I know how to tell somebody "I can certainly understand how, given your background and education, you could hold that particular opinion, but I must respectfully disagree with your conclusion, as I believe you may have fallen prey to a common logical fallacy in this specific instance" with one finger.

9. Take a conversation course in another language that is spoken in your community.
After 5 years of marriage, I'm practically fluent in "female", although I keep the dictionary handy, just in case.

10. Teach an adult to read.
Oh, all the time. Hardly a day goes by that I don't have to teach someone that the words "Bank Hours: 9am to 5pm" means that the front door will be still be locked at 8:30am regardless of how much you tug on the door handle or stare at your watch.

11. Speak up when you hear slurs. Let people know that bias speech is always unacceptable.
I would like to take this opportunity to point out that the word "slur" as used in this sentence is negatively biased toward musical notes which are played "legato".

12. Imagine what your life might be like if you were a person of another race, gender or sexual orientation. How might "today" have been different?
Let's see... imagine I'm a lesbian... so I'd go to bed with my wife and start... um... Hmmm... no difference, really. And Beloved Wife wouldn't notice anything, since she's usually blindfolded anyway.

13. Take the How Tolerant are You? A Test of Hidden Bias. Enlist some friends to take this "hidden bias" test with you and discuss the results.
The results show that white people such as myself are oppressing me... Damn me! Damn me all to hell!

14. Take a Civil Rights history vacation. Tour key sites and museums.
Well, I went to the Spam Museum, which is related to the First Amendment right of "Freedom of Meat"... Ok, I didn't actually STOP there, but I do have the brochure.

15. Research your family history. Share information about your heritage in talks with others.
Sweden is cold and Socialist. Grandpa left Sweden and came to Wisconsin. Which is also cold and Socialist, but they don't make you draw a line through the letter "o" here, so you save a lot of money on ink.

16. List all the stereotypes you can - positive and negative - about a particular group. Are these stereotypes reflected in your actions?
I'm sorry, please rephrase the question in the form of something not stupid.

17. Think about how you appear to others. List personality traits that are compatible with tolerance (e.g., compassion, curiosity, openness). List those that seem incompatible with tolerance (e.g., jealousy, bossiness, perfectionism).
I read this website without immediately putting the contact e-mail onto a Vi@gr@-spam mailing list. That's pretty tolerant. On the other hand, I'll probably get around to it after I post this entry.

18. Create a "diversity profile" of your friends, co-workers and acquaintances. Set the goal of expanding it by next year.
All you white people, stop linking IMAO. You're killing our quotas.

19. Sign the Declaration of Tolerance and return it to:
The National Campaign for Tolerance
400 Washington Avenue
Montgomery, AL 36104
Washington? He owned slaves! RACIST!

20. Read a book or watch a movie about another culture.
Is porn a culture?

Anyway, go check out the site. Perhaps you, too, will discover that you're more diverserrific and tolerantastic than you thought.

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Comments (10)

April 22, 2005

That's COMMISSIONER Reynolds to YOU!

Posted by Harvey at 10:25 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

After the "there's no steroids in baseball" hearings on Capitol Hill, rumor has it that Bud Selig will be getting sacked as baseball commissioner. Further rumor has it that he will be replaced by someone who has no history of messing with performance enhancers - Glenn Reynolds. If the rumors are true you can probably expect to see the following changes to Major League Baseball (listed in the extended entry):

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No more goat-related curses are to be placed on any team without prior approval from the Commissioner and Satan.

Aluminum bats will allowed, as long as they're made from recycled aluminum cans previously collected by murdered hobos.

Umpires replaced by lawyers. Disputed calls will be argued before the organ player, with the winner indicated by the playing of "Baby Elephant Walk".

If a hitter is struck with a pitch, he will be allowed to take his base and beat the pitcher with it.

Bunting will be restricted to red, white, and/or blue.

Outfielders will be allowed to use skeet guns, but only on fly balls. For grounders, they must use a niblick.

To prevent player injury, beer will only be sold in plastic bottles, and all grenades must be non-fragmentary.

All hot dogs served in Major League ballparks must contain 100% AKC-registered ingredients.

No smoking will be allowed in any ballpark. Exceptions for spontaneous human combustion will be made on a case-by-case basis.

Players will no longer be allowed to spit tobacco juice. Exceptions for spitting on Jane Fonda will be made on a case-by-case basis.

Standing during the National Anthem will NOT be mandatory, but punching those who remain seated WILL be.

Any player caught using a 6-fingered glove will be referred to Baseball's Minister of Revenge for punishment. "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You caught my line drive. Prepare to die.

Home plate will be shaped like a dodecahedron to celebrate Frank J's ascension to Overlordhood.

Instead of the home team automatically batting second during an inning, the visiting team will now have the option to Roshambo for it. (WARNING: Link contains nuts)

Players will no longer be allowed to yell, "Hey! Look behind you!" before attempting to steal a base.

If the game is tied after 9 innings of regulation play, the team's coaches may choose to decide the game with a battle of wits involving two glasses of wine and a vial of Iocaine powder.

Rule not applicable if one of the coaches is Sicilian.

Any Cubs fan who interferes with a ball in play will no longer be allowed to use the phrase "Just wait 'til next year!".

Remember, folks - ego-salving loser-whines are a privilege, not a right.

---

There's also a rumor that any player who goes out on strike will be summarily fired unless he performs the Robot Dance, but I think that only applies in Japan.

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Comments (5)

April 20, 2005

Rummy in the 'Stan

Posted by Harvey at 08:47 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Last week Donald Rumsfeld visited Afghanistan.

This week, Donald Rumsfeld met with reporters to discuss his activities there. A transcript of the press conferece follows in the extended entry.

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Rumsfeld: Good afternoon. Please excuse the fact that I'm drenched in blood from head to toe. I guess that this would be a good time to remind you guys that ettiquette requires you to knock to check if a men's room stall is empty, rather than just pushing the door open. Don't make me teach anyone else this lesson before I can get my knife re-sharpened. Meanwhile, you sissy-pants pencil-pushers can start asking me questions while I sharpen my knife...

ABC: Secretary Rumsfeld, I think you're lying about being in Afghanistan. I was there and I didn't see you. What were you REALLY doing last week?

Rumsfeld: Your wife. But after I paid her the quarter, I went to Afghanistan to do a grip & grin with the troops, and I can prove it... [holds up severed terrorist head]... [inhales deeply]... I love that smell... smells like victory, don't it boys?

NBC: Or a little like Wendy's chili... but what about reports of troops not having enough body armor? Doesn't this prove that war is wrong and that America is evil?

Rumsfeld: Well, if by "is evil" you mean "has too many skinflint, ass-weasel Democrats in office who won't pony up necessary funds for the troops", then yes. Good question. I like you. I'll kill you last.

NBC: And a follow-up question: what about reports of troops not having enough body armor?

Rumsfeld: That's the same question... You didn't even change the words around... which means that technically, it's not a follow-up, and I don't have to kill you last anymore, either. [throws knife at reporter which buries itself up to the hilt between his eyes]

NBC: But what about what about reports of troops not having enough body armor?

Rumsfeld: Didn't I just kill you?

NBC: I'm a reporter. You threw a knife into my brain. It's not like you damaged any vital organs.

Rumsfeld: You don't die easily. I like that. I'll kill you last. And I'll even answer your question. We're working on the body armor problem. Even as we speak, all your cars are being confiscated and chopped into 6-inch squares.

NBC: But body armor is made of ceramic plates, not steel.

Rumsfeld: I'm sorry, what made you think my last two sentences were connected? Next question...

CBS: Besides body armor, what else are you doing to protect the troops from the patriots opposing Bush's illegal war for oil?

Rumsfeld: Just to clarify a point, the illegal war for oil is in Iraq. The only natural resource in Afghanistan is building-rubble, but we're working to illegally steal that, too. Meanwhile, I've been instructing the troops in new close-quarter combat techniques. For example, say the enemy is approaching you with some sort of disguised weapon... say, in the shape of a piece of fresh fruit... You! Come at me with that banana!

REUTERS: Huh? OHHHH no! I've seen Monty Python.

Rumsfeld: I fail to see what "Let's Make a Deal" has to do with anything. Just come at me.

REUTERS: You'll shoot me!

Rumsfeld: I promise not to shoot you.

REUTERS: Well... ok... [waves banana feebly at Rumsfeld]

Rumsfeld: Come AT me, man! Show a little testicular fortitude!

REUTERS: Uh... Grrrr!... uh... Fear my banana of death!

Rumsfeld: ...at which point I defend myself by tearing his leg off...

REUTERS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Rumsfeld: ...and clubbing him to a bloody pulp with it. The advantages to this method are that even if some mainstream media weenie tries to squeal on you, surveys show that the general population no longer believes media reports of clubbing deaths. Next question.

MSNBC: You said "advantages"... what's the other advantage?

Rumsfeld: Free bananas... [biting into blood-spattered fruit]... Neft quefthun...

CNN: Recently there have been numerous reports of Al Jazeera reporters being strangled by someone calling himself the "Don Al Drumsfeld Strangler". Is he working for US Special Forces or is he a local muslim vigilante?

Rumsfeld: Yes, I strangled them.

CNN: Why are you avoiding the question?

Rumsfeld: I will now avoid the question by strangling you because you're stupid [nonchalantly strangles reporter]...

Rumsfeld: Anyway, back to close combat - here's another trick... if you're surrounded by the enemy, you can always throw an explosive object in their midst to kill them all... like - for example - this podium...

[hurls podium into crowd of reporters, causing them to scatter like minnows]

Rumsfeld: Now as you can see, the podium didn't explode because - as anyone who's smart enough to get into any college courses besides journalism knows - podiums aren't explosive. However, since our enemy is - just like you reporters here today - incredibly stupid, they will run away from the podium and trip the claymore mines set up around the perimeter of the room.

[series of explosions from the perimeter of the room]

Rumsfeld: Any more questions?

NBC: You... you killed EVERYBODY!

Rumsfeld: That is NOT true!... [unholsters .44 magnum] *BLAM!*... now I've killed everybody... and I told you I'd kill you last.

Rumsfeld: And that concludes this press conference... Hey, McClellan! Clean up on aisle 3! Grab the wet-vac & get to work, tubby!

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April 19, 2005

The Symbolism of Group Blogging

Posted by Harvey at 07:58 AM | Email This

Once upon a time, Frank J. had the funniest blog in the blogobuckyball.

Then he invited some other people to join him.

Harvey
RightWingDuck
Cadet Happy
Spacemonkey
Scott
SarahK
Aquaman

Seven people

Is that symbolic of the Seven Deadly Sins?

The Seven Dwarves?

The castaways on Gilligan's Island?

Something else?

And what does that make Frank J?

Discuss.

Comments (21)

April 18, 2005

New Pope: The First 100 Days

Posted by Harvey at 08:01 AM | Email This

Since the election of FDR, anyone who assumes a new office is expected to do exciting things during their first 100 days. The newly elected Pope is no exception. In the extended entry, I've placed my guesses on what the new Pope will accomplish in his first 100 days:

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* Since George W. Bush has made "cowboy" a compliment instead of a term of derision, expect the Pope to start wearing a Stetson. Possibly a pointy one

* The Pope will release a new version of the Bible to reflect more modern language usage. For example "thee" and "thou" will be replaced by "youse" and "y'all".

* Holy water will be clearly labeled "Atkins-friendly: 0 Net Carbs!"

* Also look for new "Holy Water with Lime". Perfect for Holy Margaritas

* All exorcisms will include a free "God roolz, Satan droolz" T-shirt.

* To increase its popularity, instead of Lent being a season of sacrifice where you have to give up your favorite activity, the faithful will be encouraged to instead acquire a new bad habit. YAY! Fornication!

* Catholic Bishops will be replaced by more valuable Catholic Rooks.

* Mass will no longer only be said in Latin, but will include other dead languages like Aramaic and Canadian.

* Catholic priests still won't be allowed to marry. However, they will be allowed to be incessantly nagged by nuns, which is pretty much the same thing.

* Sacramental wine will be replaced with Red Bull.

* Rosaries will now be made from yellow plastic and say "Pray Strong".

* To appease the Irish Catholics, baptisms will now be performed using Guinness Beer instead of Holy Water.

* The Kennedy family will still be allowed to use Holy Gin, though.

* Jane Fonda will be declared "official urinal target" of the Vatican.

* Curb-feelers & fuzzy dice for the Popemobile.

* Doritos Cool Ranch Eucharist.

* All confession of sins must now be sung to the tune of "Ave Maria".

* Or possibly "She Bangs".

* Cat-blogging will be declared a mortal sin.

* HA! Let's see Frank J. "Hail Mary" his way out of that one!

---

You could bet me I'm wrong on some of these, but gambling's a sin. So unless you want to end up in a fiery pit next to Frank, you'll keep your yaps shut!

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Comments (16)

April 16, 2005

Pocket Guide to the Differences Between Frank and Harvey

Posted by Harvey at 09:12 PM | Email This

In the comments to this post, loyal IMAO reader jimmyb got confused while reading one of my posts and mistakenly attributed it to Frank J. Since confused readers are like cockroaches, I have to assume that if I see one, there are thousands more hiding in the walls, just waiting to sneak into my kitchen in the middle of the night to lay their eggs in my Honey Nut Cheerios.

In order to educate these befuddled folks as a delaying tactic while I try to find that can of Raid (or hairspray and a lighter - whichever), I offer (in the extended entry) this:

POCKET GUIDE TO THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN HARVEY & FRANK

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Harvey - married for 6 years, beats his wife regularly.

Frank - not married, not sleeping with his fiancé, beats something else regularly.

Harvey - has a full beard

Frank - has two chin whiskers and arranges them in a bad comb-over - fools no one.

Harvey - spent six years in the Navy, travelling around the world and developing a love of short, brown-skinned hookers.

Frank - spent six years caged in a circus sideshow, travelling around Florida and developing an obsessive hatred of monkeys.

Harvey - works as a bank teller. Sleeps in money pajamas.

Frank - works as an engineer. Sleeps with a stuffed Dilbert doll.

Harvey - owns four cats and can't keep them from peeing on the bathmat.

Frank - owns two cats and can't keep from peeing on their heads.

Harvey - Atheist, believes God is dead.

Frank - Catholic, believes Pope is dead.

Harvey - Once voted for the Libertarian Party

Frank - Once met a librarian at a party. Or possibly a Liberian. He was really drunk at the time, so he's not sure what she said.

Harvey - Lives in Wisconsin, but left his heart in San Francisco.

Frank - Lives in Florida, but left a hippy for dead in San Francisco.

Harvey - Once tried to become a lawyer.

Frank - Once tried to bludgeon a lawyer. Or possibly a lemur. Again - really drunk at the time.

Harvey - Has a 130-pound dog that thinks he's a horse.

Frank - Has a 130-pound fiancé that thinks she's a cow.

Harvey - Can't get a concealed carry permit for his Glock, because he lives in a state run by stupid liberals.

Frank - Has a concealed carry permit and lives in a state where it's legal to shoot stupid liberals (in season, limit three per person).

Harvey - Wishes he were as funny as Frank.

Frank - Wishes he were as funny as Scrappleface.

Harvey - Drove pizza delivery in the ghetto to earn money for college. Frequently mugged by crack addicts.

Frank - Delivered crack in the ghetto to earn money for college. Frequently mugged pizza delivery drivers.

Harvey - Once told his wife "that dress makes you look fat." He apologized, but still spent a week sleeping on the couch.

Frank - Once told his fiancé "that dress makes you look fat." Spent a week apologizing to the couch

Really, REALLY drunk.

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Hope that clears things up.

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April 15, 2005

Evil Glenn's Reality TV Show

Posted by Harvey at 10:49 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

After ABC's hit reality TV show "Wife Swap" had production halted due to an incident of child abuse, the network searched around desperately for a replacement show to air.

A junior production assistant at ABC theorized that if people would tune in to watch whiny, bossy, overly-opinionated women switch households, maybe it would be just as good to use whiny, bossy, overly-opinionated computer nerds in their place. Thus was born:

BLOG SWAP!

This week: an up-and-coming humor blogger who creates his own masterfully funny stories (sorry, it's NOT Scrappleface) switches places with a stodgy, uncreative, puppy-blending lawyer who hyper-leeches off the creativity of others to maintain his oppressive grip on the throat of the blogosphere. Thinker vs. linker, vamper vs. vampire, who will make the best adjustment to their new pixel-palace? Find out the answer tonight as Frank J. of IMAO and Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit do a

BLOG SWAP!

First up (in the extended entry) - Glenn Reynolds takes the helm at IMAO. Will he be able to keep Frank's readers ROTFL? Or will this be the worst disaster since group blogging?...

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IMAO

Inaccurate. Incoherent. Indeed.

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In My World: Just Another Day at the Office

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posted by Frank G.R. at 7:52 pm

"Hmmm..." pondered President Bush, trying to decide between performing his presidential duties and playing Xbox.

"Heh." chuckled Condoleezza Rice, knowing that Bush would choose the Xbox, leaving her plans for world domination unimpeded.

"Indeed." observed Donald Rumsfeld, not giving a crap what Bush or Rice did, as long as they didn't stop him from nuking Luxembourg, which he'd just selected for elimination by flinging a spitball at a spinning globe.

UPDATE: Chomps growled at the spitball - which made him very angry - before savagely attacking both it and the globe, shredding them both to the subatomic level.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Strategy Page has video of Buck the Marine kill'n foreigners in their dirty foreigner's airplane using only a pointy stick and his own flaming ball of foreigner-kill'n rage.

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* * * * * * * *

Next... Frank J. lives the dream as he takes command of the biggest blog in the universe. Will he be able to maintain the traffic flow, or will he crash & burn like a dirty foreigner's airplane?...

* * * * * * * *

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INSTAPUNDIT.COM

If you've got a modem, I've got an arrogant opinion. Worship me!

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Aquaman has his own blog. I can't decide if that's lame or just completely gay.

posted at 08:26 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds

I just got bit by a monkey. I bit him back. Tasted like chicken.

posted at 08:30 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds

If something bites you and you bite it back, but it tastes more like hickory-smoked bacon than chicken, that's probably a pig-monkey.

UPDATE: Or possibly Michael Moore.

posted at 08:38 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds

Hippies taste like tofu and dirt.

posted at 08:50 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds

All this posting is making me hungry. I wonder if cats taste like chicken?

posted at 08:52 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds

Peace out, yo. Minerva's got a date with George Foreman.

UPDATE: Worship me!

posted at 08:59 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds

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* * * *

And now the results:

Glenn Reynolds at IMAO:

Frank J. at Instapundit:

FRANK J. WINS!

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

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Trust Me, You DON'T Want Frank J. as the Overlord of the Blogododecahedron

Posted by Harvey at 12:13 AM | Email This

I hate to seem unsupportive and/or not a team player, but I noticed a lot of people chiming in enthusiastically in favor of Frank J.'s quest to become Overlord.

The thing is, I know something you don't.

Last year, as part of a mission for the Alliance of Free Blogs to rid the world of the Evil Glenn Reynolds, I borrowed a time machine from my friend Physics Geek, and went back in time to make Glenn not evil.

That part of the mission succeeded.

However, there were... consequences.

In the end (and you can read the whole story here), I managed to undo the damage, but not before I'd glimpsed a horrifying future where Frank J. had become the blogospheric overlord. If you've got the nerve, you can face the darkness in the extended entry:

Read More »

---

Harv [stepping out of time machine]: That was remarkably simple. I should've done that a LONG time ago. Wait… I did… Heh, time travel is really confusing. Anyway, thanks for your help, Geek.

Frank G.: Geek? My name's not Geek. It's Frank G. Why did you call me that, Frank H.?

Harv: Frank H.? No, my name is Harv. Why did you call me Frank H.? Look… It says right here on my driver's license… Frank H. Olson, and… HUH?... Why the HELL is my name Frank H.?

Frank G.: Du-UH! The same reason ALL men are named Frank plus an initial. Frank J., the fearsome, despotic overlord (may his name be praised) of the United States of Frank A., has decreed that all men be named as such.

Frank H.: This is insane! Let me borrow your computer.

Frank G.: Sure. Over here.

Quickly, I Googled (actually Frankoogled) up Frank J.'s home page. It had changed a little from the way I remembered it, as it was now titled "IFAO: Unfair. Unbalanced. Unmedicated. Under my power. Unable to disobey on fear of death." As my jaw dropped and my eyes bulged, I read the first few entries with a growing mixture of disbelief and horror:

"I really hate capitalism. Fascism is much better. Mussolini rocked. Now I will dance the Macarena. HEYYYYY Macarena! Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."

"I just murdered a circus clown. You should have heard him squeal like a pig as the knife went in. Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."

"At 10pm tonight, I will go on TV before the entire nation, where you, my fearful and cowering subjects, will watch, mortified, as I drown a puppy. Bark bark, gurgle gurgle. Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."


Frank H.: Holy Hatless Hannah's Hershey Bar! WHAT HAVE I DONE? Geek… I mean Frank G…. you've got to send me back in time again! I made a terrible mistake, messing in God's domain. I HAVE put things back the way they were!

Frank G.: No problem, the transference chamber's still warm. Just step on in.

Frank H.: Good. First, though, I really think I need a beer to calm my nerves…

Frank G.: Beer? What is this... "beer"... you speak of?

Frank H.: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Quick! Push the button!

Frank G.: Don't you mean "quickly"?

Frank H.: WHAT?

Frank G.: Just because you're in a hurry doesn't mean you can't make time for proper grammar.

Frank H.: PUSH THE F****** BUTTON!

Frank G.: What's the magic word?

Frank H. [a hair's breadth from murder and enunciating between grinding incisors]: Please.

Frank G.: Much better! A polite and grammatically-correct society is a happy society. Rule #21095 of Frank J.'s Super Happy Lucky Fun Little Red Book Of How Not To Be Summarily Executed By The Secret Police. Bon Voyage, Frank H.!

---

Really, folks, think this one over.

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April 13, 2005

Al Gore's Cable Network

Posted by Harvey at 08:21 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

On August 1st of this year, former Presidential hopeless Al Gore will be launching his new cable TV network, "Current".

I read the press release to try to find out what sort of programming will be shown, but aside from a few disclaimers about being non-partisan, the actual content was only described in the vaguest of terms.

Soooooo... I did a little research and found the original video of the Al Gore news conference that Reuters quoted from. In the extended entry, I've padded out the press release with some of the omitted information:

Read More »

---

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Former Vice President Al Gore Monday unveiled his new television network, Current, which aims to attract younger viewers with its short videos and a tie-in with the popular Google Inc. search engine.

The channel will show professionally produced segments as well as viewer-produced videos mostly short in length, running from a few seconds to up to 15 minutes.

"You'll get to see professionals such as Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson, along with first time hot amatuers like Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, Lindsay Lohan, and Jennifer Aniston.

"We are about empowering this generation of young people in their 20s, the 18 to 34 population. Sure, some of these might be barely legal teens, but we'll have affadavits on file to prove that they're at least 18. We want them to engage in a "dialogue of democracy" - or otherwise use their tongues interactively - and to tell their stories about what's going in their lives using the dominant - or submissive, according to individual preference - media of our time," he said.

Viewers will also be able to vote for their favorite videos and get tutorials via the Internet on how to produce their own segments, according to network officials.

"We're starting something new and we're trying to bring about a change in the way the television medium is used," said Gore. "We know it's... *ahem* hard, but we're.... heh... excited about trying."

In addition to the videos, the new network reached a pact with the search firm to include Google's video search service that pulls up still shots from such content providers as Fox News, PBS and the NBA.

"I really like the idea of being able to find still shots," said Gore, "since I know that there are some... climactic moments... in these films that you'll want to spend some extra time looking at."

Gore, who lost the 2000 election in a bitter contest with current President Bush, seemed to have put politics behind him, insisting the channel would not be a liberal pulpit.

"We have no intention of being a Democratic channel, a liberal channel, or a TV version of Air America; that's not what we're all about," he said, referring to the liberal radio network. "I envision 'Current' as having something for everyone. A place where people can set aside their individual differences and... come together... in a spurt... spirit of bipartisanship."

Gore serves as chairman of the board of that channel.

The network said its financial backers included Rob Glaser, chief executive of RealNetworks Inc. makers of the popular internet video viewing software RealPlayer (now featuring slow-motion and frame-by-frame viewing options), and Joel Hyatt, who is chief executive of the network and built a network of legal services clinics, and who will serve as retainer for Current's affidavit files.

---

Make of that what you will. Personally, I'm kinda looking forward to August...

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April 12, 2005

Totally True Tidbits About Libraries

Posted by Harvey at 07:45 AM | Email This

April 10-16 is National Library Week, which is being celebrated across America despite the fact that it blatantly discriminates against illiterates & LiveJournal bloggers.

However, I believe that this is an important event, because without it, I wouldn't have an excuse to make up (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT LIBRARIES

Read More »

---

* In a battle between Aquaman and a library, Aquaman be brutally attacked by book after book and die from paper-cut induced blood-loss.

* Much like the internet, libraries are grand repositories of human knowlegde, except with a lot less porn.

* Library books are arranged on the shelves according to the Dewey Decimal System, which replaced the unwieldy Library of Congress classification system and which was named after Donald Duck's nephew, who invented it.

* Ironically, Dewey was illiterate.

* He was also pantsless, adding further irony, since book-reading nerds never get laid.

* Food and drink are not allowed in libraries. Intravenous drugs are fine, though.

* Although being a librarian appears - to the untrained eye - to be a very simple job, it's actually a difficult career requiring a 4-year degree in pantsless duckology.

* In order to best preserve their books, libraries must maintain a constant level of 0% humidity. This is why the most experienced librarians are always withered old crones who look like they've been in the possession of the One Ring of Power for a couple centuries.

* Your library card contains sensitive personal information that terrorists covet. If anyone tries to look at your library card, shoot them.

* If this happens inside the library, use a silencer so as to not disturb other patrons.

* Libraries carry large-print editions of books for the visually impaired. Don't read them or you'll go blind.

* You shouldn't do anything else in a library that'll make you go blind, either. Which is why libraries don't have as much porn as the internet.

* Libraries usually have one small section of books that are written in foreign languages. Since you have no way of knowing what they actually say, you should burn these in case they contain information useful to terrorists or foreigners.

* Libraries have bookmobiles which will come right to your door. This is very convenient if you need to hijack a vehicle for a multi-state crime spree.

* If you've ever wondered what it's like to be in a ticker-tape parade, you can find out by going to a library and blowing it up. WHEEEEE! Flying paper!

* Although rarely seen by non-employees, a library's basement contains non-circulating items, such as rare first-edition novels and the severed heads of people who don't return their books on time.

* Libraries also loan out video tapes, so you can avoid movie-rental fees and STILL enjoy such classics as "Gone With the Wind", "It's a Wonderful Life", and "The Tonya Harding Wedding Video".

* I never said libraries didn't have ANY porn.

---

And how will YOU be celebrating National Library Week?

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Comments (9)

Frank Needs Sensitivity Training

Posted by Harvey at 07:41 AM | Email This

As a Facially-Haired American, I find Frank J's whiskerist commentary offensive.

Comments (3)

April 11, 2005

Totally True Tidbits About The American Flag

Posted by Harvey at 08:18 AM | Email This

US forces are doing another sweep for stupid terrorists in Baghdad.

I call them "stupid" because you'd think they'd have learned by now that if you're in a place where you can see an American flag surrounded by American soldiers, you shouldn't be a terrorist there because you'll be dead soon.

I mean, isn't that one of the more obvious things represented by the American flag?

In the extended entry, there's some more

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT THE AMERICAN FLAG

---

Read More »

* American flags rarely bite unless provoked.

* Methods of provocation include poking it with a stick or being a filthy hippy.

* Each star on the American flag represents one of the 50 states, although McDonalds is eyeballing the naming rights to the one in the upper left corner

* When a patriotic American dies, the flag is lowered to half-staff. When John Kerry dies, expect to see a week of nationwide double-staffing.

* Monkeys have no flag, and must therefore be exterminated.

* Ditto terrorists.

* And the French.

* Yes, I know, TECHNICALLY they have a flag, but they only every really use the white part.

* Some people think it's unpatriotic to buy an American flag unless it's actually made in America. However it really doesn't matter where the flag is originally made, as long as it eventually flies over bullet-ridden terrorist corpses.

* Or live Frenchmen.

* Trust me, they're on the list.

* If an American Flag becomes worn or damaged, it must be disposed of respectfully by burning it in a solemn ceremony. The flag should be neatly folded, set on top of a commie, and set ablaze.

* If you don't have a commie handy, you can use a Kennedy, although these tend to be soggy and not burn well.

* It is disrespectful to wear the American flag as an article of clothing such as a shirt or a pair of pants. Thongs are ok, though.

* In a fight between an American flag and Aquaman, Aquaman would trip over his own damn feet, fall down, and smash his head open on a rock.

* Some people REALLY shouldn't try to fight on land.

* The best way to illuminate your American flag is to place a halogen light no more than 10 feet from the base of the flagpole and aim it toward the lower right corner of the blue field, although purists insist that you should use rockets' red glare.

* The original design for the American flag featured a coiled snake on a white background and the words "Don't F**k With Me!", which was later modified due to pressure from the FCC.

* The best American Flags are made from the bark of the Tree of Liberty, the roots of which must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants.

* If Michael Moore were touched by an American flag, he would immediately burst into unholy flame.

---

So... what do YOU know about the American flag?

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Comments (25)

April 08, 2005

Evil Glenn - Substitute Teacher

Posted by Harvey at 11:04 PM | Email This

Evil Glenn - Substitute Teacher
(A Filthy Lie)

8am, University of Tennessee: A thoroughly hung-over Glenn Reynolds staggers into a classroom to begin the day...

(see extended entry)

Read More »

---

GLENN: Good morning class. Your regular teacher, Ms. Biddy, looked at me like a hobo when she passed me in the hall yesterday, so I murdered her. Now, because UT professors all have a "Santa Clause" in their contracts, that means I have to teach her Women's History class today. Unfortunately, I had a few too many puppy-coladas last night, so I'm not at my peak. If you have any questions, please whisper them now and then shut the hell up... Yes... you in the "Women need men like a fish needs a bicycle" T-shirt.

FISH GIRL: Why should we listen to you? You're a man. You can't possibly have a valid opinion on anything relating to women.

GLENN: Excellent question - if a bit shrill. Truth is, I know a LOT about women, since I'm part of the dominant male hegemony & actually coined the phrase "barefoot & pregnant"... which is how every one of you bimbos in this classroom would be right now if'n I had my way! However, out of respect for the late Ms. Clinton...

FISH GIRL: You mean Ms. Biddy.

GLENN: No name calling... anyway, I'm keeping my opinions to myself today. I've gone to an objective and woman-oriented source for all the information in today's lecture - www.miss-ogyny.com - and I believe that's the same Gloria Ogyny who wrote the feminist manifesto "Apart From the Sanitation, Medicine, Education, Wine, Public Order, Irrigation, Roads, a Fresh Water System, and Public Health, What Have Men Ever Done for Us?"... Or it might be her sister... I don't know. All you broads kinda blur together after a while.... The point is, everything I'm going to teach today is at least as accurate as CBS News.

FISH GIRL: But you're a man - and therefore evil!

GLENN: A - shrill again, B - my evilness stems more from my thirst for puppy shakes than from gender issues. Besides, in preparation for today's lecture I had a bitch smoothie, so I'm as in touch with my feminine side as I'm going to get.... Now... any more questions? Preferably quiet ones...

FISH GIRL: Is this going to be on the test?

GLENN: Yes it will. And I'll be handing out a sheet with all the information from my lecture on it so you'll be able to pass the test easily. Except I'm going to flunk you out of spite because you're prettier than me, even though you ARE a hairy-legged lesbian.

Now - to the lesson: WOMEN IN HISTORY

* The first woman was Eve, who was invented by God about 6000 years ago after an incident where Adam almost drowned while trying to mate with a mermaid.

* After Eve ate the forbidden fruit, God punished her by giving her a menstrual cycle. Adam's punishment was having to put up with Eve's mood swings.

* Women spent the next 5000 years scrapbooking, and thus accomplished nothing of note, outside of occasionally being barefoot & pregnant.

* Ok, Mary's pregnancy with Jesus is worth noting, but outside of that - ZIPPO!

* More scrapbooking. Move along. Nothing to see here.

* Joan of Arc defeated the British at the Battle of Orleans, but was later put to death at the hands of Xena, Warrior Princess during a "Hot Babes in Armor" competition.

* After gaining fame from creating the first American flag, Betsy Ross opened a scrapbooking store, which gave the women something to do while their husbands won the Revolutionary war.

* In 1784, Hannah Adams became the first woman to make a living as a professional writer, with such best-sellers as "The Proper Woman's Guide to Marital Submission" and "Honey, It Wouldn't Kill Ya to Lose a Few Pounds".

* 1881 - Clara Barton founded the American Red Cross after discovering how funny it was to make her husband scream in pain while poking at his wounds.

* 1916 - Montana elected its first female US House Representative, whose first act was to propose a change to House rules allowing bills to be voted on by saying "AYE" or "NAY" instead of using belching contests.

* 1924 - Texas elected its first female Governor, whose legacy includes making "YEE-HAW!" the official State Motto, and armadillos the official State Roadkill.

* 1935 - Pearl S. Buck became the first woman to win a Nobel Prize for literature for her epic novel "Debbie Does Dallas".

* 1947 - Georgia Clark became the first female US Treasurer. She was forced to resign in disgrace a month later in the scandalous aftermath of instructing the IRS to no longer allow hookers to be deducted as a business expense - a move that nearly crippled the shakily-recovering post-war economy.

* 1981 - Sandra Day O'Connor was appointed to the US Supreme Court, thus putting an end to the Constitutional separation of Scrapbooking and State.

* Nothing but scrapbooking since then.

GLENN: Ok, that's the lesson. Any questions?

FISH GIRL: That's the most putrid, revolting pile of crap I've ever heard anyone spout!... Which is really saying something, since I used to date Andrew Dice Clay. You're a disgusting chauvanistic pig! How that hell do you sleep at night?

GLENN: Naked on a pile of money that I earned from personal injury suit contingency fees, why?

FISH GIRL: OO! MONEY! Say, how 'bout I stop by your office after class for a little... "extra credit"?

GLENN: Depends. How do you look in a latex penguin suit?

FISH GIRL: Like hot, sexy magic.

GLENN: ... WELL!... I think that should about do it for today. Just remember, girls, that the history books are still being written, and there's no reason that every one of you can't accomplish something to earn your place in them. After all, the world still awaits its first female, puppy-blending, blogospheric overlordette. Perhaps one of YOU will be the one who finally gets to say:

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

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April 06, 2005

Frank, Sarah, and the War on Terror

Posted by Harvey at 09:08 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Not too long from now, Frank J. & Sarah K. will be entangled in the chafing shackles of matrimonial bliss. After all the hectic planning of the ceremony is behind them, they'll once again be free to spend their time doing what they do best:

Fighting terrorism.

I imagine that the events I'm about to describe in the extended entry will take place within weeks of their wedding day...

Read More »

---

SARAH: frank! it's six o'clock! time for you to breast-feed sydney!

FRANK: I'm kinda busy microwaving a burrito right now. Can't YOU do it tonight? I mean... you ARE more voluminous in the milk carton department.

SARAH: ew! don't be disgusting! my breasts are a sacred gift from God, and are only to be used for feeding human babies and winning t-shirt babe contests.

FRANK: Fine. Just wait until my burrito's done.

SARAH: i. said. now! [pulls out .44 magnum Colt Anaconda and empties 6 shots into the microwave, causing a shower of glass, electrical sparks, and a strange, blue glow]

FRANK: Nice grouping, but there were only 10 seconds left.

SARAH: i'm just thinking about sydney's needs. poor thing's starving! [looks sappily at Sydney] aren't you, sweetie? [reloads]

SYDNEY: squeak! squeak!

FRANK: Well, I guess I can pick the glass out of my burrito later... by the way, Sarah, you seem to have destroyed the shielding around the microwave's radiation source with all your fancy shootin', and I think I've been exposed to a massive dose of gamma radiation, and may even now be radioactive myself... Oh well, time to feed the monkey-cat.

SYDNEY: squeak! squeak!

FRANK: Ok, Sydney, chow time...

SYDNEY: sque-mmrmf... *slurp, slurp, slurp*...purrrrrrr... *slurp, slurp, slurp*...purrrrrrr...

FRANK: Hmmmm... Sydney appears to be taking on a blue glow, just like the microwave... I hope my radioactive breast milk isn't harming her... no, that's ridiculous... cats have built-in lead shielding, don't they?

[The blue glow intensifies, then explodes in a blinding flash, sending Frank flying across the room. He recovers, looks at the top of the couch, and sees that stupid monkey-cat Sydney has been transformed into:

*cue theme music*

Breast-fed mutant ninja kitten!
Breast-fed mutant ninja kitten!
Breast-fed mutant ninja kitten!
Hero hurling hairballs... KITTEN POWER!

FRANK: Uh... hey, Sydney... ya know, I was just kidding about that whole throwing you in a bog thing...

*RING, RING*

FRANK: Hello?

JOE FOO': Hey Frank, it's your brother Joe Foo' the Marine, callling from Iraq. I've got a problem and I'm hoping you can help me out. These terrorists are getting really annoying over here. Why just the other day, one of them ran up to me and emptied an AK-47 into my chest from point blank range. Good thing I was wearing one of your Nuke the Moon T-shirts, so all the bullets were deflected. But I can't help thinking about all the good folks here who don't HAVE Nuke the Moon T-shirts. Do you have any OTHER secret weapons you can send over?

FRANK: I... think I can help... what's your mailing address again?

JOE FOO': Just write "Frank J's Brother Joe Foo' c/o the Marine Corps" on it somewhere.... Hey, I gotta run... another Asshat for Allah is opening up on my T-shirt, so I should really go snap his neck... Hurry up with that secret weapon!"

[click]

FRANK: Hmmm... ninja kitten... cardboard box... duct tape... some assembly required...

*grab*

*SQUEAK!*

*fold*

*tape*

SARAH: frank? whatcha doin'?

FRANK: Supporting the troops.

SARAH: well, i can see that, ya goofy-goof! what i mean is, aren't you going to make some air holes in that box?

FRANK: Silly girl! Everyone knows cats make their own oxygen.

SARAH: air. holes.

FRANK: Fine. *poke, poke, poke* There! Satisfied, Bossy?

SARAH: i am not a cow! waaaaaaaaah!

FRANK: I meant SNUGGLE BUNNY! Look... I'm REALLY sorry. I promise I'll make it up to you. I'll buy you flowers... or a new car... or a new car made out of flowers...

SARAH: i wish we were having sex so that i could threaten to withhold it as punishment!

FRANK: Sarah, Sarah, Sarah... we don't need to have sex... just holding you is punishment enough.

SARAH: awwwww... that's so sweet... now go mail that package to your brother, and on your way back from the Post Office, you can buy me something to appease my wrath...

[Several weeks later, the following letter arrives from Joe...]

Dear Frank,

Just wanted to thank you for that care package you sent. The tootsie rolls were a little dry and not as chocolatey as I remember them, but that Ninja Kitten came in really handy. I have a few pictures from one of Sydney's recent covert missions:

Sydney has infiltrated a terrorist hideout. Terrorists drink a LOT of bottled water.

A terrorist (apparently feeling overconfident because it was "just a kitten") attempts to use a mere 3-point palm exploding heart technique. However, his kung-fu is weak, and he brings shame upon the house of his master for being a fool.

Sydney summons all her mysterious radioactive ninja powers and...

I swear, all I did was blink, and by the time I opened my eyes again, there was nothing left of that terrorist but a scrap of denim and something that might have been a knee at one time.

That Ninja Kitten is GOOD.

Whatcha been feeding her?

Well, I gotta run. I have to take Sydney to the awards ceremony so she can receive her Congressional Medal of Honor.

Give my love to Sarah.

Your Bro,

Joe Foo'

P.S. How's Sarah enjoying that full-auto Glock you bought for her?

P.P.S. SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

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April 05, 2005

Minutemen on the Job!

Posted by Harvey at 07:54 AM | Email This

In Arizona, a group of over 400 well-armed, patriotic citizens - mostly retired men - have taken it upon themselves to patrol the Mexican border to help the Border Patrol stem the tide of illegal immigrants.

Which is fine by me.

But what if their project succeeds and the border becomes secure? What will they do then? Just go home, sit on the couch, and ogle Baywatch reruns?

'Twould be tragic.

Surely there are other projects available for a heat-packin' mob of American Patriots. Projects like the ones in the extended entry:

Read More »

---

Breast-feed kittens.

Clean out my refrigerator - assuming they're trained in proper bio-hazard disposal techniques.

Storm the DNC offices and wrap everything in aluminum foil.

While they're at the border, they can check the signal for Verizon - "¿puede usted ahora oírme?"

I hear Kamp Krusty's looking for new counselors.

Revive the XFL. Maybe having guns involved will boost the ratings this time around.

Mormon Tabernacle Choir & Gun Show.

Form a brute squad to clear the caribou out of ANWR lest they try to murder Princess Crudeoilcup on her wedding day.

Go to Yankee Stadium and stand in line for the men's bathrooms so that women will stop whining about how unfair it is that they have to wait forever to go potty.

Dress up as Indians and attend a Ward Churchill speech, where they can chant "Paleface speak with forked tongue!"

Show up at a Civil War re-enactment and help crush those rebels good & proper.

Tar & feather McCain & Feingold.

Make sure they register with the Federal Election Commission, first.

Celebrate Earth Day by scraping the filth off hippies and making Mother Earth whole again.

Go to a PeTA rally and stand around eating KFC.

Use the bones to spell out the words "People Eating Tasty Animals".

If anything ever happens to Michael Moore, they can all start eating at McDonald's every day to help soften the economic blow to the fast food industry.

Send 'em to France to make crop circles - just to screw with the Frogs' heads.

"Sacre Bleu, Jacques! Aliens! We must surrender immediately!"

Answer CNN News polls - "This just in... Bush's approval ratings are now at 100%!"

They can find Hollywood asshats who promised to leave America if Bush won in 2004 and help them pack.

By "help them pack", I mean "pistol whip them".

Fact check CBS memos

Or at least font check them.

---

So what would YOU do with 400+ heavily-armed American Patriots?

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April 04, 2005

Now THAT'S a Happy Dance!

Posted by Harvey at 07:55 AM | Email This

As I mentioned earlier, Google's doubling of their storage capacity caused me to do a rhythmless white-boy happy-dance.

I'll bet you're wondering what such an abomination in the eyes of God would look like.

Something very much like this. (safe for work)

[special thanks to It's A Pundit.com and Travis Benning for linking, directing, producing, lighting, cinematography, best boy, and key grip work in this production]

Comments (8)

April 03, 2005

If One is Good, Then Two Must Be Better

Posted by Harvey at 01:52 AM | Email This

I heard recently that Gmail is upping its storage capacity to TWO Gigabytes from the original insanely large one Gig.

Which news caused me to do a Happy Dance just like Frank J's, except with more rhythmless White-boy arm-flailing, and less hat-tossing.

It also made me think of a few other things that I'd like to see double, which I contemplate in the extended entry:

Read More »

---

* Scoops of raisins in every box of Kellogg's Raisin Bran. YAY! Raisins!

* The number of cats that Frank J. breast feeds at once. He's got two cats, he should let "Janet" get some action too, not just "Britney".

* Yeah, you want to be careful clicking that link.

* Middle Eastern democracies - mostly because that would automatically double the number of dead terrorists.

* The number of sharks that have bits of Aquaman stuck between their teeth.

* AOL discs I've used to murder the people who keep mailing me AOL discs.

* Premature suicide-bomber vest-explosions.

* Years since anyone has said "Ted Kennedy should run for President" with a straight face.

* The speed limit, even though I'd still drive 10 over, just on principle.

* My blood alcohol level. WHEEEEE! Drunk blogging! Worship me!1!!!

* Doublemint gum. Quadruple your pleasure!

* Saddam Hussein - so we can hang the son of a bitch twice.

* The speed at which the IMAO home page loads. Being able to read the entries on the same day that I click the link would be kinda cool.

* Cylider capacity on a .44 Magnum. Did I fire 12 shots or only 11? I'll bet you don't feel so lucky now. Well? Do ya... punk?

* The carat weight on SarahK's engagement diamond, so that Frank J. doesn't look like such a cheap-ass.

* Then there's the OBVIOUS answer about what I'd like to get doubled, but Smiling Bob's already hooked me up in THAT department.

---

And what would YOU like to see doubled?

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April 01, 2005

Glenn Reynold's April Fool's Day

Posted by Harvey at 09:15 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

So I was trying to get my blogging done tonight when the phone rang...
(transcript in the extended entry)

Read More »

---

Harv: Hello?

Voice: Hello. I'm calling from the hospital to tell you that your wife was killed in a horrible mangling car accident. We found her nose and ears, but the rest...

Harv: Oh. Hi, Glenn.

Evil Glenn: April Foo... Wait... how did you know it was me?

Harv: You just called me 30 seconds ago with the same line.

Evil Glenn: Oh... must've hit redial by mistake. Well, since I've got you on the line, there IS something I wanted to talk to you about?

Harv: Yes?

Evil Glenn: This Blog War thing is really wearing me down. I want to surrender to the Alliance.

Harv: That's very French of you, but we've been down this road before and you didn't keep up your end of the bargain that time, so I know you can't be trusted. Besides, it's still April Fools' Day and I'm not letting you get me twice.

Evil Glenn: No, no, I assure you. I'm completely serious. No tricks.

Harv: How come you're not surrendering to Frank J.? He's the Fearless Leader of this cabal.

Evil Glenn: I tried, but he's not available. Ya know that "I sold the domain to a Korean handle & grip company" stunt that he pulled?

Harv: Yeah...

Evil Glenn: Well, apparently some people didn't appreciate his April Fools' Day gag. A bunch of his disgruntled fans stormed his house in protest. He's in the hospital now and the doctors are still trying to de-rectify the katana sheath.

Harv: Ow! That's gotta be uncomfy!

Evil Glenn: Heh. Indeed. But besides that, it's quite obvious that you're the REAL driving force in this organization. You've told more lies than Al Franken, Janeane Garafalo, and Michael Moore combined. You're like a blogospheric Air America.

Harv [grinning]: Yeah, I'm pretty despicable, ain't I?

Evil Glenn: A man after my own black heart. You're like a son to me.

Harv: Awwww...

Evil Glenn: A son of a bitch, but still...

Harv: Hey! Now just a minute!...

Evil Glenn: And another reason I can't hand Instapundit.com over to Frank is that the changeover would be too obvious. I mean, look at IMAO: all that coffee-out-the-nose hilarity combined with witty insightfulness? The brain-dead zombies that read my crap would have seizures. Can you imagine going from "Indeed" to "If there's one thing I learned from history, it's that people from a long time ago were really, really stupid"? - Exploding heads everywhere!

Harv: Hmmm... I see your point. And since everyone reads Instapundit, everyone would be dead, leaving me with one less reader.

Evil Glenn: Exactly. But with YOUR talentless hackery at the helm - transparent transition.

Harv: I see your point, and... Hey!

Evil Glenn: No time to waste. I need to you assume command of my dark kingdom.

Harv: I don't know... I don't think I'm evil enough. I only had ONE year of law school...

Evil Glenn: Feh. The only difference between a law school graduate and a law school dropout is the number of slutty co-eds they coaxed into bed with the line "I'm going to be a lawyer."

Harv: 37

Evil Glenn: 111. See?

Harv: Ok, so I'm marginally evil... but running an empire?

Evil Glenn: I have faith in you, Harv. I think if you put your mind to it, you have the potential to be an Evil Blogospheric Overlord. Let's try something... Pretend you're the new Instapundit... imagine yourself sitting on a throne of blackest ice, your filthy talons caressing a keyboard...

Harv: Mmmm... pure evil...

Evil Glenn: Ok, now, tell me the truth... could you blend a puppy?

Harv: No! That's disgusting!

Evil Glenn: Not even a Yorkie?

Harv: ...maybe a small one.

Evil Glenn: Good. Can you murder a hobo?

Harv: ...is he French?

Evil Glenn: Well... he smells like it.

Harv: Off with his head!

Evil Glenn: Worship Satan?

Harv: I DO admire Bill Gates?

Evil Glenn: It's a start. Robot Dancing?

Harv: I did The Hustle once in third grade.

Evil Glenn: Hmmm... maybe you're TOO evil... Anyway, praising commies?

Harv: NEVER!

Evil Glenn: Democrats?

Harv: Nope.

Evil Glenn: Hippies?

Harv: Well, I do have a lava lamp...

Evil Glenn: Perfect! Have you ever punched a blogger?

Harv: Kinda. When I was doing The Hustle, I tripped over my own feet and ended up jamming my elbow into some guy's eye socket, which made him scream "BLAAAAGH!"

Evil Glenn: Close enough. How do you feel about penguin porn?

Harv: Sorry. Strictly hetero. I mean, have you SEEN my wife?

Evil Glenn: Hmmm... not bad. Put a few feathers on her and...

Harv: Watch it...

Evil Glenn: Come on, there's gotta be something?

Harv: Let's see... penguins eat fish... fish are the symbol for the astrological sign Pisces... Taurus is an astrological sign... symbolized by a bull... which is a male cow... cows are on the Wisconsin State Quarter... my wife is from Wisconsin... and I DO find HER attractive...

Evil Glenn: That's a bit of a stretch, but I'll give it to you. So... there ya go. You're evil enough to be the new Instapundit. Now, just click on over to my site and I'll give you the keys to the kingdom.

Harv: Oh goody! I can't wait to start to oppressing the blogosphere! Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably.

Evil Glenn: Now just type in the password as I give it to you...

Harv: Ah, the POWER!

Evil Glenn: A... P... R... I... L...

Harv: Ok, go on.

Evil Glenn: F... O... O... L

Harv: Ok... I hit enter, but nothing happened.

Evil Glenn: Uh... let me spell that to you again... A... P... R... I... L... F... O... O... L

Harv: Nope, still nothing.

Evil Glenn: You idiot! April Fool!

Harv: You're the idiot! That password doesn't work!

Evil Glenn: You... never mind. Look, you just keep working on it. I'm gonna go pop a Schnauzer in the Waring. Call me back once you figure it out... Dumbass.

[click]

So as soon as I get this password to work, Instapundit.com will FINALLY be under Alliance control. I'll let you know as soon as I crack his site.

A...P... R...

I... N... S... T... A... P... U... N... D... O... D... E... L... E... N... D... A... E... S... T... !

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Comments (12)

March 30, 2005

Signs That the Terrorists Are Losing

Posted by Harvey at 10:06 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

More than two years have passed since the beginning of the Iraq War, and despite the elections and evidence of democracy's budding greenery around the Middle East, some people still aren't quite sure who's winning.

Some people are dumbasses.

If you know someone tragically afflicted with dumbassery, it may be helpful to refer them to this list (in the extended entry) of:

SIGNS THAT THE TERRORISTS ARE LOSING

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* Reuters headline reads "Iraq Parliament Talks Deadlocked" instead of "Iraq Parliament Dead"

* The phrase "Iraq Parliament" in ANY Reuters headline.

* Hot Lebanese protest babes.

* Fahrenheit 9/11 DVD's start appearing in the "FREE TO GOOD HOME" section of the classifieds.

* Gitmo detention facility full of prisoners, Al Qaeda training camps full of corpses.

* Muqtada al-Sadr renounces terrorism - starts cat-blogging at LiveJournal.

* Al Jazeera refuses to hire Dan Rather because he's "too liberal". Hires Laurie Dhue's younger, hotter sister instead.

* It's all about the ratings, man.

* New Iraqi flag replaces the words "Allah Akhbar" with the Golden Arches.

* New Iraqi currency features the sexy Green M&M.

* However, she IS wearing a burkha, so it's not a complete victory.

* Statues of Saddam replaced by statues of Britney Spears.

* Iraqis no longer demand cash rewards for ratting out insurgents. These days, you can get the whereabouts of a Baath Party leader for half a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

* Mmmmm... thin mints...

* Terrorists now refer to Iraq as "Islam's greatest military victory since the Six Day War".

* Saddam action figures are now a collector's item.

* Well... a trash collector's item.

* Half of all doggie chew toys sold in America are now labeled "Made From 100% Recycled Terrorist Parts".

* The Marine Corp has changed their motto from "Semper Fidelis" to "Hey Allah! Who's Your Daddy?"

---

If you're aware of any obvious signs that I've overlooked, upgrade my knowledge base in the comments.

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Comments (13)

March 29, 2005

Helpful Wedding Advice

Posted by Harvey at 07:29 AM | Email This

Everyone's trying to tell Frank & Sarah how they should get married. Which is a complete waste of time, because - as the groom - Frank's job is to stand where he's told, and SarahK is all strong-headed, so she's just gonna do whatever she wants, anyway. Sure, she'll make little noises about "Frank, do you like this china pattern?", but if Frank's smart, he'll just nod & say "Yes, Dear" (handy phrase, that - it'll save your marriage) instead of giving into temptation and quipping, "Too much blue. It won't stand out against the sky when I'm really drunk one day and using it for skeet."

So I'm going to give wedding advice (in the extended entry) to everyone else contemplating marriage, instead. And you damn well better follow it, because I'm a married man & I've got street cred, yo.

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For the wedding site, try to find a church near the strip club where the bachelor party will be held so that when the groom wakes up in the parking lot the next morning, he can just stagger on over & not have to worry about being late.

Try to find a classy joint to hold the reception in. A good rule of thumb is shoot for an average of less than three dead flies per windowsill.

Remember this, Mr. Groom: you just spent 3 years salary on her engagement ring and wedding band. Make sure she's completely finished using those before buying her any more jewelry.

Pay the money for a good professional photographer, and skip the video tape. Why? Because if you get the video tape, eventually you'll put it in the wrong box and you'll end up showing Aunt Martha the "special honeymoon video" by mistake, and her heart attack will be forever on your conscience.

Again. Married man. Street cred, yo.

Uncle Joe never has forgiven me for that little incident.

However, he DOES borrow the video now & again.

The purpose of bridesmaid's dresses is to be ugly enough to ensure that the bride is the prettiest woman at the ceremony. If you're marrying anyone else besides SarahK, make the dresses out of old tablecloths, just to be sure.

The groom should NOT see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony, because that's bad luck, as is getting caught boinking the Maid of Honor in the broom closet.

Save money on catering expenses by holding your reception at a homeless shelter. YAY! Free soup!

And fewer fleas than at Frank J's place.

Don't waste money on a band or DJ. All you need in order to dance is a beat. A dripping faucet works just fine.

At the reception, the guests will start tapping rapidly on their glassware to get the happy couple to kiss each other. Do NOT try to dance to this.

Some people suggest throwing bread crumbs at the newly married couple instead of rice, because when birds eat rice, they experience intestinal distress. Of course, that's NOTHING compared to what happens when you feed them Alka-Seltzer, which is cheaper and MUCH more amusing, so use that instead.

Don't waste the money mailing out wedding invitations to everyone when Gmail invites are plentiful and free.

The bride should pay special attention to her hairstyle and make-up on her wedding day. Yes, it's a HUGE bother, but there's plenty of time to be ugly AFTER he says "I do".

Before the wedding, the bride-to-be's girlfriends will come to her home for a bridal shower, give her presents, and gossip all night. The groom-to-be should spend that evening in a bar, drinking heavily and bitterly regretting ever asking that woman to marry him, i.e. practice being married.

---

If you take all of my advice, I guarantee you won't ever be getting married again.

Of course, if you'd rather stay married the first time, take ArmyWifeToddlerMom's advice instead:

"...just give each other a soft place to fall."

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Comments (22)

March 26, 2005

Totally True Tidbits About Germany

Posted by Harvey at 07:41 PM | Email This

Apparently the Geman magazine Stern recently published a pictorial essay trying to make America look bad. Davids Medienkritik has the pictures with translated captions.

Those Germans aren't very nice.

Personally, I refuse to stoop to such childish, slanted tactics. I will only publish the truth, and so I present (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT GERMANY

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Germany is a medium-sized European country, with approximately the same square-mileage and speed limit laws as Montana.

Germans invented the form of music known as "opera". It soon spread to Italy and Japan, which led to the formation of the "Axis of Warble".

Attempts to spread opera to other nations led directly to WWII

The practice of cooking ground-up meat and serving it on a bun began in the German city of Cheeseburg.

The German city of Hamburg is populated entirely by lactose-intolerant former Cheeseburgians

Despite what you might infer from its name, the Dutch oven was actually a German invention, as were the Gypsy and Jew ovens.

Like Iraq, Germany was home to numerous military geniuses who were eventually killed by Americans.

Hitler was the first dictator in modern history to prove that a bad moustache is no match for American military might.

Hussein was the latest.

Looking YOUR direction, President Asad...

Germany is known the world over for its fine cuisine, in much the same way that France is known for its battlefield prowess.

The colors of the German flag are black, red, and yellow. It was originally just red and black, but the yellow stripe was added to commemorate their frequent wars with France when "the River Rhine would run yellow with the blood of French soldiers".

Because of the location of the Swiss Alps along Germany's southern border, it's impossible for tornados to form in Germany. The only weather hazards faced by the nation are flooding and occasional drifts of radioactive ash from Russian nuclear power plants.

Like Americans, Germans are allowed to vote in their national elections at age 18. Also like Americans, 18-year-old Germans spend election day at home with their PlayStations.

Postage stamps in Germany celebrate national heroes such as Werner von Braun, who invented the liquid-fueled rocket and lederhosen.

People of German heritage frequently celebrate family get-togethers with such German traditions as bland potato salad, warm beer, and hairy-backed women.

Unlike America, Germany has no legal drinking age, because German parents think it's cute when their toddlers drink beer and stumble around.

---

If you have information about Germany that America needs to know, call the Department of Homeland Security, or leave it in the comments.

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Comments (30)

March 25, 2005

Help Frank and Make Money

Posted by Harvey at 08:38 AM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

I got an e-mail from Glenn Reynolds last night. Seems he read Frank's post about letting Africa starve and figured out a way for us all to become stinking rich by supporting Frank's plan. His e-mail explaining it all is in the extended entry [CAUTION! - tasteless insensitivity ahead]:

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---

I was very troubled by the recent report that Social Security will become insolvent by 2041. Then I realized that we don't need government handouts. We can all make a fortune the old fashioned way - by running a fake charity.

Frank's "Let Africa Starve" post gave me the perfect idea. All I need is $1 from each member of the Alliance of Tree Frogs (or whatever you guys are called) for start-up capital, and we can sell a celebrity recording to raise money to starve Africans. I figure if I cut the Alliance in on the skim, you bastards will stop telling filthy lies about me.

I think we could get bushels of cash just by reworking that old "We Are the World" song a bit. Here's what I've got so far:

WE STARVE THE WORLD
U.S.A. Hates Africa

There comes a time when we heed a certain call
When the world must starve together as one
Not enough people dying
Oh, and it's time to lend a hand to death
Starvation's the greatest gift of all

We can't go on pretending day by day
That someone, somehow will soon pull their tubes
We're all a part of God's great big family
And the truth - you know they don't really want to eat

( CHORUS )
We starve the world, we snuff out children
We are the ones who take their food away
so let's start killing
There's a choice we're making
We're ending all their lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Come kill with me

Well, send'em all to hell
So they know that no one cares
Withhold food 'til they're finally dead and free
As the courts have shown us
By killing them stone dead
It's not murder, it's just lending a helping hand

( REPEAT CHORUS )

They're all down and out
There seems no hope at all
But through our friend starvation
There's no way we can fall
Well, well, well, let's realize
That one change can only come
When we yank their feeding tubes as one

( REPEAT CHORUS AND FADE )

And after all the Africans are dead, their puppies will be mine for the blending! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Meanwhile, let's have no more of this "Instapundo Delenda Est" business, eh partners?

Bow Down Before Me,
Glenn Reynolds

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Comments (10)

March 24, 2005

Fischer-Spassky Highlights

Posted by Harvey at 08:22 AM | Email This

Pretentious chess nerd Bobby Fischer was freed Wednesday from the Japanese detention center where he's been held for the last 9 months for having an invalid US passport.

Fischer originally gained fame in 1972 by defeating Russian chess champion Boris Spassky in a stunning upset, giving America a symbolic Cold War victory and high school chess club geeks a brief respite from their daily beatings.

20 years and 15,000 Thunderbird & Sterno martinis later, a very broke Fischer challenged Spassky to a rematch in Sarajevo, Yugoslavia in violation of international sanctions. Being down to his last bottle of cheap vodka, Spassky accepted, and the rest is history.

By which I mean it was quickly forgotten by all except the geeks who longed for those halcyon days of not being punched in the stomach every time they quoted Monty Python.

How I miss those days...

But to keep myself from pining away like a Norwegian Blue parrot, I thought I'd share (in the extended entry) some of my fondest memories that 1992 match:

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Game 1 - Up to his old mind-games, Fischer (playing white) stares at Spassky for three solid hours - without blinking - before making his opening move. Spassky, being a hard-bitten and stoic Russian - as well as half-blind from a decade of drinking anti-freeze - stares back, ALSO unblinking. Fischer breaks the standoff by simultaneously moving P-K4 and yanking that annoying hair out of the mole on Spassky's chin.

Game 4 - Fischer tries to intimidate Spassky by performing a series of ninja flips prior to every move. Spassky retaliates by fake-snatching at Fischer's face, then poking his thumb between his first two fingers, and taunting "Got your nose!". Fischer screams, "Give it back! Give it back!" - then cries, wets himself, and eventually loses the match.

Game 7 - Fischer is still behind in the contest, having only 1 win to Spassky's 2. Panic sets in, causing him to attempt a desperate gamble - replacing Spassky's vodka with water. Battling both sobriety and delirium tremens, Spassky agrees to forfeit the game if Fischer will just "for the love of GOD, man! Get these bugs off my arms!".

Game 15 - After 2 drawn games that dragged on for 6 hours each, the players are desperate to avoid a threepeat. However, after another 6 hours of play, Spassky mistakenly moves his king into the corner square, triggering a stalemate and a third consecutive draw. Saddened but calm, Fischer meticulously jams all 32 chess pieces down Spassky's throat. The tournament is delayed until after a box of Ex-Lax can be procured and deployed.

Game 22 - Fischer now leads, 8 wins to 4, and Spassky is sweating hard. Despite masterful combination attacks and a brilliant queen sacrifice, he finds himself cornered and facing mate in 3. However, in a flash of inspiration, Spassky spits the last of his vodka in Fischer's face and sets it on fire, thus procuring a draw from the now-eyebrowless Fischer.

Game 29 - Fischer 9, Spassky 5, and it seems that each move only delays the inevitable as Fischer slowly crushes the life out of Spassky. However, at move 43 - only 2 moves from checkmate - Fischer glances at his watch, remembers that "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is on TV, and settles for a draw. Fisher & Spassky gallop from the room on invisible horses - shouting "Ni!", and giggling like schoolgirls all the way.

Game 30 - Now tired of toying with his quarry, on move 27 Fischer advances a pawn to the 8th rank, allowing him to promote it to a more powerful piece. Instead of the expected Queen, Fischer stuns Spassky by choosing a mere bishop. In the moment of Spassky's distraction, Fischer employs the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique to garner his 10th win and conclude the contest in decisive fashion.

---

You dang chess geeks can start nit-picking in the comments now.

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Comments (8)

March 23, 2005

What's Irking North Korea?

Posted by Harvey at 08:39 AM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

What the heck is North Korea's problem? They don't have nukes, then they DO have nukes. They want to talk, then they DON'T want to talk. They're all whiny & high maintenance. It's like dating a supermodel, except without the good looks and fake boobs.

Why are they so irritable? Nobody knows. But I'll make some stuff up & put it in the extended entry:

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* With the widespread famine in North Korea, they resent having to talk to Condoleezza Rice because of her last name. It's like having a guy named "Cheeseburger" interview Michael Moore.

* They don't like being so close to Communist China, because those commies... you know... don't shower that often.

* PEW! STINKY!

* Li'l Kim's new do lacks poof.

* Tried to nuke the moon, ended up nuking themselves, then had to pretend that they meant to do that.

* What are YOU staring at? Haven't you ever seen a successful nuclear test before?

* Embarrassed about being the only country that hasn't defeated the French in battle.

* The Vatican hasn't, either, but the Pope's been sick, so at least they have a good excuse.

* Due to international sanctions, not getting their fair share of porn-spam.

* Only one radio station in the whole country, and all it plays is that stupid Numa Numa song.

* Still can't believe William Hung didn't win American Idol.

* Sick of always being picked last whenever an Axis of Evil is choosing team members.

* Their national frisbee landed in the DMZ and they can't retrieve it because of the land mines.

* On the bright side, dogs keep chasing after it and end up being blown back as stew meat.

* Mmmmm... Dinty Moore Doggy...

* Like the Chinese, Koreans have a stupid language that won't fit on a keyboard that's smaller than a movie theater screen.

* Yet another barrier to sweet, sweet porn-spam.

* Like the city of Chicago, North Korea has cold, crappy weather and can't field a winning professional football team.

* Only one ISP in the whole country, and it sucks so bad that North Koreans actually look forward to receiving the new AOL CD in the mail.

* Their national food is rotting cabbage.

* Wouldn't be so bad if there were actually some cabbage somewhere in the country.

* STARVING! EAT GRASS NOW!

---

I would've learned more, but I was afraid to continue my research, lest I be mistaken for grass and eaten. However, if YOU are un-grasslike, you can leave your own research results in the comments.

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Comments (17)

March 22, 2005

Frequently Asked Questions About Harvey

Posted by Harvey at 01:33 AM | Email This

After a month of tossing up posts, maybe it's time I introduced myself (in the extended entry):

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Recent police sketch

Are you a 6-foot-tall invisible white rabbit?
Only when I'm talking to Jimmy Stewart. As a pooka, I'm able to manifest myself in many forms, although most people see me as a 5'10", middle-aged white guy with dark hair and a beard.

Did Ronald Reagan steal his ideas for destroying communism from you?
That's classified. However, President Reagan WAS my Commander-in-Chief during part of the time I spent in the Navy (1985-1991). I'll just let you connect the dots from there.

Were you the guy who caught Chekov stealing photons from the Enterprise's reactor, as seen in the documentary "Star Trek IV"?
I was attached to the USS Enterprise from 1987 to 1991, and I did work in the #4 Main Machinery Room. However, I can't say whether that was actually Chekov, since all them filthy Russian bastards look alike to me.

I think you're hot. Can I bear your children?
That sounds like a splendid idea, but you should probably clear that with the woman to whom I've been happily married since 4-9-99. Since I don't have any children with her (or anyone else), she might say yes... or she might snap you like a twig... She's kind of unpredictable that way.

You're really sick & twisted. I'll bet you blend puppies for fun, don't you?
You're thinking of Glenn Reynolds. Even though I *do* own two dogs, four cats, and a blender, I rarely combine them.

Do you live at the North Pole with toy-making elves and magical flying reindeer?
You're thinking of Dan Rather. I live in Wisconsin with cheeseheads & bubblers.

Wisconsin, eh? You guys have the gayest state quarter ever.
True. However, we don't allow our commemorative currency to marry, so technically we're not as bad as Massachusetts.

You suck. Nothing you write ever makes me laugh. I'm ten times funnier than you. How come YOU'RE a member of IMAO and I'm not?
Because I've got street cred... I was First Loser in Frank J.'s Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One and First Winner in Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II, where I actually beat Frank J., himself.

I've also served as assignment coordinator for the Alliance of Free Blogs (another project started by Frank J.) since October of 2003, which means I'm capable of flogging a running gag light years beyond even the point of self-parody. Sometimes OCD isn't always a BAD thing.

That, and I once gave Frank a cigar.

---

I can't imagine anyone would want to know anything else. If I'm wrong, you can pipe up in the comments.

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Comments (16)

March 21, 2005

Brief Gloating

Posted by Harvey at 08:31 AM | Email This

Sorry, I just have to point out this quote from the UK Guardian:

George Lucas is not worried whether fans will like Revenge of the Sith, the final chapter in his latest trilogy of Star Wars films..."That's not my job, to make people like my movies."

Told ya.

Comments (6)

Totally True Tidbits About ANWR

Posted by Harvey at 08:13 AM | Email This

The US Senate recently voted to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil exploration. Hearing this made made me so happy that I celebrated by beating up a hippy. While washing the blood off my hands, it occurred to me that I don't actually know anything about ANWR. After extensive Googling however, I still didn't know anything, so (in the extended entry) I made up these

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT ANWR

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* ANWR is located in northern Alaska, a land so barren and desolate that it only has three Wal-Marts.

* Environmentalist groups describe the area as "pristine", but a better decription would be "19 million acres of ice lightly sprinkled with moose poop".

* The area is called a "refuge" because it's mainly inhabited by pro-Coke polar bears who escaped there to avoid the ethnic cleansing of the Cola Wars in the 1980's.

* Environmentalists claim that drilling in ANWR would disrupt the habitat of the native caribou. However, the plan approved by the Senate specifically allows for moving the caribou onto small reservations and allowing them to open casinos.

* The biggest drawback to drilling in ANWR is that the oil rigs would leave less room for club-swinging when killing baby seals.

* The oil reserves in ANWR are estimated to be some nine billion barrels, which is more than twice that found in an order of McDonald's french fries.

* Oil was first discovered in ANWR by a man named Jed. A poor Eskimo - barely kept his family fed. And then one day he was shootin' at some food...

* ...Black gold. Arctic tea.

* Some people are concerned that local herds of caribou will be decimated. Which is nonsense, since a caribou can only be killed by driving a wooden stake through its heart.

* Being so close to the North Pole, ANWR receives only 15 minutes of daylight per year, which explains why all the caribou haven't yet crumbled to dust.

* There isn't a single paved road anywhere in ANWR. Which is actually a GOOD thing, since it keeps the sightseeing hippies in their badly-in-need-of-a-tune-up Volvos from destroying the pristine wilderness.

* Besides, Buffy the Caribou Killer drives an SUV, so she doesn't need roads.

* Most of ANWR is so remote that it is only accessible by airplane, leading to the obvious conclusion that we should soften it up with airstrikes before stealing the oil.

* Bird lovers are concerned that the proliferation of oil derricks would wind up killing Snow Geese, who might accidentally fly into them. However, this would only kill the weak and stupid, which is in accordance with God's will.

* The strong and healthy would be slaughtered for sport.

* Which is NOT God's will in the strictest sense of the word, but there's a coupon for free Snow Geese in the Bible somewhere, I'm QUITE sure of that.

---

If I failed to include any pertinent ANWR info, please bruise my fragile ego by pointing it out to me in the comments.

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Comments (18)

March 19, 2005

Condoleezza Rice Apologizes for "Outpost of Tyranny" Remark

Posted by Harvey at 12:31 PM | Email This

Responding to North Korea's objections over being labelled an "outpost of tyranny", Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice issued the following statement (see extended entry):

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I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to the Democratic People's Republic of Korea for calling it an "outpost of tyranny". I realize the phrase is insulting, and - even worse - lacks the memorable alliteration of phrases like Reagan's "Evil Empire". It occurs to me that I could've used other, better, phrases to describe North Korea, such as:

Stronghold of Slavery
Craphole of Communism
Mudhole of Misery
Colony of Catastrophe
Pennisula of Persecution
Ithsmus of Imperialism
Rampart of Repression
Citadel of Cruelty
Encampment of Evil
Dominion of Dictatorship
Armpit of Asshats
Abscess of Autocracy
Stockade of Suppression
Toilet of Totalitarianism
Bastion of Bastards
Motherland of Malignancy
Slum of Subjugation
Chamberpot of Calamity
Gallery of Goombahs
Hamlet of Horror
Domain of Despotism
Outhouse of Oppression
Castle of Coercion
Ballpark of Brutality
Incubator of Injustice
Townhouse of Torment
Fortress of FUBAR

...and yet I didn't.

So, to the dictator formerly known as Poofy-head. I apologize.

Up Yours,
Condi Rice

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Comments (24)

March 17, 2005

Star Wars Episode III - Dark and Diabolical

Posted by Harvey at 08:38 AM | Email This

For nearly 30 years, the world has waited with baited breath for the final installment of the Star Wars saga, expecting George Lucas to make it the best movie in the history of cinema.

Fools that we are.

Let's be real about this. Lucas is living high, fat, and happy on the DVD residuals and just wants to get this over with. Even if this thing completely tanks at the box office, he's still set for life. Do you HONESTLY think he's going to put any effort into this? This is the guy who gave a Jamaican accent and eye stalks to the Trix Rabbit and made him the main character of Episode I. It's far more likely that he'll just throw together 2 hours of crap so he can get this thing over with. He doesn't care! He's the Great George Lucas! Worship him!

So what can you expect to see now that the gloves are off and he's free to bludgeon us with his apathy? My theories are in the extended entry:

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Queen Amidala discovers the joy of Cheetos and daytime TV - balloons up to 2000 pounds and is played by Michael Moore.

Episode III will consist primarily of scenes from the Star Wars Holiday Special - Happy Life Day, everyone!

It will be discovered that Annakin's father is actually a Tauntaun.

Whatever you do, DON'T form a mental image of the actual conception process.

THAT'S gonna sting for a while, ain't it?

Extended fight sequence between Count Dooku and the Star Wars Kid.

All CGI sequences courtesy of Matt Stone and Trey Parker.(CAUTION: link may not be monkey-free)

Special guest appearances by Pauly Shore and Carrot Top in an attempt to make Jar-Jar seem less irritating by comparison.

Costumes by Frederick's of Dumpsterwood.

The part of C3P0 will be played by Anthony Daniels wearing a cardboard box covered in Reynolds Wrap

Obi-Wan gets eaten by a giant shark.

Wait... There are no sharks on the desert planet of Tatooine! And Obi-Wan has to live because he's in Episode IV!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I don't care! I'm the Great George Lucas! Worship me!

New characters will include CGI versions of Count Chocula, Frankenberry, and Captain Crunch.

Sugar Bear got scratched from the list, since Lucas already put Ewoks in Episode VI

Episode III will be shot using only the colors red and green, just to mess with the colorblind.

The entire Clone Army will become lost in the outermost reaches of the galaxy because they were too stubborn to stop and ask for directions.

That's what they get for cloning a man.

Thanks to the existence of... certain photos... Jar-Jar will be played by Frank J., and all the other characters will be wearing Nuke the Moon T-shirts.

Also, in honor of Frank J., Annakin's mentor's name will be spelled "Obi-Awn".

In a fight between Aquaman and Star Wars Episode III, Aquaman would be green-screened, completely replaced by a CGI character, and all his lines dubbed in with James Earl Jones's voice.

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More information coming when it's leaked to me by my secret sources in Hollywood or left in the comments by you.

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Comments (24)

March 16, 2005

Dan Rather's Farewell

Posted by Harvey at 08:25 AM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

I'm not the sort of person to gloat at the misfortune of others...

*BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!*

Sorry, my b***s*** detector just went off.

Anyway, Dan Rather's out of a job, and I'm sitting here grinning smugly... well... SORTA smugly.

Truth is, I was a little disapointed by how his last show went down. He just sat there, did his newscast, said his goodbyes peacefully, and that was it.

Personally, I was hoping for something a little... less dignified... something that would better befit a man with his weasel quotient.

I've placed my list of possible scenarios in the extended entry:

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* Have Dan Rather slowly lowered into a clear plexiglass tank full of pirahnas, with each fish having a different blog name painted on its side.

* "Look! Little Green Footballs is eating his kneecaps!"

* Freeze him in carbonite and hang him on the sidebar at Powerline.

* CBS Evening News starts with a close-up of Dan Rather slumped over dead at his desk. The card next to him reads, "I, Donald Rumsfeld, strangled this man".

* CBS interviews Detective Ian Competent, who reports that police are baffled.

* Tell Dan he can keep his job if can answer the question, "What is the average air speed velocity of a forged TANG memo from an Abilene Kinko's?"

* The camera crew gets to line up and punch Dan Rather in the stomach instead of making covert obscene gestures as they've done for the last 24 years.

* Rather's final words are drowned out by chants of "What's the frequency, Kenneth?"

* William Tager appears - kicks Rather repeatedly.

* Thumbtack in the anchor chair

* What can I say? I have a weakness for the classics.

* Freddy Krueger emerges from the teleprompter and says, "I've got some new for YOU, Dan... IN HELL!" before biting off Rather's head.

* Remember that scene in Highlander where they tied Connor MacLeod's hands to a board and ran him through a brutally violent gauntlet of his fellow Clansmen as they chased him out of the village? I'm thinking something like that would be OK.

* Then have Ted Koppel chop off Rather's head with a sword while shouting, "There can be only ONE!"

* While we're at the movies, do you remember what they did to the cop in "Reservoir Dogs" while "Stuck in the Middle With You" played in the background?

* Ok, one more - Christopher Walken's big scene (NSFW .wav file) in "True Romance". Picture Dan Rather as the guy on the receiving end of the lecture.

---

Good thing I'm not the vindictive type, huh?

*BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!*

YOU SHUT UP!

The rest of you, feel free to chime in.

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Comments (11)

March 15, 2005

Totally True Tidbits About Hybrid Cars

Posted by Harvey at 07:58 AM | Email This

Totally True Tidbits About Hybrid Cars

Honda is piddling themselves with joy over the pending release of their latest hybrid version of the Accord. Unfortunately, the new Accord does NOT run on piddle, so it's not as good of a deal as you might think.

What IS a "hybrid" car, exactly? Well, it's a car that runs partly on gas, partly on electricity, and mostly on the weed-fevered fantasies of filthy hippies who think that spending $5000 to get an extra 2 mpg is actually a bargain because it enhances the self-esteem of spotted owls.

Or something.

Anyway, I assume that everyone else is as ignorant of this whole "hybrid" craze as I am, and I want to keep it that way by presenting (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT HYBRIDS

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* Because of their sleek, aerodynamic design, a hybrid can be used to bulls-eye womp rats, or any other animal that's not much bigger than two meters.

* A hybrid should always be driven at 85 mph. That way if it looks like you're about to have an accident, you can simply increase your speed to 88 mph, travel back in time, and avoid the situation entirely.

* Although hybrids are packed with advanced technological features, they do NOT float on water. That would be a "hydrofoil".

* Keep that in mind if Ted Kennedy wants to borrow your new hybrid.

* Hybrids do, however, come with a sophisticated Global Positioning System array, so if Ted DOES get his hands on your car, you can call down a S.M.I.T.E.-strike on him.

* The mileage on most hybrids is far less than the estimated mpg listed on the sticker. Car companies avoid liability on this issue by including the legal disclaimer, "Just kidding!"

* Not all hybrids are cars. Generally, a "hybrid" is something of mixed origin that functions better than its separate component parts. For illustration, consider that "Sammy Sosa" = "Steroids" + "Sammy So-So".

* Technically, Vanilla Coke is also a hybrid, since it's of mixed origin, even though it doesn't say "Just kidding!" on the can.

* In a battle between Aquaman and a hybrid, Aquaman's tights would inflate rapidly, like an airbag.

* This does NOT mean that he's just happy to see you.

* The first attempt to create a hybrid car was when the Ford Motor Company attempted to mate Seabiscuit with a Model A. Unfortunately, Seabiscuit burned his willy on the exhaust pipe and the project was terminated.

* Toyota's first hybrid - the Prius - was the result of a successful mating between Seattle Slew and a Corolla. Turns out that the CORRECT hole was under the gas cap.

* Hybrid cars run on a special fuel that's a combination of gasoline, ethanol, and Scooby Snacks.

* Which is why they make a "Scooby-Dooby-Doo!" sound when you start them.

* Hybrids use Nickel-Metal-Hydride (NiMH) batteries, which are highly radioactive and will give you superpowers if you eat them.

* Or possibly kill you. Hard to say. Radioactivity is a fickle mistress.

* A NiMH battery can be charged an infinite number of times unless eaten or drowned by a Kennedy

* Again, don't let Ted borrow your car.

* If you have a hybrid, most states will allow you to use the carpool lanes on their freeways because NiMH batteries are considered sentient beings.

* Yeah, that was a Massachusetts Supreme Court decision. How'd ya guess?

* The batteries in hybrids are recharged by driving them around in thunderstorms and getting hit by lightning.

* If the outside temperature falls below 0 degrees F., your hybrid will shatter into a million pieces. However, like the T-1000, it can re-assemble itself after it warms up.

* The next advancement in automotive technology - hydrogen fuel-cell powered cars - will hit the market in 10 to 20 years. Or a week after you finally buy a hybrid for yourself, whichever comes first.

---

If you think you know something else about hybrids, you're a damn liar, but leave it in the comments anyway.

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Comments (21)

March 13, 2005

The Official United Nations Guide to Fighting Terrorism

Posted by Harvey at 10:13 PM | Email This

Ever since the first bomb was invented 5000 years ago in Egypt by Alfred Nobel, bad people have used them to blow up innocent civilians.

Mainly in Israel.

However, for the first time since then, the UN has vowed to take concrete action to put a stop to these heinous acts. Secretary General Kofi Annan has promised to think about talking about maybe writing down - ON ACTUAL PAPER, mind you - a treaty which, if adopted, would make murdering people even MORE illegal than it already is.

But until that happy day when all nations stand united in saying "NO! NO!" (instead of merely "NO!", which hasn't yet worked, although it certainly MIGHT, if given enough time), the UN has promulgated some stopgap measures that can be implemented immediately.

So, in the interest of public safety, I offer you (in the extended entry) this:

OFFICIAL UNITED NATIONS COMPLETELY USELESS GUIDE TO FIGHTING TERRORISM

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ATTENTION: UN Secretary General Kofi Annan recommends that you take the following measures if you are confronted by a terrorist situation:

* Hit the terrorist on the nose with a rolled up newspaper while saying "No! Bad!" in a stern voice.

* Stop. Drop. Roll.

* Surrender (France only)

* Duck and cover.

* Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight.

* Slip into "bullet time" to dodge the explosion.

* Call his mother - terrorists fear parental disapproval above all else.

* Switch your sword into your right hand while explaining to the terrorist that you are NOT left-handed.

* Pay the ransom (Italy only).

* Get a lap d...[notices dirty looks from IMAO readers]... Nevermind.

* Flee to the Neverland Ranch

* Hey, it's safe. Michael's in court today.

* Tune in. Turn on. Drop out.

* See Spot run. Run, Spot, run. Run, run, run!

* Maybe Spot knows something you don't.

* Scowl.

* Wish REALLY, REALLY hard that this wasn't happening.

* Set a spell. Take your shoes off. Ya'll come back, now, hear?

* Quick! Dial 9-1-... [KABOOM!]

* Try distracting the terrorist by throwing a tennis ball.

* Hey - works on my dog.

* Have Calgon take you away.

* Clear your throat while tapping your foot impatiently.

* Yell for help - Hey Culligan Man!

* Try understanding the root causes of the terrorist's anger.

* This should buy you enough time to make out your will.

* Fire up your computer, play solitaire, and await the end. Just like at work.

* If none of the above steps prove effective, have the US Marines come in and save your worthless ass while you denounce their unilateral interventionism.

---

World citizens are encouraged to leave additional brilliant plans in the comments.

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Comments (29)

March 11, 2005

Evil Glenn's New World Record

Posted by Harvey at 10:43 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

NOTE: DUE TO MATURE THEMES, READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED

If you weren't watching Fox News tonight, I feel sorry for you, because you missed one HELL of a show.

Inspired by Steve Fossett's recent solo, non-stop, global circumnavigation, the vile and despicable evil dark overlord of the blogosphere and part-time law professor, Glenn Reynolds, was on live TV attempting to set a new world record. I can't find a link to a video clip, but the transcript is in the extended entry.

(note: I forgot to put the evilness in the extended entry last night. I apologize for the oversight. Remember kids, drugs are BAD, m'kay?)

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SHEPARD SMITH: ... and we hope Dan Rather dies screaming while choking on his own blood and begging an indifferent God to kill him quickly. But right now, we're sending you out LIVE to Fox News correspondent Melinda Hawkish in Memphis... Melinda?

MELINDA HAWKISH: Thanks, Shepard. Good evening. I'm Melinda Hawkish and I'm here live in Memphis as super-blogger Glenn Reynolds is about to go on trial for his very life on charges of murdering hobos during grotesque Black Mass ceremonies in...

STAGEHAND: *whisper-whisper-whisper*

MELINDA: I'm sorry. I've just been informed that that's NEXT week. My bad... TONIGHT I'll be bringing you live coverage of Professor Reynolds as he attempts to set a new world's record in "blogger punching". He... Wait... "blogger punching"? What the HELL is that? Is that a euphemism for something dirty? Because I'm NOT gonna flush my career down the toilet because of some retarded Janet Jackson stunt! You guys can just find another slab of mutton to throw to those wolves at the FCC, because...

STAGEHAND: *whisper-whisper-whisper*

MELINDA: Oh... THAT'S not so bad... All righty, then... As I was saying, Glenn Reynolds already holds several world's records, including shoving 54 puppies into a single blender, and Robot-Dancing for 168 consective hours. There's also something involving penguins, but - like I said - the FCC ain't gonna make me their bitch tonight, so we'll skip that one... And here's Reynolds now... Mr. Reynolds!... Mr. Reynolds!

GLENN: Hmmmm?

MELINDA: Mr. Reynolds, can you please tell our audience what you'll be doing tonight?

GLENN: Indeed, Melinda. Tonight I'll be attempting to set a new world's record for punching a blogger. Specifically, Frank J. of IMAO. I tried it once in May of 2003, and it was so delightful, I thought I'd indulge myself repeatedly. Heh.

MELINDA: I see. So... Why Frank J.? Isn't there a blogger who's famous - or at least talented - that you could smack around? What about Andrew Sullivan?

GLENN: Heh. Well, as much pleasure as it would give me to bitch-slap that little poofter, I'm afraid the Sullivan-punching record is COMPLETELY out of reach. Political bloggers on both the left AND right have been pummelling him so long that his friends are calling him Andrew Everlast. I think the record on him is something like 6.02x10²³ or so. Frank J.'s record, like his face, is much more breakable. Indeed.

MELENDA: I see... and what IS the record for punching Frank J.?

GLENN: The current record is 68, held by SarahK of Texas.

MELINDA: And when was that set?

GLENN: Shortly after Frank started playing virtual footsie with a certain irresistably sexy Asian blogger, who I'd prefer not to name.

MELINDA: You mean Michelle Malkin?

SARAHK: did you say michelle malkin? i hate michelle malkin! i'll strangle you dead! rarrrr!!!

MELINDA: *gak!* *grk!* HELP!

GLENN: Heh. Indeed. That's why I didn't want to mention her name.

MELINDA: Someone get this cow offa me!

SARAHK: i'm not a cow! i'm a snuggle-bunny! rarrrr!!!

MELINDA: HELP!

GLENN: Hmmmm... Hey! Sarah!... there's a TV over there with American Idol on it...

SARAHK: oo! american idol!...[glares at MELINDA]... i'll kill you later, pinkytoe chick... i'm coming, simon!!!

MELINDA: *cough* *sputter*... Thanks... now, back to the punching... How will you keep Frank J. from running away, screaming and crying like a little girl?

GLENN: Heh. Simple. Martinis... Everyone knows that boy can't hold his liquor for sh**.

MELINDA: PLEASE! Mr. Reynolds! We're on live TV! You can't SAY that word!...[glancing around nervously]... the FCC has spies EVERYWHERE!

GLENN: Indeed. But it's true what I said about Frank. I mean, look at the little monkey, prancing around over there...

FRANK: WHEEEEEE! Dude! I'm like totally drunk!

MELINDA: Wow! He IS acting like a total ass...

FRANK: I'm NOT a total ass! *hic* I'm the GRate FrnAk J.! Worshippp mE!!!

MELINDA: Geez, what a loser. Hurry up & start punching!

GLENN: With pleasure. Indeed.

MELINDA: All right, viewers, here we go. Glenn Reynolds is about to try to beat the old record of 68 Frank J. punches. In just one second, he'll begin his attempt to 69 Frank J., and...

[Sound of sirens as a dozen armored vans marked "FCC" pull up on the scene. Jack-booted thugs - wearing black leather jackets emblazoned with the FCC smiley-face logo and motto of "We're from the government, and we're here to help you" - pour out like circus clowns exiting a Volkswagen and start tasering people left and right.]

MELINDA: What the...?

JACK-BOOTED GOVERNMENT THUG: Agent Smith of the FCC, Ma'am. We're here to shut down this illegal broadcast in the name of THE CHILDREN^TM!

MELINDA: But it's not like we're flashing around a bunch of little brown pierced perkies! There's nothing here but healthy, natural, good, clean, brutal, bloody violence!

SMITH: Yes, but you said the one number that we, the knights who say "FCC", cannot hear.

MELINDA: What? 69?

ALL AGENTS: AIEEEEE!!! Not that number! NO! It burns! The pain!

MELINDA: Guys... relax... It's just a freakin' NUMBER! All I was saying was that, in order to break the Frank J. punching record, Glenn had to make 69...

ALL AGENTS: AIEEEEE!!! Stop saying that number! It's so EEEEEVIL! THE CHILDREN^TM! Won't somebody PLEASE think about THE CHILDREN^TM?

STAGEHAND: I warned you about messing with the FCC, Melinda. If I've told you once, I've told you 69 times...

ALL AGENTS: AIEEEEE!!!

MELINDA: Right... this is just getting silly... we now return you to Shepard Smith in our New York studio... Hey, Frank! Gimme one of those damn martinis!... What?... NO! I'll worship you later... and stop calling me Michelle Malkin...

SARAHK: michelle malkin? where? let me at her! rarrrr!!!

[screen goes suddenly to snow]

SHEPARD: Thanks, Melinda... Next up... the results of our viewer poll question, "Which of Michael Jackson's organs would you like see removed from his body with a rusty spoon?"

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Comments (17)

March 10, 2005

The Happy Bunny Song

Posted by Harvey at 02:25 PM | Email This

I was going to write a post about how much I hate terrorists, but with all the hate & death & killing in the news lately, I thought maybe I should try to write about something cheerful and upbeat, instead. So in the extended entry, I've placed

THE HAPPY BUNNY SONG

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I wish I were a bunny, with a soft and fuzzy head.
I'd groin-kick all the terrorists, until they fell down dead.
I wish I were a bunny, with a cotton tail of fluff.
Blasting bad guys with my Glock, 'cuz I don't take no guff!

I'd tear their guts out with my paws, and wiggle my pink nose.
And pee upon their ankles as I chewed off all their toes.
I'd chop their heads off with an ax, and play and hop around.
And sing my happy little song, upon the blood-soaked ground.

I'd kill and maim and kill again, spread cute and cuddly death.
And giggle at insurgents, as they draw their final death.
Oh, I'd love to be a bunny, with a fully-loaded gun.
I'd shoot at Eason Jordan - targ'ting journalists is fun!

Then I'd go to Hollywood and frisk around a bit.
And kick the ass of Michael Moore (that worthless, lying s***)
Upon his chubby, smelly head, I'd hop and hop and hop!
Until his skull is well-caved-in, and out his eyes did pop.

I'd love to join the Air Force, and drop a 'splodey bomb.
Be a stalwart Army officer, or Marine Corps grunt non-com.
And get to slaughter terrorists - oh, that would be divine!
But if I can't be one of those, a bunny would be fine.

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Comments (38)

March 09, 2005

Car-Bomber Bumper Stickers

Posted by Harvey at 05:11 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

With all the crazy action going on over in Iraq, it's hard to tell friend from foe. Let's say you're manning a checkpoint and a car comes careening up toward you. You have no idea whether it's a suicidal car-bomber, an innocent (if somewhat communist) Italian journalist, or simply just another Ahmed Lunchpail in a hurry to get home for a nooner.

Wouldn't it be nice if there were an easy way to tell them apart so you wouldn't accidentally open fire on the last example and risk losing the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people? Well, it turns out there's an easy way to spot the bad guys - just read the bumper stickers! If you see one that's even remotely like the ones I list in the extended entry, then fire at will:

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* Driver carries less than 20 pounds of explosives.

* Visualize whirled pieces.

* It could be worse.... at least I'm not a postal worker.

* This car runs like crap because Halliburton stole my oil!

* I support the troops - by giving them something to shoot at.

* You can have my detonator when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

* Don't shoot! I'm not a commie Italian journalist!

* I'm not playing with myself, I'm adjusting my bomb belt.

* 72 Virgins taxi service.

* I sure hope these voices in my head are Allah!

* Kerry-Edwards '04

* Trust me, you DON'T want to be tailgating.

* Mary Kay Burkha Babe Bomber Brigade (pink Cadillacs only)

* You think it's hot in the DESERT? Try being in my CAR in 5 minutes!

* If you had six wives, you'd be on this mission, too.

* My other car is an IED.

* CAUTION: Delivery vehicle. Watch for frequent stops. And sudden explosions.

* I {heart) the UN.

* How's my driving? Call 1-800-BLOWDUP.

---

If you've spotted any more "dead giveaway" stickers during your recent daily commutes, feel free to drop them in the comments.

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Comments (44)

March 08, 2005

Totally True Tidbits About Bono

Posted by Harvey at 02:35 PM | Email This

For reasons that give new meaning to the word "inexplicable", U2 front man Bono is having his name kicked around as possibly being the next president of the World Bank.

I guess it's not completely insane, though, since nothing says "fiscal responsibility" like wrap-around shades and beard stubble.

However, before handing this man the keys to the kingdom of international graft, bribery, and kickbacks, it would be helpful to know a little more about him. So, with a little help from my friend, "making stuff up as I go along", I present (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT BONO

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As a child growing up in Dublin, Bono practiced his vocal technique by singing with his mouth full of marbles, which allowed him to perfect his trademark incoherant mumble.

Bono was originally named Paul Davis Hewson, but changed his name to Bono Vox - an Irish phrase meaning "nose like a tent stake".

Bono currently sings for the band "U2". They were going to name it "V2" after the famous rocket from WWII, but decided it would be silly, since no one associates the Irish with violent destruction.

Most people think that Bono's song "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" was about the shooting of Irish civilians in the streets of Derry in 1972, but it was actually based on Bono's response to being mistakenly given a banana split at a British ice cream parlor.

Sorry, "parlour".

Bono originally played guitar for U2, but switched to vocals after it was discovered that his voice sounded somewhat less like a cat that's just peed on an electric fence than his guitar playing did.

Bono's dynamic stage presence has frequently been compared to that of both Al Gore and William Hung.

Sometimes favorably.

Bono is descended from Irish royalty and counts among his ancestors King Patrick the First, and Lucky the Leprechaun.

U2 often interrupts their concerts to deliver political messages to their audiences, much like the Dixie Chicks, except that U2 only has four boobs on stage instead of six.

Bono was recently nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for advocating that rich countries write off the debt of third world nations. Personally, I say that if poor countries are dumb enough to put a billion dollars on the Eagles, they should be forced to pay every last dime.

If chosen to head the World Bank, Bono will make debt repayment easier for developing nations by declaring tse-tse flies to be legal tender.

Bono once spent some time working with Greenpeace, an ecoterrorist organization so inept that they were once beaten up by France.

Bono wears sunglasses whenever he goes out in public to protect innocent bystanders from the laser beams that shoot uncontrollably out of his eyes.

He also has near-supernatural healing abilities, and an Adamantium skeleton.

Although Bono was once bitten by a radioactive spider, it had no effect on him, since he's not a nancy-boy like that Peter Parker pansy.

---

If there's anything YOU know about Bono that I don't know, go ahead & spout off in the comments.

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Comments (28)

March 07, 2005

But HOW MUCH Do I Suck?

Posted by Harvey at 09:55 PM | Email This

In the comments to one of my earlier posts, loyal IMAO reader Lionstone - concerned about maintaining the high comedic standards that all IMAO readers have come to expect over the years - offered the following bit of feedback:

Harvey sucks

Now, as much as I appreciate such well-thought-out constructive criticism, I'm afraid that it's a little... vague. In order to improve the quality of my posts, I'll need a more quantitatively measureable response.

Although I was tempted to go with the Star Wars suck-scale (where Episode IV is the lowest, or 1 suck-point, Episode I is the highest, or 5 suck-points, and the positions of Episodes II, V, and VI are currently being debated in all-night chat-room sessions by pimply-faced men who've never kissed a girl), I decided to use a more definitive 30-point scale, which I list in the extended entry. Please read the list, choose the suck-level that most accurately represents my revoltingly inept unfunniness, and leave your choice in the comments.

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1) Hole in your shoe, rain on the sidewalk.

2) 10 minute oil change takes 15 minutes.

3) Out of Miracle Whip.

4) Laptop battery dying juuuuust before you click "post".

5) Ewoks

6) Out of toilet paper.

7) Last call.

8) Underwear for Christmas.

9) Smurfs

10) Out of toilet paper AND Kleenex.

11) Blog posts with blink tags.

12) Accidentally using Ben Gay for toothpaste.

13) A Jar-Jar Binks poetry reading.

14) Old people winning the lottery

15) Firefly being cancelled.

16) Democrats winning the Presidency.

17) Mullets

19) Lists that skip a number just to see if you're paying attention.

20) The ending to Matrix: Revolutions

21) Democrats winning the Presidency by running Jar-Jar Binks.

22) Out of toilet paper, kleenex, paper towels, newspaper, junk mail, catalogs, and you can't find your birth certificate anywhere.

23) Sitting in a doctor's waiting room between two smelly hippies who are arguing over whether Al Franken or Randi Rhodes has the better program on Air America.

24) ANY non-bleeding hippy.

25) Spending $200 trying to impress your date, taking her home, and getting a handshake instead of lucky.

26) A Peanut butter and Mentholatum sandwich.

27) Green eggs and hair.

28) Your new babysitter shows up and it's Michael Jackson.

29) The shelves at Blockbuster are competely bare except for Fahrenheit 9/11, Battlefield Earth, and A Very Brady Sequel.

30) A Liquid nitrogen enema.

31) Not knowing what to say during a lap dance.

---

Again, please choose the most Harv-like of these sucky things. Your comments may be monitored or recorded for training purposes. Have a nice day, and thank you for choosing IMAO.

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Comments (57)

March 06, 2005

Totally True Tidbits About Knights

Posted by Harvey at 11:01 PM | Email This

Last week Bill Gates was awarded an honorary knighthood by England's Queen Elizabeth. I can't believe she actually thinks that sucking up to America's billionaires by letting them put "Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire" on their resume is going to make up for burning down the White House.

Some of us haven't forgotten 1812, Queenie.

That aside, it seems there are a lot of misconceptions about knighthood and knights in general. Which is a good thing, because that means that Americans still realize that royalty and nobility are stupid ideas, and the only good use for a Queen is playing her on top of an opposite-colored King.

Monarchy - BOO! HISS!

However, if you're planning a trip to Englandia, it might make you look like less of a retard if you understood some of the local cultural traditions, like the proper way for peasants to wallow in mud, and (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT KNIGHTS

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---

* Knighthood is only bestowed on those men who demonstrate the highest levels of bravery, loyalty, and chivalry. And Paul McCartney, on whom the Queen had a crush.

* An honorary knight is just like a regular knight, in that he's allowed to wear the really cool armor. However, the honorary knight isn't allowed to say "Ni!"

* Knights were originally called "nights" because of their almost supernatural ability to fight in total darkness. The spelling was changed because those wacky British are always adding extra letters to perfectly good words.

* Or "wourds", as they say in England

* They were going to call them "niughts", but England's supply of silent u's was already dangerously low.

* They also thought about "ninjas", but that was already taken.

* The British STILL hate the Japanese for that.

* Traditionally, knights were classified as either "white" or "black", depending on whether they were good or evil. In the modern system, however, knights are classified as "blue", "green", "yellow", "orange", or "red" - depending on their threat level.

* French knights are always "yellow", but only because the French classification system is based on bravery.

* By a strange quirk of eytmology, French knights were ALSO once called "nights". This was because of their almost supernatural abilty to drop their weapons and run screaming like girls in total darkness.

* King Arthur's knights were seated at a round table as a symbol of their equality. They originally wanted a dodecagonal table, but the 150-degree angle hadn't been invented yet.

* A knight's most feared weapons were his lance and his laser heat-vision.

* In a battle between Aquaman and a knight, Aquaman would be impaled on the lance and laser-fried like a crispy fish stick.

* Knights were frequently called upon to fight fire-breathing dragons. The main danger from a dragon, though, was not his fire, but his ability to lie convincingly. The dragon would pretend to be the knight's friend, convince the knight that they were on the same side, and - once he had the knight's trust - betray him. Much like what modern-day journalists do to American soldiers.

---

If I missed any important knight-related information, you can use the comments to spackle in the gaps in my knowledge.

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Comments (30)

March 05, 2005

How to Write for IMAO

Posted by Harvey at 05:21 PM | Email This

Since I started posting at IMAO, people are always - by which I mean never - asking me, "Hey Harv, how do you manage to create all those hilarious posts?"

Easy.

I just follow the very simple, sure-fire, never-miss, all-purpose, super-comedic, hypenated-adjectivated, IMAO 3-step posting formula, which you can see in the extended entry.

Read More »

---

1) Side splittingly brilliant introduction promising mirth and hilarity in the extended entry.

2) Extended Entry: ***FUNNY GOES HERE***

WARNING - DO NOT DISCUSS LAP DANCING!

3) Stunningly witty conclusion and invitation for reader participation in the comments.

---

Just keep practicing this technique and maybe someday YOU'LL be invited to write for IMAO, too. Or at least invited to buy an IMAO T-shirt, which is very nearly the same thing.

Anyway, I invite reader participation in the comments.

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Comments (12)

March 04, 2005

Glenn Reynolds' Rehab Clinic

Posted by Harvey at 10:32 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

So I was watching the Playboy channel the other night - and before you say anything, I only watch it for the commercials - I saw this one commercial for a new rehab clinic that Glenn Reynolds is opening up in Memphis. The transcript is in the extended entry...

Read More »

[fade in from black to Glenn Reynolds, standing in the lobby of his clinic]

GLENN: Hi folks. I'm Glenn Reynolds. Most of you know me as the evil, puppy-blending, hobo-killing, dark overlord of the blogosphere... who will eventually crush you all like bugs and murder you in your sleep! DIE! DIE! DIE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*ahem*... But I'm also a lawyer, and I know how easy it is to get burnt out by the day-to-day grind when you're working in the legal profession.

Tell me, my fellow lawyers, has this ever happened to you?

[cut to interior shot of a courtroom where a tired, disheveled, lawyerish-looking man is speaking to a jury]

LAWYER: Although my client WAS discovered at the scene of the crime clutching a bloody knife and carving the words, "I MURDERED THIS MAN" into the victim's chest, I assure you that it was self-defense. After all, the so-called "victim" had just tipped over the bowl containing my client's pet clownfish, Nemo - his adored and beloved animal companion of nearly three hours. Would you expect my client to stand idly by as his loved one flopped his way to an airy grave? Certainly the circumstances must make this crime understandable... perhaps even forgivable. For who here among us wouldn't... uh... wait a minute... ya know, I just realized that I get paid no matter WHAT the verdict is...

Screw it. He's guilty. Hang him. I'm going to Hooters...

[cut back to Reynolds, shaking his head sadly]

GLENN: The sudden loss of desire to deceive a jury into putting a killer back on the street... A tragic - yet all too common - occurance in my profession.

But it doesn't HAVE to be this way...

[cue cheery, hopeful-sounding piano music]

Here at the Glenn Reynolds Attorney Stress Syndrome Rehab Clinic, we turn the tragic into magic. Best of all, there's no cumbersome 12-step program. We've pared it down to 4:

1) Admit that your ASS (Attorney Stress Syndrome) is killing you.

2) Understand that you have to make your own decision to change. No one can kick your ASS for you.

3) Ask Satan to grab your ASS as you murder a hobo in his dark name.

4) That's it! You're free! Kiss your ASS goodbye!

New ASS Elimination Seminars are starting every day. So if you think your ASS is nasty, you should see our ASSES.

So don't delay. Call 1-800-ASS-GONE right now.

Remember, the best way to lose your ASS is to ask Glenn Reynolds for help.

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Comments (8)

March 03, 2005

Illustrated Guide to Serial Killer Identification

Posted by Harvey at 08:05 PM | Email This

Dennis L. Rader, the infamous BTK serial killer, was recently captured in Kansas, where he will soon be tried, convicted, sentenced, drawn, quartered, shot, stabbed, hung, gassed, electrocuted, and/or forced to listen to the Llama Song on endless loop.

An expert interviewed by New York Newsday said that she wasn't surprised to find out that Rader was the killer, because he was a married father of two, devout official in his Lutheran congregation, one-time Cub Scout leader, and by-the-book code enforcement officer, and no one would ever have suspected him.

Therefore, he fit the profile and was obviously guilty.

Yeah... I'm confused, too.

Now, I'm sure that many IMAO readers know some upstanding community leaders, and are now asking themselves "Is my neighbor a serial killer? Should I call the police? Should I kill him first and hide his body in a shallow grave?"

The answer is, of course, "yes" to all of the above. So get kill'n.

For those of you who didn't just get up from your computers to self-defensively murder your neighbors, I present (in the extended entry) this

ILLUSTRATED GUIDE TO SERIAL KILLER IDENTIFICATION

Read More »

---

(click to enlarge on any picture, and exercise caution if you choose to click a link)

JEFFREY DAHMER

PROFILE: Kept to himself except when cruising gay bars for nubile Laotian boys.
CONCLUSION: Social deviant - Not a serial killer.

*****

ED GEIN:

PROFILE: Lived in an isolated Wisconsin farmhouse that was decorated with furniture made from human skin.
CONCLUSION: Harmless eccentric - Not a serial killer.

*****

JOHN WAYNE GACY:

PROFILE: Enjoyed dressing up in a clown costume.
CONCLUSION: Worse than a serial killer.

*****

TED "UNABOMBER" KACZYNSKI:

PROFILE: Angry loner who mailed bombs.
CONCLUSION: Who DOESN'T hate the Post Office? I mean, I've tried to kill my mailman DOZENS of times - Not a serial killer.

*****

FRANK J.

PROFILE: Dimple-cheeked, boy-faced man with a quaint and endearing sense of humor.
CONCLUSION: Obviously a serial killer. SHOOT HIM NOW! SHOOT HIM NOW!

*****

SARAHK:

PROFILE: Charming lass with an angelic smile and a heart of gold. Loves fuzzy kittens and guns.
CONCLUSION: Athough her firearms fetish makes her suspicious - and therefore above suspicion - her initials, "SK" prove her "Serial Killerness" beyond all doubt. Definitely a serial killer.

*****

MINERVA:

PROFILE: Adorable, fluffy kitty. Some urine stains on head.
CONCLUSION: Was recently photographed serially killing people while wearing a clever disguise:

Not a serial killer.

*****

GLENN REYNOLDS:

PROFILE: Arrogant braggart who constantly boasts of murdering hobos.
CONCLUSION: Not a serial killer. Those who can, do. Those who can't, blog.

*****

MICHAEL JACKSON:

PROFILE: Freakish-looking, plastic-faced former black man and current white woman who molests young boys.
CONCLUSION: Should be serially killed.

*****

---

I hope you found this guide helpful. If you have any questions about people in your life who may be serial killers, please leave them in the comments, or deliver them in person to my isolated Wisconsin farmhouse.

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Comments (22)

March 02, 2005

Adventures in Journalist Targeting

Posted by Harvey at 10:40 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Frank J. - giddy with success from his brilliant idea of converting IMAO to a group blog - recently convened a meeting of the IMAO editorial board deep in the heart of the super-secret IMAO Cave. There he outlined his cleverest plan ever for placing the might of the blogosphere in the service of Truth and Justice. He also tried to get us to join Amway, but that's not important right now. In the extended entry, I've placed the official minutes of that meeting, plus some supporting documentation that was discovered in Sandy Berger's socks...

Read More »

---

FRANK: Before I announce my next brilliant idea, I want to take roll call to make sure everyone's here.

SARAH: Why don't you just count the people sitting at the table?

FRANK: Because we're in a cave, and it's dark, and I can't see a damn thing. Now let's begin... uh... SarahK?

SARAH: Right here on your lap, ya goofy-goof.

FRANK: I was hoping that was you. Right Wing Duck?

RWD: Quack!

FRANK: Don't be a smartass. Just say "here".

RWD: Tail.

FRANK: What?

RWD: Ducks don't have asses, they have tails, so technically what you want me not to be is a smarttail.

FRANK: You're right... in that you won't have an ass if I pluck it bald & stuff it in a deep-fryer! Which I will if you don't straighten up... Anyway, I'll take that as a "here"... Flying Space Monkey?

MONKEY: OO! OO! EE! EE! AH! AH!

FRANK: Plenty of room in the deep fryer for you, too, monkey boy...

MONKEY: Right, boss. I meant "here!"

FRANK: Cadet Happy?

CADET: Here.

FRANK: I'm glad SOMEBODY'S taking this seriously.

CADET: Actually I'm not, it's just that I'm the picture-humor guy, and it's too dark for you to see this photoshopped image I'm holding up of you wearing a big ball & chain labelled "SarahK".

FRANK: We're kinda busy now, so I'll kill you later... Scott?... Scott?... Scott?

SARAH [gently]: Frank? You know I love you, but you REALLY have to stop pretending he exists. It was cute at first, but now you're starting to scare me.

FRANK [glaring at SARAH]: I'm sure he'll be here later! But right now, we've got work to do... Harvey?... Harvey?... HAR-VEY!

RWD: How many imaginary friends do you HAVE, Frank?

HARVEY [running breathlessly into room]: I'm NOT imaginary, I was just late because I was out getting a lap d...

FRANK, SARAH, RWD, MONKEY, CADET: *AHEM!!!*

HARVEY: ...uh... a lap... DOG! For my elderly mother... whose old poodle died recently, and... uh... say, Frank, did you forget to pay the electric bill again?

FRANK: That's not important right now. What matters is that we're all here, and it's time to unveil my new, brilliant plan to...

SARAH: WAIT! What about Aquaman?

FRANK: He's already got a special mission of his own...

****

AQUAMAN: Gimme two chocolate glazed, two vanilla icing, two strawberry icing with the sprinkles, two... wait... do you have any Bavarian cream left?

****

FRANK: Meanwhile, here's the plan. The blogosphere has been doing a great job of crushing those mainstream media jerks like Rather & Jordan. Since the new group-blog IMAO is now the most powerful force in the galaxy - at least since the recent destruction of the Death Star - it's time to use our powers only for the betterment of mankind.

MONKEY: You mean you're cutting prices on Nuke the Moon T-shirts?

FRANK: BLASPHEMER! [hurls chair in general direction of SPACEMONKEY'S voice] I mean we're going to take down another evil journalist.

CADET: BRILLIANT!... I wish you could see this picture I'm holding up of me kissing your butt...

RWD: Ok, which journalist?

FRANK: How the hell should *I* know? *I* came up with the mission. You guys come up with the plan. Once you figure it out, then gather the necessary equipment, implement the plan, and then report back to me about how smart I am.

HARVEY: That doesn't like a fair distribution of responsi...

FRANK [hurls chair in general direction of HARVEY'S voice]: SHUT UP!!!... Less talkin', more obeyin'!... I'm gonna go play some video games & snuggle with my little oogie-woogums...

SARAH: *giggle* Oh, Frank! You're so adorable! I... HEY! Watch the hands, mister!... No ringy-wingy, no gropey-boobie!

FRANK: You guys keep plottin'... me & the squeeze are outta here...

****

RWD: Soooo.... Al Franken?

MONKEY: Ted Koppel?

CADET: I'm holding up one of Ted Rall's crappy cartoons...

HARVEY: How about Peter Jennings? I heard he used to be Canadian.

RWD: CANADIAN! That's like being French!

MONKEY: Except with a tuque instead of a beret.

HARVEY: And slightly less surrendering. Let's get him!

CADET: I'm holding up a picture of a thumbs-up to signal my agreement.

RWD: Would you knock it off with the pictures, already? [turns on light] There! Better?

HARVEY: Hey! How'd you DO that? I thought Frank forgot to pay the electric bill?

MONKEY: He did. But I hacked into the electric company's billing database & listed him as paid up until 2097.

HARVEY: Cool!... Say... that gives me an idea... if you can hack into Jennings' teleprompter, we can make him say a bunch of really stupid lies, and then he'd have to resign in disgrace!

MONKEY: Or get promoted...

RWD: Who cares? Either way, I still get some great material for my daily news round-up. Let's do it! All in favor?

HARVEY: Aye!

MONKEY: Aye!

CADET: I'm holding up a picture of... [gets knocked unconscious by chair hurled by RWD]

HARVEY [admiringly]: Nice shot, Ducky. Now let's get hackin'...

****

PETER JENNINGS: Our top story tonight... President Bush... is he a demon from hell, or merely a child-molesting Hitler-clone? We'll have the answer tonight, as ABC news interviews a wino who was just pulled out of a dumpster who - for the price of a bottle of Boone's Farm wine - is willing to say on camera that Chimpy McSatan is 1000 times worse than either. His shocking allegations are supported by these handwritten notes that I just now made on the back of this Burger King napkin. Since our wino is also a handwriting expert - and in the mood for chasing his wine with a little Sterno - he'll swear up and down that the handwriting matches Bush's EXACTLY! Stay tuned, as ABC News attempts to stem the bloody tide of the murderous Bush administration... in an unbiased sort of way.

****

HARVEY: Great job, Monkey!

RWD: Did you see the look on Jennings' face when the ABC security guys dragged him out of the anchor chair and threw him into the street? Freakin' PRICELESS!

CADET: If I would've been conscious for the event, I'd probably be holding up a congratulatory picture right now.

MONKEY: Guys... what are you talking about?

HARVEY: DUH! Jennings read the script you fed into the teleprompter.

RWD [in Yoda voice]: Hmmmmm. Yes. His ass fired, it got.

MONKEY: Yeah, but that's the thing... I couldn't get past the ABC firewall. I never hacked the teleprompter.

HARVEY: But he read our fake script verbatim! ... Well, except for where he used "child-molesting" instead of "wife-beating"...

RWD: So you're saying that that stuff was what ABC actually meant to put on the teleprompter? That it was REAL?

MONKEY: Real... but accurate.

HARVEY: Close enough for blogger's work. I'm outta here. 'Night fellas.

MONKEY: 'Night.

RWD: 'Night.

CADET: I'm holding up a picture of a... HEY!... Put the chairs down!... I was just kidding! Goodnight, already!

****

[6 HOURS LATER]

AQUAMAN: Hey, guys! Sorry I'm late! I got mugged by a couple cops on the way back from Krispy Kreme. Lucky for me they dumped my body in the river after they stole my donuts and beat the crap out of me, so I was able to swim to safety, and...

Where'd everybody go?... AHA! A mystery to be solved! This looks like a job for...

AQUAMAN!...

... if I can ever get out of these damn handcuffs...

---

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Comments (15)

Frank J.'s Car Accident: Shocking Eye-Witness Testimony!

Posted by Harvey at 08:03 AM | Email This

Thanks to an anonymous source, I'm able to provide you with this (safe for work) eye-witness audio description of Frank J's car accident.

[hat tip to anonymous source Teresa of Technicalities]

Comments (5)

March 01, 2005

Totally True Tidbits About Nuclear Power

Posted by Harvey at 07:55 AM | Email This

It was recently announced that Russia will be selling nuclear fuel to the Iranians for use in the Bushehr nuclear power plant. This is making a lot of folks uneasy, since - given Iran's track record - many fear that this will lead to a sudden release of radioactive material after 444 days and a failed rescue attempt.

Personally, I consider these fears overblown, and I think they're merely the result of the general level of appalling ignorance regarding nuclear power in general. People simply fear what they don't understand. Fortunately for IMAO readers, I served for 4 years on board a nuclear powered aircraft carrier (USS Enterprise - CVN 65), which makes me eminently qualified to shed some much-needed light on the topic (in the extended entry) by pulling out of my magic ass the following:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT NUCLEAR POWER

Read More »

* The first controlled nuclear chain reaction took place in Chicago in 1942, and ushered in a new era of cheap, sustainable electric power and protests by filthy hippies.

* Coal- and oil-fired power plants burn "fossil fuels" which come from the remains of prehistoric dinosaurs. By contrast, nuclear power plants burn radioactive dinosaurs like Godzilla and Rodan.

* Just kidding. The TRUE source of nuclear power is a mysterious green ooze found in New York sewers.

* No, wait... That's TURTLE power. Nevermind.

* There have been no recorded deaths in the United States from nuclear power plants. This is due to stringent operational procedures and the fact that the safety records keep getting vaporized by atomic fireballs.

* No, NOT the candy.

* Nuclear waste can be safely and permanently disposed of by transporting it in Ted Kennedy's car.

* The source of nuclear power is nuclear fission - the result of subatomic particles coming together energetically. It should only be done by particles who love each other very much and have had their union blessed by the Church.

* The result of fission is the creation of numerous, smaller, high-energy, subatomic particles called "neutrons", or - if the union hasn't been blessed by the Church - "bastardons".

* When most Americans think of nuclear power, they think of Russia's horrific Chernobyl disaster. However, it's not a fair comparison, because - unlike safety-conscious American reactor operators - Commies can't hold their liquor.

* In a battle between Aquaman and a nuclear power plant... wellllll... let's just say that it'd be like a battle between a hamster and a microwave.

* Despite the massive amounts of radiation released in the accident at Three Mile Island, recent studies have found that it was actually less damaging to human beings than exposure to a Half-Time wardrobe malfunction.

* As a nuclear power plant ages, constant exposure to radiation causes the surrounding containment structure to become weak and brittle, like the bones of the elderly. To avoid this problem, modern reactor containment systems are constructed only with the bones of young children.

* If a nuclear power plant bites you, you become an evil, mindless, flesh-eating zombie, just like in that movie, "Lady and the Tramp".

* BRAAAAAAAINS...

* Which, speaking from personal experience, isn't NEARLY as bad as it sounds.

* Except for the whole "being owned by Disney" part,

---

Anyway, if you're aware of any important nuclear power plant information that I've overlooked, please feel free to leave... your... sweet... sweet... braaaaaains... in the comments.

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Comments (17)

February 28, 2005

Frank J. for DNC Chair!

Posted by Harvey at 08:05 AM | Email This

When Howard Dean got appointed chairman of the DNC, my first thought was, "Those fools! Frank J. would've made a MUCH better chair than Howard Dean."

I can see you folks are skeptical.

But consider the following facts (in the extended entry):

Read More »

* Dean was merely the Governor of a small, Northeastern state. Frank J. is Lord and Master of His Own World.

* Dean has no plan for dealing with the monkey menace.

* Dean is a dull-witted fop who only blogs while sober and NEVER double-posts.

* Frank doesn't strangle kittens, although he does pee on them.

* Frank is funny on purpose.

* Unlike Dean, Frank has never woken up in a Tijuana whorehouse to find that his pants have been stolen.

* Except for that one time, but he was REALLY drunk.

* Although not drunk enough to double-post about it.

* Frank lives in Florida, which, in terms of square mileage, is a much larger phallic symbol than Vermont.

* Dean was knocked out of the Democratic primaries because of one little soundbite, but if you strike Frank J. down, he will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

* Howard Dean's childish antics and petty hate-mongering will destroy what little credibility the Democratic Party has left. If Frank were in charge, he'd lead them into a bright new era of power and respectability, before slaughtering them all in a "Kill Bill"-style, katana-wielding orgy of blood and mayhem.

* And I *really* want to see Frank use the "Five point palm exploding heart technique" on Ted Kennedy.

* The mighty readership over which Frank holds sway is thoughtful, witty, well-educated and classy, whereas in Dean's home state of Vermont, the phrase "mildly retarded" is considered flattery.

* Frank J. uses the Bible's words to enlighten his readers and make them better people. When Howard Dean takes a page from the Bible, it's because he ran out of toilet paper.

* Most importantly, Frank J. is a loving, devoted, family-oriented kind of guy, who would insist on taking SarahK everywhere he goes. The advantage here being that if Frank is giving a boring speech, you can just stare at SarahK's rack while indulging yourself in Reddi-Wip-laced fantasies about...

[enter SarahK]

*TEXAS GROIN KICK!*

[exit SarahK]

...ow...

Everybody just ignore that final reason I gave.

I'm going to go lay down for a while.

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Comments (13)

February 27, 2005

Totally True Tidbits About The Pope

Posted by Harvey at 02:03 AM | Email This

Despite the fact that the Pope has been in the news a lot lately because of his recent health problems, most people don't know much about him. He remains shrouded in mystery like Austin Powers or the true meaning of the letters "IMAO".

It's time to lift the veil of secrecy surrouding the Catholic Church's most powerful figure, even though doing so will probably cause me to be sentenced to that special circle of Hell reserved for blasphemers and journalists. Regardless, some things are more important than the disposition of my immortal soul. Therefore I have plumbed the darkest depths of Google and otherwise just made things up in order to present to you (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT THE POPE

Read More »

---

* The first Pope was the Apostle Peter, who became such when Jesus handed him the keys to the Church. Jesus also handed him a hefty mortgage payment, which is why churches pass collection plates.

* The Pope lives in Vatican City, or Pope-opolis, as it's known to the locals.

* Vatican City has a zero birth rate and everyone living there is completely celebate. Think of it as the anti-Utah.

* When it's time to choose a new Pope, the faithful are alerted to whether a new Pope has been selected by the color of the smoke coming from the Vatican chimney. If it's white, a new Pope has been chosen. If it's black, the Cardinals are still deliberating. If there's no smoke, the Cardinals are still holding in their bong hits.

* Numerous songs and poems have been written in honor of the Pope, mostly because so many words rhyme with it.

* I mean - hope, soap, dope, cope, rope, taupe, antelope, colonoscope... these things practically write themselves.

* The Pope is sometimes called the "Pontiff", which should not to be confused with "pilaf", which has more rice and less divine capacity for forgiving sins.

* The Pope's staff is carved from a single piece of Jordanian Olive Wood, which is the same type of wood in the staff that Moses used to part the Red Sea and explains why the Pope-mobile never gets stuck in traffic.

* If a Pope bites you, you become one.

* Assuming you get a 2/3 majority from the College of Cardinals.

* In a battle between the Pope and Aquaman, the Pope would bless the water surrounding Aquaman, transforming it into Holy Water, and causing Aquaman to burst into flame. POPE WINS!

* Although the Pope usually avoids politics for "render unto Ceaser" reasons, he personally leans toward socialism, despite not being a Belgiuminian.

* In a battle between the Pope and Satan, we'd finally discover whose side Aquaman is REALLY on.

* The Pope's hat is made of imported Chinese silk, sewn together with solid gold thread, and contains almost as much magical power as John Kerry's.

* The Pope frequently entertains the Cardinals by saying "Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!" and then pulling out a lion.

* Catholicism is America's #1 religion, with Frank-J.-worship coming in a close second.

* Although Popes are friendly, docile creatures, there is no record of any successful attempt to get them to breed while in captivity.

* Or under any other circumstances.

* Which is a shame, because in the early history of our country, vast herds of wild Popes used to cover the Great Plains. However, the Indians hunted them to the brink of extinction after the White Man killed all the buffalo.

* When the old Pope dies, the College of Cardinals convenes in the Sistine Chapel, where they vote for a new Pope by beheading one another with swords until the last man standing wins THE PRIZE.

* Just like in that movie, "Dirty Dancing".

---

If I overlooked any vital Pope-related information, please feel free to leave your own tidbits in the comments.

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Comments (41)

February 25, 2005

Evil Glenn's Government Contract

Posted by Harvey at 10:10 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

I was doing research for my forthcoming book, "Stupid Government! Stop Wasting My Money! I Hate You!", and I came across an interesting web site - www.porkbarrelsquanderers.gov - which lists every single sleazy, nepotistic government contract ever handed out.

In amongst such obvious scams as the "horse-drawn horse" and the "solid gold featherbed", I noticed that Glenn Reynolds had been awarded a juicy $12 billion contract for his plan entitled "How to Save the Lives of our Brave American Soldiers".

Curious, I clicked the link.

And saw what YOU'LL see if you check the extended entry...

Read More »

---

PROPOSAL BY HIS BLOGOSPHERIC OVERLORDNESS, DR. GLENN H. W. REYNOLDS:

During a recent bout of sleepwalking, I - as most men do from time to time - mistook my wife for a hobo and began hacking away at her with a butcher knife. While rearranging some of her internal organs, her screams of "I'm not homeless!" finally penetrated my somnambulating consciousness and I became aware of my little faux pas.

I rushed her to the hospital, where they undid my handiwork in short order. As she lay in her room recovering, though, it occurred to me that having her drink puppy shakes might hasten the healing process (please refer to my study, "The Regenerative Properties of Liquified Viscous Juvenile Canis familiaris Via Internal Ingestive Absorption", New England Journal of Medicine, April 2003).

Although procuring the dogs was a simple matter (I always carry extras with me wherever I go), I soon discovered - much to my dismay - that despite having millions of dollars invested in machines that go "PING!", there was not one single blender to be had on the hospital grounds.

However, with a trip to the local Target and a little ingenuity, I quickly contrived a device for accelerating my wife's recuperation, and documented my creation with several Polaroid photographs. Sadly, one of my pocket-puppies ate them all, so I've made this poorly-photoshopped replica of the image to illustrate my invention:

(click to enlarge)

I call it the "Glenn Reynolds Super Healthifying 4-Poster Blender Bed of Robustness". If you wish to call it something else, I'm willing to negotiate for the naming rights.

To the point, gentlemen: it occurred to me that such a device might be useful to the Department of Defense, as it would allow our brave American Soldiers serving overseas to benefit from its invigorating qualities. Less sick-time for soldiers means more time spent killing terrorists, foreigners, and journalists, which - as I'm sure you will agree - makes my invention a bargain-priced investment for the modest sum of $10 billion which I am requesting.

In conclusion, YOU GIVE MONEY NOW! I RICH!

Sincerely,
Glenn Reynolds

---

Turns out the Department of Defense bought the naming rights, too, and they're calling it the

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

Heh. Indeed.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: Although I frequently have fun at Glenn's expense, I would like to offer my sincere wishes to his wife, Helen, for a speedy recovery from her recent surgery]

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Comments (7)

The Ballad of Frank J.'s Accident

Posted by Harvey at 08:00 AM | Email This

Frank J. was recently involved in a car accident, and it looks like paying for all those repair bills may prevent him from buying that 75 carat diamond ring that the lovely & talented SarahK's been eyeballing.

This. Will. Not. Do.

Being a married man myself, it pains me greatly to think that Frank J. might somehow escape the chafing bonds of wedded bliss.

So, in the fine tradition of such great celebrity fund-raising songs as "We Are the World", and "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well", I've penned a little ditty to help Frank J. out.

[NOTE: The lyrics - while PG-13 - aren't entirely SarahK-safe, so I'm putting it in the extended entry. If she REALLY wants to sing it, I can whip up an FM version. Also, I'm not presently aware of a tune that fits the meter of the lyrics. If you think of one, leave a note in the comments]:

Read More »

---

THE BALLAD OF FRANK J.'S ACCIDENT

Our favorite Frank J. was just driving along,
Snapping his fingers, and singing a song,
Burned through a red light, and hit by a truck,
Rolled in a ditch and was s*** out of luck.

An ambulance showed up just barely in time,
And down to the ditch paramedics did climb.
"Please help me! I'm bleeding" said the wounded Frank J.,
They laughed at his pain and then sauntered away.

As Frank sat and suffered, all mangled and broke,
A cop soon walked up, checked the damage, and spoke:
"Looks like you were speeding, and prob'ly drunk, too!"
"You dangerous driver! Here's a ticket for you!"

"But I'm crippled and blood-soaked!", said Frank with a frown,
"Do you think you could help me get back into town?"
"Ha ha!", laughed the cop, "guess it's just not your day."
"I've finished my donut, now I'll be on my way."

Frank lay there alone with a tear in his eye,
"Won't someone PLEASE help me? I'm too young to die!"
And just then his phone rang. 'Twas sweet SarahK!
"Hooray!" shouted Frank, "I'll be rescued today!"

"why aren't you at home? you ought to be here!"
"not making my pinky toe ouchy with fear!"
"But my car is all wrecked, and my clothes are on fire!"
"i'll bet you're out drinking, you naughty old liar!"

"you're mean! and i hate you! i don't love you at all!"
"and now i regret ever making this call!"
"and i'll bet that you're sorry you once called me a cow!"
"I said 'SNUGGLE BUNNY!!!'"... "i'm hanging up now."

Frank picked up his phone, and he made one last try,
To have someone rescue him, else soon he'd die.
He called home to Sydney, who answered "Squeak! Squeak!"
Which was the WRONG answer - Frank started to freak.

"Get off of my phone, you bad monkey-cat!"
"Squeak! Squeak!" was all Sydney would answer to that!
"I'll pee on your head you dumb son of a... [realizes SarahK isn't around, and decides to go for it]... bitch!"
"For letting me lie at death's door in a ditch!"

Frank hung up the phone, and gazed up at the sky,
He had to be brave now, or else he would die.
A mile on smashed elbows, Frank crawled to his door,
Tried to make it to bed, but passed out on the floor.

He woke in the morning, all covered in blood,
To sweet Sarah's cursing 'bout tracking in mud.
Assessing the damage, he noticed one thing -
He couldn't both fix his car AND buy a ring!

So all through the day, Frank with Sarah fought,
'Bout whether a car or a ring should be bought.
'til Frank said "I'm sorry for tracking in dirt,"
"I can raise enough cash just my pimping my shirt."

And so now, my friends, this sad story's been told,
How Frank J. near-died, all alone, in the cold.
To help out poor Frank, I'll explain to you how,
Just click on the link. YOU BUY T-SHIRT NOW!

---

Remember, 100% of proceeds from this song go directly to the "Frank J. and SarahK Memorial Car-Repairing and Ring-Buying Trust Fund Foundation, LLC".

« Close It

Comments (30)

February 24, 2005

Who the Hell Do I Think I Am - Harvey

Posted by Harvey at 08:17 AM | Email This

Answers to Frank's questions.

1. Who the hell do you think you are?

I am Arthur! King of the Britons!... at least until my meds kick in.

2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?

I work at a bank where I make sure that women and minorities don't borrow our precious money. And if I worked at a fast food joint, I'd dry my armpits with your napkins and spit in your fries. But only if your name were Ted Rall.

3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?

I used to deliver newspapers. Cheered up a few lonely housewives while I was doing it, too. I think one was Ted Rall's mom.

4. Do you even read newspapers?

*I* don't, but my parrot does. If by "read", you mean "crap on".

5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?

Does the Playboy Channel count?

6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh?

"Moron Talk Radio"? OH! Air America! Yeah, I listen to that on occasion. Say, does Al Franken's little sidekick Katherine Lanpher remind anyone else of Salcious Crumb, with her constant shrieks of sycophantic laughter? "EEEE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE! Al make funny!"

7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?

My parrot reads newspapers, not faxes. See item #4

8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?

Because they interrupt me while I'm watching the Playboy Channel.

9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?

I know a LOT about Belgium, and my passport was a 90,000 ton aircraft carrier.

10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?

Yes. Mostly to support the local international fornication establishments, but still, yes.

11. If you're so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk?

Been there. Done that. Got the National Defense Service Medal.

12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face?

Sorry, I was a Sailor, so I didn't see many goo-piles. However I *did* once reach into a shark's mouth to retrieve the leg he'd just bitten off of me. Then I beat him to death with it. Teach HIM to interrupt my Playboy Channel watching.

13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?

Yes. See item #10.

14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!

I’m strong to the finish
'cuz I eats me spinach
Don’t F*** with the sailor man!
TOOT! TOOT!

Comments (10)

February 23, 2005

Iraq's To-Do List

Posted by Harvey at 09:18 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

After 30 years of brutal oppression, the Iraqi people are finally free to build a decent society based on the principles of freedom, liberty, democracy, and nickel-beer nights. It's a daunting task, and there's a lot to get done.

Fortunately, the Iraqi government has published this handy to-do list so that everyone can be on the same page during the nation's reconstruction:

---

* Institute "T-shirts for terrorists" program. Turn in a terrorist and a get a free "Nuke the Moon T-shirt".

* [subliminal message]T-shirt good! You buy now![/subliminal message]

* Send "Thank-You" cards to America, Britain, Australia, and Poland.

* Send "F***-You" cards to France, Germany, and Russia

* Invite the human-shield hippy dirtbags to hang out by the Iraqi police stations.

* Invade and conquer Syria and Iran.

* Wait... that was from America's to-do list. My bad.

* Have Saddam appear on TV and issue a formal apology to the Iraqi people by doing the Happy Dance at the end of a rope.

* Change the name of the country to "Irack", because that final "q" just looks freaky without a "u" after it.

* Release a new x-rated video.

* Oops... that's Paris Hilton's list. Nevermind.

* Revamp Iraqi currency. Replace camel with camel-toe.

* Be careful Googling that one.

* Legalize wet burkha contests.

* Free lap-dances for all Coalition troops!

* Wait... I promised I wouldn't make any more lap-dance posts, didn't I? Scratch that one.

* Shut down "T-shirts for journalists" program, since America has already bagged its limit.

* Rename the Tigris & Euphrates rivers the "Mc" and "Donald's" - if the price is right.

* Buy more "Nuke the Moon" T-shirts. Did I mention they were 100% preshrunk heavyweight cotton?

* 20% of net sales revenue, why?

* More tax cuts and dead terrorists.

* Yeah, they stole that one from America's list, but we'll let it go this time ;-)

---

That's everything from the official list. If you've got more suggestions, leave them in the comments and I'll pass them along.

...If you buy a Nuke the Moon T-shirt.

Comments (11)

Totally True Tidbits About Belgium

Posted by Harvey at 08:29 AM | Email This

President Bush finished up his trip to Belgium, where he spent the last several days doing the diplomatic equivalent of Frank J's Happy Dance and making the Europeans look like the terrorist-coddling schmucks that they are.

Sadly, though, in a recent survey of American adults, 90% of respondents could NOT find Belgium on a map of Europe (50% selected France, and 40% chose Rand-McNally).

Even worse, when asked "What is Belgium?", 75% picked "The University of Wisconsin - Madison football team".

Here at IMAO, we believe that the only way to fight such appalling ignorance is with MORE appalling ignorance, and thus present these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT BELGIUM

---

* Belgium is a small European country whose main exports include chocolate, waffles, and socialism.

* Belgium is one of the oldest countries in Europe, richly steeped in culture and tradition which has hardly changed from its quaint, 14th century beginnings. Mostly because all the innovators left for America centuries ago, leaving nothing behind but "short bus" people.

* Not all Belgians are socialists, but all socialists are Belgians.

* Wait... I was thinking of rectangles and squares. Nevermind.

#5 The official language of Belgium is German, which was adopted in 1939 on the theory that it's always best to embrace the inevitable.

* On a related note, no one in Belgium has ever bothered to learn French.

* But you Belgiuminians might want to start learning English (see tidbit #5)

* Get some oil for us to steal, first, though.

* Heh. I said "first".

* The capital of Belgium is Brussels, which was named after the brussel sprout because - like the vegetable - the city is disgusting and smells like urine.

* Belgium covers approximately 30,000 square miles - about the size of Michael Moore's breakfast spread.

*Belgians are normally friendly, good-natured creatures, but have been known to savagely attack humans if provoked by, for example, making sudden movements or invading Iraq.

* The headquarters of the European Union is in Brussels because socialists are disgusting and enjoy the smell of urine.

* The national pasttime of Belgium is "Commie-Ball", a game where each team tries to steal the other team's equipment and re-distribute it to the spectators.

* In America, this game is known as "Congress-Ball".

* In Texas, they play a version called "Get-Offa-My-Land-Afore-I-Blows-Yer-Head-Off-Ball"

* Here in Wisconsin, we just drink beer & eat cheese, but we'd watch Commie-Ball if one of the players were named Favre.

* Despite being traitorous, back-stabbing terrorist-coddlers, Belgium is NOT part of the Axis of Weasels. However it may get tapped to fill the opening once we nuke France.

* Oh yeah, Froggie, you're on the list.

---

I hope you found that as enlightening as *I* did. I didn't know HALF this stuff until I just now made it up. If you have any appalling ignorance you'd like to add, please feel free to do so in the comments.

IMAO - Fighting ignorance, one fact(ish) at a time.

Comments (32)

February 22, 2005

IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! SECRET AUDIO TAPE OF JOHN KERRY REVEALED!!!

Posted by Harvey at 08:08 AM | Email This

BREAKING NEWS!!! MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!

Seems that Doug Wead, who recently exposed Bush's deepest, darkest secrets by violating his trust, secretly taping him, then selling the tapes for crack money, (AS SEEN EXCLUSIVELY AT IMAO!!! MUST CREDIT!!!) has released new tapes of a private conversation with John Kerry. Below is a just a small portion of the entire shocking transcript:

IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! MUST CREDIT IMAO!!! CREDIT!!! CREDIT NOW!!!

WEAD: George Bush has gone on record as having murdered hookers. Where do YOU stand on this issue?

KERRY: Unlike my opponent, who murdered hookers, I never murdered any hookers while serving in Viet Nam. Well, except for that one time, but since it was a 15-year-old boy, he was technically a gigolo and NOT a hooker. So you see, Weadster, my position on murdering hookers has been consistent throughout this campaign, unlike my opponent, who LIED about murdering hookers in order to deceive the American people into an illegal and unjust war in Iraq to line the pockets of his hooker-murdering oil-buddies at Halliburton.

WEAD: So... then you're opposed to murdering hookers?

KERRY: Now, Weadmeister, I never said that. That is not at all what I said. What I said - and what I have always said - is that I support - and Wead-o-Rama, I have held a single consistent position on this issue from day one - I support a woman's right to choose whether - as a hooker - she should be murdered or not. I simply don't believe that it's the role of the Federal government to decide for a hooker whether or not she can be murdered.

WEAD: So... you're in favor of murdering hookers?

KERRY: Now, Wead-o-licious, it IS true that certain unscrupulous members of the right-wing media have twisted my words around to try to suit their own radical agenda. Of course I'd like to see more murdered hookers - especially Vietnamese ones with their sexy brown legs driving you crazy with lust as you sweat in the jungle heat - but the American people need a leader who will tell the truth, and come clean with the real reasons we rushed to war in Iraq. The American people deserve to know whether their President served in Viet Nam, where we did NOT rush to war or steal oil or target innocent civilians or guilty reporters.

WEAD: So... what were we talking about?

KERRY: You're SO easily confused, Wead-whacker. That's why I like you. You're funny. Like a clown. You amuse me. And I promise that if I am elected President, I will implement my plan to murder more hookers than George W. Bush.

CREDIT IMAO!!! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!!! NOW!!! CREDIT NOW!!!

Comments (5)

February 21, 2005

IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! SECRET AUDIO TAPE OF HOWARD DEAN REVEALED!!!

Posted by Harvey at 10:00 PM | Email This

BREAKING NEWS!!! MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!

Seems that Doug Wead, who recently exposed Bush's lying perfidy with the release of secret tapes of private conversations (AS SEEN EXCLUSIVELY AT IMAO!!! MUST CREDIT!!!) has released new tapes of a private conversation with Howard Dean. Below is a just a small portion of the entire juicy transcript:

IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!

WEAD: So, Howard, George Bush has gone on record as having murdered hookers, thus co-opting the issue for the Republican Party. As the new chairman of the DNC, how do you plan to respond?"

DEAN: We're going to murder hookers in South Carolina! And Oklahoma! And Arizona! And North Dakota! And New Mexico!

And we're going to chop them into little pieces in California! And Texas! And New York!

And we're going to stuff them into wood-chippers in South Dakota! And Oregon! And Washington! And Michigan!

And then we're going to bring an orgy of bloody mayhem to Washington, D.C.! Where we'll murder hookers IN THE WHITE HOUSE!... YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

CREDIT IMAO!!! OR LARGE ITALIAN MEN WILL BREAK YOUR KNEECAPS!!!

Comments (17)

The Quotable (Drunken) Frank J.

Posted by Harvey at 08:12 AM | Email This

You're probably aware that Frank went to a party on Feb. 12th, where he got a tad tipsy and double-posted.

You probably thought it was funny when he said, "I am the great Frank J.! Worship me!"

Did you know that's not the only good line he had? For example (and these are all true):

---

"Do I look more sober in a Ninja stance?" (general query to the assembled guests)

"I love you man..." Frank J to Harvey, to which Harvey responded, "I am so flinging meat at you if you say that again."

(Which is NOT gay, since it was during dinner and we were having prime rib. I was just threatening a food fight)

"When I met you in person, I found out that you weren't as much of a jerk as I thought you would be." Frank J to Harvey

"I don't know why the Christians are so mad at the Jews for crucifying Christ, because he wound up getting resurrected. No harm, no foul." (general announcement)

"Don't be sexy, I'm wearing my dual 45s." Frank J to SarahK

"I was not taking God's name in vain...I was just using it in a joke." Frank J trying (and failing) to placate SarahK.

"Shut up!!!!" Frank J to potted plant. Several times.

---

Now, someone has posted a large collection of quotes from the party, but the rest of them aren't from Frank, and they're mostly not work safe, so I'm not going to give a link to that because I know that the only things that IMAO readers care about are politics and Frank, and they are shocked and appalled by evil, smutty things.

But if there's sufficient interest, I might be persuaded to drop the links in the comments.

Your call.

Comments (16)

So THAT'S Why It's a Group Blog Now

Posted by Harvey at 01:34 AM | Email This

Would you dare to doubt Frank J.'s wisdom in making IMAO a group blog?

Sure! We ALL would!

It's obviously the silliest idea to ever bubble out of Frank J.'s skull.

The funny thing is, he's never explained WHY he's doing it, which has the unfortunate consequence of encouraging rampant, baseless, Eason-Jordan-ish speculation.

As in, for example, this Top 10 list from Basil of Basil's Blog.

I think #4 is probably the most accurate, although there IS circumstantial photographic evidence for #1.

Comments (13)

February 20, 2005

How to Get North Korea Back to the Table

Posted by Harvey at 01:15 PM | Email This

Amid shouts of "We got nukie!" and "OO! Round-eye! You kung-fu no good! We hit chop-chop on you head!", the North Korean delegation stepped away from the negotiating table last week, breaking off the amusing, yet ineffectual, 6-way talks that had been going on since 2003.

Despite their bluster, we know the North Koreans will be back eventually, since it's their only shot at grazing a buffet containing something besides gravel and anorexic kittens. However, it would certainly be nice if we could hustle the North Koreans back to the table a little sooner, if only because I, as a patriotic American, am sick of having my kung-fu disparaged.

So as a personal favor to Secretary of Sexy, Condi Rice, I offer these:

TIPS FOR GETTING NORTH KOREA BACK TO THE NEGOTIATING TABLE

* Offer them copies of Don King's "Hair Poofing for Dummies".

* Karaoke! Free Rail Drinks! and Girls! Girls! Girls!

* Threaten to hack the official North Korea web site and turn it into a group humor blog.

* No lap-dance posts, though - that would be a violation of international law.

* Promise them all the puppies they can eat. Reynolds can probably spare a few.

* Give in to Kim Jong Il's demands and let him play the Mayor of Munchkin City in the new "Wizard of Oz" remake.

* Send the USS Jimmah Cahtah over to rabbit-blast them into submission.

* Have Frank J. issue an official apology for all those poofy hair remarks while doing the Happy Dance.

* Stop making them sit at the little folding card table with all the diplomats' bratty kids.

* Keep repeating "apoofyhaireddictatorsayswhat?" Nothing says "negotiate" like a good Wayne's World reference.

* Heh. "Babe-raham Lincoln".

* Ya know, they're just mad because we forgot to buy them roses on Valentine's Day. North Koreans are such women.

* Yeah, I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight for that one.

* Offer them free "YEAAAAGH!" lessons from Howard Dean.

* Empty America's nuclear arsenal into their crappy little country and then yell "First!"

---

How do you like our kung-fu NOW, poofy-head?

Comments (17)

February 19, 2005

Making Amends

Posted by Harvey at 12:22 PM | Email This

It has come to my attention that some people were offended by the bawdy nature of my first post. I wanted to issue a written apology, but then I thought - no. That's simply NOT enough to heal the scars. In order to make up for my transgression, I need to perform a genuine act of contrition to prove the sincerity and depth of my regret.

But of what should such an act consist?

I ponder thusly:

---

* Be more like Frank J., i.e. go to church, study the Bible, and post crude mockeries of what I learn.

* Re-enact "The Passion of the Christ", sans stunt double.

* Be more like Frank J., i.e. pee on my cat's head.

* Get Frank J. drunk enough to triple-post.

* Brand my chest with a big, red letter "A" - for "asshat".

* Tattoo "I'm a complete pinky-toe-hole" on my forehead.

* Stop capitalizing the word "I" so as to become as lovable as SarahK.

* Vow to never blend another puppy again as long as I live.

* No, wait... that's from Instapundit's list. Nevermind.

* Chemical castration, thus preventing the inheritable portion of my evil from being inflicted on generations of bloggers yet unborn.

* Do volunteer work at a homeless shelter and NOT murder any of the clients.

* Oops. Instapundit again. Sorry.

* Watch "Barney & Friends" videos until I learn how to play nice.

* Or slit my wrists, whichever comes first.

* Heh. I said "first".

* I said "Heh", too. Get out of my head, Instapundit!

* Keep my posts focussed and on-topic, instead of letting them scamper about like a pack of demented ferrets.

* Suck on a 9-volt battery. Scream. Spit. Repeat.

---

Eh. Screw it. Just send me the bill for your psychotherapy and we'll call it even.

Meanwhile, do you think it would help if I changed my "posted by" name to "Harvey NSFW"?

Comments (21)

February 18, 2005

Glenn Reynolds vs. President's Day

Posted by Harvey at 09:11 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Because Glenn Reynolds is an evil puppy-blending, Satan-worshipping, hobo-murderer who loves Communism, he is forever trying to destroy America and everything it stands for.

Monday, February 21st, is President's Day. Since our Presidents are our most recognizable symbol of American power, Glenn Reynolds will be frothing with Commie-loving rage that day, and will stop at nothing to undermine America's glory.

Realizing that American Presidents are most often seen on American currency - the purest symbol of Capitalism, which Glenn hates because he's an evil, filthy Commie - Glenn has hatched a foul plot to place his own despicable visage on our sacred dollars. Through means which I am not at liberty to disclose for national security reasons, I have obtained a badly photoshopped image of Glenn's creation, which I've placed in the extended entry:

Read More »

When informed that Benjamin Franklin wasn't actually a President, and that it was therefore pointless to deface the 100 dollar bill, Reynolds responded, "How DARE you question my actions! Do you know who I am? I am the great Glenn R.! Worship me!"

---

This public service message was brought to you by the Alliance of Free Blogs, who would like to remind you that friends don't let friends blog drunk.

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

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Comments (19)

My Only Serious Post

Posted by Harvey at 08:22 PM | Email This

In the comments to Frank J.'s post announcing that IMAO has become a group blog, loyal reader Beo brought up an excellent point:

If I wanted to read their stuff, I'd go to ... anyone? THEIR SITES.

I'd rather get one good Frnak post a week than 10000 other posts I have to sort through.

For my part, this point is well-taken. Being a long-time IMAO reader myself, I'm PAINFULLY aware of what IMAO readers expect from and enjoy about this site, and I will do my utmost to provide only the high-quality funny that Frank J.'s fans have come to expect. I'm also aware of my status - in most readers' minds - as an unknown, uninvited, unwanted interloper who nobody has ever heard of, and who has a LOT of proving to do before being accepted as worthy.

I accept this challenge, and will do what I can to win your hearts and minds.

I will do no personal blogging or completely gratuitous IMAO-lanching to my little blog-friends. If it's not likely to make you blow coffee out your nose, I'm not going to post it.

Frank J. has worked his ass off to make IMAO what it is today, and I'm fully aware that it's my responsibility to either conform to his vision or be summarily dismissed without argument or appeal.

I side with his vision.

Give me funny or give me death.

NOTE: Anyone who leaves a "death" comment will be beaten with a hamster and forced to listen to William Hung's rendition of "She Bangs" on endless loop. You've been warned.

Comments (25)

How To Be Romantic On a Budget

Posted by Harvey at 07:23 AM | Email This

Most people think that the only way to win a woman's heart is to buy her bowling-ball sized diamonds and shower her with enough roses to hold a parade in Pasadena.

Most people are right.

However, Christina of Feisty Repartee recently suggested that there are also non-jewerly-related methods for garnering female affection. Being that it was said by a woman, I have to believe it since women don't lie. I know this because the ladies are forever telling me that I'm funny & charming & handsome & not REALLY hung like an acorn.

Thus, it occurred to me that perhaps there ARE ways for guys who aren't as fabulously wealthy as T-shirt mogul Frank J. to get the girls, too. So I present these tips for:

---

How To Be Romantic On A Budget

* Giftwrap a Canadian penny with a note that says "Like Elizabeth to Canada, you are my Queen, except your boobs aren't as saggy."

* Hand her a french fry and say, "This fry reminds me of you because it wouldn't look fat in those jeans, either."

* Do NOT try this with a blueberry muffin.

* Try opening the car door for her. If that doesn't impress her, try unlocking it first.

* Point out beautiful women and mention how repulsive you find them. This works best if you're not in a visible state of arousal while doing so.

* Unless you're hung like an acorn, in which case it doesn't matter.

* Hand her a rock and say "This reminds me of our great relationship." Make sure the rock is mostly quartz, though, lest she fire back with, "Yeah, because you take me for granite."

* I hate women and their stupid puns.

* Remember not to actually say that last line out loud. I've still got the scars from that one.

* Try getting wobbly-ass drunk and screaming, "I am the great Frank J.! Worship me!" while double-posting on your blog.

* Buy her a very expensive dress that's 5 sizes too small. After she fails to squeeze into it, exclaim in shock that you were POSITIVE that it was her size. Then return the dress and get your money back. It doesn't cost you a dime, and you still get 25 "gonna get some action" points.

* If you want to do this, but you don't have any money, I can give you Frank's credit card number. Did you know he passes his wallet around the room when he's drunk?

* And no, I don't know how many "gonna get some action" points it takes to actually GET some action. I've been too busy earning "gonna sleep on the couch" points.

* THAT only takes one.

---

I hope you find these tips useful, and I wish you the best of luck in your personal quest to "plant the acorn".

Comments (14)

February 17, 2005

Frank's Happy Dance: Captured Live!

Posted by Harvey at 08:10 PM | Email This

I was hanging out with Frank last Saturday, and he was feeling a little tipsy, so I thought I'd ask him to show me that Happy Dance he was always bragging about. He demurred, claiming that he'd forgotten the DVD at home.

But after seeing the crestfallen look on my face, he felt sorry for me and offered to perform it live, out on the patio by the pool.

"Just wait right here," said Frank, "and I'll go put on my tux. The Happy Dance ain't NOTHIN' unless I'm doing it in my tux."

So he changes into his tux, and the next thing you know, he's out by the pool, be-boppin' & scattin' around like a crazy man.

It was awesome.

Fortunately, someone had the presence of mind to turn on a video camera, so I can offer you this completely unauthorized version of the Frank J. Happy Dance (1 Meg WMV file)

Oh, and for you on-the-clock surfers, it IS work safe.

Comments (25)

Things to Say While Getting a Lap Dance

Posted by Harvey at 07:37 AM | Email This

I'm not at liberty to mention how the topic came up, but it did.

An acquaintance of mine (who shall remain nameless, assuming the check clears) was chastised by a... let's just call her an "adult entertainment industry worker", shall we?... for being taciturn while receiving a lap dance.

As the gentleman exclaimed to me, "What SHOULD I have said?"

What indeed...

---

THINGS TO SAY WHILE GETTING A LAP DANCE

* Why, yes, I *do* come here often.

* Less dancing, more lapping, please.

* If that grind were any finer, you could work at Starbucks.

* Can you move to the left a little? You're making a long distance call on my cell phone.

* And no, you can't borrow it to tell your husband you'll be home late.

* OW! PINCHY! OW! OW!

* Personally, I think the whole existentialist movement was simply cognitive escapism in denial of mortality's undeniable inevitability and a subconscious avoidance of... OO! MOMMY!

* It's not that I'm not aroused, it's just that I'm intimidated because yours is bigger than mine.

* Two! Four! Six! Eight! Won't you help me masturbate?

* No, my pants are wet because I spilled my drink. Keep going.

* I just took a bottle of Enzyte. We're going to need a bigger chair for this.

* Finger lickin' good!

* Have I ever told you that you're my favorite sister?

---

That should help avoid those awkward social situations.

Just remember to kill any witnesses and bury them in shallow graves afterwards, lest they mention the event to your girlfriend.

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Comments (26)

December 30, 2004

Fun Facts About Hospitals

Posted by Harvey at 08:29 AM | Email This

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

One of my blogdaughters, Tammi of Road Warrior Survival, recently had her mother go to the emergency room. She's ok, but she's going to be in the hospital for a few days.

I'd like to send her prayers, but I'm religiously "none of the above", and every time I try to pray, I get struck by lightning for my heathenly blaspheming.

So, I'll have to do the next best thing and try to cheer her up with these:

FUN FACTS ABOUT HOSPITALS

Hospitals are large buildings full of sickly people and machines with flashy lights that go "ping".

As are casinos.

The difference being that NOBODY leaves a hospital with more money than they came in with.

Unless they screwed the doctors over on a few games of 3 Card Monty.

If you're not sure whether you're in a casino or a hospital, light up a cigar and see if you get yelled at.

If you have a disease, you should immediately go to the hospital so that you can contract a more virulent one.

Not all buildings with doctors in them are hospitals. Some are golf course clubhouses.

Again, if you're not sure, light up a cigar.

Michael Jackson is NOT a doctor. Don't let him examine you!

For free.

If you're in a hospital and your heart machine flatlines, try defibrillating yourself a few times before bugging the nurses. Nobody likes a hypochondriac.

In a fight between Aquaman and a hospital, the outcome would depend on the cunning and ferocity of Aquaman's insurance company.

If a hospital bites you, you become one, after which you must let doctors inside of you, even if you aren't getting a prostate exam.

Hospitals are required by law to treat everyone who comes through their doors, whether they have insurance or not. That's why 90% of hospitals are surrounded by shark-infested moats.

The other 10% rely on minefields & barbed wire.

The most common ailments treated by hospitals are heart attacks, strokes, and shark bites.

The English word "hospital" comes from the French word hospitale, which means "we surrender".

As do most French words.

Monkeys don't use hospitals. If a monkey gets sick, its fellow tribe-monkeys turn on him and tear him apart while accusing elephants of causing the disease in the first place.

Much like Democrats.

The first hospitals were dank, run-down places where the sickly poor went to die. Modern hospitals are clean, efficient, well-lit places filled with cutting-edge medical technology, where the sickly poor go to die broke.

Doctors wear white coats to symbolize the purity of their souls, which are untouched by such human failings as sympathy, compassion, or mercy.

Wait... I was thinking of those bean-counting trolls in Accounts Receivable... Nevermind.

Traditional nurse's garb consists of a short white dress, white stockings, and a tiny white cap, none of which serve any practical purpose other than enticing men who have a fetish for that sort of thing.

About which I know nothing, so don't look at me like that.

Unless you're wearing a nurse's outfit.

Hospitals are full of sick people, and therefore must adhere to the highest standards of cleanliness and sanitation, which doesn't explain why hospital janitors tend to make Groundskeeper Willie look like Mr. Rogers.

Every patient admitted to a hospital is given a backless gown called a "johnny", the purpose of which is to allow easy removal for patient examinations and also to allow the hospital staff to indulge their chronic ass-fetishes.

About which I ALSO know nothing.

Anyone with video evidence to the contrary is cordially invited to shut the hell up!.

Not all hospitals are the same. Some specialize in particular areas of expertise, such as heart surgery or roulette.

Wait... I might be thinking of casinos...

[lights cigar]

Anyway, this should help comfort those with recent hospital experiences.

If you'd like to thank me, please post a picture of yourself wearing a nurse's outfit in the comments.

Comments (17)

December 29, 2004

When Children Loiter

Posted by Harvey at 08:37 AM | Email This

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

I was over at Susie of Practical Penumbra's blog where she was complaining about parents who leave their children at her movie theater, unsupervised, and don't pick them up until several hours after their movies end.

This is a problem.

However, as Isaac Newton once said, "for every problem, there is an equal and opposite solution."

Yes, I have flunked a few physics exams in my day, why?

Anyway, here are my Top Ten solutions:

10 THINGS TO DO WHEN CHILDREN HANG OUT IN YOUR LOBBY TOO LONG

10. Start every sentence with "Back when I was your age..." until they cover their ears and run out the door, screaming about how you're too old and you just don't understand.

9. Sell them as slave labor & help bring Nike's factories back to the good ol' USA!

8. To keep them from running around & making a lot of noise, turn on the giant electromagnet you probably have installed in your ceiling, which will immediately hoist the little brats up by their piercings. Let 'em dangle there. It builds character.

7. Put on tiny sunglasses and a black raincoat. Walk around offering them a choice between a red and blue pill.

6. Use them to experiment with innovative new clown-car-packing techniques.

5. Tie them up with their iPod cords and toss the little bastards into the dumpster out back. Hopefully this will teach them not to purchase proper nouns that capitalize their second letters. Trendy little punks! *shakes fist*

4. Launch them into space and make them watch bad movies as part of an evil scientific experiment.

3. Don't let them leave until they've worked up an entire Rocky Horror treatment for The Matrix. "We've got to find a phone" "CASTLES DON'T HAVE PHONES!*

2. Give them swords. Tell them "There can be only ONE!"

And the number one thing to do when children hang out in your lobby too long:

[looks at watch]

Aw crap. I gotta get to work.

Can I get a little help in the comments?

Comments (38)

December 27, 2004

Fun Facts About Flying

Posted by Harvey at 10:05 PM | Email This

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

I understand there was a ruckus at an airport recently, caused by something Frank J. did.

Poor SarahK.

If only Frank had been smarter, this whole thing could've been avoided.

As a public service to IMAO readers - because I fear that Frank's ignorance may be contagious - I offer the following:

FUN FACTS ABOUT FLYING

Flying was invented by the Montgolfier brothers in France, when they created the first balloon, which was inflated by hot air. However, after discovering the secret of inflating things with cooler air, they invented the inflatable girlfriend and eventually died as millionaires.

The flight data recorders in airplanes are called "black boxes" despite being orange. Similarly, the
ones in the movie of the same name were predominantly pink.

In a fight between a jet airplane and Aquaman... *FWOOP*...*brbrbrbrbrb*... [red fog]

The average commercial airliner weigh 199 tons, as does the average Michael Moore.

The average commercial airliner is 231 feel long. If all the commercial airliners in the world were lined up end-to-end, you would be at O'Hare.

In the comic strip "Peanuts", Snoopy used to sit on his doghouse while pretending he was flying a Sopwith Camel and doing battle against the Red Baron. Rumor has it that Dan Rather frequently sat on the Bush National Guard memos while making airplane noises in attempt to make THOSE fly. They both ended up riddled with holes and screaming curses.

The first solo transatlantic flight was made by Charles Lindburgh, who landed in Paris, accepted the
French's surrender, and promptly traded them to Germany for a pint of warm beer.

By 1939, German anger at being stuck with France (and screwed out of their precious warm beer) reached such a fever pitch of frothing hatred, that either that or Hitler's megalomania caused WWII.

Monkeys - while an obvious menace to the human race for MANY reason - do NOT possess the power of flight, despite what you may have seen in Michael Moore's documentary, "The Wizard of Oz".

With the exception of a cow and a wooden rabbit, there was no actual "flying" in Monty Python's Flying Circus.

"Flying" fish don't actually fly, either, unless they're being served as airline food.

"Flying" squirrels DO actually fly. Or so claim Boris and Natasha.

When people fall out of bed, they frequently dream about flying in the split second before they hit the floor. I wonder if there's any significance to my dreams about shooting Britney Spears with a squirtgun?

Because commercial airliners fly in the uppermost reaches of the Earth's atomsphere, passengers are exposed to 50 times the normal level of gamma radiation while flying. If you are Bruce Banner, do not fly.

Jerry Garcia was the lead singer for the Grateful Dead.

If you don't know what that last item has to do with flying, then... Congratulations! You're NOT a filthy hippie!

Some people question whether it's worth the extra cost to fly First Class. Of COURSE it is! For the same reason you go careening onto a gravel shoulder at 90 mph to get around some Sunday driver creepin' along at 70! Because it's GOOD to be in front of other people! Me need be first NOW!

Flying Nuns are ok for short trips if you tune out the obligatory in-flight sermon.

If an airplane bites you, you will be forever cursed with the power of flight.

If you are forever cursed with the power of flight, don't give it up to impress some chick like that idiot Superman. You never know when you may have to battle General Zod.

Avoid Flying Viking Kittens at all costs lest you be taken to a Gay Bar.

If you have a pathological fear of flying, the best way to overcome it is to take long, slow, deep breaths, say to yourself repeatedly, "It's just like riding a bus", then chicken out and go Greyhound.

After that smelly, homeless guy sits next to you on the bus, flying won't seem nearly as scary anymore.

I know this because I'M the smelly, homeless guy, and I've cured thousands.

Although all airplanes have wings, not everything with wings can fly - for example: penguins, emus, and maxi-pads.

Bats are the only mammals that can fly. Batman - while technically a mammal - can't fly without mechanical assistance. However, he IS the reason that Aquaman fought that jet airplane, so we should cut him a little slack.

Well, that should be enough to keep Frank out of any future trouble.

Meanwhile, if you're looking for something else to read, I posted a sequel to my Fun Facts About Christmas guest post over at my place.

Comments (20)

December 24, 2004

Fun Facts About New Year's

Posted by Harvey at 08:21 AM | Email This

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

In a couple days, Christmas will be over, and it'll be time to turn our attention to the NEXT great excessive-eating-and-drinking holiday - New Year's Eve and/or Day (depending on what time it is) - hereinafter referred to as simply "New Year's".

So what is this holiday all about?

I'm glad you asked, because you've given me an excuse to post:

FUN FACTS ABOUT NEW YEAR'S

In a fight between Aquaman and New Year's, Aquaman would actually get a few good licks in on Baby 2005 before being beaten to death by Old Man 2004's cane.

Historically, the argument over the exact moment that the New Year should start has caused more wars than any other single issue. Damn you, International Date Line!

Terrorists celebrate New Year's by screaming, "Die, American Pigs!" and being vaporized by air strikes.

Just as the Chinese have a cycle of years named after animals, the French name their years after various national odors, such as "dead fish", "rotten eggs", "bad hamburger", "unwashed armpits", "soiled underwear", etc.

2005 is "poo".

On New Year's Day morning, most people wake up with the kind of hangovers normally experienced only by Sterno-drinking hobos and the Irish.

The Chinese celebrate New Year's on February 9th, because the godless commie bastards are trying to start a war!

John Kerry can't decide whether to celebrate New Year's on January 1st or February 9th. Damn flip-waffler!

New Year's used to be celebrated on July 4th up until 1776, when America stole that date for Independence Day in it's very first act of unprovoked unilateral agression.

The Americans were going to steal oil, but it hadn't been invented yet, and they had to steal SOMETHING.

Most New Year's resolutions are broken within 5 days of being made, although Frank J.'s been having pretty good luck with his resolution to indenture a gang of servant bloggers to keep his site going whilst he frolics semi-nakedly with a buxom T-shirt babe.

The traditional American way to celebrate New Year's is to wear funny hats and make obnoxious noises while milling about aimlessly. In France this is called "battle".

Although Americans don't usually end the night by surrendering en masse.

Except in Berkeley.

Eskimos used to celebrate New Year's by clubbing baby harp seals to death. This brutal practice was outlawed in 1971 after an Eskimo killed Aquaman by mistake.

Consequently, today's date is December 12,045th, 1971 in most Eskimo villages.

In the non-seal-clubbing parts of America, the changing of the year after December 31st is just a way for Bush to funnel cash into the pockets of all his Big Calendar cronies.

Who are all completely controlled by Halliburton.

And the JOOOOOOOS!

Rumor has it that SarahK's New Year's resolution is to trick Frank into wearing a "Cavity search me, I'm a terrorist" T-shirt through airport security.

Well, I hope that helps you make the transition between holidays. However, if you're still stuck in the Christmas mood, I have three things for you.

1) Let's refer to this one as the "1:30am karaoke version" of "Oh Holy Night".

2) A sick and wrong re-lyricing of "Holly Jolly Christmas".

3) An even sicker and wronger re-lyricing of "Here Comes Santa Claus".

Those last two are completely without any redeeming social value whatsoever. If you choose to click on them, don't come crying to me later about your shattered soul and lost innocence.

You've been warned.

Comments (15)

December 23, 2004

Fun Facts About Love

Posted by Harvey at 08:38 AM | Email This

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

From the looks of this post, I'm guessing Frank J. & SarahK have a "thing" going.

They might even be in love.

But it's hard to tell, because so few people really understand what "love" is.

So, in an effort to shed some light on this baffling topic, I present:

FUN FACTS ABOUT LOVE

Love is one of a human being's strongest needs, surpassed only by food and groin-kicking filthy hippies.

Love is like an unquenchable thirst, though it can be temporarily sated with fluids other than water.

The easiest way to tell if someone loves you is to tell them they have a nice ass. If they file a sexual harrassment suit, it's love.

No, I'm NOT a lawyer. Why do you ask?

The best way to show someone you love them is by buying them expensive gifts. The poor are simply unworthy of love.

Michael Moore is, technically, poor.

Love is full of strange, confusing contradictions, and at times makes no sense whatsoever, yet it should not be confused with the UN, since love rarely involves oil-related scandals.

Despite what you may have been taught in school, love is more than just a few cigars and a stained blue dress

Love means never having to say you're sorry, mostly because when you screw up, you will need to make a MUCH longer speech than that.

For best results, include bended-knee grovelling and a lot of diamonds.

I *told* you love wasn't for the poor.

The French are reputed to be experts in love, mostly because it's something they can surrender to.

You never know when love will strike, which makes it similar to terrorists. If you see love, shoot it, just to be safe.

Some people will need Viagra for this.

Some types of love are actually unhealthy. For example, if your love involves handcuffs, ostrich feathers, or spankings, it's fine.

Love is a many-splendored thing, much like the diamond necklace you'll be buying when you screw up.

Again - not for the poor.

Money can't buy happiness, but it CAN buy love. Although I've found that the healthy kind usually costs a little extra.

Love was originally invented by Microsoft, thus explaining its chronic instability.

In a fight between love and Aquaman, love would conquer all, and Aquaman would confess his secret longing for King Neptune.

Long-lasting love can be achieved by filling out the on-line registration form and only using fully licensed versions. In the long run, pirated love will only bring misery, despite requiring fewer diamonds initially.

For more information on the ins and outs of love (which only SOUNDS dirty) see the Love Notes category at Bad Example. Those with delicate sensibilities are urged to think twice before choosing to view the comments.

Comments (24)

December 11, 2004

You Might Be An IMAO Fan...

Posted by Harvey at 11:37 PM | Email This

(A Guest Post By Harvey of Bad Example)

By the way, is there a name for IMAO fans? I mean, Jimmy Buffet fans are "Parrot Heads", Star Trek fans are "Trekkies", and Michael Moore fans are "Assholes". What would you call Frank J. fans? Frankensteins? Moon Nukers? Edgy loners who pretty much keep to themselves before they finally snap?

You guys work on that.

Anyway, whatever they're called, I'm stealing Jeff Foxworthy's schtick, and calling this one:

YOU MIGHT BE AN IMAO FAN

... if you're afraid to leave a comment for fear it'll reveal your whereabouts to evil ninjas.

...if you overheard someone mention Spock's father's name, and you immediately thought of the IMAO T-shirt babe.

Admit it, you don't pronounce her last initial separately in your head, do you?

...if you've fought Aquaman and - like everyone except the French - pretty much kicked his wussy ass.

...if you were called on to recite a Bible verse in Sunday School and you quoted the Book of Tobit.

...if someone offered you a lime for your bottle of Corona beer and Rage Against the Machine songs started running through your head.

...if you support the troops in Iraq and you have the terrorist heads mounted on your wall to prove it.

...if, when you heard that soldier complaining about the lack of vehicle armor, you expected Rumsfeld to strangle the reporter who fed him the question.

...if you named your dog "Chomps".

...if you named one of your children "Chomps".

...if you've ever strangled a reporter and left a note blaming it on the Rumsfeld Strangler.

...if your bondage fantasies involve Melinda Hawkish and a microphone cord.

...if you believe that Canada will eventually be called "Canadada".

...if you didn't think it was funny that Frank didn't win his own permalink contest.

...if you know what Frank's last name is because you donated to his PayPal tip jar.

[notices blank stares] Ok, that one's a "just me" thing. But you'd be surprised how reasonably priced a Permalink Contest victory is.

...if you've made a list of people for use in the initial calbration testing of the S.M.I.T.E. targeting system.

...especially if you posted that list on your blog in the hopes that Frank would link to you.

...if the only Bush cabinet members you know are the ones who've appeared in "In My World" episodes.

...if you have a Nuke the Moon tattoo.

...if your vocabulary consists solely of the words "Hmmm", "Heh", and "Indeed".

Oops. Sorry... that's an Instapundit reader.

...if you've ever been "First!"

...if you named one of your children "Frnak".

...if you've joined the Marines SPECIFICALLY to defend Frank's freedom of speech.

...if you bought a Colt 1991 to enhance your IMAO street cred.

...if you voted for Frank for Best Humor Blog and Meryl for Best of the Top 100 - 250 Blogs. If you didn't, Aquaman will beat you up, ya little wussy.

By the way, if you vote for Meryl (who needs to start makin' with the favors already), you get a free copy of "Learn Yiddish With Dick and Jane".

...if you named one of your children "Ronin".

...if you named ALL of your children "Ronin".

...if you have an IMAO RSS feed to your pager so you can be "First!" when something new gets posted.

...if you know what IMAO actually stands for.

...if you don't care what IMAO actually stands for, as long as Frank keeps posting new "In My World" episodes.

...if you know what the J. in "Frank J." stands for.

Just kidding. Even Frank doesn't know that one.

...if your biggest fear is the monkey menace.

...if you own 6 Nuke the Moon T-shirts, one for every day of the week.

What?... Isn't Sunday "Naked Day" at YOUR house?

...if you didn't laugh at any of these because you wanted Frank to think you missed him.

---

By the way, if that amused you, you might want to check out the King of the Blogs Tournament, run by Nick of Patriot Paradox, because I'll be a judge there, and my blog reviews are legendary.

If you're feeling particularly ballsy, you might even sign up to participate so that you can be a target of those reviews.

No such thing as bad publicity in the blogosphere.

Although Dan Rather may beg to differ.

Comments (30)

Just Thinkin'...

Posted by Harvey at 06:27 PM | Email This

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

Eskimos have 26 different words for "snow" because so much of their culture revolves around it.

How many words do you suppose the French have for "surrender"?

Comments (35)

December 10, 2004

Fun Facts About Christmas

Posted by Harvey at 08:00 AM | Email This

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

First some housekeeping:

Vote for Frank for best humor blog.

Vote for Meryl for Best of the Top 100 - 250 Blogs. She promised me unspecified favors if she wins, because I got Frank to change his endorsement from me to her.

I like favors.

Moving on... Someone recently informed me that Christmas is coming. I've never heard of this... "holiday"... so I did a little research and discovered the following

FUN FACTS ABOUT CHRISTMAS

Christmas celebrates the anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ. Since he was Jewish, he was circumcised 8 days later, which anniversary we now commemorate with the holiday OW!OW!OW!mas

The beloved holiday icon Santa Claus originally wore a green outfit, which he changed to red after joining the Communist Party.

Christmas specials which show Santa's workshop at the North pole often include penguins. This is factually incorrect, since penguins are native to the SOUTH pole, where, coincidentally, Santa's evil twin brother Satan Claus has HIS workshop.

He mostly makes fruitcakes - the most concentrated form of evil known to man.

Tree decorating originated with tree-worshipping Druids, whose modern descendants mostly just bitch about globalization and throw garbage cans through windows at Starbucks.

Santa Claus doesn't make all the Christmas presents himself. Most of the work is done by elves who are much smaller than Santa.

Yeah, he's compensating for something.

Elves weren't always small. They used to all be tall and lithe like Orlando Bloom, but eventually they decided they'd rather be short and hairy than tall and femmy-looking.

If an elf bites you, you become one.

Considering how much tail Orlando Bloom is getting these days, that might not be such a bad thing.

Not everyone celebrates Christmas. Jews, (like Meryl, for whom you should vote) celebrate Hanukkah, which commemorates some magic oil that burned for 8 days. Oddly, this is not the same "OIIIIIILLLLL!" that the Iraq war is all about.

Terrorists in Fallujah don't celebrate Christmas, either. Mostly because they've been killed by Americans.

Serves 'em right for faking being dead. Stupid terrorists.

Rastafarians celebrate Christmas by smoking marijuana on Christmas day.

And every other day.

Some families open their presents on Christmas Eve. Some families open their presents on Christmas morning. This or slavery was the cause of the Civil War.

Santa's sleigh is pulled by reindeer, which are just like regular deer, except somewhat larger and more likely to collapse the roof of your car after they bounce off your hood.

Santa's reindeer can also fly, probably because they're Rastafarians.

The French celebrate Christmas by decorating trees and surrendering to them.

The original version of the poem "A Visit From St. Nicholas" listed the reindeer's names as Smasher, Dandruff, Mincer, Nixon, Vomit, Pooper, Downer, and Blitzkrieg, but these were later changed after numerous complaints to the FCC.

The tradition of kissing under the mistletoe originated to allow married men to make out with their mistresses at office parties, and survives today despite the invention of the broom closet.

Bing Crosby starred in "White Christmas". Bling-Bling Crosby starred in "Hot Black Studs in Action". Try not to get those two confused if you're at Blockbuster searching for family entertainment this holiday season.

Although I have heard that your Aunt Mabel is a HUGE Bling-Bling Crosby fan.

A "Christmas Club" is a savings account in which a person deposits a fixed amount of money regularly to be used at Christmas for shopping. It's also a stick used to beat up Salvation Army bell-ringers so you can steal their kettles.

I heard your Aunt Mabel has both.

The Friday after Thanksgiving is the second busiest shopping day of the year. The busiest is "Thank God Gas Stations Sell Roses Day", AKA "Valentine's Day".

Every December, Americans mail out a combined total of 9 billion Christmas cards in an effort to keep in touch with loved ones. Which pisses me off because it always delays the delivery of the December issue of "Hefty Hooters" magazine.

Get your damn cards out of the way of my pr0n!

Before settling on the name "Tiny Tim" for the character's name in "A Christmas Carol", Charles Dickens also considered such names as Feeble Frank, Crippled Carl, Defective Dan, Hobbling Harry, Broke-ass Bob and Mutilated Marvin.

Eggnog is a traditional holdiday beverage made from eggs and named after the sound people make after having one too many of them.

Christmas was once a moveable feast celebrated at many different times during the year. The choice of December 25 was made by Pope Julius I in the 4th century A.D. so that he could get the day off to go skiing.

During the Christmas season, 1.76 billion candy canes will be made. 2.53 million of them will be stuck in naughty places.

Like kids putting them in the VCR & stuff.

GEEZ! What'd you think I meant?

Look, if you guys are going to let your minds roll around in the gutter like that, I'm just going back home to Bad Example, where that sort of thing never happens.

Or if it does, it's considered normal, so no one really notices.

Comments (23)